dont know the rules about posting outside links here but there is babycenter.com

you can join a group with people who are exactly as pregnant as you.

hmmmmm books...I should look around see what I still have.

ok I went hunting through my old links and found it...looked for the newer boards and here it is...just pick your month ang go from there...

pg support forum

quote:

In all my exercise classes I'm REKNOWNED for my inability to take pain/discomfort.

Added to:

quote:

Boy I'm so not cut out for this - why wasn't I born a male!

Equals:

What it all boils down to in the end is one wonderful word

EPIDURAL

And what a beautiful word that is Sandy!!

quote:

Boy I'm so not cut out for this - why wasn't I born a male!

Hey! Is that dissing the male gender? I resemble that remark.

quote:

Hey! Is that dissing the male gender?

No - ENVYING them!
Hehe - if I could create kids with only the relatively pleasurable form of input males have - woohoo! I remember as a kid thinking with all the advances in science, they'll have this ALL sorted out by the time I get there! GRRRR


Sandy, Lost - when the normal person hear's epidural, they probably hear "pain relief". I hear "BIIIIIIIIIIG NEEDLE"...... - argh!

Thanks for the links lost! I didn't realise it was an online thing - perfect!

quote:

Hehe - if I could create kids with only the relatively pleasurable form of input males have - woohoo!

Yeah, they seem to go in alot easier than they come out.

I'm with you, the thought of the needle creeps me out.

quote:

Yeah, they seem to go in alot easier than they come out.

Hahaha - yeah ain't that the truth!
Like a cat climbing a tree but WORSE... can't just call the fire department to get the thing out...!

Sweetheart, by the time they offer up that big needle, you won't give a rats a$$ about the size of it. I proposed marriage to my anesthesiologist..both of them, when my kids were born. One was a man and one was a woman. I loved them both at the particular moment they walked in the room....Neither will you care about who is peeking under the covers while your feet are in stirrups...I remember...oh another intern??? Take a look, I don't care!!! I thought about charging admission.

I am excited for you though. It looks to me as if things are coming into place for you and your H. I know the timing is off, but there is a reason for that Mags. Could be, it's time to focus on the baby and your relationship with your H and this little fella or little lady is going to help make sure you do that. What better incentive to have then protecting this little one? I think fogs will lift once you start experiencing that life inside of you. Nothing is as awesome as feeling that baby move. Knowing your life is about to change, and most times it is for the better. These kids, they are eye opening, awe inspiring experiences. I think you will see your life go in a different direction. You will have your family, and hopefully your AP will mend his family and stop what he is doing to them. Because when kids are involved, it's a whole other ballgame...One of immeasurable hurt.

I hope you continue here through your pregnancy. You have lots of "MOMS" to help guide you. (and even a granny here..a very YOUNG granny ) And like Lost said, yes, it hurts, but if it were that bad, we wouldn't ever want to do it again. I have DS25 and I did it again and got DD7 and desperately wanted to do it one more time, but that wasn't in the cards...and I guess it's a good thing given what has happened here at home.

Is it socialized medicine there such as in England? Is that why all the stuff with going public to hospital? My BF lives in England and I know that it's been a change for her, being from the US and used to insurance and no socialized medicine. Or is it both in Australia?

Whatever will happen, I know that little Aussie will have lots of "godmothers" and yes, 1NG.."godfathers" as well here in the States...

We are standing here, right behind you Mags..

and btw..I am the biggest needle chicken in the world...without a doubt

Ditto, Ditto and Double Ditto every single thing Sandy said...(BTW Young Grammy here too )

We are standing here right with you every step of the way!!!



Hmm I think we need a pg smilie ......

Not going so well right now. Managed no contact today, which I was proud of. But H decided to go out with his friends after work and would be home after dinner, so I knew I'd be home alone for the evening. This seems to be a trigger. Started wondering about what OM was doing and was tempted to see if he was still at work - yep, drive past the carpark again. I realised that one of the things about it is that it sounds so easy. Drive past the car park - then your mind is at rest. So I used last time's experience to talk myself out of it. Drive past - and what if he's not there. Wonder if he's out having fun somewhere? With who? Or home with his family? Or what if he is there - wonder what to do next? Be tempted to wait and see if he comes home? But if he's out for dinner - it is Friday - he'll never come? Then get depressed? What? So that way I managed to convince myself that going home and reading, surfing the web, etc was such a more pleasant easy option than starting that whole train of thought. Turned on the radio and 'here comes the sun' was playing - that's a good song for new beginnings. So I managed not to drive past the carpark.

