The following(kinda long) is from another forum. They base their stance on Scripture and state that it is the husband's fault if the wife is unfaithful

Comments please...

When a Christian Wife Commits Adultery.

One of the most difficult concepts for a couple to understand is that a Christian wife will not end up in the arms of another man if her husband is being a great husband.

We understand the aversion to this truth if; that is, if you do not understand it fully.

Oftentimes, a confused person will respond by saying, "That can not be true - a Christian wife has to take responsibility for her actions." This argument betrays the speaker that they are not "hearing" what the Word of God is saying. Here is the idea, in a nut shell that we, and the Word of God are presenting:

"In Hosea, even GOD says that he does not hold wives responsible for
committing adultery but he holds husbands responsible for their wives
affairs.

Why? Because the men were committing adultery first or putting
other things above their commitment to God and to their wives.

In other words, they had false idols in their lives. They commit harlotry literally or symbolically and their wives react by doing the same thing. God says it is the husband's fault."

Why is it important to understand this concept? It is only important to understand this if you want your marriage to recover and you want to enter into experiencing an Outrageously Happy Marriage.

We are not interested in helping couples "survive" and feel successful simply because they "stayed married".

Our job is to bring a proper foundation to your understanding so that you can experience an OUTRAGEOUSLY HAPPY MARRIAGE!

If a wronged husband takes the position that his wife "owes" him and must work hard to win back his trust and that her adultery was HER fault, then that couple will never enter into an outrageously happy marriage.

They might survive, but they will not be EXTREMELY happy and completely healed as a couple. Why? Because they do not "view" the wife's adultery correctly; through the "lens" of God's word.

Let's look at Hosea first, and then we will look at a few other supportive texts:

Why do married women commit adultery?

14 'I will not punish your daughters when they commit harlotry,
Nor your brides when they commit adultery;
For the men themselves go apart with harlots,
And offer sacrifices with a ritual harlot.

Therefore people who do not understand will be trampled.

This is very clear. After reading this entire article, you will have to WORK VERY HARD to close your eyes to the truth that God blames a husband when his wife commits adultery.

What I want to point out is the last line of Hosea 4:14 - "People who do not understand will be trampled".

If you do not understand that it is a husband's fault, if his Christian wife commits adultery, then the marriage will never be restored. The couple will be trampled.

If you understood what we understood about marriage, this whole idea would make perfect sense. PLEASE order and read BOTH of our books, if you are stumbling over this idea.

If you read both of our books and re-learn the Word of God concerning marriage, then you will begin to understand what God is saying in Hosea and the other verses we will look at. This is NOT just a concept about adultery; rather it is just a "piece" of the overall understanding of marriage that will cause a couple to enter into an outrageously happy marriage.

Adultery is a "lightning rod". Consider this: In the HUGE selling book, "His Needs/Her Needs", the author claims that BOTH husbands and wives get into affairs BECAUSE their partner does not meet their needs. That book is a HUGE seller.

WE do not believe that a husband gets into affairs because his wife does not meet his needs - we believe a man gets into affairs for recreation and then uses his wife's not meeting his needs as an excuse. We address this again later. However, we DO believe, and the BIBLE TEACHES, that a WIFE gets into affairs BECAUSE of the actions or inactions of her husband.

The bottom line is this: HOW will a marriage get healed after a Christian wife commits adultery?

The beginning of a FULL healing, and the first step to an outrageously happy marriage, is for that wronged husband to fully embrace this concept and say to his wife:

"I fully forgive you for the adultery. It was my fault. If I had been the husband that God called me to be, and that you needed me to be, then you never would have ended up in the arms of another man. Help me to work on me, to become the husband that I need to be."

Yes, a wife MUST get out of her adultery(s) - regardless of whether they are physical or emotional.

(Our definition of emotional adultery: Having "friends" of the opposite sex whom you carry on a relationship with in person, on the phone, via e-mail or IM or text messages - or any combination of these things. It is a relationship in which some or all of these contacts are kept private - and if your spouse knows about it, it is continued over his/her objections. The affair is also kept secret from the wife or husband of the other party to the affair. This relationship meets emotional needs of the wife - she enjoys the friendship, approval, affirmation and respect that she receives from the man that she is in an affair with.)

