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but maybe I need to fix myself first.

my, my... imagine that? Now where have I heard that piece of advice before..

So... whats holding you back from starting the book?

Loui

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My husband's a virgo.

Hey, I am too...

Mags, I wish I could offer you some sound advice. I spent the first three years of Gracie's life with very little other human contact, other then my family and that was when I packed her up and drove 2 1/2 hours to get there. Here at home it was just me and her, until WS was home on the weekends. It was so hard, sometimes I would just wish for someone to talk to.

Good things came out of it I suppose. DD8 and I are very, very close. And looking back on it, I wouldn't trade that for anything

No matter what anyone says, babies are not easy. It's always something and once that's over, teething, crawling, walking, bumps on the head etc, then it's the terrible twos and the even worse three's but all through it, your love for this baby and hers for you will deepen.

Are you planning on going back to work or are you going to stay at home?

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So... whats holding you back from starting the book?

Good question. Possibly what's holding me back from starting to eat healthily, do my leg exercises, and do my RN exercises.... a combination of lack of time and bad self discipline. I haven't really adjusted to this whole unpredictability and small-bitesize-chunks-of-time-to-myself thing that is babyminding. Technically I have a fair bit of time to myself in the day - Every 3 hours I get 40 mins when she sleeps and 40 mins after feeding when she's in a good mood and doesn't need to be entertained. Occasionally I get a 3 hour stretch when she has a long sleep, only I never know when it's coming. So I get lots of time - but only in small chunks, or when I don't know it's coming. So I've been having a lot of trouble focusing on anything because it seems like as soon as I get my concentration, it's time to pop off and entertain her again. So I end up doing waste-of-time stuff that is quick and easy, like surfing the net. Additionally, probably because I feel a bit alone, I spend more time on facebook, msn, and whatever other ways there are of having contact with people while at home.
Thing is all this is largely a self-discipline issue. I'm sure if I was studying for an exam or something, like some of my mums group friends are, I'd manage to fit study into this time, because I'd have no choice. But without that external deadline, I'm pathetic. My aikido teacher can't understand me - he's one of those terribly disciplined people. He's campaigning for me to go walking every day. I said ok I'll put it on my good intentions list. He doesn't always get tongue in cheek humour so he said don't put it on my list just go out and do it tomorrow. And I fully intend to. As I intend to do all the other stuff on that list. And then I don't do it...

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Hey, I am too...

I know That's why I said that about the virgo retrograde thing - it was from that email you sent!

I'm hoping to go back to work 2 days a week from August, if my work says ok. I'm quite looking forward to this - the people contact will be good - and the mental distraction - as will the income! - but it should still leave plenty of baby time. I hope my work agrees to it.

I know it can tough to clear the crap out of my head so I can do things for me. I usually try to set a goal of some sort - reading a book by such and such date, whatever. I set aside a specific amount of time every day (and a realistic amount - even if it is only 10 minutes), every other day - whatever, to devote to it, preferably the same time. There are days where there are so many distractions it is the last thing I want to do, but on days like that just going through the motions can be enough to keep the discipline alive for the better days.

I hope your work situation works out.

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Possibly what's holding me back from ...

You were having exactly this same problem before the baby was born. Then, you wanted us to believe that it was because you didn't yet have a camcorder to tape the baby's birth.

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But without that external deadline, I'm pathetic.

I'm glad you know that about yourself. I'm like that too. So I schedule meetings and do other things that require me to get done what I know I'm supposed to get done. It's all about creating the environment -you- need to be at your most effective. You get to design it, and then implement it. So -- whatcha gonna design first?

Just went back and read through what the last week's been like for you. Sounds pretty rotten!!! I don't have any particular advice for you, except that it -does- get better and that you're still very close to the beginning of a long and incredibly difficult task (task: raise baby without killing anyone). Don't give up.

Oh, and your husband's reaction to bringing up Friday nights? File under "standard male reaction to perceived accusation of incompetence by female who is important to him." Not any fun, I know, but still entirely normal.

