ooowww.. I know what you are going thru!! I was not allowed to do anything the last 2 months of my last pregnancy. It was definitely a magical feat to take care of a 2 & 4 yr old without 'doing' anything!!

I don't know how you feel about chiropractors.. (my exH was one).. but it was extremely helpful before and after the pregnancy. Afterwards it might be wise to ask about core muscle exercises (that helps with pelvic instability.. I have had it for years and years)... and it has helped me tremendously. Last year at this time the pain was so bad again I was considering surgery...4 yrs ago I had to quit my job where I stood on my feet 8 hrs a day because of the pain.

Ice and warm wet heat will help..especially if you're getting the pain down the leg. If you lie on your back put a small pillow under your knees to relieve the pressure on your lower back. If you lie on your side make sure your head & neck is not bent and is level to your your shoulders. Put a small pillow beneath your belly so its not stretching forward and pulling on your back muscles. One between your knees too if there's pain.

quote:

What if I can't have more kids? What if I can't look after the one I have?

Tell you what.. get thru having this one.. you may decide that one is enough!!! You will be able to look after the one you have. You may have to adjust how you do things, and/or learn new techniques to do them.. but you will.

Mags.. I've lived with lower back instability, scoliosis for years. I have no disc left in parts of my lower back and the ones that are left are either herniated or pinched. (my chiropractor says I have a 30 yr old looking body with an 80 yr old skeleton). You adjust, you exercise, you learn how to do things differently and unfortunately you learn to live with the pain.

You Will Be Fine..

make that your new mantra.

And bebe will be beautiful.. just like mommy.

Loui

Hi Mags,

How are you and bub today?

Thanks Louie, Sandy - yeah I guess it is easy to wallow in self pity and forget that people DO cope with this stuff. I guess it just shakes my belief that everything will be ok - and then I start worrying about everything else that could go wrong.
Doc's seem to be very uninformed about pelvic instability - at least my GP was. I'm going through a midwife program so I don't have an Ob, I see a midwife for all my appointments unless something looks suss - was thinking of requesting to see one but lately I'm getting such a bad impression of doctors! Mostly because of a couple in H's family plus that GP - I shouldn't be so cynical without meeting the Ob I guess. Anyway the midife suggested a physio so I might try that.

H is home! He'll be interstate some of next week, but hopefully I'll be better by then. He has been very good. Not so much VOLUNTARILY paying attention, but he's been willingly making me tea and helping me around when I ask him to.

Yep I think I'm going to go see an osteopath. Was tossing up between a chiro and an osteo but I found an osteo first who mentioned an interest in pregnancy stuff, so osteo it is. And I've been recommended a book on how to work on the core muscles afterwards, so I might get that.
Hehe - yep I've got my pillow structures all set up! H complains he can't even get near me anymore, for all the pillows. I think it's his own fault - if he didn't wriggle around so much I could use him as one of them!

I guess the other part that bugs me about all this is how dependent it makes me on H. Given everything that's happened, particularly. The thoughts go through my head - "what if he'd left me - I'd be a vegetable now", "I don't deserve all his help through this", "what if it's not his bub and it's the last bub I can have", "what if it's not his bub and he leaves me afterwards and I can't look after myself" etc. etc. etc. It's all so horrible.

Hey TJ - I'm doing a bit better now, I must say. I'm SLIGHTLY more mobile - but it's enough to be a little better because then I know it can get better, not just worse. Every time it happens I fear it can only get worse, because it's supposed to get worse as I head for the due date and the hormones kick in even more. Improvements make me more optimistic. Plus if I have some mobility I can try and start doing some exercises for my back, which is the other problem. So I guess I'm feeling a little less pessimistic about life today

Mags,

I'm glad your feeling less pessimistic today... Isn't it aggravating how those feeling come and go. Wouldn't it be great if the good feelings could just stay and never waver.

