I don’t know where to start, really. I learned of my husbands activities near the end of October. It started with the change in his behaviour; his working hours became longer and longer; always getting his voice mail on his cel phone; never knowing what time he was getting home.

I had started documenting the time he was away from home and what he claimed he was doing that kept him away. I expected he was up to something, just never thought it was an affair.

I learned of his affair and confronted him with it. He tells me it started as innocent flirting and the OW took it too far. He tells me (still) that it wasn’t a sexual affair. He told me that he ended it when I found out. It was after I confronted him that I started learning of the lies that he had told me. We agreed to see a marriage councillor and in front of this woman, he swore he would stop all contact with the OW.
As it turned out, the OW is friends with my co-workers girlfriend. Some of the times that my husband would meet with the OW, he was in the company of my co-worker and sooner or later, my co-worker figured it out and was compelled to tell me. By the time my co-worker told me, my husband confessed to seeing the OW once. In truth, my husband was with the OW at least four times. (To my knowledge, all of this happened over a two month period - I think)
I was okay with that, (I’m still believing they haven’t slept together); my husband was away for work one weekend and I discover that the OW was in the same city as he (as it turns out, it is her hometown with family). Once again, I confronted him and he still claims he was alone all weekend. He phoned me on his way home, again saying he was alone. I find out the next day that he dropped the OW off at her friends house (my co-workers girlfriend) on his way home.
I confronted him again. I told him to stop with the lies and I told him to stop all communication with the OW. He told me she needed a ride and he picked her up on his way home. I asked him why he did that, considering his marriage was on the line and he couldn’t answer.

So, in an attempt to keep a long story short, our marriage has been on the rocks for some time. There was an incredible lack of communication on both our parts and I have my ideas as to why he sought attention from another woman (college friend, actually). I am willing to put that behind me. What I am having a difficult time with right now is finding the ability to trust him. He has been home a lot more often that during the affair, and is trying to ‘keep in touch’ when he is out by phoning.
It’s when he isn’t home and/or I can’t reach him on his phone that I start shaking. I start to remember the lies; the few nights he didn’t come home. I start to question, again, who he’s talking to, what he’s doing on him computer (is he talking to her??). If he’s not home by 8pm, I find myself wondering if he’s even coming home. I wonder if, the only reason he’s still with me, is to avoid paying child support or having to find a new place to live.

I’m pretending to trust him (as the marriage councillor told me to do), but how do I control the anxiety? How do I overcome the trust issue, even if I don’t trust him?

Hi Kissy, welcome to SYMC, and sorry for what's brought you here.

Your marriage counsellor has a rather interesting approach, but I'll leave that alone for now...

Do you have access to your H's phone bills and email?

Trust does take time to build and often measures like that can help speed the process...

Hi Kissy,

Glad you found this site, and very sorry for what's brought you here.

Your story is very similar to mine (see 'Not Really Cheating... thread if you're interested), and I know exactly how you feel when H is not around. I still feel that way when my wife isn't near me. Its like a massive panic attack, isn't it.

I don't know the answers to your questions, but one of the experts will be around shortly to offer advice. The only thing I'll say is keep posting, read the replies, and take everything on board. You may not agree with everything people say on here, but its all helpful anyway as it gives you ideas and helps you figure out what you are going to do. Most importantly (I think) is to find ways to communicate your feelings to your H.

My wife and I both sent no contact emails to the OM in the last couple of days, and I feel a whole lot better since then. What steps have you taken to initiate no contact? Is he willing to do it?

Once again I'm sorry for what you're going through. Keep your chin up, make sure you're eating and drinking enough (water that is!), and keep posting!

cheers,

quote:

I’m pretending to trust him

It's kind of hard to "pretend" to trust someone when they've shattered every bit of trust you ever had. Especially in a marriage and it's a very hard thing to rebuild. You will find it's much easier to forgive and much harder to find that trust again.

If your H is committed to rebuilding your relationship, there are things that are going to have to be in place. For one, it is important that he have no contact with the OW no matter what the reason. She needs a ride, call a cab. It might be a good idea for the two of you to send her a no contact letter. There is a template on this site somewhere.

Another thing that I really, really understand is the physical issue you are hearing from your husband. I was in the same place you are, kind of. My H left our marriage to have an affair with a co worker. I came here to SYMC and found a lifeline, and learned many, many things. He was gone from me and our little girl for about 10 months. Around month 7 I saw a change in him and sort of had a feeling that all was not good on the affair front. We decided to reconcile and all the while, from day one of the affair,and after he came back, he swore to me, swore on the life of me, our child and just about anyone else, that he had never slept with this person. Everyone here knew that was highly unlikely, but a part of me wanted so badly to believe him, even though my heart and my gut said something completely different. He had been home a couple of months when I found some things on his computer that suggested what everyone here knew and took me almost a year to catch up with, was true. He finally admitted that he did sleep with her. My heart broke all over again.

I'm not saying your husband is lying to you, but I see many red flags flapping wildly in the wind with what you are being told.