I truly wish I could sit down and have a chat with your husband. I bet he's up to his ears in shame, humiliation, and a vast pool of "I am SO not good enough for this!" Rotten place to be in, and probably he's having a tough time figuring out how to get through it to be a vaguely normal human with you.

Oh, and honestly, an hour before he brought her back? I bet he thought he was doing something huge. I know it wasn't, you know it wasn't, but HE doesn't know that. I recommend lots of encouragement of him. "Hey hon, thank you so much. I know you worked really hard at that, and I really appreciate it."

But, of course, only if you really -can- appreciate it.

Hey mags!!! Get busy with those thigh exercises, girl, them legs ain't gonna work themselves!!!

mags, after reading your past couple pages, it seems to my rookie-counseling-eye that you and your H are involved in the classic attack-avoid pattern. Pretty common pattern to come out in a M when a stressor is introduced (i.e., a new baby!).

So, I haven't read back many pages, but....what happens, how does your H act or react, when you leave him with K on a Friday night while you go out with your friends that you've made plans with? And have you done it both ways - both told him ahead of time, and sprung it on him at the last moment? Which does he prefer?

Ok. Back from holiday! It was nice - not that there is much distinction between holiday and daily life when you have a bub, except for a change of location - but H's mind was, for a change, not on work and actually WITH us so that was VERY nice. I wish I knew how to make this happen on weekends at home too. It's an expensive way to do have to go on holiday every time!

Ok I want to be productive today. So tasks, in order of priority (to be fitted around baby as and when possible are)

1. Eat some stuff. Cook some stuff. I need to have three meals - preferably healthy - a day becuase bub is not putting on weight and I fear it's due to my own lack of nutrition. I'm already one meal down because it's lunchtime and my breakfast bananas weren't ripe yet. ACK
2. Unpack holiday bags
3. Do some laundry
4. Work on my 'change your thinking' book

Tomorrow I will do some stuff on trying to structure my life without depending on H.

Ok now to old posts

DS yes good point. I need to go back to scheduling 10 mins of meditation a day I think. Can't fix a time, but maybe I can make it "first 10 mins of bubs first afternoon nap" or that sort of thing. I'll start small, with just that.

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You were having exactly this same problem before the baby was born

Nope - then it was true. I have never been busier or more tired than that period when I was working and preparing for baby (well maybe when I was planning my wedding plus working plus studying the hardest module of my CA - but that was some years ago now). Every day I was having too little sleep, rushing around, being exhausted, struggling to eat healthily, trying to find time to work on the birthing relaxation (worth doing), use the weird balloon thing (and yes I'm glad I did), research the stuff I had to buy (and yes I'm glad I got the camcorder, it was only a week before bubs popped out), read the baby books, get some pelvis-friendly exercise, etc. and only just keeping it together. I can still look back on that period and honestly say I had no time to fit in anything else without (further) compromising the rest my body needed in that state.

These days, I have some time. And mostly, I waste it on stuff that doesn't need to be done. As I said, I haven't quite gotten used to the whole unpredictable bite size chunk of time thing. But I need to, because realistically much of my life will be like this from now on. Now it's bad discipline. SOME days it's not - K goes nuts and takes every second. But most days, she lets me get enough sleep, and gives me at least 2 half hours to myself every 3 hours, in which I can do some stuff, if I can discipline myself better. Not sure how to make this happen - I always intend to - and then don't - and one of the best ways that's helped me in the past - i.e. getting into a rhythm/routine - is no longer possible while she's living all ad hoc. I need to find a new way.
I used to do the 'schedule a meeting before I'm ready' thing too, as I knew it was the one foolproof way that I would GET ready before that time.
I'm not sure though, how to apply this at home. I'm not really accountable to anyone. I've tried the false-accountability thing before - like ask H to keep me accountable - but I just don't take it seriously so it doesn't work.
Maybe a reward system. H bought me my FAVOURITE chocolate (ok I requested him to) for mothers day - maybe I need to get him to hide the stash and ration me based on my targets. Ouch. I'm not that willing to hand over control of my chocolate consumption like that. Just talking about it makes me want to go binge. Hmm. But maybe something along these lines?

