HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND...although I'm sure it's a different day there by now...Hope you had a fabulous one!!!

Thanks Sandy!!!
No, bang on the right day actually! I was feeling pretty down this morning but doing much better now

Hey.. I was out of town so I didn't know!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Loui

Happy Birthday, mags! I have no excuse, I was in town.......

Better late than never, I say!

I'm really in a funk today.
H has just been angry for days. There's always bloomin something. Tuesday the missed trains. Wednesday I kept him up too late. Thursday I was 15 minutes late to MY OWN birthday dinner (FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! This is the guy who is minimum an hour late to ANYTHING he goes to!). I'm at the end of my tether. 10 days meditation, 2 days calm, and then 3 days anger. Over STUPID stuff! It's my friggin birthday – is being 15 minutes late to his sisters house REALLY worth being crappy to me on my birthday???
Partly it's diffused guilt – his mum wanted to make dinner for my birthday and have some family over – but the sister has a newborn and 2 toddlers so would really be pushing it to get all of them out of the house for an evening meal and the kids sleep at 7 etc. etc. – so i said why don't we get some pizzas and take them to her place – thought it would give her more freedom and save on cooking/cleanup. But his mum decided she wanted to cook for me – so the whole thing just went overboard and there were like 6 dishes and a crapload of work involved for everyone when all I wanted was something easy that wouldn't put people out. So then he felt guilty because his sister ended up being caught hosting a ˜party' without being asked, and they were all waiting for me (because they all showed up early!) and i was late. The fact that the thing was only at 6.30 because of her toddlers – given I'd initially said I couldn't make it till 7.30 but left work early to get there when it would suit them – matters not at all.
GRRRRRRRRR.
So I'm feeling irritated because his mum turned it into a big production that put a lot of unnecessary stress on everyone and I get the friggin blame! I ALWAYS get the blame. I'm his emotional punching bag. If ever something has happened that he feels bad/guilty about, it will be whatever MY part is in it that gets loaded with the lot. Even if it's just a generalised stuffup, like last night was, where everyone is well-intentionedly trying to consider everyone else and it all goes pear shaped. He can't not blame. He can't say "oh that was a bit of a mess". It has to be SOMEBODYs fault and it's inevitably me.

Why does it have to be like this? I woke up feeling crappy in the morning because of the fight we'd had the night before (where I tried to come to bed earlier than normal to sleep at the same time as him and he bit my head off because I talked instead of sleeping). Felt crappier knowing that he'd never get me even a card for my birthday let alone a gift or do anything special. At least he remembered to wish me I guess. Found some leftover cake in the fridge and put a candle in it – well I thought at least he's made some effort. Knowing that OM would have got me a gift, wrapped it, got a card, etc. etc. So feeling pretty unloved.
Get to work and start to feel better – lots of people calling/emailing/facebooking their wishes. Starts to feel like a birthday.
Then over to his sis's place where H is grumpy at me the whole night, everybody's stressed, I'm feeling guilty about what a big thing it turned into, and everything feels like crap again.

Why? Why was my birthday only pleasant for as long as I wasn't around H?

I dunno, maybe this is redirected anger about what I did, about his work, about his frustration that his meditation course didn't turn the world upside down. Probably the latter. I think he came out with all this perspective and resolutions and good intentions and hopes for everything to be different, and now he's gone back to work it's the same old ratrace, too little time in a day, too little sleep, to many people not doing what you want them to. And I'm the same old punching bag for it all.

And I'm SICK of it! It was my friggin BIRTHDAY!

Was supposed to go have drinks with him and his friends tonight but I'm not going. I just don't want to be around him anymore. I'm sick of running around trying to stop him from being angry, because nothing seems to stop it. I give up.

I've been learning/thinking a lot about the whole self nurturing thing. I think maybe a lot of what's happened in my life is because I really don't know how to do this. So I look for my comfort externally. This might be why I didn't know how to deal with mum's stuff. Why when H and I are fighting I think of OM. I don't seem to be able to find the strength/comfort within me – it's always external.

