Oh yeah - and we have no food because he's also procrastinating grocery shopping - or more to the point because I haven't nagged him about it it doesn't need to be done - and I can't push a trolley anymore.

Do I need to step back here? Do I need to stop saving us from the consequences to his actions? Should I just forget about the loungeroom stuff, so that we have to pay 8x the price somewhere else when he gets himself in gear? Shall I leave the whole grocery issue alone and just starve till something bad happens to the bub and he wakes up? Shall I forget about the laundry pipes and let our soil and house foundations be ruined by detergent running into it every day? The problem is all these 'consequences' that I can see and he can't are so long term, that it's not like he'll ever learn from it. Unless it's short term and urgent, he won't do it. None of these things are life or death - they just make our lives worse and more difficult in the long run and then he'll go "oh no I should have done that" but then just carry on being the same.

I know, I know - all this falls into the category of trying to change someone else. And that never happens, and I should just give up on it.

But what am I supposed to do, when I'm almost completely dependent on that someone else right now, and I can't actually survive on my own until this pelvis/fainting/difficulty breathing stuff is resolved?

Ah

Louie - yeah I told him that I emailed OM that morning when I was mad with him, so there's nothing currently hidden. And we've agreed to go back to full transparency.
And yeah, I did have to rethink and figure out what I wanted to do based on my own moral compass independent of him. I decided I want to be an honest person and not ever lie again - that part is for me, regardless of what H does. Full transparency however - I realised I want it for the relationship, so it must be mutual. It's something I gave him, for years, without him giving me. And he never had to give it to me, because he knew he'd get it anyway. This is for like 11 years, up until this whole thing started last year. There was no reason for him to give it to me. And I just ended up feeling used by that. So no, it's not something I'm willing to give unreciprocated anymore in the hope that I'll get it back. I spent 11 years finding out that didn't work. Sad to say, some people only realise the impact that their lack of transparency has on the relationship, when they are faced with the same from the other party. I need to act in a way I'm happy with - in this case briefly acknowledging OM's text and not getting drawn into any other correspondence or emotional connection. But no, I don't feel I owe full transparency to someone who has decided they will lie to me.
But anyway, as I said it's been resolved now, and we're both going to be doing transparency.

Yes what you say about the 'package' is true. My behaviour can't be contingent on either the good bits or the bad bits.

quote:

You wonder how to 'untie' your emotions? That would be a good first step.

But how? This seems to be where I've got stuck. I've been conscious of being stuck here for a week or two now with no clue how to go forward - and I suspect unconcsciously this has been my sticking point for years. But I just don't know where to start. Everything he does affects me emotionally, when it shouldn't need to. How do I make it stop?!

Hey Lily, Penny. Thanks, but no I'm not getting a new number - have had this one since I've had a phone (about 10 years now?) and there's too many school friends and uni friends and vague friends I hear from once a year or when there's a reuinion, that I'm not willing to disappear on. Especailly after I drowned my phone last year and lost most of the numbers, so now I have to depend on them contacting me some day! My landline changes too often, my parents one has changed - this number is what I plan to be my consistent number that I intend to have for life. I don't know if things work the same over there - I thought I heard that over there mobiles were for a long time a lot less widespread than here due to how the billing worked. Also, do you have number portability?
Anyway, it's certainly not worth the hassle when OM could easily get my new number from our common friend anyway.
I guess the other thing is that the contact doesn't seem to have a big impact on me anymore. It does kind of put him in my head for a day or two, but not with much intensity. It happens much more intensely when I'm feeling down or unloved or something, than when he contacts me.

I don't know, I guess I haven't fully accepted yet that I will never be able to be friends with OM again. I know I can't be now, because of how I feel. I know I can't be for several years, because of how easily those feelings could come back. And I know that it may be never, because there may never come a time when H feels comfortable with it, and that would be required before I would contemplate it. Or maybe once I'm over this I won't want to be. BUT... I do believe that the feelings, and the relationship, can be reprogrammed and reassociated, and if there is room for that to someday happen, it would be the optimal scenario. Then I wouldn't have lost a good friend out of all of this. If it doesn't happen, que sera sera. But I'm not ready yet to rule it out. I know that goes against the stuff on here, but it's one of those cases where I feel a black and white view ignores too much.

JustJ.... (sigh) I hope you're right - but it must be buried pretty darned DEEP!