Yeah it was a rotten week. And this week is shaping up to be another one. H just has no ability to draw boundaries with his work. I was discussing this with his sister and brother in law last night. The thing is it's part of his personality - even when he DIDN'T need the job (and was about to quit), even when we had 2 incomes and no recession, he couldn't draw boundaries. Now we NEED the income and there's a recession - what chance is there. But he's going to miss his little girl growing up if he carries on this way. And his marriage is going to slowly die. He came home at 10pm last night. Under duress. I'm sick of fighting it. I WILL design my own life without him, yes, that is the bit I have control over. But I'm not happy about the way our marriage is heading, and I don't have a lot of hope for it if it keeps going down that path. But that's the bit I don't have control over. Oh well, I'll work on the me bit first.

Owww SPIDEYYYYYY

Ok ok! I'll add my leg exercises to the list above. It's SO not going to happen. They are BORING!
Hmmm, maybe I can do them with bubs on my tummy and they'll entertain her. That would be more fun.

Yep attack-avoid sounds about right, although I haven't heard the theory. What do we do about it?
When I leave him with K alone - he reacts well. Not sure he really looks after her in a way I approve of, but I guess I need to let go of that. Complication is that I can never leave her with him long enough to actually go out with friends, as I can't express and formula makes her cranky. Hoping this will improve in the next few months as she goes on solids and her gut matures. So at the moment it's only short shopping trips he's 'sat' her for.
So I guess this is part of the problem. If he were with her for extended periods he might empathise better. If it was an even likelihood as to which of us gets to go out and which of us gets to babysit, I might feel a bit less used, and he might be a bit more understanding. If he could actually experience me springing such a thing on him at the last minute, he might be more willing to compromise. But while her gut is as her gut is, and she's attached to me by the boob 24 hours a day... I can't see a way to make it happen.

I'm going to ask H to move into the spare room. I'm having enough trouble getting enough sleep and me time without him sabotaging it. K only sleeps at 10pm so I don't get the predictable chunk of time the other mums get from 7pm. My 'me time' is after 10pm, so I sleep late. But K is a late morning sleeper, so we both sleep in. And the plus is that H often gets to see K before she sleeps - he gets home at 8 at the earliest. Sleeps at 10, often before she does, if she's slow settling.
And then theoretically, wakes up at 6 to go to work. In reality - wakes up at 6, rolls around for half an hour, resets the alarm, wakes again, goes to the loo (opening/shutting doors loudly), comes back to see K awake, makes noises at her till i tell him to stop as she needs to sleep, gets up to get ready for work, comes in 3 times to get something and every time comes to kiss K and talk to her even though she's asleep. After the 5th time he's out the door at 8am - after the first 4 times she manages to resettle - but after the last one she can't take it anymore and starts screaming. The end of her sleep, my sleep, and all messed up such that she'll be ready for her next nap exactly when we have to leave the house for mothers group. If she doesn't get to nap then she'll be crabby all day. If I miss mums group I get no social interaction all day.

I'm used to having my schedule screwed up by a little baby who can't help it. I don't need to be additionally burdened by a big baby who can. I'm tired, she's tired, and I have to cope alone with her, crabby, for another 14 hours. All so he could kiss her for 1 second.

I really don't know how to protect myself from his lack of consideration apart from asking him to move into the next room. When I'm sleep deprived, everything else turns to s**t, and my ability to cope with the s**t diminishes. Honestly this morning I just want to hand him the screaming baby and say "Here - YOU cope with the consequences of your actions for a change instead of ME having to". But he has to go to work. Diddums.

I can see this marriage starting to slip away from us. I can't take being married to an irresponsible 5 year old anymore. And it seems I'm the only one who cares whether it does slip away.

He'll be home after we are asleep AGAIN tonight.
I've asked him to move into the spare room and explained why.
So separate lives starts now.

Mags,

One thing WS and I did when G was a baby and he was gone all week, when he would come home, we would load G up in the car and we would just go do things together . Out to eat, to the store, just random road trips to out of the way places. Maybe find antique shops to wonder through.

What it did was to give us time together as a family. Not so much his time vs my time. I would hand G over to him and it would be his turn. And I would let him do it his way.

