I see, yes, I felt connected to myself and nature and family/friends. Okay, now I get it. Yes, I felt calm and relaxed in that place.

I bought the HEALS CD but some how missplaced it in moving and can't find it. Now I wish I had it. Does it help much? I never even got to listen to it!

We're not done yet

Now - from that place of connection to Self - look at your husband at the computer.

See his hunched shoulders and rigid back? See how tight his neck is? See the pain above the top of his head? See that?

See his core hurt. Because this is an intimate R it is very likely to be the same CH as yours. Unloveable.

What might that sound like for him?

I'm such a loser. I can't do anything right. I got married and then I blew it and then I blew it again with the affair. Every time I try to make it better I just stick my foot in a pile of ****. I'm no good at all. No wonder Marsha yells at me. I'd yell at me too. She should have more but I don't have what she needs. Life totally sucks.

Yes, I so see his hurt. He has said those things to me. He feels or felt rejected, unloved and unwanted. He feels like no one loves him, he can't do anything right, everything he touches or does comes out wrong, etc. He has told me this before. Makes me sad

Stay in that place of connected to Self. Go back and redo that part if you have to.

Look beyond his hurts. See the man who would walk a thousand miles to rescue the child in the desert? See how he loves the color of the sky? (did you know that?) See how he appreciates the fine tuning of a piece of machinery (guessing on this one ) See his connection - hidden much of the time - to Spirit? See how he misses community?

See the really good man he is beneath the fear and the hurt? See how much he wants to love and be loved - with you?

I think it might help if he was able to do some of this too and tell me what his CV's are But yes I will try that, but I have to run in 15 minutes. Taking the boys to a classical concert. I will have plently of thinking time and relaxing time. Maybe that will help and I'll find my calm connected place and think about his CV's too. I never really looked at it that way before.

Now, the next step is love myself right? Feel that I am worthy of love by myself and others?

Then, solve the problem, not sure about this one though??

Seeing his CH and CV *is* the loving yourself step. I was confused on that for a long time.

Sooo... when you can see that and stay connected to your centered and grounded place you can begin to think about solutions. Assuming it's still a problem. What appears as couples problems are often one person's CH's getting triggered. Once that is worked through there is often not a problem.

Have a delightful time at the concert.

P

Okay, so seeing his CH's and CV's in my connected place is loving myself?? Well, I didn't know that one! But I guess the more you value others the more you value yourself! So, the more you love others the more you love yourself. Basicly, right?

Nice to know that there isn't always a solution you have to come up with. Now, if I get good at this, in time I won't be angry and hurt and so on when I see him on the computer? Wouldn't that be wonderful!! I really am hoping to master this

You may be saddened and disappointed knowing that he is acting from a place of hurt and disconnect from himself. You will most likely feel immense compassion for him if that's the case. But, no, you won't be angry and resentful because you'll understand at an experiential level that it's not about your worth or value it's only because he is hurting and trying to avoid feeling it.

Hugs!!

P

Thank you so much for all your help Penny!!! I will think about everything during the concert tonight, thank you so much!

More than welcome, sweetie. Thank YOU for being brave enough to let us see your heart. That's a really scary thing to do. I'm sure it will help more people than you can imagine.

When you make this real - when it kicks in the way it's supposed to - it is truly transformative. I can't tell you how much my life has changed this year because of all this.

P

The concert was really good and the boys loved it. They are classical music buffs

I am finding it hard to remember to do HEALS this many times a day. When I miss I beat myself up LOL! I do hope doing this gets easier. I hear you can do it anywhere so when you get better at it I assume it doesn't take long to do? I am excited at the fact of not being angry all the time, feels like it anyway. Since I was a teenager really. When I get good at this I would love it if my H would try it. Not sure if I can get him too though.

Let's worry about one family member at a time

One of the things I wanted to chat with you about last week before the Kid Emergency was a new group I'm putting together. The daily HEALS exercises and other really cool stuff will be part of it.

Between now and then ..... one of the things someone in our HEALS group did that seemed to work and was pretty cool - every time he looked at his watch he did HEALS. It ended up being much more than 12x a day most days.

You're right - it doesn't take all that long once you get it down. The vitally important things to keep in mind are:

You must FEEL this stuff - not just say it - not just say you know it - really experience the emotion as if it is now. As I mentioned when we did this yesterday, the step most people skip is feeling the CH. We feel the anger or resentment or frustration or whatever - we NAME the CH we think it is - and then we move on without entering into the dark, empty place that IS the CH. It is essential to be the CH - without that healing is impossible.

You must use remembererd or created events. HEALS is great for stuff in the moment too - but that's not the dynamic which will create the unconscious skill that kicks in automatically - and that's what you want.

You need to have done the CV work. Listen to the meditation - reconnect to your deepest self daily so you know what it feels like. Doesn't do any good to feel the CH if you can't reconnect to CV. This, too, you need to feel. Can't just say I know I'm valuable or loveable. Need to feel those connections.

And then - once you have done all the stuff with you - you need to see the CH and then the CV of the person you're having the issue with. If it's another driver on the road who's just cut you off it's not as essential (still need to - just not as big a deal). If it's someone you are connected to it's vital. It's the part of the technique that allows real compassion to move outward. Imagine if we did this as a global community!

And then, recap. We didn't do this yesterday.

Am I more able to solve the problem in an angry devalued state or in a place of connection and value?

Do I feel better angry and devalued or do I feel better connected and grounded?

Check your watch - do HEALS

P

Glad the concert was fun. My kids are Nirvana and Metallica fans..... <sigh>

So, I should be doing the heart meditation once or twice a day then? For how long? Just until I can really connect with my CV? Are you saying to do this BEFORE I really try to do the HEALS stuff?

Okay, one family member at a time! When your excited about something sometimes you just want to share! LOL!

My kids play violin, piano and bagpipes and they have always been into classical. But then again I have been playing that kind of music at night for them since birth

I would love to join some kind of class for the HEALS, let me know when and were to sign up!