Mags, your a sweet, kind, helpful, sincere, lovely person and you deserve the same. I'm so glad H is helping you through. Ask him to do lots... :-) I'm hoping the osteopath will be helpful too. What is a physio? physical therapy?

My D isn't my first H's child Long story. It was my secret for a long time. I still don't think all my family knows.... :-O

Bub's little sweet face will make all of it worth while. Did you say that you'd picked out a name for her?

Yeah, it's weird even being able to recognise that every time the pelvis thing hits, it depresses me disproportionately, doesn't seem to help me get over it!
Physiotherapist - don't really know what the distinction is with all of them - physical therapy sounds about right - they seem to be the ones involved most in sports/rehab/etc. - they have physio's at the hospital but not osteo's or chiro's.

If things go pearshaped in Jan - there will be no hiding it from the family! The visual difference would be fairly obvious. It would be VERY hard to deal with. I probably shouldn't worry about it so much - the chances are so small - just that the consequences are so huge.

No don't have a name yet! I'm terrible with decisions...

Oh help

What is it about Fridays - some kind of conspiracy?????!!!!!!

Today I told H he could do his 'boys' thing and leave me at home this Friday - was determined to sort myself out about this Friday-aloneness issue. Planned to do my expenses, read, relax, etc. - not flip out at him. Ok so there's a good little mini challenge. So far so good.

OM calls. WTH? He hasn't since the thing (he has texted/emailed) so I wondered why - must be important? I missed the call as I was away from my phone. Didn't quite feel ok with calling him back so I texted and asked if I should call back (don't ask why, I don't know). Couple of hours later he called back.

Now, I think a lot of why his stuff happened revolves around his fear of ageing. He turns 50 in 3 days so it's really coming to a head now, so I guess all his old avoidance tactics (i.e. me) are peaking. Anyway he just called to say hello and how was the pregnancy going - and as it happens is having his birthday party tonight - just a small dinner. Now of course back when things were on, I had fantasies/images/whatever of being at his 50th party. So for some reason this sent me into a spin. I don't even know why, but my head started whizzing around. Anyway he said he'd have liked me to be there, but couldn't see how as H would have been unhappy. I agreed. He asked whether H was around or interstate and I said he's here but out with the boys. He said well if I felt like coming that I was welcome to. We both knew that wouldn't happen. How the heck he'd have explained my presence there I can't imagine!

Anyway usual pleasantries, he apologised for calling, and that was it.

But I couldn't stop my head from spinning. For some reason I desperately wanted to be there. I don't even know why! It took me a little while to realise - it wasn't even because I wanted to see him, or speak to him, or be around him. I didn't get much of a rush from hearing his voice. About half an hour later I realised it's something else - for some reason a burning curiosity to see his life. I don't quite know why yet. Just that I've never really seen his life, and I'd love to see what a birthday dinner at his house is like, who his friends are, what they talk about, what his house is like, what his family is like, etc. etc. And I didn't actually want to be part of that scene - gawd imagine me racked with guilt when I saw his wife and kids, or trying to make smalltalk with some rich people 20 years older than me who I have nothing in common with and don't know me from a bar of soap. Without even alcohol to lubricate my sociability! No, it would be pure torture to be actually part of the scene. But for some reason, I feel like I'd give anything to be a fly on the wall there. I desperately wish I could just see the whole event. I've no idea why!

I don't know if it's to do with the idealised view I used to have of his life. His life always seemed so sorted out, his family so well off and picture perfect, his friends so close and all of them having so much fun together. Pre-crush I used to imagine being part of that life - being a proper friend, having them over for a bbq, going over there for dinner. I'm not sure why I wanted it so much - whether I wanted in on his life because I had the makings of a crush on him, or whether I got a crush on him because I wanted his life. I guess it was more that he was a mentor and I admired him, so I wanted some reciprocity or something. Anyway, I still seem to have this idealised view of his life. And I don't know why! My parents are closer to his age and I'd be bored crapless at their dinner parties. Why do I work his up to some epitome of wonderfulness? I don't know. And I think maybe that's why I wish I could be that fly - I wish I could inject some realism into my views. Sit there, listen to old people make boring conservative (his political views are opposite to mine) conversation and realise how stupid I was being. Or, alternatively, witness the celebration of a big milestone in his life, see what his friends and family are like, and stop having to imagine it.