When you say that H might not take care of Bubs, exactly the way you would approve of, well lets look at that. He is her daddy, he is a new dad (one that I think might have the mindset of I am the bread winner, you raise the kids, which needs to change)but you know he loves her and he would not do anything to let her be hurt. And he needs to learn, just like all of us with kids. There is not set right way or wrong way, it's all trial by error so to speak. At least with the first one.

So hand her over. Even if you are at home on the weekend. Just hand her over to him and say, Darling, It's YOUR turn. Then the three of you go to the park, go out as a family. Come home, let him give her a bath. Let him worry about getting her to sleep. That was always the biggest bonding time with G and her dad and became their ritual (until he left us that is). He would give her a bath and he was the one to read to her and put her to bed on the weekends.

I hate to hear that you are on the road to separate lives. Separate lives suck if you ask me. How did he react to that?

Also, I worry about you. I worry that you will put yourself in a vulnerable position with OM again. A position you don't need to be in. Isn't fair to H or Bubs and isn't fair to OM's family.

Hugs sweetie

Maybe I need to do something like that. Live separate lives during the week and be a couple on the weekend. And see how it goes. Mostly it DOESN'T because his mind is constantly on work. But last weekend it did work, I think because we were away on holiday instead of at home, so he couldn't access a computer even if he wanted to. Maybe I just need to pretend he is away during the week and he can move back into our room on the weekend.
It's such a waste. I'd hoped this new job would buy us more family time, security, and less stress. It's been the opposite. What a joke.

Yeah I'm trying to relax a bit about the way H takes care of her. Drives me NUTS when I leave her with him, hear her start to cry, and come out to find him working on his computer with her under one arm, completely ignoring her cries. He doesn't even seem to register she's upset, comfort her, talk to her, change her position - ANYTHING to make her feel like she's actually cared about instead of nonexistent. And I don't think that's good for a child. It's not even good for an adult - lets face it, it's pretty much the way he treats me too. But anyway I'm trying to relax a bit more with it - I think it's getting closer to the age where she can deal with that as long as it's occasional. And I'm with her all day every weekday showing her that her needs WILL be responded to so hopefully that's enough to make up for his vagueness.

Yep separate lives suck. But expecting to have a husband and being disappointed, again and again, sucks more. Having expectations, and having them constantly dashed, sucks. Planning my life so that he can spend time seeing his daughter and being a father, while he sabotages it, sucks. Trying to hold together a marriage and feeling like you're the only one who gives a **** sucks. Separate lives - well at least I can plan around it. And maybe it'll bring home to me a bit more what it would be like being a single mum. Because I feel like one now. Not financially, but in terms of emotional and practical support and companionship.
He just said ok. What else can he say. It's not like he's willing to come HOME and fix anything.

Yes I'm worried about the OM thing too. I've been in touch with him. It's hard not to when he cares and H doesn't. H doesn't even speak to me all day except for when I call to see when he's coming home, and he fobs me off. He doesn't email, he doesn't reply to emails, he doesn't call, if I call he's distracted or forgets to call me back - yada yada yada. It's like I don't even exist for him.
A side of me knows I have to stop being in touch with OM to give my marriage the best chance of working. Another side of me knows that I can't hold the marriage together on my own anyway. And wants to know why I have to give up my friend, given the person who SHOULD be my best friend just ignores me.
But it would be way too easy to overstep the mark again right now. I'm way too vulnerable. It really bites though to have to give up a source of support when I'm most in need of one. But I need to learn to stand on my own feet.

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H doesn't even speak to me all day except for when I call to see when he's coming home, and he fobs me off. He doesn't email, he doesn't reply to emails, he doesn't call, if I call he's distracted or forgets to call me back

Do you think something else is going on with him?

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Do you think something else is going on with him?

Not really. As I've learned, one can always be wrong on these things, but I don't think so. He's always had issues prioritising what is important to him over external deadlines imposed by others. When he's stressed at work, nothing else, and nobody else, exists.

ahhhhh....if only people could stop and see what's really, really important in life and to realize, it goes oh so quickly. And children grow up so fast and change so much. There is SO much to be missed if we never look outside the box some of us tend to build up around us. For whatever reason.

