I learned of my husband's affair five months ago. It was unbelievably traumatic for a variety of reasons"”the affair itself and the circumstances surrounding the discovery. We have been married 10 years, with two children.

I decided to delay making a decision about the marriage until I was less emotional. Some time has passed now, and I am feeling better emotionally. The anger and hurt is less raw. I am still not sure I want to stay in the marriage.

I am in therapy, and my husband and I go to therapy as well. We are trying to work through the issues, but I have yet to talk about my situation with anyone who has also experienced infidelity. I am looking for a group to share my story, hear other stories, and learn how to recover from this traumatic event.

Right now I am struggling with the images of my husband and another woman. Do those images ever go away? How do other people deal with them? Do these thoughts interfere with rebuilding the marriage? My thoughts bring back the hurt and anger and remind me of the betrayal. I'd like to find a way to deal with these thoughts while honoring myself. Any ideas??

quote:

I am looking for a group to share my story, hear other stories, and learn how to recover from this traumatic event.

Oh, you have found the right group!!!

Yes, we have all dealt with, are dealing with, the issues you bring up with mental images and intruding thoughts. And you are also very wise with understanding you must honor yourself.

Could you give us more details about the particulars? What major hurtles you are trying to overcome specifically?

Spidey

Hi justlearning and welcome to SYMC. We're really sorry for the circumstances that led you here but glad you found the Village. You've found a good place to share and find support.

Discovery is incredibly traumatic and your experiences are not unexpected. How would you describe your relationship with your H now? How were you assured that the affair ended? Is there accountability in place?

Different people have different experiences with the flashbacks and images. I'm sure mine lasted a couple of years. I really wasn't getting good advice on getting grounded. For me, it took some learning about compassion. I think the images tended to get smaller after that until I didn't see them any longer.

Have you talked with your therapist about your symptoms being similar to those of post traumatic stress syndrome? What about anti-depressants? These could help stabilize things for you.

Your post reminds me of that posted by another Villager, Lanny. There is some advice for a similar situation on the link here, link to Lanny's thread

Good luck. Remember to take good care of yourself too. Eat well, sleep well, etc.

HoFS

Hi, justlearning! Welcome to our little Village.

A couple of questions, if you don't mind:

How did you discover the affair?

Has your H ended the affair and all contact with his AP (affair partner)?

Is your therapist well versed in helping folks impacted by infidelity?

Look forward to hearing more from you. You'll probably find quite a few folks on tomorrow (and possibly tonight) who will probably be posting to you, but word of warning: it gets pretty quiet here on weekends, so if you don't get a lot of response over the weekend, it is just a normal pattern. A few of us check in periodically over the weekend to make sure there is no one who is in real desperate need of help and support.

Hi and welcome to SYMC...

You have definatly come to the right place! I would not be where I am in R without this wonderful group!

Hang in there...lotsa HUGS

Discovery: I received an anonymous letter at my work from the AP's husband. It was graphic, hurtful, scary, and full of vengeance. The letter was followed by harassment, at work and home, to the degree that we had to hire a lawyer to get him to stop. (I still fear something else will happen.) I confronted my husband when I received the first letter, and he confirmed the affair. The affair lasted nearly three years. He claimed it ended several months before I received the first letter. H has agreed to not contact the AP and will tell me if she contacts him. I find it hard to believe him. Is that normal? There is nothing to corroborate his claims. He has been reluctant to discuss the affair or how it ended. He is resistant to accountability, but does occasionally show me personal credit card statements and cell phone bill. He texts me during the day to tell me where he is (however, this is inconsistent). I feel suspicious because all of these things can easily be "worked around" (e.g. another phone, text from anywhere).
Our relationship now is tentative. We are living together, we try to spend time together without the children, but it is often strained. Our communication is better than it was before DDay, but not enough to facilitate a lot of intimacy. We are working toward it through our therapy.
My therapist is not especially well-versed in recovery from infidelity. However, she is very good at helping us better understand ourselves and develop communication skills. We have developed a good rapport with her, and my husband has become comfortable with her (which is saying a lot). We discussed changing therapists, but ultimately decided to stick with her for the reasons mentioned above. I've been taking anti-depressants for four months, and it has helped immensely.
The major hurdles at the moment are communication and compassion for each other. I find it hard to feel compassionate toward someone who hurt me so deeply. I'm trying to become more enlightened.
Glad to know the images fade over time. Right now it feels like it never will. I'd like to get these out of my mind so I can give my marriage every possibility to succeed. When I have these thoughts, it feels like the betrayal will never end. I get discouraged.
Thanks for all the kind words. It feels like I have found the right place!