Ok - I've got the store to transfer the thing to somewhere I can go get it (despite telling me they couldn't last week) so I'm very relieved. I think I may need to give in and pay a plumber to do the pipes, which is a shame as we're really trying to stop spending at the moment since I won't be earning soon. Groceries... hmmm.... well I guess me and bub can live on takeaway if worst comes to worst. I've found the dvd's he borrowed that are overdue at the store, but there's still one lost at his parents place, I guess I just let that one go for now, though we're going to get some hefty late charges on it, it's been lost for over a week.

Going to his sis's place for lunch now, and after that I will come home and finish my filing and hopefully tax return, and sort out the few things I can still physically do. I want to make a relaxation tape of soothing music that I can start practising relaxation techniques to - maybe this can build to be something to take me out of my anxiety/reactive space when it hits.

I guess I just need to shift my mindset to that of a single (pregnant!) person with nobody to depend on, and how I'd cope then. Not easy given the physical challenges at the moment, so I'm not pleased about having to do it. But it seems it's what I'm stuck with, and the only way I'm going to be able to cope.

HI MAGS!
Been out of touch for a few days due to all the chaos im MY life! Not even going to talk about that right now.
There is so much I dont know about your situation and your H. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope you can work it out, get TOTALLY over OM, and build a new life with a beautiful baby and happy family. I have no profound advice but hope you can make things good for your baby. I think that can and should be your greatest accomplishment in life - being a good mom. I think you will be!!!!

Thanks rrr! Sorry to hear you're in chaos. Will keep an eye on your thread for an update!
I'm still simmering angry - had a relaxing afternoon with sister in law, got myself sorted out enough to work on my own stuff, and when H got home calmly tell him why I was upset. He said he'd go grocery shopping and asked for the list. I gave him the list, he said he had a headache, and went to sleep again. Brilliant. So mood-wise - back where I started. Some days I don't know why I even bother.

quote:

Do I need to step back here? Do I need to stop saving us from the consequences to his actions?

I really think that might be a good idea. Then the consequences of what he does, or doesn't do in this case, rest entirely on him. At least this is my two cents worth. Kind of the same thing here. H always felt that I nagged him about getting things done. And I did. So now, some of the challenges, I have taken on myself (I know that's not easy for you to do right now) You may have to call the plumber, you may have to resort to take out for a bit. But I have backed off completely from H and his "chores" I am leaving it entirely up to him. I refuse to worry about it.

The big thing is, let him be respoinsible for his own actions. If he is to shop and he doesn't, make sure you and the bub are fed and he's on his own. When he asks how come he hasn't anything to eat...simple answer, because you didn't shop and I can't right now.

H knows there are things here to be done. Things that he needs to do. If he decides to watch a show or play on his laptop or whatever, well that is HIS choice. I don't comment, I just go about my business. We can only be accountable for ourselves

I see such a pattern here. When things are going good with your H...you seem to be in a better place. When things aren't, your mind wonders back to OM. Simply fantasy Mags. Trust me, I'm sure OM is no picnic at home for his wife. And if he was, maybe his wife and family would be enough for him.

I think we always want the "ideal" relationship, marriage etc. Trouble is, there are no "ideal" person on the face of this earth. We all have faults. Living together in marriage is so hard. Dealing with the differences daily between personalities is hard. Takes so much patience and love. I think so many times our perception of how these relationships SHOULD be, have been shaped by the movies or tv, books or just the romantic side of women in general.

And sweetie, next to the first trimester, the last is hard. You tire, you feel ungainly, you are having problems as it is getting around and it can sap your energy. This is a time for you to take it easy, try and save up your strength, you will need it when that baby comes. Pamper yourself right now. Take care of yourself. If the house doesn't get done...oh well.

Meditate, read and tell H that you really need this time right now, you need his help. Ask gently, and tell him that you need him. The baby needs him now as well. That baby needs a calm vessel for these last few months of growing.

