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"I don't have time" is the catch-phrase of the perfectionist, you know.

(sigh) - AND the procrastinator!
But in this case, I kind of DO have a 2 month (AAAGH 7 weeks!) deadline on a lot of stuff, so it is a lot more urgent than chores - and even more urgent than self improvement. I'm going to die in about a month if we don't get aircon installed (summer is VERY hot here and our house is terrible - no insulation - it's like sitting in a sauna - and it's close to unbearable even when I'm NOT pregnant and staying home from work!) - you may think I'm exaggerating but I am talking EXTREME physical discomfort and faintness etc. I have to obtain a video camera to film the birth. I have to buy all that stuff that I'm supposed to take to hospital when I go (nursing pads and whatever else - they gave me a list). Have to get the baby car seat installed. Get a mixer put on the tap so I can bath bub. There's a few other things which I'd LIKE to have organised before she gets here - but those ones are the compulsory's. Oh, and we got broken into last week, so I need to get some extra locks put on all the windows cos it's freaking me out.

I know I know - there'll always be urgent stuff that is an excuse for not doing the non-urgent stuff. But I do think this particular deadline is a biggy!



Louie - problem is I don't really KNOW what I could compromise on that would make it safer. I'm scared of losing him, and I know that him being on that bike introduces a significant risk of that. It scares the crap out of me! And I don't think the motor power, style, or anything makes it much safer. I think he'd even go 1x a week - but if you're going once a week for the rest of your life, there's still a really high chance that something will happen to you... eventually. However skilled a person is they are very vulnerable on a bike, and it's frequently either some road condition or some other idiot on the road that causes the accident - but the difference is that on a bike you'll probably die from it - in a car you'll just get a bit bumped around.

I dunno - if I could think of some compromise that actually WOULD eliminate the risk of him dying on the thing, I'd be all for it. He has the normal safety gear, etc - not sure there's much that can be added to that. He obeys the speed limit. But a lot of people do, and still end up smeared on the road. I hate feeling like I'm restricting his enjoyment in life. But I'm not willing to lose him for it. And I could cope if there was a deadline - which there WAS. We agreed he'd get a bike before we started a family, and he did, and he rode it around every day for 6 months, and then when we started he was (according to the original agreement) supposed to sell it. So I bore the stress, every day, of knowing he was out on the thing and hoping he'd be ok. And then I thought the stress would be over. But he's reneging. And trying to make me sign up for living with that stress - with NO end date. And with a family to look after.
Him wanting to enjoy his life is one thing. But him and me starting a family under the assumption that he will be around, and then putting himself at risk of not being - I feel it's unfair. I mean, I know we can never tell the future, etc. etc., but to deliberately increase the risk of a tragedy happening to your young family? I find it unconscionable and very, very selfish.

Mags your nesting
My daughter nested right before Jade was born. We all hid because she was on a mission and in control and everything she wanted got done.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: TJ,

Yeah, you're probably right. Or at least stressing about nesting. At the moment the only thing that seems to have any importance is baby preparation stuff... everything else is just like an annoying mosquito buzz.
And it's making going to work VERY difficult! Sheesh I must have done about 2 hours of productive work last week. I feel terribly guilty because I'm getting paid to DO stuff. But it's just not interesting right now!

mags, I have been stopping in every now and again, even if I claim to have no time to post.....because there is always time, yes? The topic of your most recent post.....

But this bike issue you have chosen to power struggle with your H about.....this has been going on for quite some time.

You must let your H live his life the way that suits him, that makes him feel good. How is this any different than me chatting with you all that time ago about no contact with the OM? Shouldn't you get the same privilege, get to live your life in a way that makes you happy, everyone else be damned? Or is that the way you perceive him now? I dunno. I see fidelity inherent in the marriage vows - unless specifically stated otherwise. I don't see giving up motorcycle riding inherent in marriage vows. Even if it is dangerous.

The way I look at it, which I know is different than the way you look at it since we have different histories, experiences, and live in different cultures - is that 1)it's better to burn out than to fade away (which to me means it is better to die pursuing what one loves than to die unfulfilled and unhappy at an old age) and 2)if everyone is indeed here for a purpose (which you know I believe) our time for earth departure comes when that purpose has been fulfilled (which to me means that when it is our time, it could be in a motorcycle accident, in a tornado, from disease, or old age).

What you resist will persist. It is entirely possible that when you ever get to a place of support and acceptance of your H's interest in riding motorcycles, his desire could begin to dissipate.

Stranger things have happened.

:-)

Happy Nesting!!!

mags ...spidey has good advise. if he loves doing something maybe it makes him happier so its a trade off. but i do understand the worry about danger and your feelings may be escalated because of the nesting. i dated a man once who ran ultra marathons and i worried he would die from that. i imagined his heart might expload at mile 30 but he loved it and it made him happy. eeewww i'm missing him a little. yuk.

my not so good advise please never ever do this. would be to sell your bike on e-bay trade it for a/c and when he ask where is the bike say ...idunno how do you like the a/c ... See...thinking thoughts like that is excately why i'm not married.

