Hi, I'm new here. Just looking for advice. My wife had an affair with one of my best friends 10 years ago. She confessed it to me 4 years after it was over. At the time of the affair we were young(she was 20 I was 25) and pretty hard into partying.I had no idea it even happened, I feel so stupid.At the time she connfessed to me our lives were totally different, we had started going to church and stopped drinking, our marriage was great. She told me because she knew I deserved to know and to be truthfulto our marriage. I told her I didn't want any details, I just foregave and we moved on from there, I got through it remarkably easy. I couldn't however foregive my friend for doing this to me, going after my wife. I went on for the last 9 1/2 years without to much thought of the affair. Then it happened. I started dreaming about it and obsessing about it. I made my wife tell me all the details and that made it worse. I can't go one day without thinking about it over and over again, but our marriage is great, were in love and we have two children. I contacted my ex friend to communicate with him after 10 years and he sounds remorseful, but I still can't get over my anger at him. I ripped him with a few e-mails but I feel bad. what should I do to get through this? I know I probably should keep him out of my life, right?

Hi Jimb -

Sorry you are here. It is a rough experience to go through and yours is a tricky one.

The betrayal that you feel is two-fold. Once from your wife and once from your best friend. I have been there it is a difficult thing to get through. Have you remained friends with your friend during this past 10 years or had you drifted apart? Have you and your wife done any counseling?

First of all, take some time and read some of Penny's articles on this site. This site advocate that a wayward spouse (and in this case) should not have contact with an affair partner. I am no expert but it is my belief that in order for your wife to do that, you must also be in no contact with your BF.

Again I am no expert and others will chime in here. In my case, both my H and I have no contact with my previous best friend. I believe her to be unhealthy to my M and I will no longer do anything to damage my marriage.

As for forgiveness, many others will have some wise words for you. I don't know that I have fully forgiven my BF, although I have forgiven my H. My thought on why it is easier to forgive your spouse than the BF, is that you have more at stake with your spouse. You love them, you have had children with them, your life centers around this person. While you may be close and love your BF, you did not make a vow to be with them for the rest of your life.

How to get over the thoughts and dreams? It is a difficult thing and I can't tell you that I don't ever have those thoughts but the times I do get fewer and farther between.

Try some positive thinking...whenever you start to think or obsess about it, think about your kids, think about the changes your wife and you have made in your marriage. Also...a tip I was given is to do something physical. (if I remember correctly doing something physical releases something in your brain and can help take your mind off of things). Go for a walk, take the kids to the park, or whatever comes to mind.

I hope some others will chime in here but know that you are not alone. This is not the easiest thing to overcome but it can be done. You and your wife have made a start and you can continue to make progress.

Take care,

Faith

Thanks for the reply, I'm sorry you are here as well. No, I didn't remain friends with him I completely cut off my friendship with this person right when my wife confessed to me which was about 7 years ago.

I also understand the no contact with affair partner rule as well, I read that at another marriage site too. What I think is unique in this case is that my wife broke off the affair(it lasted about a month). She says she woke up one morning and was totally disgusted and regretful she had done it, and told him it was over, never call her again. Well, with out me knowing it even happened, this friend remained in our lives pretty closely. He went everywhere we went. She says they never even talked about what they had done ever again, He was just my BF to her.

Since they obviously have no fellings for each other, and went 4 years with him around, should this rule still stand? I am in no way going to ever bring him around my wife or family, just maybe a call here or there or an e-mail. It can never be the same between me and him anyway.

As for counseling, we never did. I'm not sure we need that as I said I'm great with her it is just my bitterness at BF.

jimb, I'm wondering what's going on in your life right now that would bring up memories of this long-past event. There are almost always current-life connections that bring these things up, and it's curious to me that you're having flashbacks after all this time.

I'm wondering if you're feeling inadequate or unlovable in some way in your current life that's reminding you of the affair.

I would also like you to consider forgiveness and what it means. The effort to truly forgive and reconcile is one of the most difficult in the world. It sounds to me like there's work to do with your wife and work to do about (different than with!) that friend.

quote:

Since they obviously have no fellings for each other, and went 4 years with him around, should this rule still stand? I am in no way going to ever bring him around my wife or family, just maybe a call here or there or an e-mail. It can never be the same between me and him anyway.

as I said I'm great with her it is just my bitterness at BF.

Having been in your shoes (somewhat) I might be able to offer some help in your decision (which is all yours by the way). My first wife left me for my best friend. They have since separated. My then friend has since tried to re-establish a friendship with me. He seems to think it helps to point out how much better my life is now with current wife and two beautiful children. I think that helps HIM more with his guilt then it does with me and my healing. While I can feel compassion for him, and while i have accepted his apologies, I won't say that I forgive him, because to me that means I can/could/would have a friendship with him without ever holding his mistake against him. I'm simply not capable of such forgiveness for something of that magnatude with someone I'm not forever bound to.

He and I have mutual friends and on rare occasion I attend a function that I am not aware he will be there. (most of the time our friends inform me). When I see him I only feel anger and pain etc. The encounter is full of negative energy that affects me for days/weeks to come.