Hey Sandy. I guess you're right. Maybe I'll try and focus on the things that affect me and just let him wear the consequences for the rest. The annoying thing is that the consequences usually affect us both. And are often too distant or not dire for him to actually learn from. But I suppose I just need to get back into that single mindset and stop expecting stuff from him. It's hard when I'm so phsyically dependent now though. But sometimes he is really good - I guess I have to remember that on weekends like this when

But I really want to get the communication issue resolved though. I really can't live with someone where communication between us is pointless. The whole thing where we have a conversation, we will agree on something, and then he has no intention of doing it, is just driving me mad. It makes me want to either stop talking to him completely because I can't rely on anything he says, or else nag him to the nth degree so he actually does it. Yesterday I asked him to call his friend about installing an airconditioner before it got too late at night, and he said yes. I said "is that a real yes or one of those ones that means you aren't intending to do it". He said "I'll do it now". And then went to bed and woke up when..... you guessed it.... it was too late at night to call. What the?
I honestly don't know how to make him understand how unnaceptable this is. Why say you'll do it now if you aren't going to? Perhaps I need to start doing the same thing before he'll realise. I've often had to do that to him - there's a lot of stuff he never really understands till he's experienced. Drives me mad though.

So anyway. I might try and have a serious discussion about that issue tonight before I resort to desperate measures. Wish me luck!

And you're right about OM. I see the pattern too. Especially when I'm feeling unloved. For some reason, OM is my reassuring thought, my memory of being loved. But it is just fantasy. It's easy to compare and remember the bits where he does better than H, and forget the ones he is worse at. I try to remember that, but it's hard to internalise. Perhaps the people who actually do run off with their OP and then come back after it all goes wrong have it easier in that way - they actually get to see their worst side. Without that having happened it's easier to get stuck in the fantasy image.

Hi Yah Kiddo


sending you some hugs and snuggles for the nugget

Hypatia

You know its difficult to do this.. it is.. especially when you're so used to doing it.

First before I give you some ideas.. I'd like you to look at how it feels when you don't do things to 'save' him or the situation.

I have found for me that there are some things that I could let go and let go and it just annoys the crapola out of me.. but it doesn't make me crazy and if I eventually end up doing it, yeah I feel like ugh.. but I'm not angry or resentful. And then there are the things that I think 'well if it were me.. this is what I'd be doing'. And its those things that I have to take a step back and say.. but its not me. Its him... and unless I shut up and don't do or say anything I'm not giving him the opportunity to fix his behavior. I'm just taking over.

So first I'd like you to think about that.

Now.. just so you know.. EVERYTHING can be taken care of by someone else or somehow else. It'll cost more money 9 times out of 10.. but it can.

So your groceries.. you can find a market that will deliver. Or hire a kid to go and get them
Furniture.. also you do what you did.. find a place closer that you can get to.. or pay for someone to pick it up add/or deliver it.
Cleaning services for the house
repairman/construction for anything that needs to be fixed or redone.

You get my drift? So.. if you'd rather not leave things up to your H you hire others to do it.

And don't be angry about doing that and paying the money... its a choice. You either nag your H or sit around being angry that he procrastinates.. or you hire people to do things for you.

or you accept that he procrastinates.. do NOT take over for him and let it go.

And also I do like your decision about integrity and transparancy... and both of those things are about you. Whether your H is or not.. this truly is an issue that is about you. Yes.. its better to have an agreement.. and yes it makes you feel more like it is about we than me...but this is about your integrity, inspite or despite what anyone else does.

Mags.. youre really on the ball here.. and its great to see how far you've come. Eventually I have faith you will let go of the 'dependency' of falling back into the OM when you're depressed too.
Loui

It's a long process, this growing up stuff. For you, it looks like the next part of the process is learning to be self-sufficient. That's icky -- but it's also necessary.

So ...

Think about your household and how -you- want to live. Are you happy when your home is clean and comfy? Happy when there's tasty, nutritious food in the house? Unhappy when there are dishes in the sink?

Then build yourself a routine that does those things so that you can be satisfied with your surroundings.

While you're doing it, watch what happens with your husband. Does he get less attentive or more? Does he appreciate the changes or rant about things that are still not done? Does he spend more time at home or less?

See, when one person in a relationship starts to grow and change, there are various possible reactions from the other person in the relationship. Many people go, "Oh! Hey, I like this. I can work with this. Maybe I'll do some of it, too."

Others go, "NO!!! This is a change and I NEED TO CONTROL IT and I DON'T FEEL IN CONTROL AND IT'S YOUR FAULT."

Some get through that reaction. Others don't. The ones who don't get through it escalate their ranting and raving.

And at that point, you know that there is a real problem, and you take action to address it.

But first.... you test to see what happens when you make positive, thoughtful changes that benefit you -- and by association, benefit him as well.

Make any sense?

NO GESTATIONAL DIABETES!!!
And I was sure the chocolate binge I went on prior to the test (in case I got banned for the next 3 months) would bring it on... woohoo!

