Hi all,

Great site. I've read through some of the forum topics and found some useful stuff. Some of the issues many posters are going through make mine appear to be quite trivial, even silly. But it feels neither trivial or silly to me - I've never felt so sad, depressed, or lost in my whole life.

By way of background my wife and I married 2 months ago after dating for six years, and living together for most of that time. I'm 26, she's 27 and there's no kids - though they're definitely part of both our plans.

Four weeks ago I found a text message that my wife sent to a work colleague. She was passed-out drunk at the time having attended a work function all day for the Melbourne Cup (I had NEVER seen her drunk before this day - a little tipsy but nothing like she was this night). I can't remember the whole message - not sure if I even read it all as I fell apart after the second line - but it read in part "I look at you and I look at [BS] and I want to be with you."

She had sent the message after we got home that night, after I left her at home to go and feed her uncle's pets that we were looking after. I found the message because she received a message from another bloke - who was with the OM at the time - which just said "What are you thinking". I obviously thought that was a weird message for her to receive, so looked at the sent messages and the rest is history.

I confronted her - she told me nothing had ever happened and she couldn't remember sending the message. I left and went to her mother's house for a few hours (my family all lives interstate and I couldn't get hold of any close mates). I came home a few hours later when she had sobered up. She told me again that nothing had ever happened - that she and OM were close friends, but nothing would ever happen and she didn't want anything to happen.

I believe her. I don't think there's ever been anything physical.

We spoke at length (that night and many times since) about what we wanted, and we both want to stay together - we love eachother very much. We've not separated and I don't want to - we've slept in the same bed every night since, and still hug, kiss and have a sex life. We both know what we want and we're working together to recover from this. I'd obviously be more comfortable if she had no communication with OM whatsoever, ever (or at least for the forseeable future), but its not that simple.

Firstly she works with him - although she's almost certainly won a new job starting asap so that's a positive.

Secondly - they are both heavily involved in a local sporting club - he's the President and she the Secretary. Its the classic situation where they're the only two that get anything done on the committee so for the past 2 years they've sent countless emails, txt messages, phone calls, meetings, etc, etc... My wife (I'm reluctant to call her WS) has been at the club since she was 3 years old, and her family has a strong history there. The OM is also heavily involved as a commtteeman, coach, and his 2 kids play for them also (my wife even coaches the kids). I couldn't ask her to cut all ties with the club, and he's hardly going to either. Good news on that front also - if she gets this new job she can't be on the committee as it would be a conflict of interest - although she could continue playing and coaching.

The club has an AGM approaching and as such there's lots to be done. I get that, and try to give her space and freedom to do what needs to be done of an afternoon, evening, or weekend. But I feel miserable and frustrated when she's at the computer for hours on end talking to him by email, messenger or whatever, while I'm sitting there waiting for her to spend some time with me - or throw me a bone, so to speak.

We've been to counselling and spoken about setting boundaries. One of my main gripes is that the OM has taken to sending txt messages to her late at night. This had happened before and I'd expressed a view that it was inappropiate. But it seems to be happening more often now (or maybe I'm just noticing it more?). The content of the messages is harmless. Stuff to do with the club mostly, and occassionally about work. She shows me some and I find others when I look at her phone (I know this isn't helpful, but I can't help it). We've spoken about this at length on 3 or 4 occassions since the incident. I've told her that txts or phone calls after 10pm are inappropriate - that's our time. If he wants to tell her something he can wait til the next day, or even send her an email, but nothing short of a serious injury or death warrants a phone call or txt at that hour (and even then he should be calling his own family - NOT MY WIFE!!!!). She tells me that she agrees with me, and that she has spoken to him about it and told him its not on. Problem is it's happened several times since we spoke about it. The last one was sent at 1:15am saying "U awake?", after she'd sent him a txt at 9:45pm telling him to "call or txt me later if you need". They had received news earlier in the day that a long-term club member had cancer, but at the end of the day I DONT BLOODY CARE! I don't want my wife inviting late night conversations with OM - or any other person for that matter - unless there's some dire emergency. Ok, so a friend has cancer - he'll still have it tomorrow and there's nothing anyone can do at 1:15am to fix it. (Reading that I'm shocked at my own lack of compassion - but its how I feel at the moment and there's no use pretending anything different).

