|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Quick Click: |
|
|||||||||
|
|
Go
|
New
|
Find
|
Notify
|
Tools
|
Reply
|
|
|
Villager |
I have been having an a for 6 months with someone I became obsessed with a year prior. He is the sexiest man alive! I am sooooo in love with him! I have NEVER experienced the feeling of exctacy, love and intimacy like I do with him. He is so easy to talk to, I LOVE his voice, I Love his wisdom and I love just hanging out with him. He is smart, sexy as hell, has a great job, would marry me the instant I was "single".
My affair was exposed 3 months ago, my husband of 10 years was of course devastated, but not completely suprised. We have two beautiful children (3 and 5 1/2). Since the exposure my husband and I tried to work it out, but he went a little crazy on me. We have now been separated for 2 months and I have been living with the OM part time and dating. My husband has filed for divorce and I am trying to think realistically on the effects of the children, family and friends. I am not in love with my husband, it has been this way for a few years. I can't imagine EVER having sex with him again. But, I think I know staying with him is best for me long term. The thought of ending my affair puts me in a complete panic, I tried when it was first exposed and I couldn't get out of bed for two days. How can I bare the pain again??? I LOVE HIM! I NEED HIM! I feel like I can't live without ever feeling the way I feel when I am with him. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
||
|
|
Founding Member / Pioneer Villager SYMC Moderator |
Good Morning SSS
 and welcome to SYMC. You have found yourself in a great place where we believe that ALL marriages can survive a partner's infidelity and grow stronger for it. I have taken the liberty of moving your thread to a more appropriate place. There is more traffic on the INFIDELITY forum than in the GET STARTED HERE forum. First of all Have you read thru the materials found on the main body of this site? I am sure you will find it to be very useful as well as insightful. Also, feel free to read thru other threads here at the village. Each and everyone of us has been touched by infidelity in one form or another, either as the betrayed spouse or the wandering spouse. Secondly tell us more about you and your situation so that we can better help you. How old are you and your husband? How many times has either of you been married? Are there children from previous relationships involved? Are either you or your husband in therapy/counseling/support group? I applaud you decision to keep you marriage intact, and though it may not seem as though your marriage can be all that you feel you want and need RIGHT NOW, it can be. But more on that later. Lets first get you to a point where you can break contact once and for all with you affair partner. Yes, SSS you CAN bare the pain of No Contact with the OM again, and we here at SYMC can help you to find YOUR inner strength and peace to help with that. And hugs to you, breaking off with any other human with whom we feel we are connected can cause feelings of panic. I have included a link to a wonderful meditation, it is calming and grounding. It may be useful to practice it starting as soon as you can so that when you feel panicked in and around your situation, you can better center yourself and think clearly. finding your heart meditation and worksheet SSS, we here at SYMC are here with you and for you thru this. hugs to you and your precious family  Hypatia This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hypatia_SYMC, courage = fear + action |
|||
|
|
Villager |
Welcome to SYMC you will find some great advice here as well as wonderful help.
Congrats on making the first step in asking for help.  Keep reading and posting... LOVE IS AN IDEAL THING ; MARRIAGE A REAL THING! |
|||
|
|
Villager |
While I have not been in your shoes, I am wondering why you thing staying with your H is the best thing for you long term? Of course he went a little crazy, we all do when were on that end of an A, but it sounds like he must have some good qualities if you think you shuold stay with him. Your kids are young so it sounds like you must have loved him at one time. Were you just bored with the marriage and the A offered the feeling you lost with your H? Have you tried counceling with him to try to get to the reason you are doing this? Maybe he just quit trying and gave up? I'm just guessing with all these things but your comment about staying with him gives hope that here is still something there to build on. Believe it or not, you can have an even better marriage if you make the decision. That's what it is you know, a decision to stay and commit to it. If you end up with the OM, odds are you will end up in the same place with him as you are your husband eventually after the "thrill" is gone. Really think this through and be strong.
MomMom to two wonderful Grandsons |
|||
|
|
Villager |
Here is a little more about my situation. My husband and I have been together for 15 years all together. I am 36, he is 43. During our marriage (1st for both of us), we were never good communicators, and we never had a really "deep" connection/love. Since the A broke, we have gone to marriage counciling and have uncovered a lot of past issues such as to why I became so resentful towards him and have so much anamosity. We are now each seeing the councelor separately and therapists on our own. My last visit to the councelor has thrown a major kink in things. He has some of his own personal issues which may or may not be involved with me. I think he has feelings for me! WIERD!!! I am not returning to him. He thinks I will never fall in love with my husband and will be committing "emotional suicide" if I go back to him. Meanwhile I should end the affair.