Anyway all this is moot, I'm not a fly. But I'm back where I am EVERY **** friday - i.e. in some emotional bermuda triangle. And H is going to want to talk about it when he gets home, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I texted him when I was spinning because I was worried otherwise I'd work myself up into a funk about telling him. So I didn't tell him, but I used our old code that he used/uses to let me know when he's caved to his addiction and had a smoke - it was a compromise based on when he used to lie about it, where he didn't feel ready to actually call and tell me and discuss it, but at least I'd know he'd had one and we could talk about it later when he was ready. He called to find out what it meant when I sent it - I said I spoke to OM. So I'm probably going to be in big trouble when he gets home. Rightfully so, but I'm not sure I can do it right now, I'm not sane yet. I sent several totally unnacceptable texts while my head was spinning. Now it's unspun and I don't have the urge to anymore, but I still have this yearning to see what's happening at OM's place.

Ah I give up. I guess my mind will sort out it's spaghetti tomorrow, it's just this function tonight that's thrown me. Who has their 50th on a FRIDAY! There honestly is some sort of a Friday conspiracy.
Maybe I'll just go to bed before H gets home, and then I can discuss this when I'm sane again. What do I say though? There's no excuse, I don't know why I did it, I have no justification whatsoever. Sorry is pretty meaningless if you don't know how to stop it happening again.

On the plus side, once OM is on the other side of 50 he can't run from it anymore, and he'll have no more use for me either.

And guys - I have to say this - I really don't need anybody telling me a) I shouldn't have done it, or b) WHY I shouldn't have done it. I already know that. I know it seems like if you can just be persuasive enough, it will help me not to do it again, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. Something just lets loose in me and logic doesn't get a look in.
I guess more accurately - you can say that stuff if you want, but I probably won't respond to it. Why? Because I have no defense. This is indefensible, unjustifiable. It's not something I did because I thought it was ok - I knew it wasn't ok but I didn't care. I just wish I could understand myself a little better, and what goes on in my head, so that I could work on some ways to bring my actions and emotions into line when they stage their little rebellions. At the moment, I've got nothing.

Dammit, my best friend isn't even online to talk.

I think I might go make some relaxation cd's to take to hospital or something. Or do the expenses. Or both. And just keep my mind off the thought that OM is having his big birthday party tonight and I don't get to be there.

how 'bout if i send along some hugs, Mags?
{{{{{{{{{{****Mags****}}}}}}}}}}}}

alone time IS hard
but is can be a very good thing
really

more hugs to you
Hypatia

Hey Mags
Below is something i wrote to another Villager a few months back about ALONE
granted
not ALL words fit your situation
But
i thought it worth cutting and pasting here for you

more hugs to you
H
alone

indeed a potentially scary confusing empty idea

and then when it is a reality
when the only sounds are the thoughts in our heads
core hurts can sneak out from the places where they have laid dormant for such a long time

alone
truly alone
leaves to our own resources
to our own responsibility
to our little voices

people do some pretty amazing things in order to quiet the core hurts trying to creep out when we are alone
as you have experienced
there is on line porn
infidelity
seeking out others to fill what seems like quiet but instead is really the core hurts trying to peek thru
filling your life with friends and family

you went out to dinner in hopes of a chance conversation with strangers
others go to bars
some go to movies
some people spend too much time at work
some over extent them selves socially
some people in and out of random relationships seeking that one person who will insure they never be alone again
many people look to alcohol and other substances to dull and quiet the core hurts
and a myriad of other ways to avoid what it really feels like to be alone

many many people have no idea that this is what they are doing
goodness
our society encourages us to live MORE life
fill up our lives
have more friends
be more busy
don't stop live more
do more
with noise from our shiny televisions
with cable hook up
with internet
this cool place to go
that exciting place to play
we see characters on TV shows and in movies whose lives are full and they are sooo happy
the Jones do more and more and more every year
and we try to keep up with them
there is a plethora of products advertised to us to help us be more so we can do more, have enough energy to do more
MORE MORE MORE!!!!