At H's course they were telling them about being detached. He asked them how this related to being part of a close family (they couldn't reply). But I think I see what it's about. H's mental state REALLY affects me. If he's stressed and angry – whether it's at me or not – it makes me stressed and angry. And he's ALWAYS stressed and angry, it seems like. He's been in a midlife crisis for as long as I've known him, but it's escalated the past couple of years, because his work sucks. And it's definitely escalated since he took 6 months off to start his ˜business'. He's a born procrastinator, like me, so he did nothing. But starting a business has been his aim for a long time (not quite sure why). So when he went back to work (around Jan this year), I guess there was a big sense of disappointment and lack of purpose in life. But we can't afford him to not earn if we want to start a family. So I don't know how to get around this. But I also can't see it getting better till the issue is addressed. I'd kind of hoped that starting a family would provide some of that purpose for a little while, but apparently not. I'm not saying we started a family TO PROVIDE purpose – we'd always planned to start at the latest when I turned 30 – but I thought that at least for a little while doing something big in one area of his life would take pressure of the having to do something big in the career area of his life.

Anyway that's off the topic. His issues, his anger, are to some extent, his issue to solve, although I'd like to help. The problem with me is that I'm very reactive to them. On Wed night when we fought – I felt unloved. Core hurt, yes. So I started thinking about OM.... "at least there's someone who loves me". Then I realised what I was doing, so I tried to take a different path. I thought about how H – even if he was being a whatever at the time, must love me very much to still be with me. It's hard to see, when he's being like that, but he must. So I found a little comfort in that. BUT.... and here's the big but.... that's not enough. The comfort was still external – I managed to divert it from knowledge of being lovable due to OM, to knowledge of being lovable due to H.... but it was still external to me. I should be able to soothe that core hurt without either of them. But I don't know how! I mean really – how can I tell myself I'm lovable if nobody loves me? If nobody loves me... there must be a reason...
I dunno, I must say I don't really get HEALS. Possibly because what I've read/done is so fragmentary maybe. I did the ˜finding your heart meditation' but the whole lost child whatever thing doesn't do anything for me in a situation like this. Probably I've missed something crucial, but I don't really know how to grasp it.
But all this does start to make some sense of what I've done in my life. Previously when I've felt unloved by H (or before him, my parents), I had no recourse, no way to comfort myself. My emotional rollercoaster was firmly attached to his/theirs. When it went wrong, all I could try and do was escape – escape them, escape my own head – which usually led me to suicidal thoughts. Later I discovered alcohol helped – never used it often enough or to excess for it to be a problem – but it was a very good way to escape my emotional state and head for a little while when I was at that suicidal brink, so it was a coping mechanism. And then OM – another useful coping mechanism and escape. Thinking of him helped me escape from thoughts that depressed me and made me feel helpless, when my mum was ill. This was before he had feelings for me, so it was purely distraction – some romantic chemistry to flood my brain with and hide from the painful stuff. And really, I don't know if there is a better way to hide from that stuff – when someone you love and depend on like that is ill and it might be terminal, life is just one big painful waiting game with no resolution or comfort. I'm not sure any degree of self nurture could have lifted that weight. And then after she passed away.... I'm not sure. Really at that point I should have been able to start healing and moving my life along. I guess the seeds were already sown at that stage, the chemistry was set up, the pattern of ignoring/avoiding pain that way. I'm fuzzy about when things changed from one to the other with OM in terms of filling my needs – from him providing romantic chemistry to him providing validation and soothing of those core hurts. But I realise, it did change – the things that led me into the situation are different from those that kept me in it. At the beginning I think the addictive thing was just the chemical stuff and the pain-avoidance it allows. But eventually, once he reciprocated, he fulfilled a lot of my intimacy needs, and made me feel loved and cared about. And in that way somehow became part of my coping strategy with life. I was no longer wholly dependent on one person to stay afloat. If things were going badly with H and I felt unwanted and unloved, I could stop from sinking by thinking about how OM loved me. And vice versa – had plenty of tiffs with OM too, but then I took emotional refuge in H. It's like when one of them set me on a path down to the bottom of my rollercoaster, I could cling to the other to stop me from sinking, and detach from the one dragging me down. I got so good at detachment – H could have his moods and blame me for stuff and I was so much more able to cope. H benefited too – I didn't lose it at him, or reinforce it by getting angry myself, I just detached. Ditto OM – stuff that used to drive me made when H and I were first going out – I could let go in OM because if he didn't make me feel loved... "well he's not my problem anyway we'll be apart soon". Filling my needs externally became less of a problem because I had a couple of sources. I became so much more easygoing than I've ever been!
Anyway now I've had that leg kicked out from under my stool. I need to find another coping mechanism. At the moment, I haven't got one, so when H sinks I sink with him, get angry and irritated myself and sink further, and pull him further with me.
I still don't know how to find that way to cope. But hopefully the awareness of needing to find one will mean that I'm getting closer, somehow, and that when I see it, I'll know it.

quote:

Why? Why was my birthday only pleasant for as long as I wasn't around H?