I got very ****** off at that one. What was she thinking? She INVITED him to call or text her during the night after we'd agreed it wasn't appropriate and wouldn't happen again. That was last Friday. I got very angry - told her she needed to decide what was more important - keeping her close friendship with OM or working on making sure our marriage was OK. She went for a drive for a couple of hours and sent me a txt saying she couldn't believe how stupid she'd been, that she'd never meant to do anything to harm me or us, and then she came home.

The week before that we went out to see her friend from school perform at a local pub. About 30 mins after we got there she went outside to speak to another friend on her phone who had just broken up with her boyfriend. No problems there. I went out an hour later to see if she wanted a drink and overheard some of the conversation. She was talking to OM not to her friend! I lost it, told her how ****** off I was, etc. She showed me on her phone that she was only speaking to him for 20 mins, and had been speaking to her friend for the rest of the time - but that wasn't the point. Why does she need to be talking to him on a Friday night while we're out with friends?!? She said she felt physically ill that she had made me so angry and upset, that she loves me etc...

Not sure where I'm going with all this and my post is long enough already. I'm sure my wife loves me and I'm sure there's no physical relationship with OM. I'm pretty sure she's not rethinking our relationship - I think from her perspective it was a small mistake and she's moved past it. After all, she never did anything (physically) wrong. I've explained to her that I'm a long way from being "past" it. She tells me she understands, but then does these thoughtless things to flame the situation.

After Friday night I was a bit down over the weekend. We did some things together - shopping, family dinner, went out for lunch and a beer - it was all good stuff, but I was a little bit distant thinking about Friday night and everything else. I apologised for this on Sunday night, and her reply was that I'm not very fun to be around when I'm like that. That stings. I'm trying so hard!!!

My issue is that I've never ever questioned my wife's love and committment to me before. It never crossed my mind that she may not be 100% happy with our relationship. I never, ever thought for even a second that she would think about or want to have an affair. Now, I have trouble thinking about anything else! I believe in my heart that she IS happy, that she DOES love me, and that she WOULD tell me if any of that ever changed. But I can't help thinking and worrying about the worst case scenario - what if she is unhappy? what if she has had or wants to have an affair? what if she's too afraid to tell me as she doesn't want to hurt me?

I'm VERY sorry about the long post!

Thanks in anticipation of some advice and understanding.

Oh wow. Reading your post took me back to the beginning of my heartache. I have been there and I wish that I had found this place as early as you have. I am not an expert by any means, but I will tell you that you have to express to her how very dangerous to your marriage this behavior is. I am getting a divorce as we speak over just this sort of thing. It went on in my marriage for 2 years. Let me tell you right now that you can't change her or her behavior, but the folks here will help you change your behavior in reaction to her so that she will see how much you love her and want you marriage to work. She is the only one that can change what she is doing though. I pray that she can see what my X couldn't. Sorry you are going through this, but glad you found this place early. There will be someone along soon who has some constructive advice.

Ditto here. Very triggering. You need to do more than get ****** off. You need to take action if your marriage is to survive. I advise you to call Penny, no matter what that takes from Australia. Download and read her ebook, and don't think your story is trivial. Not at all.

First, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard.

I would be very concerned that your wife appears very attached to this other man. The red flags are all over the place.

It doesn't mean that she isn't also in love with you. Her feelings are probably very mixed up and even she probably doesn't understand why she has such mixed emotions.

Take strong action though. Before it grows. A marriage counselor, a really good one, can help you guys through this.

Regardless though, I would be very clear with OM and your wife, that their actions are in the sunlight. Keep having very frank discussions, regardless of how angry your wife gets. In fact, when she gets angry you can pretty much bank on the fact you are closer to the truth (not the opposite).

