So I contemplated starting another thread on this, but I thought that would be rather spamish of me, so I figured I would continue the discussion here, hoping I haven't lost the attention of those that have been of great help to me thusfar (where's you go, Penny?!?! )...

Anyway, things still seem pretty good. There are some things that have me raising my eyebrow a bit, but I plan to address that in session this evening. To explain:

Although we are getting along very well, our conversations are positive, we cuddle quite a bit and laugh a lot too. But, my W still seems like she is holding back somehow. I did a "check-in" with her last night to see how she felt things were going between us, if she had any concerns or felt uncomfortable with anything..just an overall, "How are you, how are We" type of question. She really contributed nothing to the overall discussion other than "Things are better, I'm happier". When I asked her if I was doing any better at meeting her needs, she said "I don't really know what my needs are".

Now, her not being nearly the Study I have been on relationships and marriage issues since this all began over a month ago (going on two now, actually), I didn't expect her to have a whole lot of clue what I meant by that. I gave her a few examples of what I meant, from what I believe would be a woman's viewpoint would have been for "Top Emotional Needs", ie., conversation, affection, non-sexual intimacy, emotional support, etc., and she really came up blank. That left me feeling a little uneasy in side. I know that I have made great leaps and bounds in each catagory, even though I wasn't entirely deficient in them before all of this..I was just more unaware of the ongoing necessity of them all and was caught up in daily life. I now realize that these are daily needs that need to given serious concern and attention everyday. I am honestly enjoying looking after them for her. But, I'm fearful that they may only be passing for her, I'm unsure. Although she is receptive to all of it, it seems she is lacking that deep appreciation and reciprocation which would validate for me that I am in fact making the progress and changes needed on my end to help out relationship. I don't think that she is doing what she needs to have done interpersonally to find her own happiness so that she can bring that glow back into "Our World", if you will.

I can also tell a differnce still sexually. Our first "re-encounter" with each other a couple of weeks ago was mind-blowing. It was sensual and soft and genuinely heart-felt between the two of us. The vulnerability we both felt in those moments made it special. We've made love twice since, and I can sense that she is very willing, but not so much involved as she needs to be. I've noticed she that she will only "glance" into my eyes during, hasn't really used her hands to touch me sensually, and hasn't engaged me in singularly, if you understand my meaning here (trying not to be graphic) as she had so often in the past. It seems to not even be a thought for her.

To me, knowing her as well as I do, these are indicators something is still not clicking the way it should, but I haven't been successful in gettting her to open up to me again the way she did in session a couple weeks back when she admitted and opned up about the OM scenario. To the best of my knowledge, he is history in a romantic sense for her. Of course, given these red flags, it leads me to wonder as she doesn not speak of their interactions at work at all. The last update I was given from all of that was last week when she said she sat him down at work, told him it was a done deal, wanted to work out her marriage, her life, her pregnancy and told him what her expectations were moving forward. At that point she told me, "It's finished and taken care of". I made the promise to her not to openly dwell on it, bring it up or badger her as I knew it would upset her and put a wedge between us. It was (and is) my pledge to work on trusting her going forward, but knowing that after all of this it will take some good, hard time and work to do so. I dunno if I am being overly critical or over-analyzing things at this point, but it just has an uneasy feeling for me deep down. The surface of the waters are relatively calm and serene, but I am fearful of what may lie beneath that I am sensing but somehow unable to see. I am hoping to open this thing up positively tonight with our therapist.

I will come back and respond more but the first thought I have is, is there any possibility at all that the baby is the OM's? I don't want to send off unnecessary alarms, I am just curious. I am not sure how far along your W is.

It seems like your wife needs some time. Even though the A is over, she may still be experiencing some withdrawal (even if the fog has lifted). It sounds like you are very strong. If you can continue to hang in there, she will see the effort you are making.

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I will come back and respond more but the first thought I have is, is there any possibility at all that the baby is the OM's?

As the old saying goes, "You always know who your momma is, but you never can be 100% about your daddy". That aside, I am virtually sure it isn't his. The timing of dates predates any encounter they would have had. This A was only a month old, and from what has come out in counseling, non-physical. Not sure how "non-physical" I believe just yet, but I do believe "The Deed" hadn't transpired between thr two (although not for lack of him trying). So, in short, I'm the daddy..strongly confident in that.

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It sounds like you are very strong. If you can continue to hang in there, she will see the effort you are making.

Lord knows I am trying to be..but it isn't the easiest mountain I've ever climbed, that I can assure you. I'm not an insecure person...under normal stressful conditions. But this one has really rocked me right off my interpersonal foundation. But, I am trying very, very hard. If I didn't love my W, I wouldn't go through all this mess.

Dante,

Just a small suggestion here.

Right now...for your wife and for you your moods and emotions will be ping ponging up and down. More than likely you're both overly aware of each others moods and sensitive to minute changes in them. Any negativity or pulling back from her more than likely triggers an immediate fear response in you. Any overly attentiveness from you will more than likely trigger immediate guilt in her.

This is normal, but it also causes great internal emotional stress...and in some cases this behavior just cycles over and over and becomes a major cause of overcoming the already heightened marriage stress. Plus she is pregnant, which in and of itself causes one's moods to jump irratically.

I'm thinking that for the next couple of weeks, it might be best to leave the deep conversations about emotional needs or reconnecting in a deeper way to when you are together in the therapist's office.

Sometimes..even when on the BS's part its done with loving attention and the wanting to 'help', to the WS these talks 'feel' like pushing. If you are able...and i know it is an enormous thing to ask of you right now...but if you can, when you do have sex, when you are connecting in an intimate and positive way...do not bring up the affair in any way, shape, manner or form. Do not bring up what is missing in these encounters for you or what you feel would make these encounters more positive and full. If at all possible, just for the time being, enjoy what is given freely by her right now and give to her as freely as you can. Enjoy that moment in time and leave any insecurity, fears to talk about later on.

I know it doesn't seem fair. You were the one betrayed, you were the one hurt by this, you were the one left in the dark... and now we're asking you to take a step back.

So, here's a suggestion for you...Remember the big picture. Remember that it is the 'marriage' you want to save. When we are all positive, absolutely 100% sure that in her mind, heart, body, soul she is absolutely 100% 'done' with the affair (and that includes the grieving, the possibility of NC being broken, that all the emotional fog attachments are dead,)...at that point in time.. she will be strong enough and the marriage will be strong enough to start getting your half of the grieving, your upset and anger issues, your emotional needs dealt with.

Right now there is alot of individual work that you are both doing and it is like at opposite ends of the spectrum. She needs to look at the reasons why she was 'able' to fall far enough into her own core hurts to have an affair in the first place. She has to concentrate on self first in order to heal your marriage. And so do you. You cannot heal the whole of your marriage without first healing the individual parts of it.

This is the part we call the marathon...its a long emotional run, but if you love each other, its worth the work and the time. And it takes a long time, so be prepared.

Loui

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And it takes a long time, so be prepared.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

But seriously, thank you for your insight, LouiE. Rright now I do know my wife feels guilty that she doesn't seem capable of putting as much in to us as I am. She stated even if she didn't have a full-time work schedule, a full time school schedule and a pregnancy on her plate, she isn't sure she would be willing to go to the depths that I am. Not very encouraging in the long term in my mind. Guess we'll just wait and see.