From my notes -

First you need to fill out the Core Value bank. The emotions evoked in that worksheet (or in my meditiation) are what you feel like when you are connected to your core value - the part of you that is your deepest essence - the part that cannot be harmed or destroyed, no matter what anyone else does.

Once you know what that place feels like then you can begin to practice HEALS. You do this by calling to mind a situation or event that is frustrating or painful. Make it something small to begin with - not the most toxic thing you can imagine - just something small. Feel the hurt - do the anger self talk - "It's not fair, it should be this way, they just don't understand, they're just out to get me," you know what I mean - we all have our anger self talk ritual.

Now - see the word HEALS flashing over the face of the one who upsetting you. Picture it in living color.

Identify, name and feel the deepest core hurt associated with the situation. From least to worst they are: disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, devalued, rejected, powerless, inadequate/unlovable.

It is important to get to the deepest core hurt being experienced. HEALS works if you go too deeply - it does not work if you don't go deeply enough. When it's a situation with someone you have an attachment relationship with it is almost always inadequate or unlovable.

Say out loud - "I feel ________"

For one second really feel what that feels like.

Then, go to your Core Value bank ( carry a copy with you) and recall those things that you love and appreciate. Recall times when you have been compassionate. Feel your value. A value that is more important than anything anyone else can do.

Do this practice exercise 12x a day - throughout the day. Keep a journal.

In addition to those times practice HEALS when things come up that you find are upsetting.

When you can do this and stay grounded (connected to your value) you can begin to look at solutions for problems. Until then - nothing is solvable.


P

Actually, that wasn't the exercise I meant, but I do think it's a good one to do, too. I was referring to HEALS itself, which Penny kindly posted here. This is why I'm a terrible teacher.... I expect everyone to know what I'm talking about even when I'm not even remotely clear! I'm really sorry about that, MarshaR.

What I'm interested in is what your experience is like when you go through HEALS the first few times. And also what you found when you did the meditation.

quote:

Do you find it hard to come up with 12 different things each day for 6 weeks? Thanks!

I did find it hard until I started looking for little irritations instead of full blown resentments to do the excercise. Like being cut off on the freeway or the clerk being short with you or the neighbor's doggie doing his business on your lawn.

Hope that helps. It helped me to think of smaller things, since the bigger things just got me all upset and I wasn't able to move through past the "feel how it feels wrong" stage.

I've read through all Penny's notes on the compassion series and I'm still not so sure how to do all this. I still haven't a clue what my CV's are exactly so I can call upon them in the exercise. How do you find them and know exactly what they are? I understand the CH's though and I know what they are. I guess I should read some more of the book, that might help!

Marsha,

What helped me was to keep of list of things about myself that I liked. When you're so mired down in your CH's it *is* hard to find your value. So keeping the list of the little things started me out. They were things like creativity, my collection of shoes (no I'm not kidding), the way I keep all my SBing stuff lined up in neat little rows... etc.

Then you can read through them make "the big picture" connections to your true CV's.

The Core Value bank is the same things you think of when you go through Penny's heart meditation:

- Comforting a desolate child
- The most important thing about you
- Your own acts of compassion
- Beautiful works of Man
- Beautiful works of Nature
- The people you love
- Your community
- Your Deity or other Large Thing that represents higher reality for you

Thank you Just_J, I still haven't been able to do this yet, not sure what I'm doing wrong But this post does help me out! I'm going to try and do the HEALS again today. I still feel stuck in the same place. It's like I'm in a deep hole and I can't climb out. Today I woke up and my brain was trying really hard to think about the A and all the what if's. I tried hard NOT to think about it but just that much put me in a depression Some day I really would like to be happy. I kept telling myself his A wasn't against me and it was because of things inside of him, and had nothing to do with me. Sometimes that works, but not all the time.

Marsha,
How long past d day ? I can't remember. I used to have the same problem for so long, I really think it took me a couple of years to get to a point where those memories and thoughts didn't keep going through my head. The A consumed alot of my thoughts, I focused on those way too much. It seemed like the longer H and I were working on recovery the worse it got. I don't know if when I was in Plan A and working so hard to save my marriage that I never really allowed myself to "feel" or what but I would say for a couple of years I had alot of problems with triggers and my emotions.

I literaly had to retrain myself. When thoughts of him and OW entered my head I MADE myself get up and start doing something that took an extreme amount of thought and concentration. OW was a friend of the family, there were triggers EVERYWHERE. While I didn't really withdraw from my H, I caused undo pain to him by talking about it over and over and over.

Is there something you can do that would help you from feeling depressed? Maybe doing some volunteer work, doing something special for you, a walk somewhere the scenry is pretty... starbucks .

Star has told me a thousand times that her H affair might not have ruined their marriage but her reaction to it might. I think that's true for alot of us.

Also don't feel bad, I am stinking at this HEALS stuff too. , have you tried to fill out the worksheet? I am having probs with that , which you would think would be easy.

