Oops you're right louie! Computer died and I thought I'd lost it - have gone and deleted the duplicate now - too long and painful a rant to have to have there twice!

I was lying in bed and thinking this morning... what an odd situation where the ordinary act of somebody walking past and getting in their car can get magnified in significance and provoke such an extreme emotional and physiological response in me.
Humans are just such **** strange things. Spock would be mystified by me!

Distraction support: What's your favorite flavor of ice cream, mags?

And other support: Keep doing NC, even if you do it badly.

Hehe - thanks JustJ! Yes I'm hanging on to the thought that doing it badly is still a world of difference from not doing it at all - it was so tempting to text him after I saw him - but I clung on to the idea that I haven't actually communicated with him since NC started, and I have to stick to that!

Ultra chocolate! The sara lee one that's really DAAARK. I'm MOST perturbed at the moment - my fridge is chocablock with ice cream I don't like - my H bought some (what posessed him to buy the one he bought, I don't know - it's AWFUL!), my dad bought some, my H bought some to feed my dad - NONE of it I like - and it's taking up all the room in the freezer that I need for my berries! Not happy john... It's going to SIT there in the fridge until I chuck it out, I just know it. I can't even encourage him to eat it cos it's not healthy! And I can't buy ice cream I LIKE because there's no room!
ok hissy fit over ;->

quote:

Keep doing NC, even if you do it badly.

I agree. I am reading Mags...been going through some things myself, so I've been holding off on posting.

I am proud of you sweets...and, I feel your pain. I know it all too well.

I know that you can do this. I know you will falter. I know you will fall and I know you will get back up and dust yourself off.

LovingB - yes you're right it's a classic symptom. Helen Fisher's book talked about how the dopamine thing goes into overdrive at the threat of having 'supply' cut off - I should have seen it coming. And it's crazily true - I feel further in the fog today and yesterday than I did when I was still seeing OM! Urgh. I mean it used to be that seeing him, talking to him, being with him gave me the high. Now just seeing him walk across a carpark sends me into overdrive? It's like he's taken on godlike proportions in my head. What a joke. I guess I just have to wait it out.

In truth - I don't quite know what to do to plug the leak. The jockey was shouting and shouting and the horse was just ignoring it. I mean I suppose I can try and build up the battery of arguments my jockey uses - the fog I've been plunged into following that event would be one. But I don't know if it's enough. I don't know why I didn't do it. I don't have any confidence that it won't happen again.
I know what you mean about extending a lapse by beating myself up. I'll try not to do that. At the moment my immediate problem is I keep imagining him walking across in front of me - it's like a mini drug hit I guess. Then remembering the times I used to actually get to see him and talk to him. It's like a reel going in my head - in a still moment that's what goes around. Perhaps I need to try and fill my still moments up to keep that out? Any ideas?

In terms of feelings - the feeling of accomplishment is important to me. Yesterday, I knew if I texted him it would break my no communication record and it pushed me to the right side of that tightrope I was walking. Today, I desperately want to send him a picture I promised I would before the NC - but it only came through last night so I didn't get to send it in time. To add to that I checked my trash folder and he's emailed me some pics he was going to send before NC. I'm trying to resist the urge, but I'm not confident of success. Never is such a long time - when I did a month NC it was easier - I could say "I'll send it to him in a month" and by the time the month came I didn't care that much anymore. Now it's "well I'm never going to see him again so i better send it now". I feel like my mind is playing games with me.

Louie - yes, the trigger. I'm not sure what it was, except for feeling down. Actually no, I think feeling down lowered my defences, missing him was the emotion I was trying to offset - but I don't know what triggered all that. I wonder if I was feeling alone - H stayed at his parents last night. Perhaps looking down the barrel of a night on my own made me lonelier?
Yes I agree that I'm an addict!
What was I feeling about myself. Hmm tough one. Ok, I don't really know the answer so I'm just going to write down all the words that come into my head - I don't know if all of them will be true or just my mind playing with stuff
abandoned
unloved
unconnected to anybody
longing
down
'stuff the world im not listening'
unimportant

ok.... what do i do about that? apart from the fact that next time it happens i think i will focus on those feelings at the time and see if i can get more clarity

Lost, Sandy - thanks guys

So.... on a cheerier note. Well, maybe not cheerier - but different anyway. I never did get to explain why I named this thread this way.

At the time, everything was going on in my life all at once, like a big avalanche - hence 'it never rains but it pours'. And it's been pouring rain for the last 4 days - throughout my NC - hmm a sign?!