Spidey, it's not a power struggle thing. Or else he wouldn't have had the bike last year. It's me wanting him alive, particularly if we're starting a family. Obviously you have different associations with the danger involved in motorbike riding, but I've been told enough horror stories by enough health professionals to be pretty convinced of the risks. The latest was my friends father who adored motorbikes and would ride every weekend - until he worked in an emergency department and saw the reality side to those risks. And then he lost a colleague that way - one with a young family. Now he still loves them but he'd never ride one. The nurse at another place I worked called them donorcycles (i.e. you're a moving organ donor).

And no, I think a person with dependents DOES have responsibilities to them. I'm not a dependent - hence when I wasn't pregnant H got to have his bike. I can survive in this world, and worst comes to worst if something happens to him, I would find a way to go on.
But a baby? No. It needs parents, if at all possible. If you bring somebody into this world you have a responsibility to care for them, including avoiding stuff that will most likely kill you. It's not part of the marriage vows - hence he had a motorbike last year. But for me it IS inherent in starting a family and creating dependents. You then have responsibilities. I don't see avoiding killing oneself as any different from avoiding other things that will break up a family and damage the children. And I think it's hypocritical when people talk about the effects of divorce/affairs etc. on a child and then ignore the effect of losing a parent. It's a BIG thing, and it's something a responsible parent would work to avoid. There's any number of people I would be ok to have a relationship with - and I'd get worried but deal with it if they were intentionally doing risky things. But I wouldn't choose to start a family with them.

I think there's a point where a person can live for themselves. When they are single, to an extent when they are married (within reason), and also after their kids are independent and grown up. But there is a stage where you are living for somebody else, and have a responsibility NOT to do stuff that exposes them to harm. And that stage is when you have young kids. So yeah - I wouldn't want him to die unfulfilled. But there is a time for everything - and this is not it. When the kids are 20 or something he can go ride again.
As for the here for a purpose and when that's over you'll die from whatever - that I don't believe. There's too much evidence to the contrary. I believe if you put yourself in risky situations you are more likely to encounter those risks - that's what a risk means.

And no - whole of last year I let H do his thing with his motorbike. I kind of hoped it would disspiate too. But it only made him worse.

Ok let me give you an abstract example, since we obviously have different associations with the motorbike thing.
Say you were with a man who was into the auto-erotic thing, and so extremely so that every time he did it you knew that there was a 50/50 chance he'd die from it. But he told you it gave his life meaning and that he was willing to take that risk. And you decided - well ok, it's his life it's his call. Then he says he wants to have kids. FOUR of them (H's latest count - he'll be lucky!)
Would you start a family with him? And would you be happy him continuing to take that risk once you had started a family with him? How would you feel, whenever he went off and did that, knowing there was a 50/50 chance EVERY TIME that he wouldn't come out of it, and that you'd be left with... a newborn, a 2 yo, a 4 yo and a 6 yo...... on your own.... because that's what he wanted for his enjoyment. He gets the enjoyment - YOU get the consequences.

Mags

I really do understand that he should be responsible and for good reasons. It would be totaly scary to think about it everytime he rode. Not just for his saftey but for you too. This means a lot to you. Marriage should bring compromise.

Okey Dokey.

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Okey Dokey.

Yep I do feel strongly about this one... was it that obvious...

Thanks TJ. Yeah it was scary every time. Especially the times he took too long and I couldn't get hold of him and stuff. I'd be running through all the horrible things that could have happened. And every time we drove down that road you'd see the little crosses and flowers for all the motorbike drivers who died at various spots.

We actually both went on the learners course together a few years ago. I ended up not persuing mine to the point of getting my proper license, because I knew I'd be in too much danger on the roads (the learners was in a protected secure area, low speeds etc). But he went on. He's already had two biking accidents and was lucky - he only has scars rather than long lasting damage.

And, at some stage I'm sure he'll be back on it again. I don't know at what age to draw the line at, in terms of when a parent can start living for themselves again rather than for their kid. It would hurt to lose a parent at any age. But I think to lose it at 5 is not comparable to losing it at 25. So there's some age in between then that I'd be able to cope with him getting on the bike. I'd never be happy about it, but at a certain point, I'd cope. But I do know that that age is not 2 years old!

It's funny it popped into my head the yukky situation a friend/acquaintance of mine is in. She's in love with this guy (they are both married) - soulmates yada yada yada she's totally head over heels and oblivious. Anyway, their current plan is to wait 6 years till his kids are 18 and then he'll leave his wife. It's all very yucky. But what made me think of it I guess is that concept of what age is it ok to be selfish again. For him it's 18. I could live with 18!

So, uhmmm, this would not be the place to admit that I'd have a bike ... in a heartbeat(!) ... if I could afford it??

P

This is one struggle that thankfully doesn't go on in this house. H had one, fell off, has a metal plate in his arm thankfully and not in his head, although sometimes I wonder...so he won't get back on one.