No matter what, don't let them convince you that everything is fine. It isn't fine. It is so not fine.

Hang in there,
GS

A fellow Aussie?! Welcome.

It does sound positive that her new job will be taking her away from the source of temptation/opportunity. Yes she may not have done anything physical but it does sound like she's in a bit of a danger zone at the moment.

Do you guys have full transparency or anything? Are you allowed to (openly) see her phone messages and emails any time you want? That might be a good start. Especially if OM is clear on this point too. I think her willingness to do this might be a good indication of whether this thing is a bit 'off' or not, and also gives you the ability to judge more accurately for yourself what their communication is like and whether the thing escalates. Would she be/is she already willing to do that?

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies. Its great to know and see that others are willing to give you the time of day

Yes Mags fellow Aussie here!

To try to answer some of the queries/comments:

- We are in counselling. From that, it became clear that she was dealing with this a lot easier/quicker than I was. She understands this and why, and is trying to be accomodating in terms of thinking before she does things and knowing why I've been needy/clingy since this happened.

- We sort of have full transparency. Everytime I've asked to see an email/phone message its not been a problem, and she's offered to let me go through her email history if I want. I haven't really taken her up on it. I feel like that would be showing her that I dont trust her when she tells me that the text message is the full extent of the inappropriate communication between them. Will trawling through all the old emails between them really help me get past this?

- I have been pretty direct in telling her how damaging her continued communication with him is. I dont like the work and club-based communication, but I try very hard to, I guess, turn a blind eye as long as its at a reasonable time. When its gone beyond that - social conversations while we're at the pub and late night texts - I've been very direct in telling her that it hurts and is totally inappropriate. In fact, the late night texts in my view would be inappropriate even if the original incident had never happened. Its just plain rude and I wonder if his wife knows he's texting and emailing my wife at those hours. I've felt like contacting her and still might if this type of communication continues.

To give a little more information, OM's marriage is in trouble apparently - my wife told me this a couple of months ago. One night before the incident she spoke to him on the phone for about an hour late at night - leaving the bedroom and going into the backyard to take his call. I told her I wasn't happy with that and she said he needed someone to talk to. She told me i had nothing to worry about. I said that might be the case, but you can't expect me to be happy with you having late night secret conversations with other men.

OM also has a drinking problem and i think he may be drunk when he sends the messages at inappropriate times. This information also comes from my wife.

I've told my wife that if it happens again, I'll be the one calling him back and having words with him. She's told him its not on - several times - and if he continues to do it then we'll (OM and I) have a serious problem. I dont think my wife is too enthusiastic about the idea but I've given her notice at least that that's what I intend to do.

I'm doing other things to try to just improve myself and spend more time with my wife. I go running and swimming with her of an afternoon - whereas I used to sit at home whilst she exercised. I'm helping more around the house and getting the garden in order. I've told her I want to play for her club next year so we can go to training and games together. OM is the captain, coach or something of the side I'd be in, but I don't think I'd care as I'd be getting fit and also spending more time with the wife.

Sorry, post is getting long again. Thanks again for your replies. Money's a bit tight this month (thank you $3,000.00 car repair bill!) but I'll try to find the $16 to download Penny's book in the next few weeks.

Cheers,

quote:

I've told my wife that if it happens again, I'll be the one calling him back and having words with him. She's told him its not on - several times - and if he continues to do it then we'll (OM and I) have a serious problem. I dont think my wife is too enthusiastic about the idea but I've given her notice at least that that's what I intend to do.

So the OM has a family and a marriage in trouble? If so, there may come a time for you to let them in on this as well. If it continues that is. I would love to think that your wife means what she says, but if not, I can tell you right now that Penny will suggest full disclosure to everyone involved.