Normally, a wife who is in an affair will act one of two ways toward her husband: She will be angry and critical, constantly, or she will seem cool and collect, needing nothing from her husband. She does not "bother" him anymore about meeting her emotional needs, because she is getting them met from another man. Why? Because her toddler husband refused to meet her emotional needs for years until he finally broke her.)

The bottom line is that she MUST come out of the affair. That is a given.

However!!!!!! - What most wronged husbands, and many advice givers do not understand, is that this is between his wife and God, and her counselors. HIS job, as her husband, is to RELIEVE her of guilt for GETTING INTO THE AFFAIR in the first place.

How does he do this? Simple: by believing the Word of God.

She would NOT have GOTTEN into this affair, IN THE FIRST PLACE, if he had been a great husband.

How does a MATURE man help his wife to get up and out of the bondage of the affair?

He becomes a pro-active husband, MINISTERING love and Christlikeness to his wife.

He does NOT "upchuck" his hurt feelings on her.

He "owns" that it was HIS issues which pushed her into the affair, so the emotion that he expresses to her is regret for not being the husband that he promised her that he would be on the day that they were married, when he promised: "I promise to love, honor and cherish you".

Look at verse 13 for more clarification:

13 They offer sacrifices on the mountaintops,
And burn incense on the hills,
Therefore your daughters commit harlotry,
And your brides commit adultery.

Note: not every Christian woman will respond to her husband's idolatries and adulteries by ending up in the arms of another man. SOME will.

I thank God that Kathy did not respond to my mistreatment by ending up in the arms of another man.

Yes, I was blessed in this way. It was I, the husband, who committed adultery.

Can we find a place in the Word of God where a wife is blamed for her husband's affair? NO. So, why does a Christian HUSBAND get into adultery? Simple: It is a character flaw. He does not get into an affair in RESPONSE to his wife's indiscretions, as the Word declares that a wife does.

He INITIATES an affair because he wants to. Men get into affairs for recreation. Yes, the same deception of being infatuated with the other woman will attack him, and he may believe he is "in love" with the other woman, but this is always a fantasy.

He got into the affair because of his character flaw. He WANTED to get into an affair, so he set out to get into one.

A Christian wife, on the other hand, does not set out to get into an affair. She is "open game" because of her husband dropping the ball and not treating her like a queen, all the time. She "responds" to a man who showers her with attention, compliments, affirmation, or any combination thereof.

Is this "fair?" No. But "fair" NEVER CREATES an outrageously happy marriage.

Let's look at another scripture:

You shall betroth a wife but another man shall lie with her. (Why?) Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of everything. Deuteronomy 28:30,47

God is speaking to a Christian man in this verse. He tells him that his wife will end up in the arms of another man - why? Because he did not serve the Lord with joy and gladness of heart.

You will normally not find a woman in adultery that has a husband who was overflowing with joy and gladness of heart at home, BEFORE she got into the adultery.

She is normally married to a man who just lived his life, worked his job, did not meet her emotional needs, had problems with depression, was a work-a-holic, put the kids before his wife, put ministry before his wife (or any other idol) - not necessarily all of these, but a combination of some or all of these things.

God puts the blame directly upon a man when his wife (or soon to be wife in the context) ends up in another man's arms.

Why doesn't God address the wife, blaming HER for the infidelity?

Why does God lay the blame at the feet of the husband?

Why doesn't God blame a wife, ANYWHERE in the bible, when her husband gets into adultery?

How many times have WIVES been blamed for her husband's adultery over the last fifty years, in the Body of Christ? MILLIONS of times!

Hmm. Heavy revy.

Women have been blamed for years, when their husband's have ended up in adultery - but THE BIBLE DOES NOT TEACH THAT!

On the other hand, some people HATE OUR IDEA WITH A PASSION, that is SOLIDLY BASED ON THE WORD OF GOD - that a husband is the cause of his Christian wife getting into an affair.

This is truly a study in "Life in the Twilight Zone". Women are blamed for years, with NO scriptural backing, and NO ONE GETS ANGRY.

We blame men, WITH scriptural backing, and concerned fellow ministers suggest that we are misunderstanding scripture! It is pretty hard to misunderstand Hosea and Deuteronomy. In a minute, we want to look at something Jesus said that further validates this.

