Ok looking for a little help here.

OMW called me to thank me for letting her know. She's feeling like I was 2 and a half months ago. Angry, upset, numb... It was a short conversation.

She's also tried to call W several times. W doesn't know what to do. She knows I exposed, but doesn't know what to do. She missed the calls as she was working, but doesn't know whether to call her back or not, when to do it, what to say...

What should be said between OMW and W? Anything? Can it be helpful to anyone? I want to protect my W from harm, but I also realise that she and OM got themselves into this mess, so they should have to deal with the fallout.

Crap, maybe I should have waited until the weekend or something...

Any thoughts on this or my couple of posts above would be greatly appreciated.

cheers,

Hi,
If I were you....thinking....I would let my wife learn what she will learn from this experience. Let go of the illusion of control TS and let natural consequences run their course.

I think OM's wife has questions and I think she has the right to know the answers.

And, I'm assuming both ladies are safe from harm. No one is physically threatening the other, so upset they will hurt themselves, have weapons, whatever.

If it's just talk....let them do it. They both will have much to learn from each other.

You did the right thing TS. Don't ever doubt that.
GS

How are you going TK? Did your wife talk to his?

Oh man! I didn't think this could get any harder...

OMW has gone completely off her tree. She rang my wife and told her she will kill her. My wife believes that OM is spinning the whole scenario to put all the blame on her - 'she had a crush on me' 'she seduced me'. That type of thing. I've no way of really knowing, but it certainly seems that OMW is placing all the blame on my wife for the whole situation.

I sent a calm and collected email to OMW, cc'd to OM, stating that any further threats or harrassment from either one of them will be reported to the police.

[edit] No-one can talk to my wife like that, and threaten her life!! My wife is completely shaken up by all this.

Can anyone help me out with how to deal with this? [edit]

I know OMW is hurting, but I never took my hurt and anger out on her husband. Not once. My wife had to wear all of my emotions - anger, upset, disappointment, rage - the lot. HE should be on the receiving end of his wife's anger, not my wife. He is irrelevant to our marriage just as she is to theirs. OMW needs to redirect her anger at her husband.

Dammit! I did not realise exposure would be so... hard, messy, nasty. Just like everything else around this whole mess, I guess...

I'm really second guessing the wisdom of this strategy in my situation. I can't see any good coming out of it at all.

I think I'll try to take the wife out for dinner tonight. Or maybe just cook something nice at home.

I want to get away from all this. I want to take my wife and move away interstate or something. But dammit we've made our life here and she IS NOT the only one to blame here. OM and his wife can **** off somewhere else and make eachother miserable away from us.

I'm gonna have to pull myself together before my wife gets home from work. She'll need me to be calm and collected tonight and for the next few days i think.

Thanks for your thoughts Mags. I'm glad to hear that your baby is happy and healthy! All the very best to you and yours!

cheers,

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Topsykrett,

Yikes. I'd been having real doubts about the "exposure" thing anyway.Anne certainly doesn't show any willingness. I'd hate to push and fight for something that did more harm than good.

Geez, sorry it turned out like that! She must be hard and fast in denial - I guess wanting so bad for it to be somebody elses fault other than her husbands. She probably feels like her world falls apart if she has to admit fault in him. People do strange things to avoid what they don't want to know sometimes.

All of which doesn't help you. I tend to think that she'll stop once it's sunk in a bit. Seems like an initial shock reaction. Has there been any further threat? Can you take out an AVO if so? I don't hear that they're particularly effective but it might shock them into behaving. I'm not sure what proof is required to get one. Do you have any of the threat on record - voicemail or anything? Can your wife block their number so OMW can't call?

quote:

People do strange things to avoid what they don't want to know sometimes.

It's interesting how this dynamic seems to work. As a society, I have seen a shift from personal responsibility to placing blame. It's become easier to think that a spouse was unduly influenced by an unscrupulous AP, than to think that they made an adult decision to engage in behaviour that could jeopardize their marriage. It's easy to overlook the fact that the AP has no responsibilty to the BS or the marriage as a whole.

Threats of harm need to be dealt with through the appropriate legal channels immediately.

Good luck.

quote:

I sent a calm and collected email to OMW, cc'd to OM, stating that any further threats or harrassment from either one of them will be reported to the police.

That was a good way to handle it. Well done!

I know it's hard, but it WAS the right thing to do. We'll hope his wife works through this now and is able to focus on her relationship.

OK, now sorry to do this to you TS - I know that what you are going through is very hard - but I need to ask you to remove the threats of violence and harm to the other couple and the namecalling of OM's wife. We strive to keep this environment safe and grounded for everyone. Thank you in advance for editing your post.

Blaming the other person is always the easiest isn't it? It's such a long journey to understand that everyone had a hand in the deception.
GS

quote:

Blaming the other person is always the easiest isn't it? It's such a long journey to understand that everyone had a hand in the deception.

Isn't it funny how that works? My wife directed the majority of the anger at OW. She still harbors a lot of that 5 years later.

I think you could take that a step further and say much of the time the anger is more directed at the women. Take Brad and Angelina for instance - she came out the "home wrecker" in that affair. Brad came out nearly unscathed.