I have been thinking alot and talking to Tak about "being happy" do you know what that would look/feel like to you?

Well hang in there. Gotta get to work.
Le

It will be 16 months on the 21st of this month since D-day. I can't find any worksheet on the HEALS stuff, where is it? Is CV like thinking of Autumn trees and feeling good inside? Is that what I'm supposed to do after I feel the anger for a second, think about things like this? This is the part I'm stuck on.

Read the last page of Nyn's anger thread.

Read the last couple pages of Tak's lightbulb thread.

Wanna play? I'll do the same walk through for you with something if you like.

It seems a wonderful way to not do the stuff I didn't want to do anyway.

P

Thank you Penny, I finally understand what exactly CV's are and how to use them! Okay, I have an anger problem, well many, but here is one.
My husband goes on the computer as soon as we come home and stays there as long as he can. He has admitted that he is getting away from me, I have been mean and hurtful. Anyway, every time I see him on the computer I am instantly very angry. Under that is I'm feeling lonely, unloved and unwanted. Do I understand that he is withdrawing cuz of my attitude, yes, does this help, no! This is almost every day and when he isn't at work, he just sits on the computer and ignores the kids and I I really want to stop feeling angry about this since it's just about every day.

What it feels like to rescue the child in the desert.
A heart full of love, able, good


Beauty in nature,
Autumn in full bloom with cool breeze and bright blue sky


beauty created by humans.
Symphony music, some opera, cellos playing, violins playing


Community - how it supports you and how you support it in return.
Not sure about this one


The people you love.
My husband and children, my SIL, my mom and dad and sisters and any good feelings attached to these people


Compassionate things you have done in the last week.
Helped my SIL with many things, she is due any day. Did nice things just because for my husband


The most important thing about you.
I am worthly of love from myself and others


Connection to Spirit.
God has made a wonderful world that I should enjoy

So let's back up - you're doing what most of us do - naming the hurt but managing to stay angry and avoid the real hurt.

Alright. So tell me what happens physically when you come home and he's on the computer. What do you feel in your body?

Then tell me the anger self talk.

P

What do you feel in your body?

My stomach sinks, my chest tightens, my jaw clenches, I walk stiffly LOL!

Then tell me the anger self talk.

I swear a lot, bad I know but here is the PG version: Dang, there he goes on the computer again, just can't stand to even be in the same room with me, the jerk. I wish for onced he'd stay and help me with (whatever). I can't believe I'm such a *&^%$ that people just can't stand to be around me. F him then!

Okay, something like that anyway goes through my head.

Excellent!

Now - see

HEALS
HEALS
HEALS

flash across his face

And then tell me the CH you are experiencing

Unloveable or unloved? Not sure, all new to me.

Mmmmm hmmmm..... but you can't just say it. Or just think it. You have to be it. So let's do that. This is the hard part - but we'll get through it, ok? BTW - this is the part that we all avoid - and spend much energy doing so.

Unloveable. What is that like? In your heart it might sound like this....

See, he really doesn't love me. First the affair, but that really was only part of it. I'm so not good enough that even a computer is better than having to he with me. Probably he should have left and been with the her - he'd be happy. I couldn't make anyone happy. I'm a ***** - who would want to be around me. I'd hide too. I'm no good. I don't know how to be any good. I just want to hide.

This should feel like sinking. Not fired up and angry. But sinking...... falling into the dark hole inside. Sad. Very very sad. Small. Shrinking.

Can you feel that? Hold that feeling for five or ten seconds.

Read that and tears just ran down my face, I feel this a lot. I know how to feel this, I feel this almost every day. My heart hurts, my throat closes, can't swollow, tears run down my face, feeling helpless and very unloved. Yes I can feel it.

Yeahhhh..... that's a whole lot harder to look at than feeling the anger, isn't it?

Ok - now is the time to go to the places from the meditation.

How does it feel to be outside and see the autumn sky and the gorgeous trees?

Hear the cellos and the violins

See the faces of the people you love - feel how much they love you

Remember the kind things you've done for your SIL

Feel the small child resting on your shoulder - safe because you have rescued her

Connect with and really feel those things. Feel the calm seep into your heart. Feel the darkness move back and a gentle light wrap around you. Breathe into this. Hold this.

If you need to - go outside or listen to music that soothes you. Touch this deepest part of your spirit.

Tell me when you have that - when calm and peace return.

This was very hard, to go from feeling so so sad and hurt and try to go to a happy place. Not sure if I really pulled it off. This will be hard I am finding. I put Beethoven on and I was at a cabin in the woods on a beautiful autumn day, excellent cool breeze. I'm in a nice comfortable sweater and my son is playing Fur Else on the piano and I'm smiling at him and him at me. I'm thinking of the help I've been to my SIL that day etc. anyway, I felt better but not full of happiness and joy but better. So, now I feel I'm not doing it right??

No - you don't have to feel happy. You're looking for connected. Connected to people you love - to community - to beauty - to Spirit. All of those are connections to the self.

So -- you feel calm and at peace in that space?