Seems to me that you allowed it to be that way. I think you are feeding off his emotions. Stop and think a minute here. He has a job he doesn't like, he has a baby on the way and he just found out that his wife has had an affair. May just be a few reasons to be a bit stressed and angry, especially the last part...you think?

Talk to him about it Mags.

BTW...

Oh mags, I have so much to say!!! But no time!

I'll be back later tonight, hopefully, but if not tomorrow morning.......

HUGS to you, sweets!

And deep breaths....you are on to something, me thinks........

Dear Mags,

just read some of your posts and happy birthday! My gosh, you have been so sweet in reading and answering my posts - I didn't realize how young you are! You're a pretty wise cookie! Now let me tell you that what you have discovered is really important because in order to change I really do believe that you have to discover things for yourself and not because someone has told you things about yourself. Sure it's easy to feed off someone else's emotions - very easy. You said that you were able to control that when you had OM & H to distance yourself. What are you trying now? Do you distance yourself physically, like leaving the room when H is in a "mood" - do you try to diffuse his mood in any way? I wonder if you concentrated on h - his needs - in a consistent way, if you would find that he might do the same for you? It might take a while, but it might work! If I could go back and have my h here, that is what I would be trying to do. Make him the center of my world - my most important work. I would ignore our problems for a while and just try to reconnect - go out on "dates" and talk about relaxing and fun things. Remember why we fell in love in the first place..and have patience. Does that sound too easy or naive?

Susan

BTW thanks for the birthday wishes folks! I was in too foul a mood when I last posted to mention that

Sandy - yes I think I do feed off his emotions. I need to figure out how to stop that! Yeah he has lots of reasons to be angry - and to be honest I think I cope quite well when he expresses that he is angry for those reasons. When he vents about work, or expresses his anger for what I did, I can cope, I can be sympathetic, loving, helpful, accept blame, display remorse, etc. But when he's diverting it into something else, then I can't tell what the root cause is, and I don't know how to cope. And it always comes out in blame towards me, about some STUPID thing. And HE doesn't even know it's not about that - he will swear till he's blue in the face that I just was so ridiculously inconsiderate to be 15 minutes late and therefore ruined everybody's (i.e. his) night and everybody (i.e. him) was stressed and angry with me. So I can't even do the whole thing with being loving, being nice, accepting the blame for OM stuff - because he honestly wants me to justify and defend this other stupid thing. Which I KNOW mustn't be the real issue - but when he's in a funk he thinks it is, and there's no talking to him about anything else.

Anyway I did talk to him about it - wrote to him actually, so that I wouldn't get all tangled up - and he took that well. He didn't really discuss it, but I think he listened to it - he said he'll think about it (i.e. put it out of his mind never to come back). But he seems to have got over Thursday anyway. And I told him we both needed to learn to cope a bit differently - I would try to learn to separate my emotions from his more, and he needs to find some more direct less destructive ways of dealing with stress. I told him I still want him to be able to express to me when he's stressed or angry rather than hide/internalise it, but this thing he does of directing it all into some small stupid issue and then making me the punching bag is not the best way to go about it. It's something he's always done though (diverting anger about one thing into something else), so not sure how he'd go about relearning it, but I guess awareness of it would be a good first step.

