Today was the second day at the elementary school as student speech language pathologist (SLP). As I sat there watching my host SLP work her magic with the kids I thought about how little she knows about me, how little I know about her.

Then there was a staff meeting which included a video on mandatory reporting of child abuse. Wow, I almost started to cry right there in the meeting as it began...my heart has warmed back up. For the last few years I have basically been unable (or unwilling, not sure which) to cry.

As the video went on, I reflected on the abuse I suffered as a child and I realized there is a scar there that will always be there. It doesn't hurt often anymore but oh, seeing photos of the bruises of real children, listening to the acted out scenarios of a girl telling someone she was sexually abused ...well something bubbled up inside of me. Pain, very old pain I think.

I sat there and realized it is highly unlikely I will ever share with anyone in that room what I have been through - it is simply too much. For a moment I felt sharply alone with my pain. Then it dawned on me that I was alone with this because I have chosen to tell very few about all my stuff. And really overall, it doesn't hurt to not run around emotionally naked.

I shed a couple of silent tears.

What hurt was that someone who was supposed to love and protect me instead chose to intentionally hurt me as a child. He cut deep into my heart and a scar is there.

The video was treated as so rote by most present - like just something they all had to do, sign your name that you watched the darn thing. One teacher was just reading a novel. I don't know. It felt like it was so unimportant to all of them. And yet what an important topic.

And yet, I worked with all of these folks in September and they are for the most part a very caring staff who really want to serve the children.


As the SLP and I walked back to the room, I was somewhat sad because there are so many things in my life I won't likely share with her - not now anyway. I have unfortunately learned the hard way that many don't want to know about the harder things in life, that children are abused, that people have affairs, that people commit suicide...so many painful things.

I got myself back together and got my professional face back on. It just feels so funny to me right now to have these compartments of my life that don't cross over.

Thank you. I just needed a space to process some.

Thanks for posting that Tiggy. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I must say that's one of my worst fears having a bub now. I hear these stories and worry about how to protect her. It made me worried to be having a girl too, even though I know it happens to both. It's one of those things I just find so incomprehensible. It's sad that it was so rote for those people watching. I guess maybe they don't know how lucky they are. Or maybe some of them weren't, and they were protecting themselves. Anyway

Thanks so much for the sweet post Mags!

And I certainly worried about protecting my babes when I was pregnant. I have a feeling your baby is in good hands with such a caring mom.

Good Morning Tiggy

It is so good to see you again.

Hmmm.....

quote:

.....many don't want to know about the harder things in life, that children are abused, that people have affairs, that people commit suicide...so many painful things......

Ignorance
chosen ignorance
is very disturbing to me
as well as sad.

I often wonder if such atrocities are simply too big for some too fathom. That the possibility of something so horrid touching their lives is in their unconscious minds better left ignored and/or dismissed... Maybe they hope such realities are NOT a reality. Maybe there are so desperate to cling to their fearie tale visions of "reality" that they do not dare look out side of their box. For some, the idea of there being separate realities for all people(s) is just too difficult to even look at, so they bury their noses on novels when it is required for them to learn about it for professional reasons.
But
both you and I know
separate realities do exist
and they are not always pretty or easy or comfortable
and sometimes
it IS a better idea not to let other's in to that compartment of our REAL BEING.

i love this quote
and think you might appreciate it

Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words. -

Rainer Maria Rilke

cool, huh?

love to you Tiggy
Hypatia

Hi there Hypatia.

Thank you for such a thoughtful post.

I came to the conclusion when I was going through the incredibly stuff with X that I and my children were painful reminders to them. I suppose I could have pushed through that and worked to the other side but I just couldn't. I chose to let them all go and actually had some unbelievable growth, there all by myself with my children.

I don't always know why people act the way they do and then I wonder if it is really important for me to KNOW why people act the way they do. Sometimes it doesn't matter to me and sometimes it disturbs me at a very core level.

The thing that keeps making me shake my head is these teachers yesterday are all basically good people.

Although there have been a few instances where I sat in meetings about children and was rather shocked at the things that they said about said children behind closed doors.
Just the other day they were discussing this child whose parents are wanting him labled as ADHD. That bothered all of them - why would any parent WANT to have their child labled.

I can certainly answer that as I had to push to get my son correctly labled with high-functioning autism SO he could be helped.

Then they went onto to complain that they couldn't accomodate a meeting for the parents because they both work. The head of the special dept of the district said she never could understand why people can't take off an hour of work. Out of touch? I have had jobs where I simply could not have taken off work without penalty.

I did speak up at that and said that the district has really had to bend over on its head for me to attend meetings because I simply can't miss many of my client obligations in grad school without severe penalty. If I miss more than 3 days this term in this externship, I have to repeat all 11 weeks.

Uhmmmm. I just realized something. I am feeling torn that I feel I am in a position where I CAN'T say anything. I am a natural advocate and feel I am but a shadow in this place. Okay, I can be with this for 11 weeks. There will be a day when I can say and do more. That's just not right now.

quote:

Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words. -

Rainer Maria Rilke

Yes that is a cool quote!!! My whole life people have always assumed all is peachy with me because I am so half-glass-full - even as a child. At times I have felt invisible because I carried so much that I either wouldn't or couldn't share with others.

I remember so many times I tried to tell people that my stepdad was "mean to me" and everyone assumed I was complaining about being rightly punished. My grandma was shocked when it all came out and said "but you always seemed so happy." I told her she saw that because I was happy when I was with her.

Well, I must now go get out of my jammies and go to the job I pay to go to.