I have always been the "people pleaser" type. I married my husband partly to please my family. He is from a wealthy, locally well known family. We have drifted apart over the years due to changes in ourselves. I am more down to earth, my husband is a materalistic, successful businessman. I have felt like a stepford wife over the years, trying to please my husband, forgeting about myself and burying any resentment. Through the counceling, these issues have been brought to light and my husband is willing to change. Why I think he is best for me long term? I like doing all the family things together, yes I want to keep peace with my parents too. My friends have been VERY supportive. But I fear if I stayed with the sexiest man alive, they and their husbands would never except him. My relationships with my friends is very important to me. I love the bar-b-ques with our kids, dinners together..ect. My husband is a good guy, he just put more importance on success than on his family, he admits to treating our relationship more like a bussiness one. I became lonely, bored and unattached. I became obsessed with the sexiest man alive, whom I knew from the gym, a year ago. Last fall we began talking only when we saw each other. Toward the end of fall I approached him via e-mail and told him I would like to have him just once (ya right!!!!) After the third or fourth time we each feel hard. Both of us apparently have had a HUGE crush on each other for years. We both felt like we had a silent relationship (before we ever talked) and have felt like we have known each other before. I am an educated person ( I know, hard to tell from my misspellings!!) and I know about the statistics and YES that scares me!!! I am confused as hell and I am definetely on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel like I need to end it the next I can't bare the thought! HELP! Everytime I talk to my husband I am annoyed at him, I can't ever imagine being attracted to him sexually again. But I love the friends and family thing! Help! |
|||
|
|
Villager |
Wow that is alot of info to digest and I am no expert so I will leave that ti the experts.
However in my humble opinion I have learned through reading and reading and more reading that SMA only appears that way for you now. Kinda like a bad drug, you have to detox and remove it from your system to see the effects it really had on you. Until such time you do that, you will continue to see your relationships through tainted glasses. Nothing is what it really seems to be. You had to have loved and well to be quite frank made love to your H fairly recently, you have young children. That means there is a possibility that there is something there for you to work on and move forward to and still have a great happy fulfilling marriage. You just have to be open to that, and clear headed of this "drug". Sorry if any of my advice offends or upsets, it is simply that...my opinion. You have made a huge step...follow it through. You CAN do it!!! LOVE IS AN IDEAL THING ; MARRIAGE A REAL THING! |
|||
|
|
Founding Member / Pioneer Villager Board of Advisors Village Baker |
SSS,
Welcome to SYMC. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I think you are very courageous for posting and initiating a discussion. I know this is a very difficult thing to do. There are several Villagers here who have been in your shoes. I have been in your H's position. The addiction you have for your OM is very strong. Research shows that the reactions to ending the relationship with your OM is similar to the reaction anyone with a substance abuse addiction has when they consider separating themselves from the addictive substance. What arrangements do you make for caring for your children while you are with OM? Marriage counseling won't work as long as you are seeing OM. You can't rebuild feelings for your H or even look at them objectively while under the influence of your OM. Ending the relationship and maintaining no contact will give you your best shot at working on your relationship with your H and keeping the family together. I'm glad you are aware of the statistics and I think you are aware of what separation would mean for your relationship with your children. I encourage your to keep posting and asking questions and looking for support. This is about repairing how you look at yourself as well as potentially reconnecting with your H. Have you considered contacting Penny about coaching for you and your H? HoFS  Namaste |
|||
|
|
Villager |
|
|||
|
|
Villager |
Wow.