we set our sights and focus so hard on that next human encounter so we do not have to pay attention to the alone

and yet
at the end of the day
after we have dropped in to our beds
exhausted physically and mentally and emotionally from too much
we still have our core hurts
we did not loose them in the crowds like we had hoped

what intrigues me is how many people out there have never really ever been alone
oo
they say they have
gosh
maybe they did not have a date for...... gosh...... a month
or haven't seen their spouse say.... for a week ( as is your case)
maybe they chose to go off on a retreat for... say..... a week but had a group waiting at the other end to refill the alone
never really sat with it
never really listened to it
never explored it
never embraced all it entails
never pushed the alone envelope

cause it is scary
i will be the first to admit that one
i will not pretend anything for the sake of readership or at the chance of being seen as weak or broken
alone IS scary

and that is ok

it is not so much that it is scary or confusing or that is evokes core hurts
or anything else

it is what we do with it and whether or not we can find peace in the alone
whether or not we learn and stretch and grow in the alone that matters

and dear Villager
just because you are alone
does NOT mean you or anyone else is unlovable, or unworthy, or incapable of love or any thing else

it simply means you are alone

right now
i am alone
no end in sight
and working on not worrying about it
i hear the hum of the refrigerator
the lingering rain drops from the storm that has past
the tickety tick tickety of my fingers on the key board as i type
and that is ok
so i listen deeper
there is the clock in the kitchen
softly whispering the passing of time
a click in the refrigerator as the thermostat turns off the fan
a passing car bout 1/4 mile away
and the rain drops
and i feel
reach deep inside
call out the core hurts
say hello
ask how they are doing
invite them to come and play
come out come out from where ever you are
and explore
and smile
cause they are just core hurts
and they made who i am today
and i like me


and no
i would prefer not to be alone
this is not what i envisioned my life to be

and yet
i have inner peace

yah
i may cry my self to sleep again tonight
or not
but i will not beat myself up for it in the morning
and i will not lie or pretend it did not happen just so i can look all brave and strong and big
and knowing and more enlightened and........
pfffft
that would be poppyc@ck

and dear Villager
something interesting i learned during my last marriage
i personally felt more lonely when i was married then now when i am actually alone

i personally would prefer to be alone than feel lonely in a pair or group ever again


hugs to you and hang in there
Hypatia

ooo a PS for you
my signature line
how does that go?

Thanks Hyp
(sigh) Yeah - that's kind of why I told H to stay out as late as he wants. I have to adapt to the alone thing, so I thought I'd have a go at it, but with it having been my conscious choice, rather than being all mixed up with H neglecting me, etc. I think I'd have gone ok with it.
But Om's birthday thing was bad timing.

Anyway as it is I've now been glad to be alone this evening - only because I'm scared of how mad at me H is going to be when he sees the texts! ARGH. I guess that's not QUITE the idea of being ok with being alone though!

You know - maybe this confusion I felt is just part of letting go.

I think I've always had a thing about big milestones. Like exaggerating their significance. When my first love didn't make it to my 21st birthday... even though we weren't together anymore... I finally let go a big chunk of hope. Before that I'd had this feeling about him - I always thought he was 'the one', and that we'd eventually get back together when we were older and more mature. But knowing that he COULD have been at one of my big milestones, and that he wasn't - for some reason this broke it. Not due to anger at him - just because... if we were 'fated' - well obviously he would have been at my 21st birthday... so maybe we weren't fated.
Which of course as it turns out we weren't!
It was a big step for me to not go to his 21st b'day 9 or so months later. But because I'd written him out of my life after the thing at my 21st, I didn't go, kind of to seal it, I guess.