I agree with Mags, you really need to check out cell phone bills and emails and your husband hopefully will agree, since trust has to be rebuilt. He also needs to be completely honest with you in every way. He may be, as my Husband was doing, trying to protect you from further pain and hurt and he may be scared that you will leave if you hear the truth. Funny thing is, it's easier to move forward if the truth is out. It's hard, but it can be done.

So, this Marriage counselor...what's up with that (pretending to forgive) and how do you feel about that? I'm sure you will get a few comments out of that one on here!

Do you trust that this person has your best interest as well as your husbands and your marriage here? I just find that odd that when honesty is most important, this person would want you to be dishonest by pretending ...hmmmm...interesting.

Let me tell you, the therapist my husband was seeing in the beginning, told him immediately, the first visit when H told him he was having an affair, that our marriage was over. Done. Could never be fixed. Now what kind of comment is that for a therapist to make? Because it can be fixed. I have to admit, it is a challenge at times but we are committed to making our marriage work. It's hard, but you have come to the right place. Everyone here will guide you and help you through this.

By the way, how long have you guys been married and how many kids? How are they doing through all of this?

Hi Kissy, welcome to SYMC.

I only have a minute to reply but I'll do my best.

Really what's needed here is not an action from you. This ball needs to be laid in his court. He needs to be 100% transparent with you. Give you access to all emails, phone bills and be available to take your calls 24/7 among other things.

How on-board is he with recovery? Is he doing some of the work? He coul always post here and we could help him rebuild your trust. We even have a private board for the wayward spouse if he feels uncomfortable.

Hi Kissy and welcome to SYMC. Just running through quickly, but had to stop and say a bit.

Sweetie, if your husband didn't come home at night, where in the world do you think he was besides in the other woman's arms and bed? Sigh. Hard though it is to face, and no matter what he's telling you, look at the actions on the ground. Forget the words, because they're unlikely to be at all useful.

And now that you've looked at the facts on the ground, please go get yourself tested for STDs. And then let's talk about how to survive this mess.

*hug*

Hi Kissy,

I want to say, I agree with Sleepy and JustJ.

I've done the STD testing, and, yes, it's icky, but the relief of knowing - either way - is tremendous.

In this very small town, the local medical clinic was the only choice I had for my testing, and I was truly mortified. I told the nurse-practioner about my H's infidelity, and he gave me a hug, and said we were going to treat for all of them, while waiting for results, and the phlebotomist gave me another hug (our sons are on the same sports teams), saying she was so sorry for what I was going through, and the nurse ( a crusty retired military gal) gave me her phone number, and told me to "use it, no matter what time" if I needed someone to talk to.

My point is this: Testing is protecting yourself, and NOBODY will blame you, or treat you badly for checking, it's your health, it's just smart.

Rebuilding the trust is possible, but only if the ws comes clean with the whole truth, and accepts the responsibility for his part of rebuilding that trust. Untill then, well what he says could be true, but verify.

Leastways, that's how I see it.

Wishing you peace,

h2s

We have been together for seven years, married for three, and our daughter is four. Any argument, debate, or discussion has been when our daughter is asleep or away. We both agree that she doesn’t need to hear this. She has ‘clung’ to me in the sense that she will push him away – she, too, has had to adjust to the fact that he isn’t home very often.

He works full time and has a business of his own. He is divorced and has a daughter from his first marriage, who we see about every two to three weeks. I’m not defending him when I say that child support takes a chunk out of his cheque – so his personal business helps with that. His daughter from his first marriage puts a lot of strain on me (I think) in that she’s not too comfortable with me, although I’ve been in her life for seven years (she’s 10 or 11 years). I don’t take that out on her; I’m guessing his ex wife probably has a factor in that.

Add to that (a bit more history here), before our daughter was born, we decided to buy an acreage out of town. Becoming pregnant was always the idea, but after a couple years of negative pregnancy tests, I had pretty much given up. Well, the first weekend we had our house, I became pregnant. When I began parental leave, money became tight, so my H put more effort into his business in an attempt to accommodate this. When I started working again, his business was well grounded; he’d get home around 8 or 9 pm. That became the norm.

Our married life continued that way for a couple of years – I became resentful because he was hardly home, and when he was he’d always find a reason to not help with the ‘chores’. Add to the tension already existing, I work(ed) in a male dominated field (please don’t think I’m being sexist when I say that . . .); I’d get home from work and talk about my day spent with men. My H became jealous and in his insecurities, accused me of having an affair. We got over that, I changed jobs (not specifically for that reason) and our married life continued with communications deteriorating.

As for phone bills and email . . . the phone company we both use doesn’t send call listing anymore; it can be requested, but the monthly bill only shows air time and charges. It was because of his cel phone that I learned of his affair.

He had turned the ring to vibrate (which I thought was odd), but I can still hear it. One night before Halloween, his phone vibrated while he was in the other room. By this time, I was used to hearing “it’s work”, or “someone I don’t know” whenever I asked who was calling. So that night, I picked it up to find out. It was a text message. I proceeded to read the message (my H didn’t know I was answering his phone) and the phrases “I’m sorry”, “I miss you”, and “I love you” kind of jumped out at me. I did manage to read the name and the phone number.