What Lost and Hoffs say are right - I know as I'm right in the middle of it - perceptions are skewed when you are with OM. You can't judge or build your feelings with your H while you're getting your drug hit from OM. No old relationship can give that hit like a new one can - the key is understanding that it is a temporary effect and that you won't have that sensation you get when you're with them forever. That said, you guys seem pretty far down the separation/divorce/seeing other people path... I'm curious as to why you do feel drawn to go back at this stage? I'm not saying you shouldn't! More that the sort of upheaval that goes with moving out, dealing with partner seeing someone else, etc is some of the most traumatic stuff that happens during a split (I think) - I find it interesting that having got through that you still feel drawn back to your husband. It can't be just for the family parties and bbq's can it? Do you feel something deeper maybe? For now leave off comparing it with how you feel about OM as it's chalk and cheese - like comparing a nice glass of wine after dinner with a heroin dose (guess which one is more sustainable though!). But in isolation - what are your feelings for your husband? What is calling you back? |
|||
|
|
Villager |
|
|||
|
|
SYMC Founder Coach |
That, my dear, is complete and total fantasy. AKA bunk. It's contrary to human nature and to what is non-negotiable about relationships. You'd be darn sick of him within the first months. If not sooner. Guaranteed. P ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ penny.tupy@yahoo.com My eBook – Overcoming Infidelity One on one personalized help – Hire me “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.” “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy." ~*~ Laura A. Munson “Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.” ~*~Peter S. Beagle~*~ |
|||
|
|
Moderator |
Looking at your list, it seems as if your priorities are indeed material items first, family and friends a distant second. And you seemed very concerned about the image you are projecting to the outside world. $$$ doesn't buy you happiness, true happiness comes from #5,#6 and #7 on your list What if you lost it all? Would you mourn the loss of the plane and other possessions? Or would it hit deeper? The effect on your family, your husband? |
|||
|
|
Villager |
????
????
????
????
???? I see a theme here. It seems to all be about sex. Is that all there is in life? I think not.
I think it is fairly easy to understand why he went a little crazy. Devastated, but not surprised? Hmmm...sounds like there is more here. I agree with Gardenman. I'm not sure if you have your priorities straight. Sorry to sound so blunt, but I really think you need to sit down and put the things above that you find so attractive aside and figure out what it is you really want out of life. Sandy  |
|||
|
|
Villager |
Thanks for the input! It definetly gives me something to think about, which is why I am here. I know I need to end things with the om to see through an "untainted glass". My kids ARE the most important thing to me. Yes, I was very unhappy for years..that glass was very clear, I cried a lot during the last year. However, my h wants to change and wants me to give him the chance (he filed for divorce to let me know he wouldn't tolerate this any longer). I feel that that IS the right thing to do. But I don't know how. I have been clear with the om that I am still on the fence due to my kids, however we are very much in love and I have already broken his heart once, I feel horrible to put him back through it, as well as MYSELF..I am sobbing now just thinking about it. I worry that it won't work out with my H ( he is becoming more and more resentful, which is understandable) and then I will have lost both of them. The om has said he couldn't do it again...and he is very strong willed ( I believe him). At the same time, just so you know he is not pressuring me one way or the other. He is very supportive of me and wants it to be all my decision.
When I do "try" with my h, I worry because my H is very impatient, I have already told him that I can't just "flip a switch". How long does it take????? I worry that because it was never very strong in the first place and has been lost for so long, how am I going to get there?????? My Questions? 1) How do I end things? Do I do it gradually? Can I still e-mail him occasionally/text? 2)How much time do I give myself to mend my heart, before I can start dating my h? 3) How long does it take to see through a clear glass? Again, thank you for your help and input! I REALLY appreciate it! I hope you all had a good weekend. |
|||
|
|
SYMC Founder Coach |
Ohhhhh .... aren't we humans funny things .... so able to sound compassionate and ethical even when we are anything but. If he really loved and cared about you he would not ask you to make such a choice. He would understand the terrible harm that will come to you if you betray your vows, your H, your children, your Self ... and he would remove himself with honor and dignity.
Remember what Yoda said? "Do or do not. There is no try."  When do you begin to heal your R with your H? As soon as you end it with OM and close the door. Is it easy? Good goddess .. it is not. Is it possible? Absolutely.
Withdrawal: 6 weeks to 6 mos .... beginning from the moment contact ends. The clock restarts every time you have contact. Healing your integrity: a year plus .... also beginning the moment you end contact forever. How long it takes depends on how invested you are in making choices based on a set of unchanging values as opposed to whatever emotion is screaming for attention in the moment. Healing your marriage: the rest of your life.... but really - learning to be a grown up and to have a deeply satisfying intimate relationship with another human being is hard work ... but it's *good* hard work.
