quote:

Originally posted by Just J_SYMC:
Nice to see you, Volusia guy. Might be kinda cold in that condo if you were all by yourself. Watcha doin' while you're there?

On the computer...tv...cleaning...talking on the phone. My youngest has been coming over for a few hours each night and then my wife comes and picks her up. I find I've been getting to bed at a decent time and waking up on time also. Not having as much wine either. Peace. She told me today there's a lot less stress and tension at the house with me gone but she misses me.

and how do you feel about that?

Loui

Hey there V-guy
So what's the status with your wife?
I'm really glad for you btw. Not that I know whether this is the right thing to do or not, but it sounds like you're taking steps to change your life that are in line with your values (i.e. not having an affair within your marriage) and that work towards where you want to be (i.e. around your kids and community even if not married), and thats really fantastic.

quote:

Originally posted by mags:
Hey there V-guy
So what's the status with your wife?
I'm really glad for you btw. Not that I know whether this is the right thing to do or not, but it sounds like you're taking steps to change your life that are in line with your values (i.e. not having an affair within your marriage) and that work towards where you want to be (i.e. around your kids and community even if not married), and thats really fantastic.

Thanks Mags. So far I'm liking it. The girls spent most of the day Saturday with me over there and we went out and ran some errands. We're going to talk to them this Friday probably. Not going to say much other than mom and dad are liking this "time out" from each other and are going to do it a little longer. I expected to feel really lonely at the condo and while it is kind of boring at times, I don't feel lonely. That makes me glad and worries me at the same time.

Next on my list is to set some goals and get started on fixing me.

Oh...the wife...she is still saying she wishes I would come home and we could work on things but I'm not budging. BTDT too many times. She said we can't start working on things until I come home and I totally disagree with that. It's the fear of failure and embarrasment that's driving her now. Not trying to be mean but it's true.

quote:

She said we can't start working on things until I come home and I totally disagree with that.

Right. You can't start working on things until you decide to start working on things. It doesn't really matter where you are. If you want to work on it, you will. If you don't, then, well, it doesn't matter much where you are.

First step is to end your affair, though there are many more after that. Alcohol would be another big one.

Tough stuff, eh? You've got my support. I think you can do it.

Hey all. Here's the latest...

I've been to talk to a priest (that doesn't know either of us) and he referred me to their on-site marriage counselor, who I saw yesterday (I really liked her). Both agreed something has got to give and it doesn't sound too promising. My wife is content with the way things are now with my just sleeping at the condo and still maintains she wants to work on things. But she's also told me she's realized I'm not ever coming back home. I don't know if that's true or not.

Haven't seen OW since before I left. We've backed way off so it doesn't interfere. I've thought about this a lot and if OW told me to get lost tomorrow I would still not go back home. Those problems are still there, big time.

We talked the girls Friday and it lasted about a minute. They were pretty much unaffected. I guess that's bcuz I'd already been staying there for 3 weeks.

I don't want to do this. I hate it. I don't want to be divorced. I really don't. But I just can't ever in a million years envision her changing.

The counselor said she'd love to talk to her. So I told her that and gave her her card. We'll see. My money is she won't call and make an appt.

V-guy,

I am glad that you are working on you...but really I think that a counselor should never tell you that your marriage doesn't sound promising. That concerns me, as does a priest saying that.

Have you let your wife know how much it would mean to you for you to talk to the counselor or the priest? I mean really said, "Hey honey, I know you might not think it will help...but making an appointment and really talking to the counselor will help me to know that you DO want to work on our marriage."

Don't approach it angry or with the attitude that you already know she won't do it...people often do what we expect of them, simply becuase we expect it. Ask for her to please make an appointment, expecting that she will take your feelings into account...and maybe she will.

Hey vguy - how is your other stuff going? Building up the stuff you love about your life - I can't remember where you posted what it was. How are you feeling?

I don't know how I'm feeling. Pretty much indifferent towards it all is the best way to describe it. I just don't know.

Update: My wife and I went to the counselor several times. Some together, some alone. I went back home for 3 weeks and left again. Things are pretty quiet for now. Just taking some more time apart. Today is the first time in a while I actually felt like I wanted to make this work.

I don't see OW anymore. Trade a short email once a week or so maybe. That's it.

Welcome back.

So what happened with OW?

And what happened that you went home and then left again?

P

quote:

Just taking some more time apart. Today is the first time in a while I actually felt like I wanted to make this work.

baby steps are a good thing

OW has major issues with ex's and her attitude. We decided this wasn't a good idea and backed off. Her divorce was final this week.

I went home and we were seeing the counselor and a couple of small issues got better, but then it stopped. We'd talk about things we each needed to do and she wouldn't do them. Like having dinner as a family at the table; spending time alone together. I met with the couneselor on my own and she said I should stop going over there every day and go from there. SO that's what I'm trying to do. Not go over maybe one day this week. Two next week. Etc.

My wife and I both agree that right now, this is the best thing. For me to come by but not sleep there. We both need the break.

Sounds like you are in a constructive place V-guy, working towards the life you want to live, even if it's a rough ride there.
I'm so so very glad.