Messaged my best friend to get online when I got home - turns out she's sunbaking in Nice! Ha. She replied to my sms - and I literally reached for the phone thinking "hey, I no longer hear an sms and think it's OM! Or get disappointed if it's not!" And then I looked at the screen and it was.... OM. And my friend actually - they messaged simoultaneously. He was just wishing me a nice weekend.
So that was the next temptation hurdle. I would hate to be ignored, so I don't like to do that to him. How much harm could it be - just once - and with no endearments - just to say "u2". It's pretty brief...
But no - I realised that's like permission to send me happy weekend sms's. To set up a pattern of doing that. And that's not on. I'm supposed to be stopping those patterns. So I managed to not reply and put the phone away.

Phone rings - it's H's friends who are out with him and he's telling them he has to go home. They are asking permission for him to stay out. He said he'd be home by 9 - he'd have to leave now for that. WTF do they want me to say??? I was feeling pretty crappy about being put on the spot like that and being made to feel like some kind of killjoy if I said "no he promised to come home so he must come home" so I said "let him do whatever, I'll be asleep by the time he gets here anyway". So they thanked me and now he's staying out. I've been so tired today that I just rushed straight home to go to bed and lie down. It's friday night but I didn't have the energy to chase down any friends. But I hate being alone on Friday night. And not only has he left me alone, but now he's going to have a big night out and I'll be alone all night.

So that was the last straw. I'm really upset now. I feel unloved, abandoned, uncared for. He promised he'd come home but he doesn't want to, doesn't give a s**t that I'm here, pregnant, tired, alone, on a Friday night. I can't stop crying - it comes so easily these days. WTF am I doing going through all this to be with someone who doesn't give a s**t about me. Somewhere logical inside I know this must be an overreaction but emotionally it feels spot on. He's always like this. He always say's he'll be home and then gets carried away and stays out. Normally I counteract it by going out with my own friends or going to see my dad - I know I'll be grumpy if I'm home alone on a friday night and he's late - so I go out as well and then we're fine. But I'm PREGNANT now and I'm so TIRED! I just want to be home! It's OUR **** baby how come it becomes MY problem and I'M the only one who has to bear all the inconvenience while he does whatever the f he wants to do!

I feel so alone. I'm not sure how I'm going to go for the rest of this evening at not responding to that text from OM. My resolve is so low now. It feels like... there's somebody who cares about me and thinks about me and wants to be around me - and here's someone who would only come home if he couldnt get permission to stay out longer with his friends like he wanted to. Who doesn't care that I'm alone. Who doesn't want to spend the evening with me even though we have so little time together lately. Who would only come home because he's scared of me not because he wants to be with me. Sure OM may only want me because of the drug hit - but that still seems better than not wanting me at all.

I really feel like crap.

oooo sweety

the ALONE thing can be so hard
and
i do hear you

I used to get so very lonely
to the point of tears and desperation
I feared being alone

I got to a point where i KNEW i had to turn that one around or i would drive myself and those around me insane
so
I forced myself to learn to embrace, cherish, look forward to my alone time
cause after a KAH-RAZY day of life and kids now,
alone time ain't so bad
now
i cherish the absolute NOTHING of the evenings and weekends

but
that is me

first of all
you could say to your husband
"I do not enjoy/feel comfortable/know what to do with myself when i am home alone in the evenings/over the weekends/holidays"
or
and you can say exactly what you said here
"I feel unloved, abandoned, uncared for when a person says they will be here with me and they do not"

neither statement blames
each is all about you and how you feel/what you want/need

or you can say
"Dearest husband, I would like to spend evenings and weekends with you, and realize you would like to go out. What can WE do to help this work for both of us?"

that would be stating YOUR wants and needs, acknowledging his, and asking for resolution based on team effort.
still
no blame



Mags
I have to cut this short
time to get MY day going
Xman has a school day and I NEED to have plenty of coffee in me and a shower before he wakes to a brand new day

love to you and your family

Hypatia

quote:

He promised he'd come home but he doesn't want to, doesn't give a s**t that I'm here, pregnant, tired, alone, on a Friday night. I can't stop crying - it comes so easily these days. WTF am I doing going through all this to be with someone who doesn't give a s**t about me. Somewhere logical inside I know this must be an overreaction but emotionally it feels spot on

Now...just slow down here...TRUST ME...some of this is hormonal stuff. Pregnancy makes you cry..alot during the first few months. It makes you sleepy as well. Coupled with the NC...this is very hard on you sweets.

