Here's what I posted on LM's thread earlier today about Valu-ABLES (external things of import), Values, Boundaries, and Consequences. I'm dashing out the door now so I don't have time to expand, but I'd love to discuss this in more depth.

The exercise follows.
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Things of Importance are external things. Job, family, home ... you get the picture. (this needs a better name but I don't know what it is...)

Values are traits or aspects needed to protect, nurture, uphold, Things of Importance. Values are internal - they cannot be taken away from you. Nor can anyone else harm or violate them -- they are about you. Values tend to be fixed.

Boundaries are what you draw around external events in order to live congruently with your values. These can be, and really need to be, flexible. Boundaries really arent' about action. They're about defining for yourself what is acceptable in regard to your values. Boundaries can be violated by self or others. I think I think that in order for others to violate our boundaries we need to have already done so ... but I'm still thinking on that.

Consequences are the actions we take when our boundaries have been crossed. These, too, are by necessity flexible.

In order to live any of this peacefully there are things that need to happen.

First -- we need to define what our values are. We can't get to boundaries and consequences if we don't know what they're protecting! Jooolz and I tend to think that at higher levels of this work (i.e. after lots of pain and crying and reflecting Laughing ) one's values can be distilled down to one or two single word statements. And, that, when we get to our Most Essential Selves those one or two things are the same for all of us. But that's getting ahead of the story. Smile

After we are in touch with and can explicitly name our values then we can think about boundaries. This is difficult work and will move and flex over time as we grow and change. Questions we need to ask ourselves are about control and compassion - doormatitis and niceness. I think this is lifelong work.

Consequences, if they are to be truly ethical, must be explored with exceptional care. Consequences are about protecting our boundaries ... not about punishment or "teaching a lesson." When we put consequences into action ethically it is with a feeling of calm loving care. It's not personal and it's not to protect our ego. It's for the higher good.
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Exercise I:

List 3-7 Valu-ABLES - external things in your life which are important to you.

Here's mine (not in any order):
family connectedness
marriage
spiritual path
volunteer work
friendships
my home - physical space
SYMC
activism on issues I care about

What are yours?

P

Wow! I just love this topic Penny.

I'll take a stab at my list of valuables.

It is very hard to put them in any rigid list or order because I think at any given time, one valuable will seem more important than other depending upon the moment.

Family

Marriage

Good Health

Spirituality

Connection with Nature

Multicultural Awareness/ Freedom from Prejudice and Racism

Relaxation (Still struggling achieving this one)

Our property / home

Good Food and Drink

Teaching

My kids
School
My home
Friends

In NO particular order, as Gardenman stated, the IMPORTANCE/VALUE shifts given specific situations

family- and it's over all well being

friends- and their overall well being

SYMC- and it's over all well being

my over all spirituality and well being

life long learning of family and friends

home environment

global awareness

Hmm this is tough. I can think of a gazillion and I can't figure out which are most important.

Love - my H, friends, family
Financial security
Freedom - to do things I enjoy or that interest me
Music
Thinking
Being around people I respect at work and home
Interesting work
Having the good opinion of people I admire

I'm not quite sure about that last one, I've never thought of that before so I'm not sure if it's a discovery or a passing thought, but I'll leave it there for now.

Not sure I understand the rules of play here, but I'll put mine out and elaborate a bit more than one or two words.

*My wife. I think the first person to love me nearly unconditionally.

*My children. Their love and respect.

* My ability to support my family financially. Even when that need is percieved. i.e. If my wife was a billionaire I would still feel I needed to do my part. Funny, this value can sometimes cause problems in our marriage.

*My ability to protect my family from harm to the extent a parent can. Someone said last week "I never knew the real meaning of 'over my dead body' until I had children." um...yes.

*Friends - Lifes turns and my brothers health issues lately have me feeling I need to see my friends more. Reconnect with old ones that I don't see enough. I miss Gardenman. Soon brother.

*Financial health (different than above) to allow me some freedom. I am a wonderer by nature but lately I have been tied close to home due to the economy and more specifically the real estate market. Road trips - Warm summer evening, sun dropping behind the hills ahead, asphalt rolling past, windows down, music way too loud. Weird thing to value I know.


I'm not much into our home. I guess it's that wonderer in me. I know I'm kinda odd in that repsect, but I just never have been one to put value in a home. I wish I did, things would get done quicker around here. As long as I have a roof over our head it's all good.

Cool!

Now here's the second exercise ---

Take your list of valu-ABLES and from that list the character traits necessary to sustain and nourish those things. You'll probably find that these traits tend to be cumulative. By the time you get to the bottom of the list you probably won't find many more to add. If you have a hard time defining it you can work backwards.

Here's mine:

family connectedness: time, openness, cooperation, curiosity, compassion, engagement,

marriage: same as above -- adding -- committment, courage, tenacity,

spiritual path: same as above --

volunteer work: same as above

friendships: ditto

my home - physical space - same as above + creativity

SYMC - same as above

activism on issues I care about - same as above

Here's an example of working backward:

family connectedness:
the sorts of ways I could choose to navigate life that would make it difficult to sustain this ....
dishonesty, reactivity (crankiness), hostility, over-busyness...

and then just name the opposite!

