Hello, again.

Just stopping in to share my latest. My husband returned from a two day overnight business trip yesterday. He was pleasant and nice. He seemed happy to be home. I was a bit stessed from caring for our children alone and working. He seemed concerned that I was feeling so overwhelmed.

He had a function to attend in the evening and after he returned he made love to me. He was very attentive and loving and gave me a nice back massage. I was very happy to receive such attention.

He also stopped off on the way home and picked up something to drink- my favorite. I was stunned by this thoughtfulness.

Fast forward to this AM. I unpacked his suitcase to do his wash. As I went to put his clothes in the laundry basket, I noticed his underwear were sparkly. They had glitter on the outside of them. Nothing major- just maybe a few flecks here and there. I freaked out imagining him rubbing all over some beglittered lotion covered girlfriend. Then I found a short blonde curly hair on his shirt. I am brunette....

Should I be so upset by this? Am I crazy? I know I should not have looked at all. I always find myself panicked and sick after I read into these types of scenarios.

Should I confront him?
I am shaking and feel as though I'm ready to cry. I just want all of this to end. I want to wake up tomorrow and have a husband that I feel as though I can trust.
I can't stand my life right now. I can feel myself spiraling and I know I won't get things accomplished today.

Reassurances or "Well, are you stupids?" appreciated.

Transparent honesty says you talk to your husband when you're upset. It doesn't have to be about him. It's about you.

"Hon, I'm shaking and scared and I feel really sick right now. I unpacked your suitcase, and there's glitter all over your underwear, and blond hair on your shirt. Will you please tell me what's going on?"

And perhaps next time you should go along on the business trip?

Yeah, you need to confront. And yes, you should be looking. What does not looking get you? Maybe a brief postponement of some hurt, but everntually the fact that he was with someone else is going to manifest itself somewhere in your marriage.

So, you need to tell him what you know, how you know it, and how you feel. Then you need to ask him what he plans to do about it so that this never has a chance to happen again.

Expect denials and lies - probably a good bit of anger and defensiveness and even a "it's none of your business," sort of response. Don't buy the lies, don't engage in an argument, and continue to reiterate that this is completely unacceptable to you..

And then let us know what happens.

P

What if he becomes enraged or upset?
Am I over-reacting?
I can just hear the:
"Here we go again, I WISH I had another option, I wouldn't be here...blah blah blah....."
I mean, Will there be any plausible good explanation for this.

Also- I can't go on business trips with him. We have four children and zero family support.

Perhaps I am obtuse, but are you telling me this probably is exactly what it looks like?
Natalie

Uhm, if you can't go along, then perhaps there shouldn't be any more business trips. Alternatively, the kids could go, too.

Now, don't laugh at me. I remember a Mormon colleague of mine from years ago. They had three little tiny kids (4, 2, and newborn, I think it was). He had to go to a four-week class. Guess what? They ALL went along and stayed in that two-bed hotel room for the whole three weeks. They had a good time, too.

Could it be exactly what you suspect? Yes.

If you get anger and denials, then it's time to take things one step at a time and recognize that as a warning signal in and of itself.

As for his "other option" talk? Don't bother responding. He's EXACTLY where he's chosen to be, no matter what he says about it.

I know I must be crazy....
I am already trying to justify in my mind all possible reasons WHY ELSE this could be...

I think back to when I caught him on the phone with another woman and he started the "Nope, No- Not going to tell you anything" crap and then the "We're just friends" crap and I didn't demand to know who it was that he was talking to and things just ambled along..... I told myself "Well, they probably never did anything together sexually...."

I felt better when he was gone. It was nice to just talk to him once a night and not have these awful feelings. I even slept better at night..Now I am sitting here a quivering shaking mess and I think there must be something wrong with me as I feel most people would have thrown him out a long time ago.
Natalie

Ok...
I confronted my husband and he was (gasp)
NICE! He told me he had no idea how those things were there and that I should not worry.

Back in the good old days he would have ripped my head off...

Is this a good sign or should I proceed with caution?
N

<double post>

quote:

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Originally posted by Natalie:
Ok...
I confronted my husband and he was (gasp)
NICE!

---

Maybe that had something to do with your approach!

When you 'confronted', did you tell him how finding these things made you feel?

I'm curious, what was his explanation for the glitter and hair that you found? There's got to be some explanation.

BTW, like Penny said, you have the right to look. If your H disagrees, you've got to expect he's hiding something, otherwise, why would he risk hurting you?

I'm still a little concerned that something else is going on. You need honesty and communication and accountability. You have the right to demand those things in your marriage. Now, you just don't ask for them in a demanding way! That's the trick.

Please proceed with caution. Continue talking openly and honestly with your H.

Figure out what you need to make sure you don't get these anxious feelings and so that you can trust him again. Work this out in your own mind first.

HoFS

{{{{{{{{Natalie}}}}}}
You are in my heart and prayers, Natalie.

xo
K

Thank you all for your support yesterday.
It turns out I washed my husband's underwear in the same load of clothing I washed my daughter's glittery t shirt in.

I think I was most encouraged by H not over-reacting to my questions. I feel as though he has always went over the edge in the past when there was reason for me to worry.

I suppose it is a long road back to trust.
Natalie

Now that is one of the nicest endings I've seen in a long time. And of course it only highlights my suspicions that doing laundry should be outlawed.

P