So the question is why would I try to mend the relationship? It's not like a spouse where promises are made and children and family are affected. I have plenty of friends who have not run off or slept with my XW. I prefer to put my energy into friendships that are healthy from the beginning.

Also, I can tell you I would not maintain a friendship in which I could not include my wife.

Hope I helped.

Sleepy

I havent' been in this situation, but I just want to throw in something about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something we do with and for ourselves. It doesn't mean we forget or condone the hurt that we experienced because of someone else's actions. It means giving up the resentment and the pain it causes us so that we can live without flashbacks and triggers of painful memories. It doesn't mean forgetting what happened or putting ourselves back in a position to experience similar pain again.

quote:

Originally posted by Just J_SYMC:
jimb, I'm wondering what's going on in your life right now that would bring up memories of this long-past event. There are almost always current-life connections that bring these things up, and it's curious to me that you're having flashbacks after all this time.[QUOTE]

I really don't know of any problems that would have brought this up. The only thing I can think of is I kind of went into denial when she confessed to me. I couldn't proccess it and didn't want any details. Then when this started I started thinking of how messed up that was that my wife and friend had a relationship, emotional and sexual. This really started to wear me down and I started dwelling on it. Is this normal this type of dealing with it in reverse?

quote:

When I see him I only feel anger and pain etc. The encounter is full of negative energy that affects me for days/weeks to come.

So the question is why would I try to mend the relationship?

quote:

The same things happen to me. I see this ex BF on occassion at job sites and for the first 6 1/2 years I just felt adrenalin and anger at being at the same place with him, wouldn't speak to him. Now Iv'e made some contact with him and we've had some nice conversations, he's always remorseful. It makes me feel good for a while and then I begin to imagine him with my wife behind my back and it starts all over again. That doesn't sound to good does it?

jimb, I said I hadn't been through this, but rereading I realized I had, or actually my STBXH had, in a more extreme version.

Early in our 18 year relationship we talked about X's and he became extremely jealous about one X because I told him he was the only one I ever loved before. After that, he read my journals and got wildly angry about stuff I'd written in the past about X. H is an alcoholic/addict and when he got drunk/high, he'd rage about this X, who I've never seen or spoken to since about a year before I met H. I finally left H because of abusive raging, he got sober, we got back together, and everything seemed fine for about 9 years... I assumed his jealousy had been caused by the alcohol and drugs but, as he told me later, he'd suppressed it because he knew it threatened our M.

At least 6 years ago, H started drinking again, secretly, at least it was a secret to me at first, though not to the kids and many others. H also had A's throughout our relationship. He always said they were "just friends" and I believed him until he left me 5 years ago for one of his "friends" and I realized I'd been in denial the whole time. He spent the last 4 months before he left raging at me about the X I'd loved 20 years earlier, went through my journals again, ripping out pages, even showing them to friends to prove what a b$%^& I was, not telling them the page had been written before I even knew H. He was convinced, because of things I'd written, that I was still in love with X and nothing I said convinced him otherwise. I spent 1.5 years trying to encourage him to get sober while he continued to focus on X as cause of all our problems, even carrying one of my old journals (from the time when I'd left him, but was writing how much I loved and missed him) around in his car, refusing to return it.

My own insanity, as I see now, was focusing on him, his addiction, and his relationship with our very young (28 years younger than me), married employee with whom he's still living 5 years later, instead of trusting my own feelings and intuition and loving myself (instead of trying to fix my own feelings of inadequacy and unlovableness through him).

I would really think hard about the question Just J asked you. What is going on in your life right now that's making you feel inadequate or unlovable? I don't know what triggered it for my H other than the obvious - his return to active addiction and his own A, which he says started right after I got diagnosed with breast cancer. Maybe he felt inadequate to help me during breast cancer or unlovable because of my preoccupation with myself and my treatment. I know now that the "friendship" A had been going on for years earlier, but probably got serious at that time. I can't speak for him, but once he was "in love" with someone else, he let his jealousy loose, probably in part at least to justify his A. In so many words, H told me MOW made him feel adequate and lovable.

From my own experience of being on the receiving end of intense jealousy, it's extemely destructive to love and relationships. Whether or not it's "normal" to have a delayed reaction, I don't think is as important as what you do about it. What's important is addressing your own CH's (core hurts) before they destroy your M.

I just sent a e-mail to my ex-BF appologizing for my recent not so kind e-mails. I also let him know that we could not be friends again. I have taken some of your advice and I can't rekindle a already ruined friendship, plus the fact that being in contact with him magnifies the bad memories of the affair. I will focus on my current more healthier friendships. As for the reason this came up in my life so long after the betrayal, I'm still working on that. My wife and I are going to talk to our pastor (A christian marriage counselor)about our past problems and how to have the best future for our marriage that it can be. We are totally committed to each other and so in love, that I know the best is yet to come. Thank you to all who gave me some input and good luck with your quests to save your marriages.

JIM