Welcome justwokeup.

I'd like to suggest that you copy/paste your post into a brand new thread. There's a lot of stuff in it and I'd like to see it get the attention that it deserves....so that you can get what you need from SYMC.

Sorry that this will be short and maybe choppy because I don't have much time.

I guess that it will be shorter than I thought because I can't remember what questions to ask to get you started on a history that will give pertinent information. Don't worry....others who are really good at this stuff will be along, probably after the weekend mostly. I just didn't want your post to sit with no response.

In the meantime, read some of the links on the site. There's also a thread that Tiggy made that has lots of threads linked in it. I'll bump it up for you.

Take care

Hi Spidey We were posting at the same time....you're faster than I am.

This is my first post ever. But this is the message that resonates the most with me. After reading through the site and the village posts I realize that I did everything wrong- it's not like you get a lesson on this at marriage school. My wife of 22 years has betrayed me twice, once after 5 years, once about 2 years ago. Both one time flings, both oral sex in a car. She confessed both, tearfully asking forgiveness. The first ended immediately. The second lasted over a year as "just friends", but with personal contact and secretive phone calls. You'd call it an EA I guess.He moved away after a year and that effectively ended it. I handled it according to the BS "script"- all wrong. She followed the WS script all the way too. Anyway, while I don't feel we've done things totally right, we are getting along and getting better as time wears on, and I'm trying to be the better husband. But to avoid faltering and screwing up, I'd really like to get help from Penny. But--- I'm afraid. Afraid of bringing it up, afraid for all the reasons you list. I see us still in recovery mode, but I thinks she'll freak at that notion, continuing the "stop dwelling on it, it's long over, what's your problem, deal with it, you're just ruining things by bringing it up" rant. I'm sure you know what I mean. In many ways I think we're both still in that fog, but while things are realatively calm maybe this is a good time for some good coaching. Yes?

quote:

but while things are realatively calm maybe this is a good time for some good coaching. Yes?

I would say that if you sought out this sight, and have read it, and this resonates with you ~ then yes, it is time for coaching.

Remember, you can only control you.

Hi Gregory,

I am glad you're here, and I really sorry for the reasons you are, but it's a good place to be, a good place to find healing.

I would suggest you start a new post of your own, so that you get the attention from the others that you need.

Having said that, yeah, I know the "stop dwelling on it, it's long over" script, and the fear that comes from bringing it all up - rocking the boat, as it were. Guess what? Rocking the boat is NOT the same as tipping the boat over, and a little rocking, that leads to a recovered marriage is not a bad thing, for that marriage...

The thing that's not good for marriage, is being unrecovered; which can, and often does, lead to more infidelity.

Gregory, I strongly suggest that you call Penny! I don't even think you need to tell your W first. Call Penny, and let her know what's going on - and what isn't - and let her advise you on what's next. Penny's VERY good at what she does, I know this from personal experience.

Take care, and maybe think about starting your own post?

Peace,

h2s

Hi Gregory! Welcome to SYMC and I hope you can find the help you need here.

Yes, this is a good time for the two of you to get some coaching. My own suspicion is that you need it because of underlying things in the marriage that existed long before the affair -- things that all couples face and have to deal with. Some of those will be your own internal "stuff," and some will be her internal "stuff," and some will be the things that happen in the dynamics between people.

Because of that, I would probably approach it a little differently than you may have thought of so far.

You want to improve your marriage, yes? Well, why not consult a coach to see what -you- can do to further your own development as a husband?

I just want a happier, more fulfilling, more affectionate and safer marriage to the only woman I've ever loved. Yet I feel like I'm in it alone because my wife feels fine the way things are. Rather than needing recovery and rebuilding, she denies that there were any underlying marital reasons for the A, that although she never wants to do it again there is nothing that could prevent it, and that if I can't accept the way things are then I should just leave her. I tried to explain what I'd read here about how honesty, accountability, mutual agreement and fulfilling each other's needs could make us even better than before, but that a pro could make it easier and help show us the way. Her response: But I'm FINE with how things are, I don't WANT any better. I don't want to have to DO anything. Take me or leave me if you're so unhappy.
It's so sad and discouraging. I asked about what she thought of the articles here. As soon as she saw the word infidelity-->delete!
You say it's not the A that kills marriages, it's the lack of effort afterward. That scares me. This is one of those cases where the A kind of died an inevitable natural death, and now she finds herself still married to me, but I've still got "issues" and won't just ignore the whole thing. I'm going on and on...sorry. Anyway, she says go ahead and call Penny myself for help- if that'll stop me from "harping on her". Thank you all.

Hi Gregory,

just wanted to reiterate that it is the lack of effort after the A that kills the marriage--- I know just how scary that is, since I was there myself. I think it's great that you have done so much valuable reading here...and I wish I could give you something more in the way of substantial advice. In my marriage I was the one who had the A-- (six weeks) however, prior to the A my H would always say exactly what your wife says to you "I'm happy the way things are, you are the unhappy one, you gotta take it or leave it--- it's up to you".....I don't know if that's just an unwillingness to explore in the relationship--- or if that person really is happy and feels that since they are u should be too. All I can say is that it seems that you are doing your best to save your marriage, and that is wonderful.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you all very much. I did consult Penny and we've had our initial session. I also started my own post at your suggestion, and I'll stick to that one from here on.
Again, thanks.

bump

bumping for tina

bumping for CTJ.

Bump