I so hope for both you and your wife that it will not come to that.

quote:

I'm doing other things to try to just improve myself and spend more time with my wife. I go running and swimming with her of an afternoon - whereas I used to sit at home whilst she exercised. I'm helping more around the house and getting the garden in order. I've told her I want to play for her club next year so we can go to training and games together. OM is the captain, coach or something of the side I'd be in, but I don't think I'd care as I'd be getting fit and also spending more time with the wife.

I am happy to hear that you are doing things to try and spend time with your wife. However, don't ever think that because of something you did or didn't do, started your wife down this path. Sometimes in marriage, we lose sight of our spouses and we both might need to look at ourselves and what caused that. But infidelity is not the lack of what you did or didn't do in your marriage. It's wrong. It's a choice that a spouse makes that robs you of your choices in your marriage, and in your life.

But, a self improvement, on whatever level is always a good thing!!!!!!

I am happy you found us here. I hope that all of us will have something to contribute to you.

In the meantime, take some time for yourself. Make sure you are eating and keeping hydrated and keep posting. It will help you. This kind of thing really takes a lot out of you, so be kind to yourself right now.

And finally, don't beat yourself up too much over what has happened. I know that's easy to do. The how come this is happening, or what did I do...etc. I think you are being mighty accommodating right now and that's a hard thing to do. We are here if you need us.

Hi Sandy,

Thanks for your kind words and practical advice.

Your words ring very true to me - I do get to thinking that its just not fair. I just got married 2 months ago and we're already in counselling?!?! It is NOT meant to be like this!!! 2 months ago I enjoyed the happiest day of my entire life. One month later, I experienced the worst day of my entire life. Its a lot to absorb.

On the other hand - and I've shared this with my wife - if this is the worst thing that we have to get through in our marriage, then we've got a very happy future to look forward to!

Thanks again everyone. I'll keep posting and checking for more responses/insights!

Perhaps once my head's a bit clearer I'll be able to help some other posters. Don't think I'm in any position to help anyone at the moment though!

cheers,

It's about boundaries. Somewhere on this site is a good discussion on personal and marital boundaries by Penny. Things that we just don't do as married people because it puts us at risk. For example, talking about marital problems with another man like that- very dangerous. Having private phone calls with another married man, calls that are not open to you and at all hours, and about his marital issues or personal problems-off limits.
This is just one example. Bottom line is, if you are uncomfortable with it, it is a problem. If she minimizes it, rationalizes it, deflects the problem onto you, or anything other than sincerely take your concerns into account and work with you on a solution then this thing is far more than it appears.
I say go ahead and call this bloke right now. Don't tell your wife and don't ask her permission. Tell him that his relationship with your wife in inappropriate. Ask him politely to stop calling her (and set whatever boundaries YOU feel are appropriate). Check your phone logs, computer and her car milage. If she resents your 'interference', there's only one reason why. It's so, so true. The angrier they get, the more they scoff, the closer you are to the truth.
If you can find a copy, read Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. Share it with your wife. If she poo-poo's it or scoffs at the idea, then there's only one reason why.
Call me the village alarmist, but I think this behavior between them is WAY over the line. And behavior is what counts, not what either of them say to you. You want to believe the best, you want to believe her, I know. Dont' let that blind you.

Topsykrett..

I think the other thing I'd like to suggest.. and I know this is a tough one.

You both quit that club. Find another team to play on. No contact with this person either as a couple or individually is a much better idea.

Even if your wife is completely done with it...if he is not then seeing your wife could create opportunities or reminders. Especially if the man is drinking, his resolve may crumble.

Just something to think about.

Loui

Hi Gregory & LouieJ - thanks for your replies.

Gregory I'm not sure that I can agree with you regarding these types of phone calls being inappropriate in every instance. I would hope and expect my wife to be there for her friends when they need her - male or female friends - and this includes when they have personal or marital problems. If friends can't help out at times like that what has society become? My issue with it in this instance is that the calls were not open to me. And after the Melbourne Cup day text, I think its fair to ask that she pull back on her friendship with OM and let him get that type of support from other friends. Perhaps that is exactly what you were saying... I'm not sure.