Susan - currently I try to distance myself mentally rather than physically from his mood, but I think it doesn't really work. It sort of works - in that I've stopped responding and thus escalating it - but it still feeds a little ball of tension/resentment in me that comes out at some stage - though usually when he's calmer, which helps. For instance on Tues when he was raging around the house about how far he had to travel to work and missed his trains, I just sat down with a magazine waiting for him to leave. I normally would be pottering around but he was stressing me out too much, so I kind of just had to keep still and wait for the storm to pass without getting caught up in it. And also tried to diffuse as far as possible - looked up the train time for him, offerred to give him a lift (and did so, after he missed another train), etc etc. Basically acted patiently like I would try to with a tantrumming child. But I could still feel the tension in me. But I could cope, because it wasn't directed at me. By Thurs, when I'd had 3 days of this and he decided to make me punching bag - then I couldn't. I guess because when he's not directing it at me I can act like I would to a kid "what would you like me to do to help". Once he finds some spurious way to blame me for it, it becomes unsolvable - I don't know what the heck I could have done to make Thursday different (apart from avoid him and his family altogether) - but that's what he wants me to solve. When his stated problem is different to the real stressor - it's hard to diffuse.
Reconnecting, dates, talking - that's always been more my thing than his. It's something I like to do, and he sort of likes to but he needs a lot less of it than me. So it actually end up being something that if I push, becomes a chore for him. It strengthens connection for me, but builds resentment in him. His family are chronic multitaskers - they can't sit down for a minute and have a conversation where they focus on the other person, if it's someone they are close to. We fought about this yesterday - we had a day together - and I would seriously be mid sentence and he'd get up and wander off to look at something he noticed. Makes me feel VERY devalued, but it seems to be the pattern he's used to. First two times it happened I mentioned it, and moved on. About the 4th time it happened I had a schiz. That's the problem when I do the 'center of my world' approach - it sort of makes things worse, because it makes me revolve around him and emotionally dependent on his reactions, and builds resentment in me. I sort of need the opposite!

But I do worry as well. There's a need to separate my emotions from his and stop feeding off them - but there's a danger in separating myself too much. I don't know how I should be striking that balance. Because I feel that my efforts to separate from him emotionally in the past were what made me more able to go outside the relationship. When he would get angry with me, and I'd hold back my reaction and dissociate and wait for him to grow up... life got kind of lonely. Then it became a relief to be with someone I could tell everything to, who I didn't have to treat with kid gloves. Maybe the relief of being able to be the child instead of the parent! I could let out my emotions and throw my tantrums, instead of having to negotiate around somebody elses (and OM never seemed to get angry). Then it became a bit of a tag team dissociation, because occasionally I'd have to dissociate from OM too (generally when I felt unloved), but often then I could turn to H. Unless I was very unlucky, they weren't both playing up at the same time.

There must be a way to dissociate, and be patient with H WITHOUT building distance. I just can't quite seem to find it!!!

I feel all bruised and battered and tangled up in my head.
What am I supposed to do if H doesn't value transparency? I believe it's necessary for building the intimacy and closeness that had fallen away when this thing happened, but he doesn't. And he will not offer the same back. So I end up feeling used.
History to this is... OM texted on Sat – football team he is mad about won the grand final, he was at the game, presumably he got overexcited and texted me the result. I showed H, and didn't respond. So far so good.
Tues/Wed I was feeling particularly foggy. Seems to be related to tiredness. OM on my mind, and I felt bad for ignoring him when he was so excited. Wrestled with myself yesterday about whether it would be bad to email him to say congratulations. Knew it wasn't worth it if H would be hurt, but chickened out of asking H if he'd mind. Decided it was easier to not email at all. So far so good.
Wed night asked H whether or not he would have minded if I had emailed. He chucked a spaz, fair enough, and I was glad I hadn't emailed. So still ok.
Then I asked him about the packet of smokes he bought a week or two ago. It's been a long running thing – he quit smoking before I met him but occasionally relapses – and inevitably lies to me about it. Numerous fights in our early days as I reacted badly to it. Still, he seems to have a mental barrier about telling the truth on it. Just couldn't do it – couldn't volunteer it anyway. After some work on my reactions, we got to the stage where if I asked if he'd smoked he'd (usually) answer honestly. But having to ask was pretty annoying, and the hiding/lying really bugged me. We eventually came to a compromise, in that he had a symbol he would text me if he smoked. Texting seemed to be within his doability range. So for a few years the texting has worked, and I make an effort not to react.
Anyway after my revelation, he decided he didn't need to be ashamed and hide stuff anymore. So he bought a pack of smokes (partly some sort of rebellion I guess) with the intention of smoking it in front of me. At the time he said this was for me – that I'd never seen him smoke and needed to be comfortable with that image of him as an addict. Actually I've always had that image in relation to him smoking, so it's no biggy for me, anyway I said ok fine. Turns out it is for him though – he just couldn't stomach smoking in front of me. So he started smoking them anyway, in secret, and no more texting. Then he threw out the pack. This came out when I asked him last night. I asked what happened to texting me when he smokes? He said he believes all those agreements are now null and void after what I did. He can do what he likes and has no requirement to tell me. Why? Because I have no right to go on about honesty after what I did. I explained that I believe in it's importance even more after what I did. But he sees this as some kind of born again lecture. What about my transparency now? Well that's what I need to do for my addiction control, it has nothing to do with him, and he doesn't feel he needs to provide it back.