Hey Hyp!

Louie - yeah I think you're right in terms of distinguishing the things I can and can't let go - as well as the things he's just not doing MY way - that's a biggie. Now he's decided he wants to rearrange the laundry totally - including moving big stuff, shelving, re-piping - and making things MORE inconvenient for bub-bathing than they currently are. So this means... a) I know it won't happen anyway, and b) it means the pipes will never get fixed - 'cos what's the use of fixing them if you're going to be re-piping? (sigh) Well at least he's showing an interest again. Guess I better look for some biodegradable laundry detergent - not sure what to do about the moisture issue though.
Yeah I know most things can be outsourced (except tidying because only we know where stuff is supposed to go) - but money's going to be tight once I go off work, so we're trying to save a little. I suppose sometimes it buys sanity though!

Hope you're right about the dependency thing. I really feel like I'm in quite a rut about this at the moment - it seems to be going nowhere. Hmmm. Well I have a 'hypnobirthing' course coming up - maybe if it teaches me some relaxation techniques I'll be able to use that in other scenarios too.

JustJ - self sufficiency, hmm. I wonder how I got to be so non self sufficient in the first place. It's not like I haven't survived alone when I've had to - but when he's around I seem to lose that and become dependent. The current phsyical challenges contribute a bit too I guess.

How I want to live.... the limiting factor here has always been time. There's always something urgent to do, some firefighting to get over with, and everything lapses until then.... at which point that stuff becomes urgent instead. I'm working on setting up at least some kind of morning routine - but I'm sort of aware that it's an exercise in futility given the disruption that will be coming my way soon.
We did have a period last week where we both got into a cool routine of doing a little bit of cleanup in the morning, and we'd sort of feed off eachother's momentum. I think that's why I really crashed on the weekend, because I was so excited about this new thing we had going that when it fell over, I was extra disappointed. I was still going and doing stuff and he was.... sleeping. Doing stuff for other people. Doing work stuff. Sleeping some more. Procrastinating. Argh. And then the more I did, the more irritated I got at him not doing anything. I guess I have to reframe it in my head as doing it for me, rather than us, so I get less annoyed at him. But I still feel very sorry for myself having to waddle around struggling to do stuff that he could do quite easily, and then I resent him!
(sigh)

Oh well currently he's in the good books (very good books) anyway - went for checkup yesterday and I'm low on iron so he went and bought me meat and cooked it for me and then waxed my legs for me (since I can't reach them!) so I could try out the prenatal aqua class today without scaring everyone with my spider legs!
HEY - how come there's no LOVE emoticon!
Anyway it was a really good evening - quite bonding strangely enough. He ended up telling me how crappy he was feeling about some stuff his family did that day (I realise I need to learn to listen differently to this stuff - the way I sympathise with my friends about such things doesn't seem to suit H and instead shuts him down). Only thing is I know that family thing has really hurt his feelings and is still unresolved so eventually it'll come back to me to be punching bag for. I guess I just have to be prepared for that and take it when it comes.

(sigh) I hate swimming.

You know, it's a really good sign that you feed off each other's positive momentum. And I tell you from experience: Do this for yourself. Projecting all the resentment onto him is not helpful. Oh, and this?

quote:

...it's an exercise in futility given the disruption that will be coming my way soon...

Is so not true! Your routines will actually be -more- important then. You're right that they'll change, but think of this as "learning to put a routine together" practice, not "this is my routine for the rest of my life" practice. Routines have to grow and change and evolve as your life evolves. You'll change it when the bub starts preschool, when you finally have enough energy to get a little exercise, when this one starts kindergarten -- lots of little and big things can change a routine.

Say, have you met FlyLady yet? I started doing her stuff when DD was about 4 months old, and let me tell you, it kept me sane during times when I was almost underwater. www.flylady.com if you need a place to start. Don't get freaked out by her Extremely Cheerful Ways. Even with that, her info is really, really spot-on.

quote:

so eventually it'll come back to me to be punching bag for. I guess I just have to be prepared for that and take it when it comes.

Uhm. Really? And why would you want to dance that step? Surely it's not so hard to look him in the eye and say, "I know you are upset and hurt by what your family did and I am REALLY sorry about that. And you don't get to mistreat me because of it." And then walk away to a place he's unlikely to follow, like the bathroom. For, oh, an hour.

quote:

Oh well currently he's in the good books (very good books) anyway - went for checkup yesterday and I'm low on iron so he went and bought me meat and cooked it for me and then waxed my legs for me (since I can't reach them!) so I could try out the prenatal aqua class today without scaring everyone with my spider legs!

