My H is addicted to internet porn. After years of going through all kinds of phases, such as blaming myself, working it out, etc., I finally could admit that there is nothing I can do about that as long as he will not admit his addiction and start seeking help. From what I've been reading, first the addiction has to be dealt with before our M can be rebuilt. Thanks, Penny, for helping me with that step.

Still, Penny and I agreed on a 3 month period during which I will follow her advice and do what I can, hoping this will lead to a drastic breakthrough that will be an incentive for H to seek help. I feel that I'm hoping against all odds as I can't see now which incentive would be powerful enough in these 3 months to make him face his addiction. I would be more than happy if this happened but I'm afraid that I would have to leave him with our kids so he's able to see he has to deal with his addiction to save this M.

Don't get me wrong: I don't WANT to leave to punish him or pay back the hurt he caused/causes. I'm hoping for a miracle because I know I CANNOT stay with him as it is now, nor can I have him be a role model for our sons like that.

Now here comes my problem: Three months is an awfully short time considering I wouldn't be moving down the road but back to my parents to my homecountry (for those who know me from MB, you might remember we just moved here to a new country, which meant to me leaving my whole support system and a secure job behind). I feel I can't wait through the whole 3 months and then just up and leave. I feel I have to prepare our life for the time after leaving. Most of all, I'd really like to find out about my job. I know I will have one, but I think I would have to give them notice pretty soon that I'll be back for the new school year, not after the 3 months are over. Being a teacher, they have to assign me to a school. Not to mention preschool and daycare for the boys and finding a place to live.

I feel horrible, guilty, disloyal to start planning and getting things organized like that while still in the "Try everything" three months. But I have to if I want to be able to actually leave after this time if nothing changes.

I guess I'd just like to hear from you that I have the right to do this, to prepare for the worst case, that I'm not contradicting my determination to try everything first and then leave.
But if you think differently, then I'd like to hear that, too.

Thanks for reading all the way through.

GLB

I think it is always smart to have an alternate plan. Although we all want our marriage to work, it helps to also consider the possibility that it may not. This is just part of taking good care of yourself.

So expect a miracle, but also get your affairs in order, just in case.

The problem is that if you don't plan these things, you cannot do it when the time comes. Most addiction situations require a Protection Phase. I wish it weren't so, but infidelity, addictions, and abuse seem to be situations where Protection Phase becomes paramount. Not always, but usually.

That doesn't mean it has to be that way. My H went to anger management and came home when he moved out, all without needing a Protection Phase.

At the time that my H was not living at home, I was counselling with Jennifer Harley Chalmers through MarriageBuilders - and YES - Protection Phase (what MB terms Plan B) was planned, the letter written, etc in the event that I should need to go. I was 1 day away from it, too.

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met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Recovered

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. - Albert Einstein

It isn't what is done to us that defines us, it is how we respond to it. - Takola

Thank you!

I feel better now about doing all the planning, still hoping I won't need it.

I have two kids to take care of, too, so a planning phase is so necessary before we leave.

I still can't believe I have to actually do all this.

GLB