TS, I know it's hard but try to understand and have compassion for OMW. What she's doing is not okay but on the other hand - normal. Other than the reply you sent it;s not your job to engage her. Let her rant, she will calm. No seconds guessing. You did the right thing.

quote:

I can't see any good coming out of it at all.

Lesseee ....

1. I'm pretty sure the risk of the affair restarting is next to 0.

2. Your marriage is more likely to survive if that's the case.

3. Their marriage is more likely to survive because of that -and- because the big pink elephant in the living room is no longer trying to hide under the area rug.

4. You've taken a stand for what is right rather than what is easy. You've faced fear and shame and didn't let them back you down.

That's not to say that exposure is always the correct option. We can talk about when it's not... but right now I'm late for a meeting!

P

quote:

As a society, I have seen a shift from personal responsibility to placing blame.

You know, while I agree with this in general and have noticed it as well - I sort of think with affairs it's been the case for a long time - way before society headed that way. I don't actually have any evidence to support this - I just get the feeling that the 'other party' has always been demonised because it hurts too much to acknowledge betrayal by the person you love. I remember struggling with this when my H had his 'thing'. Logically I blamed him more than her - because HE was the one with responsibility to me, HE was the one who betrayed me. But emotionally... I hated her, and I wanted things to work out with him, so he got forgiveness long before she ever did.

Lordy - she called to congratulate me about the bub the other day (she's now married to H's good friend). I still feel very ambivalent when I talk to her.

Oh Sleepy - just read your bit. I take it back what I said above - I think you're right it's more that anger has for a long time been directed at the woman. Right back from scarlett letter days I guess, and before. Sadly in some cultures it's still acceptable. I read the most horrible story the other day - I won't retell it because it upsets me too much.

quote:

3. Their marriage is more likely to survive because of that -and- because the big pink elephant in the living room is no longer trying to hide under the area rug.

Do you really think that's true Penny? I can think of a lot of examples where it isn't.

Hey TK - how are things?

Hi all,

First post for a while. Things have been... well, better

I've not felt the need to be on here and posting every day, though I have lurked and kept mostly up to date with other threads.

There's been no further contact from OMW since I sent the warning. I guess you all may have been right that her reaction was over the top but would pass.

Funny thing - OM sent my wife and I an email about a month ago demanding that there be no contact with any of his family. What a joke!! He takes three months to finally stop emailing, calling and texting my wife after I, and then W, ask him to stop, and now HE'S trying to establish the ground rules?!?!?!? Give me a break!

Also - contrary to my early insistence that it was not possible (yep stupid me) - W has left the club she played for since she was 4 and now we both play for a different club! We now train together and watch eachother play each week. Lots of benefits - heaps more time together, I'm getting fitter, and OM's left as President of the old club where most members know the essence of what happened.

I no longer doubt the wisdom of exposure. It was tough there for a while, but I know it was the right thing to do. As you said, Penny, the chances of the affair starting up again are drastically reduced now that OMW and many members of the club are aware of it. And OM is no longer getting an easy ride through all this like he was before.

I get triggered less than I used to - though W receiving a text message is still a big one. I can usually let W know when I'm triggered and we work through it together. Whereas before I'd be stuffed for the whole day after a trigger, now I can usually recover pretty quickly and get on with whatever I was doing.

I also went through an anger phase about 2 weeks ago. I felt SO angry at W for what she did - disgusted by it. I felt absolute rage that she would go to such lengths to hurt and deceive me, and then continue to lie to me after d-days 1 and 2. It was tough, but I talked through that with W as well, and I've felt better this past couple of weeks.

One thing that continues to bother me is that W seems to be keeping a timetable on my progress in recovery. Especially when I spoke to her about my anger, she said something along the lines of "I don't think you'll ever be able to get over this." I know where she's coming from - she wants it to get better, quicker. I've told her a thousand times that this is going to take a loooooong time to get over - years, not weeks or months. I'm not sure she fully comprehends that yet. I think she needs to focus on making herself less vulnerable to an affair. Focus on making the marriage stronger. Keep working on figuring out how she let it happen so that she can stop it from ever happening again. She needs to let me get through my anger and hurt - help me when I need it, but let me process it and go through it in my own time. She's not responsible for my recovery, I am.

In a way it makes it a little harder to let her know when I need help, because I get worried that she'll think we're going backwards again. But I've kept doing it. There's no other way.

W's been great with openness and honesty - letting me know where she is and what she's doing. She gave me all her email passwords back on 31 December, and I've felt the need to check them less and less.

Anyways, just letting you all know that I'm still around and dropping through here regularly - but a lot less than I used to need to. I think that's a good thing...

Cheers,

I'm so glad to hear you guys are doing so well TK! I was just wondering yesterday how you were going. All the best!

Hi there, TK! I, too, am glad that you're doing so well.

I think you're right that it takes years to get through something like this. The part you and your dear wife may be forgetting, though, is that these low times are a part of marriage. They're the part where you both grow the most. They're not much fun, it's true, and yet they are necessary so that you can continue to actually -have- a marriage.

And you're absolutely right that you both get to do your own work in making yourselves (and therefore your marriage) stronger. I'm glad you can support each other in that. It's often harder to stand by and watch than it is to be the person doing the work.