Well now, I found out while pregnant, that love means (for a H at least) waxing or shaving their wives legs while pregnant and painting toenails as well...

I think that is extremely sweet. Sounds to me as if he's not entirely a lost cause!!!

As for the pipes...I hear you. Stuff like that needs to be done here as well, but you know what...I have stopped worrying about it. But I'm not "nesting" (waiting for a baby) I remember when I was though. I wanted things done and perfect when the baby came home. Funny thing is, she didn't care one bit

JustJ - ok - I'll try and think of it as 'routines' practise rather than actually focusing on keeping the routing. First task is getting out of bed! I procrastinate on doing that (even more so when it's cold) - and I know I could do SO much with my morning if I just got straight out, given I go to work pretty late.
Weather is warming up, and my hormones are waking me early - now's my chance!
I looked up flylady when you suggested it to some other poster. I signed up for the mails but there were too many so I never read them! Perhaps I should just read on the website for a while instead. Then again it's been a good few weeks - you should see the amount of filing I did yesterday! I was so annoyed as our new freezer is broken ALREADY and I couldn't find the receipt and warranty - did a HUGE pile of filing yesterday and found BOTH! Woohoo! Though it's going to be a battle keeping the freezer - H was very against getting it already - now he thinks it's our chance to return it and get a refund... ARGH
Hehe I got put off by the clean sink thing though! Gawd - clean sink is my LAST priority - no way am I wasting my precious minutes on that! Maybe I can use the same concept but apply it to something I actually see as important. A clear dining table would be nice. My mum was very anal and I think a lot of my stuff has been a reaction to that. She had a shiny sink (shiny everything actually). It CONSTANTLY had to be scrubbed and wiped down. And if you brought in a dish after it had been done - have to do it ALL again. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.
Maybe I'll do clean kitchen table. Or clean desk - boy that'd be nice!

The family thing - problem is I usually don't see it coming - he'll be disproportionately mad at me for apparently something I did and I'll realise like a couple of hours later "OHHHHHHH - hang on - that wasn't about ME!". So I guess that's what I'm preparing for - so I spot it earlier and don't take it personally.
That said he's been so good thus far. Night before last he talked to me about it again. And I worked HARD to listen and not ask many questions and not do the empathy thing I'd do with my girlfriends. And I think I did ok - he didn't clam up. Hehe - there's so many listening/questionning techniques they teach us for the phones, but I can't use them on him because he's on the phones too and he'll recognise them!!! Anyway, it's still unresolved though. He's such a bottler he just won't say anything to his family about what they did. And then he'll go back to treating them normally, and there will be this simmering resentment/betrayal that will erupt in funny ways. Ah well - I can't really claim my fiery method of dealing with this sort of thing would be much better, so I guess I just have to sit back and let him deal with it however he will. And when he forgives them and starts being nice to them again without ever telling them what they did was innapropriate and hurt him - I'll have to struggle with my own feelings of injustice and resentment towards them for treating him so badly and never making it right. Ah well that's my own thing I guess.

Hehe - Sandy, yes it was very sweet! Waxing is a nasty job at the best of times. Although I must say I wonder what's the point - I used to quite like looking down at newly waxed legs (actually more so a week later when they are looking a little less bald) but it doesn't have quite the same impact seeing these funny bald spindly things sticking out somewhere the other end of a HUGE round belly. (sigh)

Guess you're right about the pipes. I mean they've coped this long. I have a feeling the consequences - given we already have mold and termites - will be more expensive and long term than he imagines, but what to do.

I took a belly picture to send you guys but my darned phone-laptop bluetooth connection has gone bust!