So. Here I am sticking my neck out for someone who doesn't value transparency, and won't offer it to me back. Before what I did, this was a long running battle between us. I strongly believed in honesty, he didn't really but could see it was important to me, so he tried, for my sake, but not really for his own. With varying levels of success. Now that I broke it – all bets are off, he has no intention of being honest anymore. Am I still supposed to be? Well he has no more trust in me (fair enough) so maybe he doesn't care. I don't know. But apparently I now have no right to expect/request it from him. Same as I have no right to veto the bike or the open relationship. Basically I have no rights anymore in this relationship.

So anyway I was in a funk this morning. Started dissociating from H, etc. I was pretty angry – still am I guess. Decided I'm not willing to do the transparency thing if he's not. I don't ever want to get to the lying stage again, and that's for me, but I'm not laying myself bare for someone who won't even TRY to do the same. The whole idea is to build our relationship by knowing eachother fully – but for him to start hiding? If he slips up/has difficulty, that's one thing – but having no intention of honesty whatsoever? I'm not doing it.
So I shot off a letter to H telling him transparency was off – if he ever wanted to know anything he could ask me and I'd answer honestly, apart from that I'd decide whether I felt like telling him what I did or not. I said if he wanted to renegotiate then we could discuss it then.
And then shot off a letter to OM congratulating him on the game. YES I know this was stupid? WHY did I do it? Probably spite I guess. I feel like everything I've been trying to do has no value to him. So why try. I'm in this on my own so I have to make my own calls on what is safe for me and not, and I don't have to consider his feelings because he doesn't give a d*mn anyway. I guess it was all just reaction. And stupid – as soon as I pressed send I wished I hadn't.
And then H writes back a one liner and says he'll go full honesty. Brilliant. Now I've really stuffed up AND I have to tell him about it. And I don't really know whether he's serious or he's just worried I'll do something stupid as he's interstate tonight. I don't really know what he's thinking or what's changed. And I'm still angry.
So I wrote back and said no, not yet, I'm still a bit bruised and we can discuss when he gets back – and not to worry as I won't be doing anything stupid while he's away.

So there we go. All in a big fat mess again.

the sound of silence.....

What are people's thoughts on bringing up the past hurtful issue?
I was feeling really bad about what I did the other day and wanted to tell H that I loved him and was sorry - but that said if he's not thinking about something nasty I don't want to drag him back into it - then again what if he is thinking it and not saying...

What is the correct approach to this? If it's in my head should I talk about it? Or if he seems happy and not thinking about it should I just keep quiet and not drag him back into the swamp?

On another note, I've just started 'pelvic instability' - i.e. a stuffed sacroiliac. It's early to have it, it will get worse through the pregnancy, and even worse every subsequent pregnancy. BRILLIANT. And I was going so well!

Well turns out the transparency issue was quite easily solved. When I said that time that I wouldn't be doing complete transparency if he wasn't, he got worried that I'd start using OM for emotional support again and he wouldn't know about it, so he offerred transparency. Ah well. On the downside he smoked again, but he told me, so relationship-wise that's ok again although I do feel sorry for him that he's now got to tackle the cravings again. It always happens if he has one - the cravings gain increased hold for a few months.

Pregnancy sucks. I'm huge, my pelvis hurts, I can't walk, take stairs, shop, lift, exercise - pretty much everything. Now I've started feeling faint and having trouble breathing. And I have 3 months still to go! There's just no more ROOM in here!