Funnily, I was always a little mad at OM for not making it to my wedding (we were only friends back then). I sort of wrote him off a little as a long term friend because of that. Recent events led me to justify it a little by the fact that everything that followed would have all been much more wrong if he'd been there to see me get married. I was glad he made it to my 30th birthday last year. So maybe I saw making it to his 50th party as part of that whole thing. Something that - if we were meant to be in eachother's lives long term - I could not have missed.
Maybe that's why not being able to go sent me into such a spin. Maybe it's because it forces me, according to my weird milestone view of the world, to let go a big piece more than I had. It forces me to accept we AREN'T supposed to be in eachother's lives. And I guess in the long term that can only be a good thing.

Mags said “ the chances are so small - just that the consequences are so huge.
Something just lets loose in me and logic doesn't get a look in. “


Maybe it is logical to want/need a relationship with OM. He could possibly be the father of your bub. Small of a chance but like you said the consequences would be huge. I think it would be normal to want/need a connection. Right / wrong, I dunno. OM deep down probably feels that way too. And the dynamics of it all. The now, the what if’s and what it not’s are all swimming around for you. I understand the need for your connection. And sometimes we just want to know that someone we once cared about is okay. So I think its ok to keep within boundaries and also say “Hello, I hope everything is going okay with you.“ It’s just so hard for me to keep those boundries… cause when I contact ex OM or he contacts me that’s not all I wonder/dream about and it doesn’t matter how happy I am in a current relationship. I miss him sometimes for no reason but that I miss him. The good parts about the “was-us” and then I go through that process to separate the relality of it all.
It's huge for you sweety just huge. I'm not sure of all the details of your situation. Do you have a plan in case the bub is his?

Mags!!

(I'm laughing since i have been your major wrist slapper)..

No. I won't say anything of the sort this time. I have something positive to say. (yup.. put the liqueds down before you drop them)

Actually. I think you did great really. Yes, you shouldn't have texted back, yes, his number should be blocked from your phone, yes...you KNOW you shouldn't have spoken to him.

All those things you know... AND...

you were able to get ahold of your head and stop the spinning. You were able to get ahold of your heart and put it back into perspective. You were able to reach out to your H and ask for help. Even knowing that you'll have some fallout from your temporary insanity. You held onto your integrity and told OM no. You held onto your morals by texting your H and telling him. You held onto your self worth and value by sitting and really thinking everything through.

That my dear. Is a major breakthrough.

So cheers sweetie.

Next time will get easier and the next time and the next time. And after awhile...you will wonder what took ya so long!

ps.. I thought of you last night. D17 & I went to see Australia w/Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. My first thought about her is how is she so tall and thin !!?? And about him.. well... he is definitely worth looking at (especially the obviously cheesecake shot of him all soaped up with muscles bulging and pouring water down the back.. oh yeah..drool drool).
I enjoyed the movie, and subplot story about the aboriginal people and what was the lost generation of interracial children.

The cinematography was spectacularly gorgeous. One day we'll get there to visit. Sigh...

Loui

Hey mags--

You post to me a lot, so I figured I'd come on over here and try to catch up on your sitch...

Admittedly, I don't have time to read 26 pages of posts... soooo... I read the first few, and the last few...

Can I be a PITA?

Can I get a quick-- paragraph or two-- summary of the sitch? Quick timeline?

Or are ya gonna make me read 26 pages??? (just teasing you... :P ) I figure you've got lots of time being laid up and all (I can't imagine that! I feel for you!)

Hope you are doing well! And good luck with bubbers!

Well, I'm still trying to figure out what the heck is so bad about turning 50? I'm looking forward to it. And guys age better then women for the most part...so what's the big deal? Has he not heard that 50 is the new 30?!?!?!?!