LouieJ, I appreciate what you're saying I would definitely be more comfortable if she pulled out of the club altogether. However, it's simply not an option. My wife has lived and breathed this club her whole life, as has her family. She has seriously considered getting a tatoo of the club logo (she doesn't have any other tatoos). The contact with OM will be a fraction of what it is now if this new job comes through and she quits the committee, and I'm very happy with that.

I think I've gotten through to her after the last two incidents the damage that she's doing by continuing her friendship with OM. I went with anger on the last two occassions, as opposed to earlier on when I might have started angry but ended up upset and probably looking and sounding desperate. My counsellor explained that getting upset triggers her need to comfort me, so she'll say the things I want to hear and I'll feel better - but that doesn't address the problem. By getting angry, I make her really evaluate what I'm saying without the emotional response to try to make me feel better.

I've been better this week at feeling and being happier and less glum than the last two weeks. I'm still thinking all this stuff over, but I don't want it to be the flavour of the day, every day. I can see this getting easier and easier as time goes on - so long as there's no repeat incidents to set us back again. That's been our problem recently, but hopefully that's been taken care of.

At this stage I'll continue to focus on us. If anything further happens, my plan is to speak to OM and make it very clear that his continued friendship is damaging and unwelcome. If that doesn't work, my next port of call will be to speak to his wife. I hope it doesn't come to that!

Thanks again all for your input.

cheers,

quote:

On the other hand - and I've shared this with my wife - if this is the worst thing that we have to get through in our marriage, then we've got a very happy future to look forward to!

There is not much in a marriage that can be worse then infidelity. But it is true. If you all get through this it will make your relationship stronger. They always say that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

I hope for your sake that it is over and things are getting better. I do worry about the lack of transparency on her part though. And I also know as a BS that sometimes you are told what they think you want to hear. My H swore things to me and I believed it and he continued to swear it after we reconciled. I only just got the real truth about two months ago. I don't know what hurt worse, hearing what I already knew in my gut to be true, or the fact that I was lied to again.

That's another thing I learned..trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, chances are, it's not.

Hey there
Sounds like you guys are on a good path and working it through. And I think the quitting the committee plus you playing with the club will be great too. Good luck with it all!

Wow, ok last night was a bit different.

My wife and I were searching the internet together trying to plan our honeymoon (YAY!). She had her email open and I saw a couple come through from OM. As I've said before, that's not unusual as they've got a lot of club-based stuff to get done at the moment.

I asked her if I could see the emails, and for the first time she hesitated and said she wanted to read them first and process them herself before she showed me. I told her that that's not really helpful - sort of like censoring the communication and making sure I only see the harmless stuff. We argued for a bit - very calmly mind you - and I eventually got out of her that she was scared that OM might say something stupid which would set us back again. She didn't want to expose me to anything inappropriate he might say.

I told her that nothing he could say can harm us as long as she's honest with me. I couldn't care less if he's mad, upset, angry or even in love with my wife. What matters to me is how she reacts and deals with whatever he throws at her. There could be nothing in the emails he sent her that would send our recovery backwards, but conversely if she refused to show me the emails - or was otherwise less than totally transparent with the communications between her and OM - that would put us right back to the start and our marriage would be in even more danger.

Long story short - I think she understands now. At least better than she did before. The only thing that can come between us is if she's hiding that sort of stuff from me. I'm not scared of anything OM does - he can't touch us. I am scared that my wife wouldn't trust me enough to share these things with me.

Turns out the emails had little to do with the club, and were more of a cry for attention and an attempt to manipulate my wife. He's putting the guilt trip on her for leaving her job after he recently fought to save her from redundancy, and giving up her committee position in order to take this new job. He's trying to make her justify her decisions to him. Its unacceptable. My wife and I responded to the emails together, basically saying he was out of line, that she doesn't have to and will not justify her decisions to him. It felt good that I could be a part of that with my wife.