If a wife is IN adultery, is she responsible to get OUT of it?

Absolutely.

Does she have to repent before God?

Absolutely.

Is a wife in danger of judgement, if she were to die in her adultery?

Absolutely.

HOWEVER, the BEGINNING of the affair was her HUSBAND's fault.

To have a successful healing and restoration, ON EARTH, a husband must accept the blame for the BEGINNING of the affair - and he must work toward becoming Christlike; repairing the character flaws in himself that pushed his wife into the arms of another man in the first place.

The biggest flaw in most husbands, is that they fail to love, honor and cherish their wife as the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON on planet earth. They put almost anyone and everything as more important than their wife. This is idolatry in its purest, most simplest form. God gave you ONE wife - and you treat her as if she is supposed to be a tag-a-long or as a secondary "helpmeet" who is called only to make your life easier.

If a wounded couple is going to have an outrageously happy marriage, then a husband MUST accept this premise.

His response to his wife's adultery MUST be one of it being a "wake-up" call.

His response must be to go on a mission: a mission of learning how to be a great husband; a mission of being pro-active in expressing love, commitment and devotion to his wife.

When a husband cannot do this, and begins to consciously or unconsciously "punish" his wife by being moody, angry, acting out of his hurt and disappointment, then he is going to create a horrible environment, and he and his wife will never end up with that outrageously happy marriage.

Matt 5:28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Why did Jesus say,

"Whosoever LOOKS on a woman to lust

for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

- and is therefore guilty of adultery, in God's sight?

ONE reason that Jesus said this is so that a husband can never say,

"My wife committed adultery and

I never committed adultery or idolatry first."

Sorry. You can only say that if you have NEVER looked on a woman in lust since the day you were married. If you claim that, we will sing three refrains of, "Just as I am" so that you can repent of multiplying your sin of lying!

Did Jesus put two and two together? He knew the entire Old Testament like a close friend. He knew it better than anyone who has ever walked on planet earth.

Did he look down the road, 2000 years into the future, and see that WOMEN would be blamed when a HUSBAND got into an affair, and yet men would get VERY ANGRY when the blame was put on men for their wife's affairs?

Jesus knew that Hosea and Deuteronomy made it very clear: that it was a husband's adulteries, idolatries, and general disobedience to God that was the CAUSE of their wife getting into an affar?

Knowing this, did Jesus want to silence the objection from a wronged husband who would say, "I never committed adultery or idolatry and I have been obedient to God"

Did Jesus want to make it very easy for this man to acknowledge, that yes, he had sinned against his wife, by lusting at other woman? (In a marriage, a husband's lust for other women damages his wife as much as a physical affair.)

We think so.

Matt 5:32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; (see #1 below) and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery. (See #2 below)

Luke 16:18 "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; (see #3 below) and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery. (see #4 below)

Letting two or three witnesses establish a thing: Hosea says that a wife commits adultery IN RESPONSE to what her husband does. Deuteronomy also blames a man when his bride to be commits adultery.

In the two verses above, from Mathew and Luke, Jesus declares a few things:

1. When a man divorces his wife, he CAUSES her to commit adultery. THERE IS NO BLAMES LAID AT THE WIFE's feet.

2. When a man marries a woman who is divorced, then HE commits adultery. Again, the blame in not laid at the feet of the woman.

3. When a man divorces his wife and marries another, he commits adultery. There is NO MENTION that his NEW WIFE is held responsible for the adultery.

4. Again, a man is blamed for the adultery - not the wife.

Let us clarify something: Jesus knew that his blood was going to wash sin away. Jesus knew that EVERY BELIEVER, in the future, would need his blood to wash many sins away.

Was Jesus just trying to heap condemnation on men and women who have made major mistakes and wrong decisions concerning marriage? No. We don't believe that. We do believe that he was addressing bad heart issues in the Pharisees on the day. We also believe that he was stepping 2000 years into the future, and clarifying that God MEANT WHAT HE SAID in Hosea and in Deuteronomy.

We believe that the emphasis on the SIN OF THE HUSBAND, in Jesus' words, have a purpose today - and that purpose is to HELP US MEN UNDERSTAND THAT THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR MARRIAGES REST ON OUR SHOULDERS.