I am so sory for the reasons that brought you here, however, you have indeed come to a great place.

I can tell you only from my own experience that the images do lessen over time and with healing, I am almost 8 months out and rarely have those images any more. They do still exist I just dont allow them to enter.

As for his consistency and accountability I am far from one of the pros around here and dont want to mislead you, but I did want you to know that we are out here and you are not alone.

Please keep reading and posting and try not to get discouraged.

Sending you lots of well wishes!!!

justlearning..

Welcome to our village.. though the reasons you got here are sad for sure..

Your feelings and emotions are very VERY normal, so don't think they are not..

I'd like to direct you for some reading to help you along with HoFs suggestion of Lanny's Thread.
This is listed on the Main forum page here:
http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...873/m/1491052752/p/1

All sorts of things to look thru there.

I'm glad you are both in therapy and working on communication skills. Thats a biggie. Accountability and revealing the details of the affair, as painful as it is to hear about are probably the two biggest thing that could help you as the betrayed spouse (BS).. You do need to know that for the wayward spouse (WS) bringing that stuff up for you is as painful to them, just for different reasons. It brings up all the guilt associated with the affair. And knowing that it will hurt you to hear it makes it difficult to talk about as well.

Keep posting.. and yes, it does get quiet on the weekends, but someone will check in on you for sure.

Loui

Hi JL,

You are at the worst part of it all. I'm so sorry. I won't sugarcoat. It does get better, but it is a very painful process. You need a plan, and lots of information. The good news: You found SYMC! And - The the personal growth you can experience through this nightmare can benefit you no matter the outcome of your marriage. You will naturally feel hurt and angry and bitter, but in time, hopefully will learn that's a choice too. You can become more conscious, more aware of your values and your choices, and become more compassionate towards yourself and others.

Unfortunately, I didn't do this work initially just because I wanted to grow as a person. It took experiencing catastrophic betrayal, shock and trauma. I've felt rage, hurt, emotional volatility I never knew I was capable of. I was dragged through this adventure, kicking and screaming. Much of the pain I brought on myself, but I had to go through it to come out the other side. I am still in the healing process - I think it's a lifelong journey. I miss the naivety I had, but I am glad I have found my own reality and strength.

You've experienced real victimization. You were abused, risked and defrauded by your intimate life partner, your best friend, and potentially had your health compromised. Your horror is certainly valid and horribly unjust, and the first work I had to do was find a way to stop being a victim. For me, that was all about full disclosure. Learning the full truth about my reality was essential for my healing to start. Tragically for us both, it took 3 years and a polygraph to hear the whole story and actually begin true relationship recovery. This is an extreme case. I just don't want it to be yours.

It sounds as if you are seeing a T who is also seeing your H. I would try to find someone just for you right now, in your area that knows about PTSD and infidelity. He should find his own support as well. There's a private board here for him. Sharing and couples work can come later.

Here's what I worry about for you. The longer you are in a situation where you continue to find out traumatizing information, the harder it will be to rebuild a healthy relationship with your H. If he hasn't talked about it, you can be relatively sure there are some land mines out there. Full disclosure ASAP is the best way take care of yourself and to avoid false recoveries. False recovery breeds PTSD, and intense resentment over lies, time invested, etc. I'm sure your H will hold back info, believing it is in your best interests, so you are not hurt anymore. He needs to learn that his telling isn't whats traumatic, it's the original behavior and choices he made. Your learning the truth is one consequence of his original choices. His guilt and shame are another. The truth is, when you do find out more, you will be put back emotionally to d-day, only worse. There are many betrayed spouses that have had to start fro scratch over and over again because their spouses held back information and kept secrets, not to mention continued contact. I'm sorry to worry you, but I want you to understand the nature of the beast.

I also wanted to make a couple of rather delicate suggestion.
1. Please get checked for STDs. I know, ouch, but it's really important.
2. Please look at the no-contact letters on this site.
3. I would suggest you download and read Penny's e-book. The link is at the top of this page. Getting educated will help you get your personal power back. Something awful was done TO you and the sooner you start making healthy choices for yourself, the better you will feel.

This may be too much information for you right now. Penny was for me, the best person to help me understand the nuts and bolts of personal and couples recovery after infidelity.
4. It would be a great investment in your healing to speak with her at least a few times to form a reality based plan and a strategy.

Best of luck. Yes. I am with my H. We are discovering what a real relationship / marriage is. We are in very positive and healthy place for the first time in 26 years. You'll get great support here from people who are at all dealing with the same stuff, on both sides of the journey. It's a very positive place actually. I'm sorry if my post hurt you. It comes from a good place. Take care.