I'm still struggling to find ways to deal with H's moods. He's chronically dissatisfied with life. Much like his dad I guess. And when he expresses it to me, I want to fix it and I can't and I get frustrated and depressed. And half the time I get to be punching bag and he blames it all on me too - last night apparently I'm the reason he's never travelled and that's what he'd like to have done with his life. What the? Where'd that come from? We've both discussed it at various times, but yes he is keener on it than I am, but I never said no. We just kind of never got around to acting on it - like various other things in life. So now it's supposed to be my fault he's unfulfilled in his life. And I've definitely put a veto on going and living overseas in the next couple of years - managing a new baby is going to be hard enough without whipping away all our family and social support and getting accustomed to a new place.
Anyway I gave him a long lecture on how I wish people would take some bl**dy responsibility for their decisions. Even when those decisions are made in consideration of others, or sacrifices made, etc. - you decide at the time whether to make them, and then after that don't blame anybody else. His dad loves to blame his mum for why his life didn't go the way he wanted, my dad does the same, my mum blamed it on having kids, my brother blames his disability - everybody busy blaming everyone for stuff instead of owning their own lives and taking some friggin responsibility. I'm so sick of it! I'm not target practise. Anyway H really seemed to take that on board, which was really good. But I still really need to find some way to separate my emotions from H's - I just still don't know how to do it. And I realise that it's another thing I used OM for - to untie my own emotions from H's chronic dissatisfaction with life - and now I need to find some healthier form of escape. I just don't know where to start.

And what is it with Fridays. Almost every other day I can cope with being alone - but not Fridays. And it's now Friday night, and H is off with his mates and will make all sorts of promises and then turn up drunk and happy at some ridiculous hour regardless. I have heaps to do around the house - but so much trouble doing it on a Friday night. But feeling too delicate still to actually arrange to go see anybody. GRRRR. How do I learn to be more independent?! HOW AM I GOING TO COPE when there is a baby to look after and going out to see people becomes even more difficult???

mags..

so about that transparancy.. Did you tell H that you actually did text OM? Or is that still hidden?

And.. here's the thing about what your asking. IMHO.. I think you need to stop trying to force him to do what you want him to do. (even if its the right thing, even if its better for the marriage, even if its something that in the long run you both need to do)..Whether it be stopping smoking or starting transparancy.

YOU just do it. Without his agreement. You just do it first. Why? Because its the right thing to do. And when you teeter on the edge of what you did the other day instead of using your H's non cooperation as the reason for doing what you know you shouldn't... use your own moral compass. (sometimes I use the .. if it were my kid asking me my advice what would I tell him, thought process).

Eventually.. down the road apiece when you've already been displaying your own set of ethical behavior its possible your H will get on board without your having to push him or even do the 'agreement' talk for it. If not, at that point you've already displayed the actions that prove that is where you are operating from. If, lets say a 8 or 9 months goes past and he's still not on board, well then maybe bring it up and ask for the agreement. If he still brings up the A.. well at that point you have the right to ask him: "how long do I have to pay for my mistake? how long will you keep bringing this back into our marriage?"

(I believe its still too soon to ask that question yet cause you still have thoughts of calling OM.. you still have itchy fingers, which means you are still not 100% out of the woods, over it)

I remember my MC saying something to the effect that after a certain amount of time.. especially if the relationship is seemingly strong and both parties are 100% in the marriage, then its time to let it go. Its time to not bring it up as a bargaining chip. But understand that takes a long while of the BS really behaving in a manner in which trust can grow.

Now thats not to say you can't ask him to not smoke or you can't ask him to go back to texting. But if you do.. do it in the context of that its not you trying to control what he does or doesn't do. Its more as a helpful tool for him to keep on track with what he knows he wants to do. Which is quit. And btw.. if he does not want to quit.. he's not going to. No matter how much you get angry about it. And if he doesn't want to be 100% transparant about it... there is nothing you can do about it.

As for how you will cope with a new baby.. oh trust me.. like the myriads of humans before you.. you will do what we did. Muddle thru somehow.

Loui

oh.. and I just thought of this.. which I guess may or may not be something you've thought about... especially at this time when you're still vulnerable to 'falling'.

I remember my MC saying to me that my exH.. and I for that matter.. Well each of us individually is a package. We have good things in our package and crummy. We have some things that could change and some things that won't. BUT.. the thing to remember is...

