Well.. there is something to be said for that...We can talk about that in a few.
but first things first....

How about letting us take a look at the no contact letter you're going to send to OW.. maybe help you with that closure?

Loui

quote:

Originally posted by Volusia guy:
Someone asked me today if it's better for my kids to have a dad 7 days a week who's dead inside and not taking care of himself, or to have a dad only 3 days a week who's happy and alive and taking care of himself.

This sounds like an excuse to have an affair and get divorced.

Why are these the only two choices?

Why not have a dad who does the right thing and gets his act together - cuts off his extramarital affair and seeks counseling for his problems.

...and becomes a great dad 7 days a week.

If you move out, that's one step closer to leaving your family dude.

quote:

This sounds like an excuse to have an affair and get divorced.

Why are these the only two choices?

Why not have a dad who does the right thing and gets his act together - cuts off his extramarital affair and seeks counseling for his problems. ...and becomes a great dad 7 days a week.

No, it is not an excuse to have an affair and get divorced. Even if I stopped talking to OW today forever I'd still be dead inside. Because of the same thing that is half the problem here. I would still have no relationship with my spouse. Maybe I'd be alcohol-free and in better health, but she wouldn't change at all.

quote:

Originally posted by LouiEJ*SYMC:
Well.. there is something to be said for that...We can talk about that in a few.
but first things first....

How about letting us take a look at the no contact letter you're going to send to OW.. maybe help you with that closure?

Loui

Not sure I want to do that. Where are these other no contact letters you referenced? I can't find them.

Hey Volusia Guy..

Here is one I found for you:

No Contact Letter to Former Affair Parter - ending affair

<name>,

The time has come to permanently end the relationship between you and me. In many ways this relationship was thoughtless and cruel.

In betraying my marital vows I was untrue to myself, my values, my family and my spouse. It is also unfair and unkind to you to create a relationship built on causing harm to others.

I have recommitted to my marriage and am determined to make amends for the hurt I've caused and to be the partner my husband/wife deserves.

I am terribly sorry for all the pain I've caused, including to you and those around you. As I said, I was thoughtless and cruel. I hope that you will find healing and peace.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage I am permanently ending all contact with you. I would ask that you respect my wish to regain my ethics and integrity and to heal my family. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has been told all the details of our relationship and s/he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Once again, I am sorry for the pain I've caused to my spouse, my family, and to everyone else who has been affected by our actions.

Sincerely (not love!!)

<name>

Since I know this is something you are doing out of a responsibility and obligation to your marriage, because it is the right thing to do by your vows and not necessarily because you are 'happy' at home yet, I understand it is difficult.

The letter may sound 'cold' or 'harsh' to you.. (as I'm sure thats what you are thinking) but there is a reason for this. Putting down in a no contact letter all the thoughts about how wonderful it was, how terrific you are, I will miss those talks, feelings, etc, that I would be willing to bet you've put into yours, do not give the finality that is necessary in these circumstances. Warmth and loving statements leave open the heart to further contact. Both for you and for her.
As hard as this is for you.. it is actually a kindness you do for OW in being direct and final. It closes the door completely, which in the long run makes it easier for her to let go as well.

We'd really like to help you with the letter if you'd let us. I know this is tough right now. But lets start with this step...and move onto you in a little while.

Loui

quote:

Originally posted by Volusia guy:
Someone asked me today if it's better for my kids to have a dad 7 days a week who's dead inside and not taking care of himself, or to have a dad only 3 days a week who's happy and alive and taking care of himself.

Did your other woman "ask" you this question? Because it sounds like someone who wants you to leave your wife and children.

What kind of friend is that whoever it is?

quote:

Originally posted by GS_SYMC:

quote:

Originally posted by Volusia guy:
Someone asked me today if it's better for my kids to have a dad 7 days a week who's dead inside and not taking care of himself, or to have a dad only 3 days a week who's happy and alive and taking care of himself.

Did your other woman "ask" you this question? Because it sounds like someone who wants you to leave your wife and children.

What kind of friend is that whoever it is?

Someone said once maybe this isn't the board for me. I think I might have to agree. It is called "Save Your Marriage" and right now, I don't think there's a 1% chance of saving my marriage no matter what I do. So maybe I need to be somewhere else.