Bikes are fun I'm sure...but we see more then our fair share of accidents out here where I live in bikers paradise, so do I think it's worth it? Nope, not unless you are single or retired. There are enough chances in life and when babies are in the picture...well call me a prude, but I'm all about reigning it in.

Mags,

How is the nesting going?

Hehe - Penny - admit away! That is... unless you're expecting me to have your kids too!

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so he won't get back on one.

Yeah sometimes H reminds me of Bart Simpson in that one where Lisa electrified a cupcake - the rat learned not to go back but Bart didn't - I think I married Bart Simpson! H seems TOTALLY unable to learn from experience. Last night he gave himself reflux AGAIN. Why? From eating nuts, and chocolate, and coffee. Nuts he bought that night from the supermarket - despite me gently reminding him "doesn't that give you reflux?". Chocolate I bought and took to work so as not to tempt him, and he asked me to bring it back and then finished half a block in one night.
And then goes into a tizzy and thinks he's going to get oesophagal cancer because he has reflux, and buys a book on eating for reflux. Which he's been really excited about starting on.... tomorrow not today.... for the last 3 months or so.
And comes and tells me last night - like I'm going to be surprised - "I've got reflux again". Argh!
Sometimes I feel like I married a big kid!

It was funny - at the prenatal class there were 4 other couples - and it turned out 3 of the guys wanted bikes and the wives had vetoed them - and one guy HAD a bike. Then envy on the other guys faces! And then one guy nudged his wife and whined "see, he got a GOOD wife..."
Classic.

Oooh the nesting - dunno really - it seems to mainly go on in my head at the moment - my 'to do' and 'to get' list gets longer and longer - and I do nothing! Ah well - just focus on getting through the next 4 weeks of work I guess - and getting airconditioning before I'm home full time. Already I'm in a tshirt while H is in a jumper with the heater on (but he's a heatbug). It's exciting now though that the prenatal classes have started! Everything is getting so REAL. I'm getting quite excited about having a little bub! Although today I read that a newborn needs nappy changing 10-12 times a day - hmmm sounds like fun NOT.

And I finished making a baby wrap/sling thing yesterday. Ok... 'making' is a generous term given I just bought the material and then cut it in half. But I did a LOT of research on what material to get and what size and how to do it before doing so! And cutting 5.5m of material in half longways turns out to be QUITE hard when you can't bend or get up off the floor! Huh. And turned out I got the material that doesn't need hemming, which is a relief. Had to cut it in half because it was too wide for the length - so now I have two - wondering if I should experiement with tie-dye or something for the 2nd one? Wouldn't want to wreck it... but I WOULD have the spare...

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It's exciting now though that the prenatal classes have started! Everything is getting so REAL.

hmmm.. what I remember most about the classes was that the pervading atmosphere was dominated by raw fear. Terrified adults pretending to be juuussst fine.

Mags.. it'll be fine. Somehow everything that needs to be in place and done for when the baby gets home will be done. And whatever isn't.. wasn't that important to begin with.

Oh... about nappys/diapers. I remember when my all of mine were FINALLY potty trained. I had one unopened box. (I guess I had been changing diapers pretty much non stop for around 7 yrs by that point).. I brought them back for a refund. The girl looks at me oddly and says was anything wrong with them? I say sweetly.. No. And she says what is the reason for the return? I say... because I never want to see another one of these again. Ever.

I got my money refunded with a smile...

Loui

Yeah - there is a lot of fear! I think it'll certainly be the biggest physical/pain challenge I've ever taken on, as I'm a complete wuss!

Heh - as a kid I always said I was going to adopt children - at an age when they were already potty trained.

Hmmm - maybe next kid!

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Yeah - there is a lot of fear! I think it'll certainly be the biggest physical/pain challenge I've ever taken on, as I'm a complete wuss!

There is a reason women give birth and not men. Because we are much stronger then we give ourselves credit for. You will be fine, and just think of the prize at the end. Someone who will love you unconditionally...no questions asked.

Mags,

Your so sweet. You and your bub...

Those nappys will only take 30 seconds to change.... when they are little. It gets a little more challenging when they start crawling. Then sometimes changing requires skill... using both of your hands and maybe one of your legs to hold em down.

Good job on the wrap sling. Cutting, researching, tie dye. Wow Girly!

Hey, good for you on getting that sling made. Sounds very very cool.

Thanks! I'll send you all a pic if/when it gets used....
Along with all the bump pics I've taken! I keep taking them on my phone but the **** things won't rotate - then I forget - then they're outdated - think I'm due to take another set again - better use my camera this time as it's very annoying having pics that will only sit sideways! Then again I think they look marginally slimmer that way...

TJ - well I'll hope to get it down to 30s! Maybe I'll treat it like a rally car challenge. Lordy I have a new found sympathy for a collegue of mine who has triplets - that'd be 36 nappy changes in a DAY!!! I think I'd just put the 3 of them in a tub and hose them down every half hour...!