Oh well. I'm not going to say anything either about what you did since I was one of the biggest "falling off the wagon" villagers time and again, most likely in the history of SYMC. I understand. I really do

HOWEVER, I am rather taken aback at the OM. How dare he call you and ask you to come to a dinner at his home, with his wife and kids etc. What a freaking lack of respect for YOU, your H, his wife and kids. That's F'd up Mags. It really is.

That sounds more like it's an "all about him" type of situation and his ego. My god, nothing like having the wife and your former Ap in the same room. That's disgusting on his part and shows a total lack of compassion for either one of you. (you and his wife)and doesn't say much about him as a person, at least that's my opinion.

This is one more of many reasons why it's not possible to maintain a friendship after an affair. What a hurtful thing on so many levels for him to even suggest.

and

TJ, you make a lotta sense sometimes. Yes, I do wonder sometimes about how much of this hanging on is the tiny 'if'. It isn't consciously, but subconsciously may be. I hope so - at least that means it'll become easier after January.
No I have no plan for the if. My life will literally fall apart. I can't even conceive of how I'd proceed from there. Or, to be honest, whether I'd proceed. A lot would have to do with how H feels I guess. If H didn't leave me... well, he'd have to be a saint. And his family would probably never forgive me. I don't know if amidst all that we'd make it through. If he did leave me... I must say I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that. I don't think it would end very well. That's a lot of why I try not to think about it.

Thanks Louie! It's not all that great though. I'm really glad I texted H. But I still spent the whole evening like Cinderella wondering how I could get to the ball but knowing I couldn't.
Hehe - that movie has got panned here! I haven't seen it yet though. I do LUUUUURVE Hugh Jackman - how any guy can be that good an actor AND be able to sing and dance AND be that georgeous AND (apparently) be one of the kindest nicest most lovely guys you'll ever meet - I truly don't know. I found out the other day he went to school just up the road from here! (swoon). That said, I haven't been able to put him on my movie-perve list - for some reason he's too sweet! So I don't find him sexy. There's a big gaping empty hole in first place ever since Ralph Fiennes fell off off there last year and I went off Jude Law - I must be getting picky!

Sandy - not sure why he's so hung up on the 50 thing. In his head, that's when you start deteriorating (sigh - in my head that was 30! Now I've quite accepted I'm on the downhill slide!!!).
He didn't really invite me. I wonder if that was part of what bugged me. Telling me half an hour beforehand, he knew I couldn't/wouldn't be able to come. I think he must have just felt bad about not telling me about it, and not inviting me. Perhaps this was his compromise, I dunno, showing he'd like me there but without it being an actual possibility.

Bunny - hey I'm always happy to go on about myself! Will post a cheat-sheet...

Summary of my story... (i was going to say quick summary but i know how long winded I am!)

About 2 Decembers ago I went to drinks with some old colleagues - including a sort of mentor who used to be one of my old bosses in my first job after graduating uni. This was about 7 years after I worked there and we'd vaguely kept in touch - he was someone I looked up to and admired tremendously, idealised etc. I think I'd always craved attention from him because I admired him so much. My feelings weren't romantic though. Guess it never crossed my mind because he seemed the epitome of honourable family man with never an untoward thought.
Anyway a combination of late night and alcohol and jealousy and he started putting the moves on me very persistently and then in the cab on the way home, kissed me, and I was too much in shock to put up much of a protest, I was so flattered by him paying so much attention to me.