Now is the time to tell your husband how you feel about him being out and that you really, really need him right now. Sometimes these first time dads...well they don't understand. How could they? They don't know what your body goes through....so calm down. Take a deep breath.

You have so much going on sweets...so much, it's understandable that this is going to hit you hard right now. Focus on what the future holds. Buy some baby books, start looking online at baby sites. This might take your mind off of OM as well.

quote:

I feel unloved, abandoned, uncared for

ALl of us here have felt that...some still do at times..(uh that would be me) but when it gets really hard for me, I try to put my focus elsewhere.

quote:

WTF do they want me to say???

I don't know what they want you to say. I'm wondering though why you would make what they think (or, more accurately, what you think they would think...) more important than being honest and congruent with what is important to you and your marriage?

You cannot fault your H for not "being there" for you when you are passive (or worse yet passive aggressive) in how you interact with him.

This is what I was getting at on LM's thread when I posted about values, boundaries, and consequences.



Oh .. and yes ... pregnancy, especially in the early months, can feel as if you are walking neck deep in water I remember being so tired I couldn't see. For most women it gets better after 12 weeks.

P

Mags..

expect that your emotions are going to be a wee bit like a seesaw.

Also.. if you didn't want to be alone.. you could have come right out and say it. Waiting for your H to have "wanted" to or more to the point doing what YOU think he should is an unfair hole to place him in.

He does not understand or realize your emotional state because he has not been given all the information in order to be.

As for being pregnant and all.. since this was something neither of you planned for you will have to tell him what you want done differently now. You have to explain to him you will be a little more emotional and his help when you're feeling that way would be greatly appreciated.

Mags.. right now I think it is incredibily important for you to have a friend you can IM or call when you feel the itch to talk to OM.

Just think for a moment the utter mess you would place yourself in if you do resume contact. Not just with your Marriage and your husband, but with yourself and the new baby who will be depending on you.

Call someone.. get online here.. something...okay?

oh and pain.. I have a very high threshhold.. but even so, the first child I had..well lets just say the birth was not your run of the mill kind. Lots of complications to her and to me. Excrutiating back pain, with no time or safety for epidurals... even thru the 2 wk recovery.. I still wouldnt' trade it for anything. And the memory of pain disappates when you hold that little bundle in your arms the first time... and over time enough it faded so that I had 2 more.. and I guess this time around the angels had pity on me. Both were less than 4 hrs labor total, perfectly normal births...

You'll be fine.. you'll see..

Oh and about dignity and propriety... I lost any and all vestiges of that by the time that first baby was born...people in, people out..Drs, nurses, orderlies.. heck for all I know the guy next door! Might as well been in the front window of Bloomingdales for all the privacy in that situation...

Loui

Thanks folks.
Feeling a bit better today. Hubby and I talked about it. I guess part of the problem is that I don't really know what I need - I don't know when I'll be feeling moody, I don't know when I'll need him around. I used to be totally fine being alone - he has worked interstate and overseas at times and I've adjusted although it takes it's toll on the relationship.
I guess I can at least tell him with certainty that friday nights are not nice to be alone, and also that if he's made a time to come home then missing that time is not considerate. The problem is that fridays used to be our going out with friends nights, and it's not like he goes out so often that I'd think it fair to ask him to stop that. I guess we'll just have to work through it as we go.
Sandy - yeah looking up baby stuff might help me refocus. Then again last time I did that we fought because I kept showing him stuff and he wasn't that interested - and that just made me feel all alone in this again because it was being treated like 'my' thing not 'our' thing! Oh well I guess there's lots of adjusting to do.
Penny, Louie - don't worry I'm the last person who can be accused of being passive. My inability to hold back from making it clearly known when I'm unhappy with something is more of a problem actually. What I actually replied to his friend was "so what you're asking me is... can my husband, who promised to be home at 9, now break that promise and have permission from me to do so? Why would I do that?" They knew where I stood. But then I realised that from that point, him coming home wouldn't help. I knew he wanted to be there - I could have asked him to come home - but if he had I'd have still known he'd rather be there. So I told him to stay there. I didn't hide how ****** off at him I was, he knew full well, but I knew if he came home at that point I'd blow him up. And because he'd be grumpy at having his night cut short, he'd be a lot less open. And I'd feel guilty for having cut his night short, and that would probably come out as some sort of an attack too. The damage was done once I knew he didn't want to come home - after that it was a matter of damage control and telling him to come straight home wasn't going to make it better because I wouldn't have cooled down yet, and would probably have killed him.
Writing here did make me feel better though last night. Thanks guys.
As for OM - dunno what happened but at 10 something my phone started ringing and it was him - I got a shock as he never calls so I thought it must be something extreme - I was too late to pick it up (yes I know I shouldn't have even thought of picking it up - but with the unusualness of it plus the state I was in it seemed like a lifeline was being thrown to me). I tried calling back but he didn't pick up. But then an sms came through apologising profusely as he'd dialled by accident - must've sat on his phone or something. I was so heartbroken. For that second I thought he wanted desperately to talk to me or something - and he'd just sat on his phone. I felt doubly abandoned and miserable.
Anyway, whaddya do. Today has been ok, and there has been no contact. I'll try and build on that.