Yes, a wife NEEDS to respond positively, as her husband makes changes. Consider the letters that you read above. Consider how "Lisa" is giving her heart to her husband after having come out of her affair.

Consider how the wife of "Dead Man" is working so hard to deal with her issues.

Consider how much effort Jennifer had put into giving her husband the chance to win her heart back, even after she had the final divorce papers in hand. Instead of just walking, she let him have a chance. She responded warmly to his changes, while at the same time, "letting him have it" perfectly when he needed it so that he could know what he needed to do to bring healing to her heart. He failed. That is HIS issue. The point is, that Jennifer WAS WILLING to "let" him win her heart back, IF he had truly changed.

Yes, marriage is a two-way street. A husband accepts full responsibility for the failure of it, begins to change and become Christlike, and AS HIS WIFE SEES his efforts, and believes he is sincere, THEN she begins to respond warmly, by slowly opening her heart and giving it back to him.

The goal is having both husband and wife pouring love, affection, attention, mutual respect and mutual honor upon one another.

The goal is team leadership. The goal is mutual submission. The goal is mutual servanthood.

But, HOW DO WE GET THERE?

We get there by the husband going first. He must accept responsibility, begin to change, and begin to INITIATE a happy marriage.

Yes, sometimes a wife will have a hard time responding positively. Work on it. We are here to help you. It took ten or twenty years for a wife to get "broken" (in a bad way) - it may take more than five or six months to bring her to a place of balance, healing, and having a desire to "warmly respond."

Men: Your wife put up with mistreatment for YEARS. Don't be a whiner if your good efforts for a few weeks, months, or even a year does not seem to bring her a miraculous and instantaneous healing and change. (Note: IN MOST WIVES, THE CHANGE IS ALMOST INSTANTANEOUS.) However, each husband has the perfect wife, who has the perfect needs, that require HIM to become Christlike.

If a wife is a bitter wife, who just cannot seem to respond warmly, then we have two newsletters in our InJesus archives that address bitterness in wives. THIS DYNAMIC (of a wife's bitterness causing a delay in the marriage restoration) IS ONLY PRESENT IN ABOUT ONE OUT OF TEN WIVES IN A BAD MARRIAGE.

Yes, many of our message emphasis' are becoming more widely accepted in the church, but probably 80% of the church is still drowning in the failed marriage paradigms of the past.

This is a way of life. Not just a "Oh yeah, I read that book." Ministry. This is a total life transformation that leads to YOUR having an OUTRAGEOUSLY HAPPY MARRIAGE!

My first comment is
WOW

I WILL have to reread the article more thoroughly before i can fairly comment

what is YOUR impression of the article?

quote:

My first comment is WOW

Ditto

Since you don't give the source of this, I'm not sure where the writer is coming from. But let me ask, what do you think about it? Do you believe it?

Since you asked for comments...I think it's a crock, that has taken the Bible out of context to support their own agenda.

The husband is a pretty convenient scapegoat if that article is true -- and I don't believe it for ONE SECOND.

People (men and women) have to take responsibility FOR THEIR OWN CHOICES.

Yipes!!

Okay.. MMF

I am not a bible scholar by any means.. but it seems to me that the verses are being taken out of context and being used for a purpose to promote this particular group. Christian or no.. the idea that an individual person is not responsible for their own actions is not really something that I can recall learning in any of my studies. And the first part of that chapter states:
Hear the word of the Lord, O children of Israel; for the Lord has a controversy with the inhabitants of the land; for there is neither truth nor loving-kindness nor knowledge of God in the land.

The time of Hosea, if I recall, was about the Lord being angry with the Nation of Israel. Because they have forgotten their covenent to him. I'm giving you the URL to Chabad.org's translation and the commentary that goes along with it. This is a direct translation from the original hebrew texts.

Hosea

Anyone can take anything out of context from the bible and manipulate it to their own aim.
So I'm kinda hesitant to comment on exactly what that particular groups aim is except maybe to follow their teaching/instruction.

Oh and btw.. in the bible's definitions.. a harlot is not the same as an adultress.
Harlot "A woman prostitute."
Adultress "A woman who commits adultery."

Loui

And btw..

