I went to my myspace page today and OM had requested me as a friend. I waited till dh got home showed him and then denied it and blocked him. I thought he was already blocked. Dh and I have been doing really well. Dh said this has set him back. He wants to know why he is contacting me. I have no clue. This is the first time he has tried to contact me since I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I've told dh I will send a no contact letter. I will do whatever I have to to save our marriage. Just earlier today before this happened dh told me that he was seeing his wife coming back. Things have been going really really well. Now, I'm here in tear, dh is in the bedroom. He is distant and very short with me.

What do I do? I will send a no contact letter. Can it just say don't contact me again I am working on my marriage, I love my husband very much. I don't have his home address, How can I send it text? e-mail? I have no intention of having any communication with him what so ever. I will do the no contact letter.

I just don't know what to do to help dh through this. He is soooo distant right now..

Just breath for a little bit and try to stay calm.

So I wonder if, just for the moment, you can let it be okay that you are in tears and your husband is distant. Gather your strength, comfort yourself, get some grounding then think about what you can do.

I don't know how to answer your question as to what to do but I sense some desperate feelings in your post - and I do understand those feelings. However, I know in my own experience I make far better choices when I take some time to gather some perspective.

I know this may sound simple but try to get some sleep and look at things again after some rest on a full tummy.

And lastly
I know it all hurts.

How are you this morning? Were you able to take any of Tig's (perfect) advice?

P

Checking in with you this morning. How are you doing?

It was a very loooong night. Lots of talking lots of crying. He is still very distant. It's like he just found out all over again.

I still don't know what to do. I want NOTHING to with OM at all.

I hate mnyself so much. I can't undo what I did. My marriage will never be ok. Dh will never look at me with that i'm so inlove with you look again. I destroyed him, I destroyed our family and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I can't believe how selfish and immature I was.

quote:

It was a very loooong night. Lots of talking lots of crying. He is still very distant. It's like he just found out all over again.

I always found *those* nights exhausting and healing at the same time.

quote:

I still don't know what to do.

Be there for him as much as you can. Continue to be honest. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself rested and fed - really helps energy levels (and perspective) if you aren't sleep-deprived and starving. One other thing - I believe many who have had an affair want to *fix* it quickly so to speak because it is hard on them and hard to watch their spouse hurt so much. Giving patient loving support is the best way I think, rather than hoping to say or do the right thing to make it all right again.

It seems to me that often when something like this sets the clock back so to speak, the spouse who had the affair feels despair that all is lost and feel their shame even more intensely than the first time around. And at the same time the spouse who didn't have the affair feels the healing wound was ripped open again. I believe it is important to remember that while this is very painful for both of you - all is likely NOT lost, healing will likely resume and may even be deepened by the experience. It may be painful to live through this fallout but be patient with yourself and him.

I don't want to quote your last paragraph but want to ask you a question. Is that you talking or is that your shame talking? Healing shame is hard work but the first step, in my mind, is to know that beating yourself up will not help any healing - yours, his or your marriage. I vote for going a little easier on yourself right now and recognizing you aren't the same woman who had an affair. You are living by your values and making efforts to heal yourself, your marriage and support your husband.

Oh Stuck, don't beat yourself up like that. You've made mistakes in the past but you did so well with this - you were honest with DH regardless of the consequences to yourself and how difficult it would be - that's a really fantastic thing. Don't sell yourself short. As Tiggy said - you are not who you were. There are just still some wounds to heal. Hopefully your H can see that they are old wounds - still need time to heal them, but I hope that he can appreciate how well you are doing.

How are you doing?

I am doing ok.

Last night we were laying down and dh said I have been distant since I got the friend request. I tried explaining to him that I am trying to find the balance between allowing him to work through his feelings and deal with things and be there for him without smothering him. It's a hard balance to find.

he asked if I sent a no contact letter. I told him no, because we had not talked about how and all of that. I would not do it without him reading it first and being there with me when I send it. I asked where to send it since I don't have an address. Then we talked about whether it's better to just ignore the request (I blocked him completely) and not respond in any way and maybe he will realize I have no desire to have any contact with him.

I can send the letter I have no problem with it at all. I just want to work with dh on this and do what we think is best together.

I am still having a very hard time liking myself. I hate what I have done. I feel awful. I wonder if dh will ever look at me like he used to. Will we ever be able to put this completely behind us...

Hi -

Hang in there. I'm greatly encouraged. You describe a couple that's been hurt, is not expecting a 'miracle in a day', and are communicating periodicaly, but not all day every day.

I think you're doing fine.

It sounds as if you've come to grips with your actions and are open to any remediation you can do.

Give yourself a break. Treat yourself well. I can tell you it hurt seeing my wife hate/hurting herself. You'll be more fun and more attractive to spend time with.

All the best.
SeekingBetter (going offline for several weeks).

quote:

Will we ever be able to put this completely behind us...

I don't think we ever put it completely behind us....and that's okay depending on how you deal with it. Nearly 5 years out for us now and if it's ever brought up - it's my wife playfully teasing me about it. She rarely triggers into a place of pain and I never revisit the place of self loathing. It's something that never completely leaves but it also never causes us harm if that makes sense.

You haven't posted in awhile T, and aside from this latest contact caused by someone else (maybe it's time to delete facebook and myspace accounts?), you guys seem to be in a much better place. Keep up the good work and don't expect too much too soon. Healing takes years - not months. It's worth the effort.

p.s. I would encourage you to write a NC letter and yes your instinct is correct - do it together.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sleepy~SYMC,