Your M was never very strong in the first place? Hum. I can understand that. Does your H agree? Are you re-writing history? Not that it matters all that much ... if you're willing to face your stuff and he's willing to face ... and you're both willing to grow into adults together you can create a powerfully fulfilling relationship. One that is not burdened lifelong guilt and remorse -- non contradictory joy it's called.
1. I think the real question you are asking s "how long do I torture everyone before I finally end it?" Ending anything comes in a heartbeat. Doesn't matter what it is .... a life end with a final exhaling of one breath, a smoker becomes a non-smoker only when the last cigarette is put out, a good story ends with the final word of the final scene.... And, an affair ends when you turn around, close the door, walk away, and don't look back. You can drag that moment out as long as you want .... but don't kid yourself that you're ending it gradually. The end always comes at the ... well ..... end. 2. You can start dating him immediately -- assuming he's willing. I'd strongly suggest you do so with professional help to minimize the potential chaos. If you're interested in coaching either as a couple or individually I'd be happy to work with you. 3. Mmmmmm.... it comes slowly over time. By the end of the withdrawal period (see above) you should be seeing much more clearly. Certainly by the end of a year if there is no further contact. Having said that though ... there are still ... hmmmm ... spots, I guess, that for me are fogged. Things I can't quite get my mind around when I look at my own affair. Glad to see you back  P ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ penny.tupy@yahoo.com My eBook – Overcoming Infidelity One on one personalized help – Hire me “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.” “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy." ~*~ Laura A. Munson “Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.” ~*~Peter S. Beagle~*~ |
|||
|
|
Villager |
What sort of spots Penny?
Feel free to reply on my thread if this is too diversionary... |
|||
|
|
SYMC Founder Coach |
It's a good question, mags, and one I have a hard time getting my head around. I am, daily, deeply saddened at the things I hear about what people do to each other. Kids' lives utterly wrenched apart, promises betrayed, ugly ugly divorces, people who once claimed to love each other forever doing horrible things to each other .... and it's so painful for me to hear. I cry over pictures of kids people send me. "Look at this P - here's the baby I had after my H left me." OMG - I'll never forget the first time someone sent me something like that. I was bowled over for days.
And yet .... I can't seem to find the same visceral aghastness at having done the same thing. Or ... at least not on a daily basis. Maybe it's a survival mechanism .... I dunno. I've had -- as J knows quite well -- incredibly painful bouts of deep self loathing. But even those tend to be more about the kids than they are about my ex. Hum. And I don't mean that to sound as if I'm not remorseful or don't understand what I've done .... it's just I don't always see it with the same emotional clarity I do others' stories. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ penny.tupy@yahoo.com My eBook – Overcoming Infidelity One on one personalized help – Hire me “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.” “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy." ~*~ Laura A. Munson “Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.” ~*~Peter S. Beagle~*~ |
|||
|
|
Villager |
Ah. No that makes sense. It's something I've wondered about with me and I've wondered how much of it would change as the fog lifts.
|
|||
|
|
Moderator |
I can so relate with that P - all of it. While the wife and I didn't divorce, I wonder how much damage was done to the children. Sometimes they ask if we are ever going to divorce - that may have more to do with people they see divorcing around them, but I wonder. Sleepy  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life is Beautiful! |
|||
|
|
Villager |
OMG 6 weeks to 6 months! Then a year to fully recover or not fully as I have noted from your comments. Penny I will be calling you when the time comes.
Speaking of the time....I need help deciding when. You see my h is going out the the country on business on the 20th for 10 days. The OM has a monumental race on the 28th, that I will want to know about and to make sure he didn't get hurt. Also, I feel that if I break up with him, he won't have the motivation to complete it and I would feel horrible, because it is a HUGE deal. Should I do it ASAP, but then not have ANY support/communication from my h for those days and risk caving and being extremely depressed? I don't know if that will be good for my kids, to see me unable to function like that. Maybe I should wait until the om's race is over and my h is back in the country for support. ?????? |
|||
|
| Powered by Eve Community | Page 1 2 |
 | Please Wait. Your request is being processed... |
|
| View $GS_USERNAME's Public Profile |
| Add $GS_USERNAME to my Ignore List |
| View Recent Posts by $GS_USERNAME |
| Notify me of New Posts by $GS_USERNAME |