2 experiences of note this weekend:

1) Watched a movie which reminded me of my potential situation with OM if things go wrong - the guy was married but obsessed with another girl and convinced he loved her - she got pregnant to him - difference being she was single but I probably will be too if the baby turns out not to be H's. For ages in the movie just wondering what the guy would do - give up his cushy life with his W for a life of struggle with the OW or not - haha so I was projecting my own experience onto this as this is something that I've wondered about my OM - what REALLY would he do if the baby were his - what would all his protestations of love be worth when it came down to it.....

WELL talk about rather a cruel barb - in this story the WS decided he couldn't give up his cushy life and because OW was threatening to tell his wife - he murdered the pregnant OW!
OUCH. HOW ROMANTIC. Gawd - NOT the sort of story I want to be associating my own scenario with! Haha. Actually I thought it was a bit of a silly plot twist but it does bring home the point - what people say - and even what they think they feel - can have very little connection with how they would actually behave when it came to the crunch.
(sigh) Maybe not the best choice of movie!

2) Spoke to a guy on the phones coming out of alcohol and sex addiction - he was describing the epiphany he had where when he was so far into the addiction his behaviour felt normal, and now that he's coming out he is so filled with shame, fear of discovery, etc. He talked about how there is NOBODY in his life who he is honest with - nobody who knows the real him - lying and hiding became so much a way of life that now he can't cope with seeing a counsellor face to face, or even calling us from his house - he uses a payphone. He felt such a disconnect from his world and people around him. He said - because nobody found out, it felt like he was getting away with it. But actually all it meant was that he was paying the price internally - forming and living a way of life that was so opposite to what he believed. He was abused as a child so there was a lot to escape from. But he's paid with most of his adult life for the fact that he ran and took the easy route to deal with that pain rather than facing it - and he's facing it now PLUS all the baggage he acquired while trying to run from it. He was so self aware, and everything he said sounded like an exaggerated example of what I've been doing. It was very very thought provoking and revealing. I need to get out of this pattern of deception I slipped into. I'm so glad I'm on my journey out, even if I'm only at the start.

On the plus side, where I go to be on the phones is right near OM's house. It was so tempting to do a driveby. And I didn't. No contact today. Yay!

I wonder if I should start keeping a tally or whether it would just keep my mind on it. Episodes of temptation resisted. Days I'm not even tempted. Triggers. What do you think?

quote:

that if he's made a time to come home then missing that time is not considerate.

Mmmmmm...... could we make it about what you would like and need instead of a judgment about him? "It's really important to me if you are here when you've planned to be," is a compassionate and authentic statement. It's also much less likely to trigger a high level of defensiveness.

quote:

So I told him to stay there. I didn't hide how ****** off at him I was, he knew full well,

Errrrr ...... that *is* passive aggressive! You can be p/a and loud about it at the same time.

quote:

The damage was done once I knew he didn't want to come home -

Is the damage that he wanted to do something different -- or -- is it that you internalized his wanting to hang with his friends and made it about you? ("If he really loved and cared about me he would want to be with me....")

quote:

As for OM - dunno what happened but at 10 something my phone started ringing and it was him ...



Today has been ok, and there has been no contact.

Soooooo .... how is a ringing phone with his number not contact??? How about we block his number so that can't happen?

quote:

Spoke to a guy on the phones coming out of alcohol and sex addiction

What a fascinating insight! How do you know this person?

quote:

I wonder if I should start keeping a tally

Great question! How could we do this so it would be helpful and positive? Hum.hum.hum. ...... I think there's potential here!

Back to the issue of Friday night and the bigger picture of wants and needs in marriage and how to sort it all out ..... come on over and play on my Values threads..... I think you'll find it fun and helpful.



P

...... btw ...... I am so glad you're putting this journey out here on the public spaces. Very courageous of you.