I put it to my wife that I think OM has ulterior motives with regards to their relationship - what with his marriage in trouble, and my wife being a younger, attractive, female friend who's been kind and supportive for him over the past couple of years. The attempts at manipulation are also a bad sign in this regard. She agreed with me, and told me that he may well have those sorts of feeling for her. That worried me a bit - but I already thought that anyway. What gave me hope was that she felt safe enough to tell me that she agreed with me, rather than getting defensive and telling me I was being paranoid.

I've also come to an agreement with my wife about me contacting OM. She knows if he calls or texts her at an inappropriate time again, I will be calling him. If it happens again after that, I will be contacting his wife. But my wife is finishing up in her job at the end of next week and to make things easier on her until then I've told her that I wont do it until Saturday week - hopefully he's gotten the message and I won't have to do it at all.

Its a little scary that OM seems to have so much power over my wife. She felt very bad about the things he said to her in his emails - and we talked about it for a couple of hours last night. I'm worried/scared/annoyed/whatever that he has that sort of power over her.

Anyways, we've got another joint counselling session next week so hopefully we can explore this a bit further. I don't want to be discussing it with her every night - its way too draining. We've had some fun times together recently and its nice to have a break from all this.

Thanks all for your support and advice.

It's fantastic that you guys are working through this stuff together. Sounds like you're on a really good path.

Yes guilt, and a feeling of indebtedness for favours etc., can be very powerful - especially when they are inflicted upon you by somebody who you think has feelings for you. Ah well.
Hope the counselling goes well. And yes, it is very important to maintain the fun times and not let the problems crowd everything else out - makes it much easier to strengthen the marriage, which you already know I think.

Glad it's all going so well!

quote:

My wife and I responded to the emails together,

This part? This is the key to your success. Keep it up.

Hi again,

Ok, things have changed a lot. I went thru my wife's bag last night and found a note she had written - apparently to herself. It was like a draft letter to OM that she says she never sent him.

It said she needed to get over him, but she wanted and needed to stay friends with him. It asked him to respect the line of friendship, but to call or email anytime to chat - that she needed that. It said she needed him as a friend, best friend and soulmate. it said she'll never forget "what we shared"

So she hadn't previously told me the half of it. It shattered me.

We spoke again for hours last night after i confronted her. She admitted that her and om had a full-blown emotional affair and had shared two kisses. But she says there was nothing further in the physical sense. She says she always loved me throughout and never wanted to leave me or anything like that - and thats what stopped them from going any further.

Ok, some help please on where to go from here. She's agreed to no contact - we haven't worked out the details to do with the club but i told her last night i wanted her to end all involvement including as a player & coach. I told her i wont wait until the AGM, and that she must end committee involvement immediately. Its scary stuff - she really, really does love that club and she's such an important part of it - captain of a-grade women, coach of c-grade women, coach of under16s, secretary, etc, etc. maybe we can compromise and she can continue to play and coach... i dont want her to lose that part of her life...

I told her i intend to tell om's wife and she passionately disagrees. She says its not my decision to make - to risk breaking up a family... maybe she's right.

I told her last night that we can work through this, but only if she is 100% honest with me now and forever. If she has left anything out - eg there was more physical stuff, or if he contacts her and she doesn't tell me - then i will walk away.

OMG, i have no idea if we're doing this right. should we be apart for a while? should we tell all friends and family - she's so angry at herself and ashamed. She doesn't feel comfortable wih our counsellor so we need to find a new one. That's tough cos the current one is free through a program at my place of employment. We can't afford $100-plus a session...

I want to direct her to this site as it might help her, but I'm scared of losing this safe place to vent my thoughts and feelings. What do you think? Is there anything to be gained by keeping this to myself?

Thanks so much for your help so far. I look forward to seeing your thoughts/ideas/etc.

cheers

Hey there. I've been reading your thread on and off this week. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this - and I'm glad you found us.