Lily

quote:

It sounds as if you are seeing a T who is also seeing your H. I would try to find someone just for you right now,

I am seeing a therapist on my own and he does as well. We also go together to a different therapist.

quote:

I also wanted to make a couple of rather delicate suggestion.
1. Please get checked for STDs. I know, ouch, but it's really important.
2. Please look at the no-contact letters on this site.
3. I would suggest you download and read Penny's e-book. The link is at the top of this page. Getting educated will help you get your personal power back. Something awful was done TO you and the sooner you start making healthy choices for yourself, the better you will feel.

Thank you for all the suggestions. While they are yucky things to have to deal with, it is reality. All tests have been done, he has agreed to no contact, and I will take a look at Penny's book. Thanks for the feedback!

Latest hurdle: H must go out of town for business next week. This will be his first trip away from home since DDay. I feel anxious about it. He has told me he feels anxious about how I am going to react. He has given me his hotel information and flight details. Any other ideas about how I can reassure myself while he is away?

Well, it's totally understandable you would be anxious. Your trust has been shattered, and there's no good reason for you to trust him yet.
It's good that he is anxious too, based on care for you (not about him.)

Any way possible for you to come? That would be my first choice.

Can he come up with some ideas that may be helpful to you both? I might request he come up with some creative ideas of ways to reassure you that he's alone, as in: always available, transparent, kind, curious about you, and verbose.

Thats a toughie. Try to stay busy - plan fun things-distractions. Good luck.

Hi...my honest to goodness first thought was can you go out of town with him?? Serves dual ourposes, your comfortable knowing he is with you and you can also us eit as a A free zone to reconnect and spend time with each other without your normal day to day around...

How you feeling today??

Wow, I am right there with you in everything. I am 14 months in now and doing pretty good with a marriage I wish I had for 28 years. Anyway, about the videos, they sneak up on me also. Sometimes when I first wake up or just watching something on TV. I decided I would control them instead of letting them control me. One of the things I have done is change whatever I am doing at the time they pop in to my head. I have even gotten up in the middle of the night and ran the sweeper or read a good novel. I know this isn't always possible to do, but just try doing anything besides sitting there and letting the video's continue at that moment. This works pretty good most of the time except when he wants to get intimate. That is still a HUGE problem for me. My H had a ONS in a hotel so the bed issue brings it back every time. For the first several months we did it anywhere but in the bed which was good for me because I knew they did not do it there. It felt like every time we had sex, she was there also. In my head I kept thinking, "this is what she saw, felt, tasted, smelled, etc. That is getting better but not gone yet. My H is so understanding and is willing to do anything to help me get over this. We have a wonderful marriage in every aspect except in bed. I have very little desire for sex which makes me feel guilty but he is understading. It doesn't help that he chose to do this during menopause, HAHA. Anyway, I understand completely what you are saying, after a while you just have to trust what he tells you or you will drive yourself crazy wondering. If my H proves to me I can't trust him, he knows he is outa here. There are a few slip up with him but he can't change over night and I am being patient because he has proven he is totally dedicated to US! Time is the best thing for me now. Hope some of this helps.

Hello all,

I have been the wayward H and displayed all the characteristics described in these posts. I told my W of my A in November, only part of the truth. The full truth came out in March. My W stayed about one month past that and is now living alone.

My W and I are working with Penny separately. Penny has been a godsend form me. I believe also for my wife.

As the straying partner, I want to know what my W is going thru. She does not open up in this matter with me... very guarded still. It helps me to read what each of you feel or have felt in the past.

The good news from these posts is that we may recover... by being honest with ourselves, each other and most importantly being COURAGEOUS. Right now we date and correspond by e-mail, phone or text. Our most recent "date" was very enjoyable... It reminded her of the fun we used to have and brought to mind the significant fun things we have shared. Those thoughts painted over the thoughts of my actions. I believe she is starting to have some clarity of how much we mean to each other. Time and courage will determine our future and for all of you here.

Peace to All

So..JL..

What do you think about what Stevenkd posted here? How do YOU feel about the date? the progress?