I chose this package. I chose to live with all the facets of the package. I chose to ACCEPT all the flaws and all the positives of this package.

There will always be things about him that will drive you to distraction. And there will always be things that you will love.

Using those things as an excuse or a reason for your behavior (be it good or bad) is to not seperate yourself and take responsibility for your actions.

You wonder how to 'untie' your emotions? That would be a good first step.

Loui

quote:

OM texted on Sat – football team he is mad about won the grand final, he was at the game, presumably he got overexcited and texted me the result.

Hi Mags,

Jus a suggestion, but why not get another number? It just seems like the ongoing contact is really hurting you. It's kindof a given - as long as there's contact, there's no recovery.

quote:

The first step which cannot be over looked, is ending the affair AND agreeing to never contact the affair partner again. Without that condition, your marriage really won't ever recover. -Penny

Maybe this has been covered, but I thought I'd just bring it up as a suggestion / reminder. You have enough on your plate - so why make it harder.

Best of luck mags, I know you are working hard.

quote:

Jus a suggestion, but why not get another number?

Doh! Did we really miss such a basic suggestion??

Great idea.

P

Gee, you know, you'd think I've been busy or something. I didn't even realize you'd written anything since the beginning of the month. I missed your birthday, the latest contact with OM, you deciding that your husband messing up his integrity means you should mess yours up as well, that actually working to (somehow) clean up all the integrity, AND I missed that you only have three months to go!

Sheesh.

Uhh, so, I should say.... keep up the good work?

Maybe not exactly that, but something along those lines.

But do keep going, girl. Even when no one is watching, even when everyone else around you is being a poopoohead, it still matters who you are and how you handle things because it makes you comfortable in your own skin with the responsibility and integrity of your own decisions.

Or, put another way....

You already have within you the maturity, clarity, and wisdom you need. Unbury it from the places where you hide it. Let it shine out from you. What others do is perhaps of concern to you, yes. And more important is your own integrity.

Been feeling really down the past few days. friday night turned into a really bad night, i got rock bottom depressed. so feeling really disconnected and distant from H right now. seems to be something around feeling unloved/unvalued but it might be control stuff - i'm so incapacitated at the moment that it's like he's my arms and legs - only impossible to control arms and legs. was feeling good last week because he seemed motivated to work on house stuff with me. now it's back to the usual pattern of me trying to get him to do stuff and him avoiding it, and instead doing stuff for work, for his sister, for other people, or sleeping - never OUR stuff. This weekend he was going to fix the laundry pipes - 6 months overdue. So he slept most of saturday, now its sunday and he's gone to babysit for his sister, then he's going canoing. We need to pick up some stuff for our loungeroom - I have to keep asking when we're going to go - he has no interest. Everything has to be driven by me - and even then he'll procrastinate on it.

This stuff just makes me feel so alone. Like we're not in this life, this house, together. Like our house will never be ready. Like everybody else and everything else comes first before us. I can just feel all the anger pent up inside me and I don't know where to put it. It wants to come out in going off at him but of course that doesn't help, so I'm trying not to. So I just pent up and distance myself from him instead, which is also not great. I know i should just let go of trying to get him to do stuff, and go about what is within my control. But the thing is, this is all deadline driven stuff! They are holding the loungeroom stuff for us only till today! And he doesn't care! He's always like this - procrastinate till the opportunity disappears, and then moan about it after (and usually blame me). And I'm SO dependent on him now because of how the pregnancy is going. I wish I could have 2nd trimester back at least physically I could manage my own life then. Now I can't do anything, and he WONT do anything.

And then OM's been on my mind, intensely, the last few days. I guess it's not that surprising - had gotten into the pattern of him being my mental escape, so now when things are crappy my mind goes there. Seems like the only pleasant thoughts I'm able to summon. I wish it wouldn't though - WHY is he still in my head! There has been no trigger, no contact to provoke it - just that I'm feeling crappy and unloved and helpless over my life. He seems to represent feeling loved and wanted and appreciated to me. So how to get that crap out of my head too.

Why does life have to suck this badly. I'm not even in some horrible situation in some poverty stricken country, and still I can't cope. Something is missing, in me, to be able to just cope with daily life, just everyday stuff going slightly less than perfectly. I'm just so sick of it.