Firstly, May was my mum's month. Her birthday, mothers day, and the 1 year anniversary of her passing. So I was expecting horribleness. I started off the month by getting bacterial tonsilitis which was just fun fun fun.
Secondly, I was in a musical. This took up every spare second and was frustrating and overwhelming. I don't know why I didn't enjoy it more - the idea was to do something I got joy out of. Possibly because I was so TIRED (see point 4). And the rehearsals were very inefficient, therefore frustrating. And the show was very behind, hence they kept calling extra rehearsals. Add to that the fact that I was sick (see point 1). And I guess my part wasn't the sort of singing I enjoy doing. I was supposed to be Ethel Merman! And what training I have is classical - not compatible at all. I enjoyed the challenge - I did a lot of work figuring out how to sound like her, and apparently carried it off. But it was weird - I didn't enjoy rehearsals, and I thought that's ok, I'll enjoy the show. But I didn't really enjoy the shows either. The last show was on Saturday, and I'm SO RELIEVED it's over. Now I can REST. And fix up the damage I've done to my voice!
Thirdly of course is dealing with the OM thing. Might seem like a silly time to have timed this, but it was related to point 1 I guess. I felt there was some.... well not justification.... but explanation.... for screwing up my life for a year after what happened. But I needed to cut loose and move on finally. I didn't want to be caught up long term in mess from a period of grieving. Or more accurately - doing whatever it took to avoid grieving. I really needed to start a clean year, sort out and deal with my issues.
Fourthly - probably biggest of all - I guess I haven't mentioned it yet because a) I'm really struggling with my fog and it covers everything right now, and b) I'm still processing this and having mixed feelings - in late May I found out I'm pregnant. Lawdy lawdy. Well that explained why I was tired and sick - and possibly why I was hence unable to enjoy the musical. I had a reason for feeling so worn out. And I guess I have a reason for being more emotional now than normally. I don't know if it's exacerbating my emotions, but I certainly cry at the drop of a hat now. Not even a nice hat - any hat will do.

I suppose the logical question to ask is - how did this happen. It's not quite as I'd planned to time it. I'd been planning to sort out the OM thing by March/April (ok also Dec, Jan, Feb...!). So when hubby suggested we start 'trying' in March, in the understanding that these things take time, maybe 6 months to a year, and we wondered if we were still 'functional' given the strange 100% success rate of our contraception method thus far, so in 6 months we could go get ourselves checked if nothing was happening, etc. etc. So I agreed. It seemed like good timing - a couple of months to get over OM before I became hormonal - a couple of months to work up to the idea of telling H, a little bit of recovery period where he decides whether to stay with me or not, etc. etc. I didn't seriously consider the option it could happen sooner! And when I hadn't split with OM in the required time, I couldn't think of a reason to ask hubby to postpone trying. Plus it didn't feel right to postpone our life plans together - his life plans - because of OM. We were pretty half hearted about it - a lot of time we chickened out of making it 'possible' because the sense of responsibility killed the romantic vibe! I mean in March there was only one possible occasion it could happen, April maybe 2-3. I didn't even upgrade my health insurance to include pregnancy, it just seemed so unlikely. And then May - missed my period. Started worrying after a week - and did the test. KABOOM.

So it's been a bloomin' huge month.
It's only a few weeks in, so from what I hear it could still fall out, so I'm trying not to get too attached yet. We'll see.

There's so much about this that confuses and troubles me.
Firstly, I've always been afraid of the whole process, for one thing. Petrified. And now it's in there, chances are whatever happens I'm in for a world of pain! I'm very bad with pain. Euw.
Secondly, this is too soon. I wanted to be sorted out before this happened. I didn't want to be dealing with hormones and withdrawals at the same time. I didn't want to have trapped hubby into something without him knowing all the facts. I'm unsure about that bit - because he's always wanted kids and I think that he'll be glad we did. And maybe telling him would have stopped him wanting to - and he'd have regretted it later. I don't know. There's a chance its for the best. But it's not ideal.
Thirdly, it makes it harder to tell him. I'm very emotional and need a lot of support through this - partly cos i'm scared, partly because I'm alone and having to do this without my mum's support, and partly I guess just that I think pregnancy is hard and you need support, especially first time through. I dont think I can handle the withdrawal of that support - which is what's likely to happen - while I'm pregnant. But I can't imagine it will be easy after either. So I don't know where that leaves me. But I guess I don't know how long it will take to get to the point where I'm ready to tell him anyway, so I think I won't focus on that too much now.
Fourthly - and this is the most horrible and disturbing one - it nags at the back of my mind like a dark cloud. It makes me feel like I'm such an evil horrible person. What if OM and I weren't careful enough? What if we slipped up? WHAT IF IT'S NOT H's. It's in big red neon letters of fear at the back of my head.
I guess I have to stop focusing on that contingency. The chance should be incredibly small. And I don't know if there's anything I can do at this stage anyway. I looked into prenatal paternity testing, and it's so costly and major a procedure it would be impossible to conceal - and carries some risk to the baby. And the crucial bit is - if the result were bad, I don't know that I could stand to do the next step. So where am I left now? With a nagging fear that on The Day, in 8 months time, my life as I know it will be destroyed. I will have pain, a baby, and no husband, be hated by everybody I know and draw support from, be financially strapped and emotionally wrecked. I will leave the ranks of the fairly lucky fairly middle class fairly normal and join the ranks of the desperate and struggling. I will be truly alone. It fills me with panic if I let it. I'm clinging to the shred of how unlikely it is. I don't really know how to deal with this fear.