So. Let's see. Are you doing things right? For the most part, I think so. She really does need to end contact - all contact. I know that impacts her club involvement and I'm sorry. But really TS - you have to put this in perspective. It's a *club* for heaven's sake. The choice here is pretty clear -- either the club goes or you (both!) continue to put the health and wellbeing of your family at risk. Is a club membership really worth that? You and I both know it's not .... and so does she. It might be you to be firm on this ... so do what you have to do to protect your marriage and your kids and do that.

Telling his wife? I think she should know. She has a right to make the choice whether or not to stay married based on fact. Is that your job to tell? I don't know if I know the answer to that. At one time I would have said yes without a second thought. Now I think it has more to do with *why* you would tell her more than anything else. If it's out of anger or vengeance or a hope that it will keep him away from your wife ... it does something ugly to you when you act from that place. Because you care about him, his marriage, and his family? Then, perhaps, I think, yes you should call her.

Time apart? Absolutely not. I'd like to see both of you stay in your home and spend extra time together. I understand that emotions can be raw right now so time that is in the same space without the need to expend too much energy is ok. Reading together. Watching tv. Going to a movie. Out to dinner someplace with comfort good. Going for walks. Low key. Connecting. Does that make sense?

best to both of you

P

quote:

I told her i intend to tell om's wife and she passionately disagrees. She says its not my decision to make - to risk breaking up a family... maybe she's right.

An affair, emotional or physical, robs the BS's of their choices. It's not right and his wife should be told. It's not fair for her to be living her life, thinking one thing is going on, when something completely different, deceit on the part of her spouse, is what's happening. It is your choice to make since your wife and the choice she made, brought you into this. The OM's wife should have a CHOICE in this as well as you.

I'm so sorry you found this...but I sort of suspected as much. It's never just as easy was we want it to be.

I am thinking of you both and holding you in my thoughts. I don't know which is worse, going through this early in a marriage or after years like I did. It really sucks, no matter how long I suppose

Oh Topsy
I'm so sorry you're going through this. At least if it is all now out in the open you can see the beast you're dealing with. That is a definite plus.

Also, if she has agreed to complete NC, that is a huge plus too. That feeling of still wanting to be friends with him, etc., is pretty common, don't hold that against her. The fact that she's ok with giving that up is really big. And writing your thoughts/letters/etc. unsent is a pretty good way to clear one's head.

You might want to have some sort of 'amnesty' day or soemthing you know. I'm worried that by saying you'll walk if you find out anything else, that you'll actually scare her away from honesty, for fear of losing you. I'm not saying your request is unfair at all, only that honesty is such a precious thing between you two right now that I worry about instilling a fear of it in her. I'm not sure what the compromise is on that. But maybe giving her some time - maybe in a day or two so she can think about it - that she can tell you anything else she needs to get off her chest but didn't at the time due to fear of your reaction, might be a good idea?

I also worry about her leaving the club - will you guys be substituting this for some other activity, or joining another club? Again contact with OM is bad, but I worry about her being deprived of her social network and hobbies at a vulnerable time. Are there some efforts you guys can make to build up a new social structure for her and spend some together time? Might just be something to keep aware of.

About OM's wife. Tough call. How old are their kids? On the one hand I can see the 'she has a right to know' argument, but on the other hand, after all I've read on here about the impact these things have on kids, it sometimes sounds a bit contrary to advise somebody to do something that will mess with another family's kids heads. I sort of think, where kids are involved, sometimes letting them have their childhood in peace may be kinder. I dunno.
I guess maybe one good test of "are you telling her because you believe she has a right to know, or to punish OM" might be... if you saw this happening in some other relationship - would you tell the spouse? Some people would because of the right to know. Some people wouldn't because it's somebody elses business. And OM - if he keeps to the NC - is no longer yours or your wife's business to get tangled up in, if you subscribe to the latter. That's my take anyway.

Can your work arrange a different counsellor with the same organisation? Some can.

As for losing this site as your safe place - it's your call really. There is a private board she can post on, but she'd be able to view your posts on here.

Good luck with it all.