I said it before and I'll say it again. All these problems existed LONG before OW came into the picture. And if I left today, it would not be to go be with OW.

I just want to be happy for a change.

Thanks for the attempts to help.

V-guy,

They may not be in my care 7 days a week, but I'm my kids dad 7 days a week. Even when they are not in my care, I do things for them and I support them. Even when they are not in my care, I still work at being my kids dad. There's little question when I'm out and about and the kids are not in my care, others know I'm my kids dad. My kids end up hearing things from others about me and my activities during times they are not in my care. There is transparency.

HoFS

quote:

omeone said once maybe this isn't the board for me. I think I might have to agree. It is called "Save Your Marriage" and right now, I don't think there's a 1% chance of saving my marriage no matter what I do. So maybe I need to be somewhere else.

I said it before and I'll say it again. All these problems existed LONG before OW came into the picture. And if I left today, it would not be to go be with OW.

I just want to be happy for a change.

Thanks for the attempts to help.

Looks like there have been close to 300 replies to your situation and over 3,000 page views.

To me, that indicates a lot of people have invested a lot of support, caring and encouragement for you and your situation.

And most likely some of the opinions and advice you have received here may rub you the wrong way, but taking in the entire context, I think you would have to agree you have a large support network and sounding off board here for you.

Food for thought....

It's pretty obvious that SYMC would love to see all marriages work out, but unfortunately on this forum the main theme is infidelity and many times, it just doesn't work out the way we would hope.

That is why you came here. About to do it , says it all V-guy. Of course, as I said before, none of us want to see you go down that path. For me particularly, it's about the kids. That's a hurt I would do or say most anything, to keep anyone from going through if I could, so I'm sure most of what I say, just doesn't set well with you, but I've been there and done that. And it's the despair and heartache of a family that finds themselves in the middle of the infidelity nightmare that I want more then anything to see not happen.

I don't think anyone is expecting that overnight, you will stop drinking, that your wife will fall madly in love with you and do everything that you expect her to do as a wife. Cook, clean, fix sinks and be intimate.

I think the common goal here is to stop you from making a huge mistake, although personally, I think it's too late because from the things you say, I can conjure up a picture of someone else this time last year. The person I loved more then anything, who when I looked at him was a total stranger. I remember begging him to write pretty much the same letter above that my therapist suggested and it was just not going to happen, because he had made up his mind. He was living a lie he said. When in reality, the feelings he was having was what happens in the first few months of an affair. Euphoria with that person. Everything is right, everything is wonderful, when in reality, it's a big fat fantasy that rarely ever works out. And it didn't and obviously the lie he was leading was the one he was telling himself while in the middle of the affair. Because he is back. The fantasy turned to reality and he realized exactly what he was about to lose forever.

So, maybe, it is too late for your marriage V-guy, maybe that can't be saved. But working on getting you to a good place, where you are able to maintain your integrity and look your kids in the eyes and know that you went about things the right way and did all that you could. And maybe, getting you to a good place, can also light a fire under your wife. I am sure she would see a change and you might be pleasantly surprised at what might happen in your marriage.

But right now, I just hear a bunch of reasons why nothing will work in your opinion. It's not unusual to balk against what people here are telling you, believe me, I know. I was in the same boat. No I can't, no he won't, etc etc etc...But then I found out, yes I can and if he won't, then that's his issue, not mine. I started working on me and discovered many good things that I had forgotten which made me much stronger then I have been in years and brought me to a place where I knew if my husband came home, I'd be okay. If he didn't, I'd be okay and I'd make darn sure our little girl was okay.

We are here for a reason V-guy. ALL OF US, in one form or another have been touched by infidelity. We know of what we speak. It's up to you to decide if you want to listen and seek help.

quote:

Someone asked me today if it's better for my kids to have a dad 7 days a week who's dead inside and not taking care of himself, or to have a dad only 3 days a week who's happy and alive and taking care of himself.