Oh, mags, honey .... wow.

Ok then.

Why don't you email me?

P

I'm glad that you shared your happy news with us, mags!

Compassion and self-care for two! (Or is it too soon to make funnies about eating for two, etc?)

Mags..

Deep breath in Honey. Deep breath.

Like Penny said. Wow.

But, things happen for a reason Sweets. Trust me on that. There is a purpose here. A reason.

This may end up being a blessing in disguise for you.

Jeepers, mags. You remind me of my own situation, just about six years ago.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!! A pregnancy is always, always, always a blessing and a miracle, even when they scare us to death and the timing is all wrong.

Please do call Penny. You've got more than a few months, but that time's going to go very, very quickly. And the stress of having a child is a Big Huge Freaking Deal. (I'm guessing you already knew that!)

Hey Mags,

Congrats hunnie...

Call Penny.. We'll help you sort things out as best we can..

Loui

Oh Mags wow that is some news!

Congrats!!! I totally agree, everything is for a reason even though we sometimes dont see it.

And yes having a baby is a big thing but as for the pg and birth and pain and all...ummm people do do this more than once ya know...so its not that bad

Wishing you all the best!!!

NOOOOO!
I posted a response and lost it! Crapola.
Let's try again.

Penny, I've just emailed you.
LovingB, Spidey, JustJ, Louie - thanks!

Sandy, Lost - I sometimes think that's true, about everything happening for a reason. In this case, one that springs to mind is - although I had decided on NC, and communicated this to OM, I get the feeling that he had not really absorbed it. I think in his head he thought it would be ok for us to be in touch until the stage I wanted to start a family - and then he would graciously bow out of my life. I think he would keep to whatever I asked - BUT I think he finally absorbed it when he heard about this. So maybe it was the push we both needed - we planned to split on that dat anyway, and this put the nail in the coffin.
Also, there's something about discovering this in my mum's month that feels significant. I mean I guess conception would have been the month before. But still. Something about that occasionally give me the feeling that - things will be ok. And also the feeling that she's somehow connected to me through this. I could be way off, of course.

Lost - no no no - I am WAAAAY worse with pain than normal people! I've been told this a lot! A nurse once told me "you have the lowest pain threshold - I don't know HOW you're going to have children". You know when they talk about guys being sooky when they are sick? That's me. I can't handle physical discomfort. (yeah ok maybe not so hot on mental either, but I think it's in a more normal range). In all my exercise classes I'm REKNOWNED for my inability to take pain/discomfort. So it's going to be quite something. THEN add to that that I have a phobia of needles! Every friggin form of test, pain relief, etc. seems to involve NEEDLES. WAAAAAAH!
Boy I'm so not cut out for this - why wasn't I born a male!

But all said and done I am excited in an odd way. Not in the "this is great and I cant' wait" way - more in the leaving home or going to uni or first day of school way - TOTALLY PETRIFIED but sort of curious about this new phase of life...
Thing is that unlike most other big scary events - this one is so irreversible!


Well the one certainty is - interesting times ahead!

Oh Mags you crack me up!!! I am glad your seeing things in a better sort of light...it helps to have a positive outlook on things.

As for your Mom, I can sooooo relate!! I lost my mom in 2004. I was 29. It was the single most horrible thing ever (well until recently) My mom and I were the very best of friends and I would honestly cut off body parts to have her back if even for just 1 day. She was only 60. I have drawn ALL of my positive focus from my mothers strength. Dont get me wrong my mom was not without faults she wasnt mother theresa or anything but in my eyes none of those faults existed. If your mom was a positive focus in your life and gave you strength may I suggest that you draw on that strength when you feel like you dont have any of your own?? I always imagine my mom is standing next to me holding me up when I feel I can no longer stand on my own. I have a pic of my mom and I on my bedside and I look at her when I got to bed and when I wake up.

As for pain, well we are polar opposites I actually have a HUGE threshold for pain. Its weird but I guess living with a chronic illness that involves pain has heightened my threshold since most days I cannot do anything about it anyway.