So..... DH is so bad that you're basically isolating him even more, at the one time he actually has the attention and ability to connect with his baby, because it's inconvenient for your sleep-deprived self.

Meanwhile, you're in contact with the other man, who "cares" about you when your husband doesn't.

Except, of course, that it's your husband who is working himself to death trying to support you and bub. He's failing miserably in the emotional support realm, but then again, if he didn't have to do the financial support, perhaps he, too, would be better at the other things.

Really, mags? Really? Is this what you want? Because from over here on the other side of the world, it looks like a bad trade to me. It really really does.

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basically isolating him even more, at the one time he actually has the attention and ability to connect with his baby

I'm not following... isolating him when? At what time?

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Meanwhile, you're in contact with the other man, who "cares" about you when your husband doesn't.

Yeah I know full well that has to stop. I just resent, I guess, that H can't even spare a thought for us during a busy day. If it was a case of when at work his mind is on work when home his mind is on home, I could probably adjust. But it's not the case. When he's at work we don't exist. When he's home we are annoyances interrupting his thoughts on work. It's not ok.

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Except, of course, that it's your husband who is working himself to death trying to support you and bub

Yes that guilt trip is constantly in my mind. Constantly. Only thing is, he has never been different. When we didn't need the income he was no different. Only it mattered less, because we didn't have a baby.
And for me, this new job was supposed to give us more family time and security. There was no raise involved, so it wasn't financial. It's given us less. I now see that he didn't take the job for those reasons. He was bored with the old one and wanted a change. He fed me the family time line but refused to mention or negotiate this during the interview process, despite my explicitly asking him to. He underquoted his salary because he thought they'd be more likely to give him the job. He took the job despite finding out his old one was actually way more secure than we thought earlier. He agreed to start immediately after finishing his old job despite the fact that he'd never taken the month off that he promised he would to be with me and bubs after she was born.
He is financially supporting me and bub, yes. Some days I feel so indebted to him for that I feel churlish for expecting a husband as well. But his job move was not about us. It was about his boredom. Which is fair enough - but he sold out his family to make that change. And I'm not 100% sure I'm willing to be in an empty marriage for the money. On my own I sure wouldn't be, with bub.... tougher call. All I know at the moment is that I need to separate myself as far as possible from his rubbish.

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looks like a bad trade to me

What trade?

He came home at 3am last night. I didn't actually think he came home at all, till I heard him cough in the next room. I felt terrible that he actually HAD slept in the next room. And I felt unhugged. And he's looking so tired. At least he woke up a bit late and bubs was up and being georgeous so he got a few minutes with her.
This whole thing sucks. Think we need to move to the country or something, where the cost of living is less and the work culture is better. Tough call as all our family support with bubs is here. But this life is just not worth it.

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I felt terrible that he actually HAD slept in the next room

I think this is what JJ means about isolation. You've asked him to stay in the other room.

Babies adapt Mags. They really, really do. As long as they are sleeping through the night, what does it matter if they go to bed at 7 or 10. I'm not sure I follow that whole concept.

Bubs is a little thing, but I know she can sense when her Daddy is around. By sending him off to another room, you are putting all of you in a precarious position. By contacting the other man, you are once again taking away Y's choices.

I know it's hard to cope with a baby, when you are basically doing it by yourself. Been there, done that TWICE now. But this is your child, this is your family. And you must say to Y on the weekends, we need to do things as a family, put your computer away. Go do anything. You'll have plenty of time for a social life later when Bubs is a bit older.

At least you have your Mum's group. I didn't even have that with G when she was a baby, so think twice about moving to the country. You will be even more isolated.

I am very worried that by sending H to another room, you are heading for trouble. Not only with him, but with your ability to let the OM go. It's past time for that I think. He's not a friend, he's not a great guy by continuing to allow you to stay in touch. He's a crutch. He's someone elses father and husband and he's a man who doesn't give squat about how his actions contributed to the hurt that Y had to feel.

Go back and really read what JJ is saying to you. We all know that she typically doesn't mince words and she will hit a chord with you that you won't like sometimes. But in the end, she makes sense.