I would say that there are many different methods that many different groups/people use, follow and/or believe in regards to adultery and marriage recovery.

This is just another one.

So let me ask you. Do YOU believe what they say? Do you agree with it?

Loui

I do appreciate the comments so far. As for the source, I did not include in the text because I did not know if it was appropriate.

This ministry is based from the teachings of Ken Nair (Life Partners). The teachings are based that husbands are solely responsible for the health of a marriage. That a husband is the initiator and the wife is the responder.

In essence, they take scripture and absolve a wife of adultery because her husband failed to cherish and love her the way Christ loves the church. They teach that a husband is responsible and the wife only "responds" to good or bad treatment.

In fact, the leader of this ministry committed adultery but his wife never gave up, prayed and he came back. This was based on their acceptance of Ken Nair's teachings of husbands becoming Christlike in the treatment of their wives.

Ken Nair's book.."Discovering the Mind of a Woman" teaches all about a man/husband's responsibility to become Christlike and how a wife responds to this change.

Now...do I accept that a wife is not responsible for her choices because she is a wife??

NO !!

Because a woman is a wife does not give her a scriptual "free pass". So what about a woman who is single (never married or divorced) and gets involved with a married man??

Is she not responsible for her choices?? Yet, she is not married so whom would this ministry say is responsible for the affair..probably the husband and the woman is free to do what she wants.

Do I believe that we husbands are the "rock" in a marriage...YES

Did we not make a commitment to love, honor and cherish...YES

Do we at times falter...YES

Does that make us bad husbands...NO

No matter what anyone says or how they interpret scripture, WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES WE MAKE !!

A wife does not get a pass because she is a wife and she is only responding to poor treatment by her husband. That is not realistic or logical and lays the blame at the feet of one person in a two person union.

Marriage vows are said by BOTH Husband and Wife and giving a wife an "out" is ludicrous.

I still welcome further comment

quote:

Now...do I accept that a wife is not responsible for her choices because she is a wife??

NO !!

quote:

No matter what anyone says or how they interpret scripture, WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES WE MAKE !!

quote:

A wife does not get a pass because she is a wife and she is only responding to poor treatment by her husband.

Sigh ..... Glad to hear you think so.

Yanno, I'm exceptionally careful to respect other people's religions .... being a member of one of those that gets dissed more often than many ..... But here's the thing from my pov ..... If one believes in a divine being that created humanity .... then it follows that this being also created the laws that govern us .... from our need to eat and sleep to our most complex systems. Infidelity is explainable and understandable when we look at what researchers tell us about the mating and pairing drive. That doesn't mean we condone it .... it means we understand how the human entity gets to, experiences, and processes an affair.

To say that it is the husband's fault if a woman has an affair does an enormous disservice to both partners. It blames him for her choices and it denigrates her humanity by making her nothing more than an extension of his choices - just to begin with.. That's just icky no matter how you slice it.

AND .... back to what we know about infidelity .... affairs happen in really good marriages.... all the time. To suggest that it only happens due to neglect or worse is simplistic at best and ridiculous or just plain stupid at worst. And that doesn't even touch on infidelity within the framework of addiction!

P

HA - I almost spat my water when I read the first line! Lucky I'm off coffee... would've been messy

I think the article is a crock. But there are so many cases of the bible being used to support stuff that is a complete crock that I wouldn't say it's even the worst manipulation I've seen. It's certainly an unusual and left field angle on it - but whaddya do. Sometimes you need to come up with a shocking, unusual theory to get noticed and sell books, so there are always plenty out there. If I couldn't find them funny I'd have to cry.

I have to admit that when I realized that the article was selling something
my RED FLAGS went up
waaaaaay up

nothing like an info-mercial to get a out of me

In my personal opinion
there are just some things in life that should be free, or as free as possible.
Spirituality being one
Crisis intervention/help being another

the presentation
with all of the 'hype'
rights and wrongs
good guy/bad guy
BLAME!!!!!!!!!
and blatant discrimination
etc
said NOT OK to me loud and clear

and then there is the LOUD misrepresentation of the Bible
I have read the Bible several times in and several formats, along with several other spiritual books.
I have taken formal classes in and around religion/spirituality, their histories and their philosophies
all in order to gain a better understanding of the world around me and how they have helped shape it.
I do to not fully understand each book I have read, and do not fully understand each and every spiritual philosophy out there
but
I do have a deep respect and acceptance for them and the people who choose to live their lives according to the guidelines set before. them

I will admit that I become concerned when one person/group misrepresents any spiritual teaching for personal gain
It seems to me like the 'personal gain'(greed and/or avarice ) trying to lead those in crisis and therefore perhaps temporarily blind

Just to add to what others have said....