That seemed over, he apologised the next day and couldn't remember too much, and after some time I told my H, who was very good about it. That should have been the end of it except that incident just triggered all sorts of endorphins and from then I was pretty obsessed with him. My mum was very sick at the time and I was stagnating at work, we'd moved back to a city I don't like, and everything was bad. I emailed OM a lot and flirted, etc. It was such an absorbign way to forget my miserable life. At some stage we had a 'talk' to try to clear up what had happened and why - he basically said he'd always found me attractive but he wasn't in a position to do anything about it, and that was that. Anyway I was obsessed and 'in love', he wasn't but was probably getting an ego boost and some nice chemicals. I kept obsessing about whether he had feelings for me and wishing he did, and trying to forget him and ignore him but failing miserably.
In May of that year (2007) my mum passed away.
Sept or so of that year he gave me a lift home from a drinks - he was sober this time - and kissed me. 10 or so months of frustration let loose and I pretty much jumped on him. I think he was quite shocked, and that's when the chemicals got triggered for him. He sent me a dozen red roses at work for my 30th birthday (nobody has ever done anything that romantic to me), and next time we were together said he loved me. Things got more intense and of course I was a tortured soul trying to break it off but desperately wanting not to as well.
Tried to break it off at Christmas (which made last Dec pretty intense) - failed. Broke off again in March - and just before that happened the phsyical side went all the way. Had 1 month NC after which we were supposed to go back to 'friends'. That lasted, I think, about 2-3 weeks before it became more than friends again, and of course the phsyical relationship resumed where it left off. Resolved that if this was some kind of screwed up response to losing my mum, then it HAD to be over within a year after she was gone - so set a final breakup date at the end of May. We took a day off work and spent the day together and then attempted to start indefinite NC.

Had the odd backslide, and then a major slip up at the end of July, just kept getting back on the horse (and still falling off every now and then).

Anyway at the same time, I'd always said I'd start a family when I was 30. H is 9 years older than me, so he's been very patient! So after I turned 30 in Oct, we decided to start trying around March (I was broken up with OM then so it seemed all fine). As it turns out we got pregnant rather sooner than expected (conception must have been around mid april). Which unfortunately was when I'd accidentally slipped back into being with OM. We took precautions but there's always a small chance. Add to that that H and I weren't trying very wholeheartedly at that stage and... anyway it's freaked me out since then as to whether there could have been a stuffup. It petrifies me. Anyway so I'm due middle of January.
At the time it was all happening, I'd planned never to tell H. Being pregnant, I was even more terrified of telling H about the whole thing and him leaving me single, alone, pregnant and vulnerable. And also scared of destroying his chances of bonding with the bub by introducing him to paternity fears.
But anyway, around end of Aug I bit the bullet and told him. I was very lucky, he took it amazingly well. He went off on some meditation course and did some processing there and decided not to leave me YET. And since then I've been working on complete transparency, etc. I honestly can't believe how amazingly he has responded when I slip up. He actually seems to be almost the only person whose perception of what happened sort of aligns with how I feel. He seems to be able to acknowledge the impact OM had on me and the depth of the feelings I had/have for him. I don't really understand how. I know if it was me I'd be full of wishful thinking and trying to deny to myself that the affair had any piece of 'real' emotion in it. But he seems to not have that denial. I don't really know what goes on in his subconscious, of course - he's one of the types who suppresses things and then they blow up months later, in some totally disconnected circumstance. But it certainly makes it easier to be honest with him, because he reacts so well. He didn't even blow me up for the other night. He said he feels sorry for me, and helpless, because he sees me missing OM and fighting myself. He has the right to be SO SO much angrier at me - and yet he seems to think of me instead. I truly don't understand how anyone can be that amazing. And I do still worry that there's a volcano suppressed under there somewhere.

And I guess that pretty much brings me up to date!

Thanks for the update Mags

I am in awe that your H has been so understanding! You are very lucky. I understand your apprehension about the "volcano" thing tho-- I remember feeling that way too.

I'm assuming OM's W doesn't know if he's inviting you over for a birthday party? I can't believe he had the kahunas to do that either! Wow!

Anyways, I've BTDT in terms of most of where you are. Thankfully, I've been NC now for over a year- although my NC was accomplished in stages (which it sounds like you are going thru now)-- not as a one-time and its done thing. Looking back, a one-time and its done thing probably would have been better... but hind site is 20/20, eh?

