Hi, I disappeared for awhile, adjusting to life on my own. My husband and I, still living 600 miles apart, have been talking, seeing each other every month and even took a trip together. He was involved with a co-worker and told me they had separated in Sept./08. He has been talking about coming to be with me, professing his love and making comments that he was leaving his job soon. This has been 15 months of hell. I found out two weeks agao, after some gut feelings, that he never left the other woman. He continued to deny anything going on and I actually wrote his boss (the girl's mother) to get the truth. He still does not take full responsibility for his actions and although he has been spending time with this woman and having sex with her, he says he loves and misses me. This was another one of many times that he was "just about ready" to leave and come back, about the 6th time since Sept. He got angry at me for digging and looking for the truth, truely shocked that I had not believed him when all signs were pointing to infidelity. He later told me that his biggest fear was for me to find out the truth after he had moved here and that I would kick him out.

So, I ask for the wisdom of everyone out there-why do I even consider taking him back, does a man who involves himself in a situation like this deserve a second chance? He said, with no hesitation, that he deserves a chance. I am angry and confused. How far does one go to fulfill their marriage vows, where does self love begin if I allow this man to continue to be a part of my life? Can he really give up the relationship that he has been involved in secretly for over a year? HELP! Thank you.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: rebirth,

rebirth,

Welcome back. Sorry to hear about the continued struggles. I seem to be hearing in your post the internal struggle and pain you are feeling as you consider your situation and possible paths on your journey. It truly is amazing how we can still feel the love and attachment to those that have hurt us so much.

To answer your question of your subject, not exactly but you situation has lots of similarities other relationships that are struggling to overcome infidelity.

The things your H told you about the blame and the fear are not unusual. It's founded in his own core hurts.

Second chances? He deserves a chance? He certainly can have strong feelings and attachment for you but he can't be allowed to continue to cause you this pain. The next step is to define the boundaries you going to put in place. What sort of accountability is there going to be? You don't sound like you are in such a different place from last October when you posted about this. What have you done differently since then?

The self love begins with you. You can look inside and find it but I know when you are hurting like this, it is very diffcult. Are you respecting yourself?

I'm really sorry about the situation. I know it is painful. It is possible that your H will give up the relationship but it's going to take some work from both of you. I'd recommend that you also go back and reread some of the replies you received last October. There's lots of good advice there.

How are you doing otherwise? Getting enough sleep? Eating well?

HoFS