I do have to say though, I had 2 of my (bigger than your average newborn) children au natural...no pain meds no nothing nad zip zilch. After 30 hours of screaming active labor with baby number 3 I had a choice epidural (spinal) or a c-section because they had to relax my uterus for this ginormous child (sonogram showed him as 10 pounds 2 ounces that day) to move down I was terrified and went with the epidural...man why oh WHY had I not done that with the other 2!!!! Shortly after here came mommys lil man 6 weeks early, just shy of 9 pounds. Believe me if I had it do do over again I would SERIOUSLY consider my pain management options...LOLOLOLOL

You will be fine and you will do GREAT!!! I understand your cautiously nervous happiness, but this is a wonderful beautiful experience. You CAN do this!! Or alternativly you could return to cavemen times and get hit in the head with a rock and be knocked out for it j/k

Have you signed up for any pg support groups? You would be surprised to find you are not the only one feeling kinda scared. I had one that I went with from conception till today. We are still friends and hang out at each others houses once a year and we come from all over the country. I was actually online with them as they waited patiently while I took my home test...it was exciting.

Best wishes to a healthy happy 9!!

Well the bad news is that I bombed out. Failed. I communicated with him.
It's funny, I was thinking that I'm not sure I'd have posted my thread about starting NC if I'd known I'd do so badly at it! It's embarassing.
But I also realised that that's part of why it's important. If I can just keep posting then at least embarassment/peer pressure points me in the right direction. Without that there's nothing.
I mentioned in an earlier post that he emailed - sent some pics he'd promised. There were some I'd promised as well, and I just felt like they were burning a hole in my pocket (or email!) till I sent them. So eventually I did. I also told him how I'd stalked him in the carpark! Ha. Anyway. There were a few emails, and now they are stopped again.
I realised that writing here really does help. Namely in that, in one of his mails, he said, if it was ok with me, that he would write every two weeks to find out how the baby thing was going. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to say yes to that. SO MUCH. It sounds so innocent, so doable. I'd probably have made it once a month, and limited it to one email and one reply so we didn't enter an ongoing communication.... but under those constraints I was quite able to convince myself that it wouldn't blow out to anything more. We'd get to maintain some sort of friendship, while not doing anything untoward or seeing eachother. The only things that stopped me were.... 20% the knowledge that while that might stop any escalation of mischeif, it still wouldn't get him out of my head. Or it would make it slower. Easier to cope with the loss, but either much slower or not doable at all. 80% was the knowledge of what you guys would all say if I did that! "HOW could I POSSIBLY explain this to the board....!". I even told him that. So although I felt like it was tearing my heart out to do it, I had to say no. It was hard to not think of all the times I so desperately wanted him to be interested in me, communicate with me, etc. instead of always leaving it to me. And yet now he was finally doing the asking - I was throwing it all away and saying no. So on this occasion you guys have embarassed me into good behaviour!
(sigh)
Well I'm not feeling too bad at the moment. Probably because I got my drug hit. I will wait for the fall tomorrow.

quote:

So on this occasion you guys have embarassed me into good behaviour!

Good Morning Mags!
Congats on the Baby!!!!
babies are so wonderful!!
I am sure you and your husband will have a great time being parents, hard as it will be from time to time
it is one of life's little miracles that can add so much to our lives.

You are one smart and brave lady, yah know that mags?
Those possible once every two weeks check in emails could very well have been the kiss of..... ooo perish the thought. Scary

I am so glad you have found SYMC to be a safe place as well as helpful for you. A safe haven from the storms of life.

You are doing a great job, Momma Mags
Hang in there

hugs to you and your lovely family

Hypatia

Lost - the caveman option sounds GREAT - know where I can get that??? I would be RIGHT on that epidural - I have no romantic notions about au naturale when it comes to pain - if not for the thought of a whopping great needle in my back! It's the stuff of nightmares for me - then again maybe being in AGONY will be just the thing to cure my phobia - it'll be interesting to see which out of pain and phobia win out! Interesting for spectators anyway..... not so much for me....! Hehe - hope mine aren't biguns like yours! I always said I'd love to have twins or triplets - two for the price of one labour AND i hear they tend to come out a bit earlier so they are smaller - sounds like win win to me!
I'm sorry I didn't know you were ill. I've wondered how I would cope if I had chronic pain - not well I suspect.
Yes, my mum was very strong. I will try to think of that. She was a big sook too - but when it came to the crunch she was tougher than a soldier.

Hadn't thought of support groups. I wonder where I find them. I've been so frustrated - because we weren't planning so seriously I didn't upgrade my health cover so I have to go public - and the damned hospital won't see me till I'm 14 weeks. FOURTEEN WEEKS!!!! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TILL THEN - MAKE STUFF UP? The internet has been my main source of education. But I have 2 pregnant sister in laws (yes, my husbands family has apparently just gone into mass production) who are going to give me some books and stuff. I feel so lost, seems like there's so much to know. I might check out whether there are some - that'd be cool.