At first I just started avoiding OM in spring of 2007... I wanted to end it, but I didn't have the kahunas myself, and every time things went bad with me and H, I would run back to OM (stupid, stupid). Then I asked him to stop calling me etc in summer 2007. He didn't really listen, and I didn't really enforce it. He would find reasons he "had" to call or text me. I gave the same reason as you for not changing my phone number... it was an old number I had had 10 years and was afraid people wouldn't be able to find me really... it was just an excuse.

I finally changed my number and cracked down on my contact with OM in the fall of 2007 (September-ish). He left me alone finally, and I changed my phone number (and haven't had ANY problems with people not being able to find me... I just made it largely clear to the people I cared about that I changed my number! Via email, text, etc).

I didn't hear from OM from Septemberish of 2007 until February of 2008-- when H found a 7 page manifesto love letter that OM had emailed me. H had my passwords for transparency, and found the email before I did. That sent us into a tailspin for a bit. I used that opportunity to send a proper NC letter... and haven't had any contact, at all, since.

It ain't easy, but now I honestly can say I'm totally indifferent about OM and able to see just how totally crazy I was for that year of my life when I was wrapped up in the A-- and also pull the smoke screen off and see him for what he really was. I'm not going to sit here and bash him, that's silly, but lets just say that he's not really the person I idolized and made him out to be.

Good luck Mags... and take care of yourself and lil' bubbers. I hope things work out for the best for you.

Someone said this to me once when I was in the thick of my A... it stuck with me and maybe it will you too... "the decision of what to do is yours... but you should make it, before someone else makes it for you". I almost, almost, almost waited until it was too late. As you can see from my thread it still might have been. I'm certainly not out of the woods.

Anyways, I'll stop there. Just wanted to let you know I read your summary! Thanks!

Hi Mags!
I read your update, and the reply from Bunny. I SO HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU!!!
I wish my H had been just a fraction as understanding as yours. My A was a total of about 3 months at most. I came forward and told my H, stopped all contact from that point. My divorce was final this week. It really stinks. I lost a 29 year marriage by being foolish for 90 days. I so wish my H could have realized it was just a mistake, but there was NO talking to him about it.
TAKE CARE OF THE BUB!! You are a wonderful person - I can tell!!

Hey Bunny - yes I am VERY lucky with my H.
No, OM's wife doesn't know. I don't think it was a serious invite - kind of done late enough that there was no chance I could go, so more an afterthought. I think it just kind of popped into his head right there on the call.
Hmmm it's kind of heartening to hear yours was done in stages but is now final. I don't seem to be able to do more than stages, however often I resolve to do it cleanly. Maybe it's a little like healing, you can only do however much you can manage at the time, even though it'd be nice to just skip to the end. I find myself going through little pieces of goodbye every now and then. His b'day was one. I had another last night. They really seem to break me, even those little bits of letting go.
I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I'm indifferent to OM. On the one hand I hope I will, because that's when I'm recovered, and when NC will be easy. On the other I will feel like a liar and a hypocrite and like I can't trust my own feelings, my own mind - because how could I go from thinking he's a special person in my life who I will love always, to being indifferent. Maybe that's what I'm protecting by not letting go - my trust in myself.
Hmm thanks for asking me to write that summary actually. It was kind of good to get the sequence of events clear in my head.

rrr - yes, I always think of you and your H to remind me how lucky I am. You tend to see on here the BS's who ARE willing to try, and forgive, and forget that some won't. But then I remember your story and remember that so many won't - it's just that they don't show up on here so it's easy to forget! I still get so sad when I think of your H being unable to try even after so many good years.

Huh - not wonderful at all - or I'd be much further down this path than I am now! I guess I have to just keep crawling to the finish line.
Thanks for the wishes! I can't wait for bub to be out of here...