I might be alone in this, but I agree. I think the main priority is not the hanging on to the marriage at all costs, rather it's to fix yourself up. Which may eventually mean leaving your marriage. That will have negative impacts on your kids, but so will you staying and being 'dead inside'.
The reason I think it's important to avoid an affair is exactly so you can reach that point where you are living in line with your values and can hold your head high (whether you are still married or not), rather than stay with your family for the sake of staying and be engaging in behaviour which reduces your self esteem, honesty, and ability to truly engage with your kids, and not fear what they may find out.

So do you have any thoughts on how to become this person who is "happy and alive and taking care of himself"?

What I'm am getting from all of this is that you want us to condone an affair because your wife is just not living up to your fantasy wife image. And, since we all know what infidelity does to a marriage, we are trying to make you see that this is NOT the answer in the long run. But, you are not hearing what you want to hear so you are going to take your ball and go home.

Your right, maybe this isn't the right place for you to be. What you are looking for is a place that will tell you, "Hell yes, have an affair, you deserve it. It will make your life so happy to break up your family, devistate your wife, cause financial difficulties, cause your children to cry at night. Sounds like the perfect solution for you. Right?

I hope you come back and realize that these people know what they are talking about from actual life experience. You can take all the advise you want from someone who doesn't have a clue what they are talking about.

I also agree with Mags (again) that doesn't mean you have to stay in a marriage that makes you feel "dead" but for heavens sake, don't go straight to someone else. Fix yourself first. Give yourself some time to see what life without your wife and kids will be like before you do anything to cause it more harm. You can put the blame on her all you want but I suspect there are a few things about yourself that could use some work also. We all need that, not just you.

Anyway, good luck, hope you find what your looking for.

quote:

Originally posted by mags:

quote:

Someone asked me today if it's better for my kids to have a dad 7 days a week who's dead inside and not taking care of himself, or to have a dad only 3 days a week who's happy and alive and taking care of himself.

I might be alone in this, but I agree. I think the main priority is not the hanging on to the marriage at all costs, rather it's to fix yourself up. Which may eventually mean leaving your marriage. That will have negative impacts on your kids, but so will you staying and being 'dead inside'.
The reason I think it's important to avoid an affair is exactly so you can reach that point where you are living in line with your values and can hold your head high (whether you are still married or not), rather than stay with your family for the sake of staying and be engaging in behaviour which reduces your self esteem, honesty, and ability to truly engage with your kids, and not fear what they may find out.

So do you have any thoughts on how to become this person who is "happy and alive and taking care of himself"?

First time I've been here in a few weeks. OMG thank you mags. Someone understands. Thank you.

I NEVER asked ANYONE to condone an affair. I'm not an idiot.

Good to see you V-guy,
How are you doing?

hugs to you and yours
Hypatia

Merry Christmas everyone.

To you and your family too V-guy.

HoFS

quote:

Originally posted by Hypatia_SYMC:
Good to see you V-guy,
How are you doing?

hugs to you and yours
Hypatia

Nothings better. I told her I was ready for a divorce. I drove to OW house last weekend to help her move and I told my wife after I got home. I can't stand lying. Good or bad, I can't stand it. She didn't seem to care one way or the other, just said she figured something was up.

I don't know what's going to happen. Day by day. I've started walking for exercise. Did 5 miles the other day. Walk to the beach and back when I can.

Hey V-guy
Well the honesty is a positive at least.

Would you ever consider directing your wife to this website? I'm just wondering if her lack of reaction - which I suspect you are taking as coldness/uncaring/unwillingness to make an effort, is actually her feeling lost and helpless about what to do, and actually she's in great turmoil under there. Not saying it's the case - maybe she really doesn't care - but it might be just not knowing how to cope. She may welcome some advice - or maybe counselling - jointly or individual or some people to talk to on here - just something to help her know how to deal with it. Would you be willing to suggest any of that to her?

Good about the walking. It must be lovely to be walking distance from the beach! I find the ocean so soothing (when I'm not IN it anyway!)

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is almost over here. It's been nice though.

I haven't stayed at home for the past six nights. I go home after work and see my girls, eat dinner, then leave. I have a condo I've been renting that became empty Jan. 1st so I've been sleeping here.

Nice to see you, Volusia guy. Might be kinda cold in that condo if you were all by yourself. Watcha doin' while you're there?