I was in shock. I couldn’t say anything to H. I simply told him that I thought his phone rang and when he looked at his phone, he responded with “no, it didn’t”.

The next morning, while H was in the shower, I found his cel phone and read through his call history (hoping the message was SPAM), but, I found numerous calls to and from.

(I want to keep this post short, but . . )

Because of circumstance, it was two days later before I had the opportunity, or the courage to say anything. I was on my way out the door (to work) when I asked him who {name} was. He casually said someone he met while he was in college, 16 years ago. I pretty much screamed at him when I said “if it was 16 years ago, why is she telling you she loves you NOW.” H attempted to respond, but I stormed out the door.

We met that day for lunch, both agreeing we needed to talk. He admitted to an emotional affair, claiming that he wasn’t sleeping with her; he told me he had only seen her once. He went on to explain that they had a ‘relationship’ that ended mutually, because of employment (different locations). He offered to leave. I told him that I needed time (still do), but I didn’t want him to leave yet.

Leaving out a lot of fluff . . . here is where the co-worker, multiple encounters, and 'ride home' come in.

Since the “ride”, I’ve told him to stop seeing her and stop the lies. I told him that he’s pushed me into a corner and my next (logical) step is to talk to a lawyer.

Has he been working at it??? He’s been home sooner and more often. When he’s not home, he has been phoning to let me know where he is and what he’s doing. His timing has improved drastically (now he’s only 20 minutes late whereas before it was more like 2hrs and 20 min). He is more willing to show me his cel phone – who has called. He’s showing me the text messages he receives. This is where the lack of trust comes in. Cel phone calls and text messages can be deleted at will. Even the name that is displayed on the phone can be edited.

The other night, he was on his laptop. I entered the room and could see the screen. I asked him if he was on ‘Facebook’. He said ‘no’. I told him I could see the screen and I knew that he was. So I asked him who he was typing to. He said (co-workers girlfriend), sent the message and closed the program. When I asked him why he was hiding it, he said because he didn’t want me to ‘freak out’. So I told him that I’d be less likely to ‘freak out’ if he wasn’t trying to hide it from me.

I don’t know if I believe he was talking to co-workers girlfriend. BTW – co-workers girlfriend is someone H went to college with.

My intent is to ask to see his laptop and it’ll have to be spontaneous. If I give him a ‘heads up’, it would give him the opportunity to clean it up. I am trying to be more open with him. I’ve told him that I have good days and I have bad days. He asked me why I would have a ‘bad day’; I told him it’s all the thoughts, memories, and questions floating around in my head that I haven’t come to terms with yet.

Panic attack – definitely! My attempt to contact OW – I sent a text message to her : Did you sleep with him?;
She responded with (text message) “sleep with who? And further more who is this?”
I sent: “H’s wife”.
She came back with a long winded explanation that they were friends and blah blah blah . . but she never answered my question.

As for the pretending to trust him – when the psychologist said this, she implied that I don’t/can’t trust him, but I shouldn’t accuse him every time he walks in the door (or at least that’s what I got from it).

I have told H that pretending to trust him is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I agreed to stop ‘digging’ (interrogating his friends/colleges) as long as he promised me he’d stop seeing her and stop lying. (It’s amazing what one can discover via the internet with a phone number only.)

I have my good days and I have my bad days. Since I read the text message near the end of October I’ve lost 20lbs and my appetite, but I do have a four years old who loves me. No matter what happens between H and me, our daughter comes first (and I’ve told H that until ‘we’ are okay, daughter comes first). I will see a doctor (I phoned and he’s away til next week).

I don’t believe he’s being 100% transparent, maybe around the 87% area (which is a lot better than four months ago), but I will talk to him about it. He tells me he hasn’t seen/heard from OW since he dropped her off two week ago and he ‘implies’ that he has no intention of either. (Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself)

H doesn’t know about this site; I probably will tell him, just don’t know when.

It’s nice having someone(s) to talk with – thank you.

quote:

It’s nice having someone(s) to talk with – thank you.

Oh you are so welcome sweetie. Gosh, each and everyone of us here have been through a version of this on one end or the other and no matter what role we were in, it's never easy.

First off, you need to start taking care of yourself. I lost 50 pounds when I went through this. I have a 7 year old (six when we first started this journey) and it was hard on her as well. These little ones pick up more then you realize. So first off, you need to start taking care of yourself. Eat, make sure you drink lots of water etc. We put a thread on here for that. I think it's under the Daily Grind forum. Take some time for yourself. You have been through such a terrible trauma.

It is very encouraging that your H is stepping up and being somewhat truthful with you, but for recovery, it needs to be 100%. I would suggest you work on him with that. I am in the process myself of working on that with my H. I believe he's being truthful with me..but the transparency lacks a bit here. We will fix that shortly I hope. We have to. No other way to get through this.

Many here have suggested to me a book by Shirley Glass. Not Just Friends. You might want to check into it as well.

I am so happy you found us. You will find so much strength here and wisdom...

Hug that baby girl and keep her close.