I have been dealing with a good friend now for a couple of weeks, whose husband has been cheating on her.

Of course our discussions do open up some old wounds for me.

As I ponder back on things......there is still one question, actually two, that go through my head and for which I think I will never have a clear understanding.

Maybe someone on the flip side, the WS,might be able to answer the question.

What does it mean when you look at the person you have been married to for several years and say to them, I am not happy with YOU. Not that I'm not happy with our marriage, or I'm not happy with the way things are going for us, but I'm not happy with YOU. (This revelation coming after WS having had an affair, and leaving, then coming back for a few months and getting ready to walk out the door once again.) What does that mean? As the BS, it seems to point to me, as there is something very wrong with me. My mind tells me that's a big bunch of fooey, but I kind of hear the same thing coming from my friend's mouth as well in her situation. And you know what? It hurts. Hurts really, really bad to hear someone say that to you. Like it's not a joint issue, or the fact that there was an affair on his part that got us to the place we were, but completely my issue.

Second it, after ten years of marriage and 14 years being together, what does it mean when someone says there is no "spark". I know what it means TECHNICALLY, but to turn to someone and say that who by all accounts, loves you more then anything in the world, what does that mean? What is it like from the WS point of view to say that to their spouse.

First, I am sorry that was said to you.

As a WS I can tell you that there was nothing "wrong" will my H. The A was a result of my weaknesses and needs that I went outside of the marriage to fill. I tried to rationalize in my head that there was something wrong with him but I knew it was all about me. If I had put the effort into the marriage that I did into the A, things may have been different.

The spark you speak of is the emotional high that AP's feel for each other. I find it hard to have those feelings for more than one person at a time (that may be me, though). I know when I was actively involved in the A (and still now, to a degree), I had trouble feeling the spark with my H. I have hopes of getting it back, though. I hope you and your H will as well.

((((((((HUGS)))))))))

I think of you every day Sandy!!!!

Big hugs to you and "G"!!!

Sometimes it really does mean there's something wrong with "you". This is one of the things I talk about in my ebook in the discussion of Intervention Phase. Much of the time it's that statement is simply a reflection of the dynamics of an affair. The WP is romantically attracted to someone else and everyone else (including you) appears lacking. Occasionally, though, the BP has been abusive or severely negligent, or is an addict, or has contributed in some significant way (not the normal marital failings that are part of the package deal) to the destruction of the marriage.

You and I know that's not the case in your M. Even when it is, it's still not an excuse for having an affair. It does mean the dissatisfied partner needs to get clear about his or her values and boundaries, do everything possible within that framework to effect a change in the M, and then make sound ethical choices about what happens next. An affair is not part of that scenario.

**Of course** the spark is gone. Or, more accurately, dimmed. It's **supposed** to be. That's the progression of the mating and pairing drive which is designed to ensure the propagation and well being the human race. If we remained in that ga-ga state of having eyes (and hands and thoughts and time and energy) only for the beloved our children would perish!! Just go spend a weekend morning hanging out at a coffee shop and comparing young lovers to young parents with small children. If the parents behaved the way the lovers do the children would either starve or get run over in the parking lot -- or both.

The idea that you can maintain that passionate, all consuming, driving, need for your partner day in and day out is bunk. You can't. To expect that's what marriage is supposed to be like is a recipe for failure (Liz Taylor, anyone?). OTOH we -can- trick our brains into temporary state of sparkification. How do we do that? The same way it's triggered in the beginnings of relationships (only now we have to do it on purpose): novelty, risk, taboo. As Star said so beautifully "Risky is frisky!"

Novelty triggers a dopamine dump into the brain (that's why it feels good to paint a room, rearrange furniture, buy new clothes, go somewhere new, etc.). Risk and taboo heighten the experience. I tell recovering couples all the time to try new experiences. Assuming all else is in order, nothing will stimulate romantic recovery faster. If there's a dash of risk and taboo involved .. all the better.

This, btw, is part of what makes an affair such a powerful experience. It almost always has all the ingredients of novelty, risk, and taboo.

P

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**Of course** the spark is gone. Or, more accurately, dimmed. It's **supposed** to be.

Yes, this is what I thought. This is what I have felt at times, but it never entered my head to leave him because of it. I worked my way through it. Because my love for him outweighed that "spark"

I just wonder if he really believes that was a "valid" excuse for leaving?

And it also sometimes makes me think that the "excitment and spark" that he felt with AP, was I being compared to that when he came home?

I didn't think so, but now I'm not so sure and oh..that makes me feel so very yucky.

So basically, someone who after ten years of marriage and one affair (that I know of) is going to be in search of this "spark"

Good luck with that I guess.

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I hope you and your H will as well.

Don't think that's gonna happen

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What does it mean when you look at the person you have been married to for several years and say to them, I am not happy with YOU.

You already know, you just don't like the answer. It took me a long time to accept it too, Twinner.

I learned a LOT of good lessons from X in the past several years. I learned that my most important task in my life is to continue holding onto myself, knowing myself well, not lying to myself or refusing to look at what IS. I am responsible and accountable for myself in my life. I know my heart and I know what I want. And I have learned to live a happy life, while holding my grief and loss over my dead marriage tenderly. I am a complex woman who is able to love and grieve and laugh and cry and I am OK (finally) with all of those things ~ even if they happen (several times) in the same day!

Living the dream! ;-)

How's them frogs? Is it safe for me to visit yet? I won't have school in 2 more summers!