The article mixes really good points with ones that aren't based in a solid understanding of the biochemical "stuff" of infidelity. The mix makes hard to winnow through and decide what's useful and what's not.

So for example, there is a LOT to be said for a husband who takes 100% responsibility for the state of his marriage, and who does not blame his wife for his own reactions to things. Blame, in that sentence, means "I feel bad and it's your fault." The relationship between outside actions and internal emotions is -far- more complex than that simple cause-effect model, and a lot of the work we do here is to shift around that causative link to something that's more accurate and therefore more helpful.

So if you don't blame your wife, you free up all that energy to take control of what you -do- control (yourself) and get some things done.

Thing is, it's just as valuable for a wife to take 100% responsibility for the state of her marriage.

Either one can be enormously transformational.

Since you are the one here talking to us, we can only help you work on that transformational journey.

Similarly, look at this part:

quote:

How does a MATURE man help his wife to get up and out of the bondage of the affair?

He becomes a pro-active husband, MINISTERING love and Christlikeness to his wife.

He does NOT "upchuck" his hurt feelings on her.

He "owns" ... HIS issues..

Ok. All good things. Probably absolutely necessary, in fact, in healing a marriage.

It's just the rest of the sentence that's a problem:

quote:

...HIS issues which pushed her into the affair, so the emotion that he expresses to her is regret for not being the husband that he promised her that he would be on the day that they were married, when he promised: "I promise to love, honor and cherish you".

That may be true. Or it may not be. It's not universally true. It's not universally false. The world is more complicated than that.

So that's what I find frustrating about an article like this one. There are elements in it that are right on, in terms of a husband taking responsibility for being a grown-up, supportive, loving husband. Lots of men need to do that, need to hear it.

Lots of people need to hear it. And we can only "hear" it for ourselves. Ranting about how my husband needs to hear it (which he doesn't) wouldn't be even remotely useful in my marriage.

And it's not the only ingredient needed to come back from the destruction of infidelity.

As I read through the rest of the post, I realized that the whole thing is written from the point of view of a man who had an affair, whose wife did not actually have an affair. So I think probably he's assuming that his experience (where his emotional immaturity and neglect were major contributors) is the most important thing for everyone to learn. For many people it probably is. Just not all, or maybe even most.

So... for you, MMF? I would read something like this cautiously. It is an excellent idea for you to take responsibility for everything you actually control. (Hint: The real control you have ends just about exactly where your skin ends. And even within those boundaries, your control is only limited.)

I think you're already taking responsibility and thinking very hard about your contributions, whatever they may have been, to the state of your marriage when your wife's affair began. So perhaps the value of the article is to reinforce that recognition and help you think about how you want to change?

quote:

How does a MATURE man help his wife to get up and out of the bondage of the affair?

He becomes a pro-active husband, MINISTERING love and Christlikeness to his wife.

He does NOT "upchuck" his hurt feelings on her.

He "owns" ... HIS issues..

quote:

Ok. All good things. Probably absolutely necessary, in fact, in healing a marriage.

JustJ
Does your
statement include CHRISTLIKENESS
or
ETHICAL/MORAL-likeness?

edited for grammatical errors

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hypatia_SYMC,

Good question, Hypatia. "Christlike" is, in my mind, not necessarily something that requires one to be a Christian. Sorta like how I think just about anyone can be a Buddha.

But. Most of us don't approach that level of groundedness most of the time. So I would say that aspiring to it is important. Being Christlike? Well.... if we all had to be at that level, no one would ever manage to heal a marriage!

Thank you very much for the clarification, JustJ
It helped me to better understand your interpretation of the quote.

I think there is a lot to be said about men (husbands) and the state of the relationship prior to an affair by his wife. Having said that, the choice and decisions on how to respond to the state of the marriage is the wife's, and hers alone.