Loui

Stevenkd, I hope that someday your W will be able to open up more with her feelings with you, I'm sure she will when she sorts them out but they can change from minute to minute. Be prepared to witness emotions from her your not going to like on certain days. Mine fluctuated between anger and hurt in an instant for quite a long time. I still do not feel to much sympathy for him when he is hurting, maybe this is normal. Anyway....My H and I stayed together, never seperated buy still "dated" to get us back to why we are married. It was great because he actually put thought in to it which he never did before. The little romantic things he has never been good at meant so much. I started saving the little notes, special CD he made with love songs, candles he made, (hokey but meaningful) as a reminder of the good time we had. However, now when I listen to that CD, it takes me back with mixed emotions. It was a fantastic night but it reminds me of why it took place also. So it is a fine line sometimes for me. We've been married for 28 years now and know we want to stay together so whatever we have to do to get through this will be worth it. We are now back to our comfort zone with each other and I can say there have been a few days now in the last year that I haven't thought about it. That is a mile stone for me. Romance her, get books for ideas, step out of your comfort zone to show her you want to be with only her now. Show her your remorse, don't be afraid to cry. Maybe you've done all these things but seeing his guilt did wonders for me. The most important thing I did was ask God to "let me love my H like he loves him" and it worked. We went to a MC and it helped a lot with my unrealistic thoughts regarding truths and fiction. I had a real hard time understanding why he did it in the first place. It was very hard to accept the truth but I am getting there. Anyway....don't give up if this is what you want and above all, never take her for granted. It can work out and be a marriage dreams are made of. Time is our best friend now and I can't wait to spend the rest of mine with him.

Sorry for the extended quiet period. Completely swamped by end of school and kids-home-for-the-summer stuff.

quote:

What do you think about what Stevenkd posted here? How do YOU feel about the date? the progress?

I like the idea of "dating" your spouse. It sounds like a good way to reconnect and spend time together in a non-threatening way. My H and I are still living together and "dating" hasn't been regular. I think he is reluctant to spend time with me. I don't know. Every time we have gone out, it has been at my suggestion--except once for a work function for him. We have gone out a few times without the kids. Sometimes it is successful, sometimes it is strained. I would love for us to have a regular "date night" and go out and talk like friends without feeling awkward, uncomfortable, having flashbacks, whatever. I would love for him to ask me out, make all the arrangements, etc like a real date.

Stevenkd:

quote:

As the straying partner, I want to know what my W is going thru. She does not open up in this matter with me... very guarded still.

It is hard for me to trust my H and anything he says to me. Patience and understanding from him will help make me feel safer in expressing my feelings. Another very important thing for me is understanding how my H feels. I like when Lanny said it helped to see his guilt. As the BS, it is hard to remember that the WS has feelings too. And the BS can't even begin to imagine what those feelings are--so the more talking the better. Hope that helps!

Today, I am struggling with my H reluctance to be open with me. Lately he has seemed distant, we aren't talking much, and not spending much time together. I'd like to have complete access to each other's lives--i.e. emails, passwords, phones, etc. Today, when I asked to see his emails, he didn't want me to look. When I pressed, he agreed. He didn't want me to read the content of the emails however. So I can look and see if there has been contact with the AP, but can't read any of his emails. I am uncomfortable with this. What do others think? Should I accept this? I feel like I'd like to read the emails he exchanged with the AP, H is adamantly opposed. Friends also agree that I should spare myself the heartache. I'm confused. I want to know there are not going to be any "land mines" in my future (thx lily for the reference). I want to know what i am dealing with here. How did he feel about her? What was the relationship like? What kinds of things did they do together? How were they keeping it from the spouses? SInce H can't or won't answer these questions for me, maybe I can surmise the answers by learning about their relationship. I'd REALLY like to understand why H is so reluctant to discuss A and have me learn about the details. Any WS out there want to give me a different perspective?

I'm confused. I am tired of living with the frustration and anxiety about what happened. Does it ever go away? Why can't I move on?

quote:

He didn't want me to read the content of the emails however. So I can look and see if there has been contact with the AP, but can't read any of his emails.

Hi JL

Are you saying there are new, current, emails from the AP? (????)

P

No new emails. THese are emails from as far back as 2005 that he has kept. He says he doesn't want to delete them for legal reasons. And he does have reason to do so--remember the harrassment I mentioned? She has accused my H of harrassing her, when in fact the opposite is true. The OW's husband has been harrassing us. Anyway, I understand why he still has them, but should I read them old emails now? I feel so confused and discouraged and I feel like I will never get past this.

Ah. I see. Whew!!

What he really needs to do is make at least two hard copies of all emails -- showing full headers. One copy should go to his attorney and another into something like a safe deposit box. At that point he could delete them.

And yes, you have a right to read them if it is important to you. Denying you that allows him to, yet again, share something with her (the truth about what they wrote to each other) to the exclusion of you. It's still a secret they share.

What I'm wondering, though, is how do you KNOW she harrassed him and not the other way around? Simply because he says so without independent verification? Might be that's why he's so reactive to the idea of you reading the emails.

Any way you slice it ... it's not you or your marriage he's protecting by denying you access - it's himself and his relationship with her.

P