SAME OLD RUT. And I don't seem to be able to climb out. It's Fri night, I planned to spend it with H and his cousin from NZ, but oooh guess what the same offending relatives swooped in and took him for the night so H is at the pub, having a late one, AGAIN, and I'm at home, in my rut, ANGRY, AGAIN.
I know it's about me, I did decide to come home rather than being in a noisy pub getting tired, and I'm doing my own stuff and talking to my friends on IM. But I'm still VERY VERY unhappy about having to be alone on Friday night just because I'm too tired to hang out with people and he has no inclination to come home. And late one means he spends the weekend sleeping again, and that's the end of the house stuff. I'm trying to acknowledge that I'm here because it's where I want to be etc. etc. It's just I want him to be here too, and it makes me so sad that he isn't. And makes me feel angry and forgotten and deserted and unloved and alone and abandoned. I know I SHOULD be able to make myself happy without him... but it's not working. I would rather live alone and have no expectation of company, than live with someone and be alone. I wish my mum were alive I could have gone to hang out at her place and it would still feel like home. But now - this is all the home I've got - and it feels empty when H is not home.
So what now?

HI mags..

Sorry to see you down in the dumps... I have felt the same on many nights & weekends and those feelings of desparate aloneness can engulf us with self-pity and hopelessness.

The most difficult part of my recovery to date has been working hard at finding my inner peace to be comfortable with SOLITUDE rather than feeling ALONE ... they are so fundamentally different.

P suggested I take time alone by myself... a weekend in the woods.. this was after weeks of intensive work at home.. I returned home a better man for it... yes, I still get that cloak of aloneness now and again... but in all I am comfortable and find things at those times to validate me.. reading, scripture, guitar, quiet meditation.

Our hope as we rebuild our relationships is that time together as a couple becomes important enough that we negotiate and bless our times apart as strengthening both the marriage and the individuals. That is where my hope with my W lies...

Take care mags...
stevekd

OOOWWW..

I hear the call of Core hurts/Compassionate Healing like a shining beacon on the top of a mountain calling out to Mags.. saying..

"oh yoohoo... come read me.. come learn about me"

Everything you've said in your last post screams core hurts. And usually when those are touched most of us get into believing that they are true. And it starts this cascade... He did this.. I feel this... its his fault because... and then the pity party of this always happens and on and on.. till you've made yourself into one big puddle of hurt/anger/resentment/futility etc.

I'd like you to do this reading Mags. I think it will help you alot when you get into these funks. I think it will be extremely useful when Bebe gets to an age where the cuteness is wearing thin and you're not 100% on your mommy game. I think it will help you get to a place where you can work with your H.. from a place of compassion and not a place of pain.

Its not a one night read it and we're done thing. Go thru each reading and take your time. It'll keep you busy working on you during those times when procrastinating takes over and you 'should' be doing something constructive. This is constructive... and it doesn't take much physical energy.

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/9521040151

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/2851048251

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/4921054451

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/2841030651

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/2611027751

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/8921054951

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...1069941/m/5601043192

whaddya think?

Loui

quote:

It's just I want him to be here too, and it makes me so sad that he isn't. And makes me feel angry and forgotten and deserted and unloved and alone and abandoned.

Have you told him this Mags? Have you come right out and used these words and said to him, this is the way I feel?

quote:

Have you come right out and used these words and said to him, this is the way I feel?

Yeah but he'll just give me logical counterarguments, and it's not a logical thing.

I dunno, it's next morning now, and I'm still in a very bad place.
I've realised what I really miss is having a haven. When mum was alive I could run off there for some nurturing. Now I only have here, and it's not like I even have my own space here. I have no place which is my room only, that I don't associate with having H around in, where I'm not in 'waiting' mindset if he's not here and 'unsettled' mindset if he is here but we aren't getting on. I have nowhere to escape to. I was thinking about going in to work but I hate being there too when it's quiet. H at one stage was talking about renovating the garage into a room - I wish he had. I could use that. But he hasn't, he won't, and we can't afford to pay somebody to do it. So here I am feeling trapped and oppressed and miserable and I can't even explain why.

And I wish I had OM to talk to. It was so tempting to text him last night, just to reach out to somebody who used to love me, when the somebody who is supposed to love me doesn't seem to give a crap. But I know I've worked so hard to lead by example and show him those sort of texts are innapropriate, if I do it even once it'll send mixed messages and he'll feel like he can do the same and I'm back in a mess. And it's not fair to mess with his heart either. So I managed not to, but it was very, very hard.

Will try to read that stuff Louie - I've tried before, and I get the core hurts stuff - and I'm getting better at spotting what's happening with them which is why I wrote my feelings above - but I still don't know how to fix them. I tried the HEALS meditation and it did nothing really for me, just put me to sleep. Maybe I need to get a stosny book or something and learn how to do it properly. Or find a counsellor that knows about it. I don't know.

I am really struggling to keep my head above water right now.