P

family- and it's over all well being

friends- and their overall well being

SYMC- and it's over all well being

my over all spirituality and well being

life long learning of family and friends

home environment

global awareness

i was writing out my list of character traits that would help sustain each of the things I had listed as MY valu-ABLES when i realized that for me the list for each is pretty much the same, in varying degrees

**perseverance, patience, curiosity, time, openness, compassion, cooperation, commitment, creativity, vulnerability, courage, engagement, introspection, exospection (I made up a word trying to find the opposite of introspection, lol), aggressiveness(the positive kind, lol), calm , passion, humor, resourcefulness
working backwards
I try very hard not to be:
dishonest, closed, over-extended(need to work on this one a bit), meddling, unbalanced, complacent, etc

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hypatia_SYMC,

Ahh - I spent ages replying to your first post and then I lost it all ... starting again

My Valu-ABLES
(not in particular order)

my family and our relationships: children, husband, sister, mum and dad and wider family

my friends and our relationships

independence : ability to get around relates to health and car

teaching and learning and my role in that

intellectual stimulation ( could well be incorporated in above)

caring for others- in my work and volunteer work

creation - countryside

dogs- i just love them all breeds - 1 breed in particluar

the problem I find with the label "external" is that many of them are not entirely external to me - my friend is but my relatiinship with her comes from within me.... hmmm

Well – I suppose it depends on what you mean by "character traits" there could be some overlap between definitions of personal qualities/ competencies/ skills/ emotions/ personal resources .... I'll assume it is a broad all encompassing label. These things I have listed here are generally in my view competencies which are applied to myself AND my relationship with others. I think these competencies reflect the character traits someone has.......... And they also link with values – but I won't steal your thunder.......

Needed for all: – emotional intelligence – my own self esteem – self worth - self respect – self competence- self awareness ability to act independently, genuineness, integrity

Needed for those involving human interaction: - in addition to (building on those listed above) Social intelligence ability to be interdependent, compassion, respect for others


In addition to the above;
For :
-my family and our relationships: children, husband, sister, mum and dad and wider family
-my friends and our relationships
-caring for others- in my work and volunteer work

Commitment, love, empathy, stick-ability, tolerance, respect, resilience, vulnerability, grace, forgiveness

independence : ability to get around relates to health and car

good health: determination, positive thinking, working hard

teaching and learning and my role in that: all of the above including intellectual stimulation
and in addition: reasoning, curiosity, creativity,

creation – countryside this is incorporated in ˜spirituality':
being present- being open- being connected

dogs- i just love them all breeds - 1 breed in particular
having a sense of fun , being present,

quote:

but I won't steal your thunder.

I was just waiting for you

Steal away -- it will only be more fun!

I agree that there is overlap and that distillation is needed...... I think that will be Exercise Three.

P -- running out the door to take young Master 15yo to drivers' ed.

in a span of few minutes
with a mere three words
something absolute
everything changed
how i see the world
how i see myself
and then
with out so much as a conscious thought
i instantly reassessed my value-ABLES

and they have become more valuable than ever
more precious
every bit worth the fight

My valu-ABLES~

Connection with:
My husband
My children
My God
My friends
My body
My mind
My surroundings

Character Traits to sustain~

Re: Connection with:
My husband
My children
My God
My friends

Honour, care, cooperation, time, communication, tenacity, patience, hope, commitment, respect, faith, and a dash of creativity and humour.

Re: Connection with:
My body
My mind

Character Traits to sustain~

Honour, care, time, communication (listening to self and others), patience, hope, commitment and humour.

Re: Connection with:
My surroundings (Home, nature, office)

Character Traits to sustain~ Willingness (to learn, adapt, accept that changes take time), Creativity, ability to see beauty, optimism, faith, tenacity.

This is even tougher

Love - my H, friends, family - consideration/caring, curiosity, unselfishness, willingness to spend time on them, patience, tolerance, initiative, persistence, communication, empathy
Financial security - forward planning, responsible spending, a certain degree of selfishness (sorry but it's true!)
Freedom - to do things I enjoy or that interest me - ability to multitask and cope with stress, a certain degree of selfishness (I promise I'm not putting this in here to justify something - it just seems to keep coming up when I think of what I would have to do to get this stuff)
Music - time, determination, patience
Thinking - time, determination, patience
Being around people I respect at work and home - luck, determination, unselfishness
Interesting work - luck, determination, creativity, ability to compromise on the financial security aspect
Having the good opinion of people I admire - being a person i can admire, honesty, unselfishness, genuineness, integrity

I'm not sure I've really got the hang of this...

Really makes you think about life, what a great exercise! Here are mine...

1. GOD! Without him, all other values are meaningless in my life.

2. Family - including my husband, always being there when they need you physically or emotionally.

3. Respect - for others feelings even if they are not your feelings.

4. Making a difference in others lives by "trying" to be a good example.

5. Compromise - not always demanding what I want.

These are just a few that came to mind but I agreee, these can change (exept the first one) depending on circumstances.

Alright -- so let's take what we have and shake it out and distill it a bit.

Take all the aspects/character traits you listed as necessary to support and sustain your ValuABLES and list them all together.

Here's mine:
time, openness, cooperation, curiosity, compassion, engagement,committment, courage, tenacity, creativity.

Now take each one and use it in this sentence:
I navigate my life with [value] as my guide.

You may find that one or more of the things you listed may not make sense. For example -- in my list I have "time" as an aspect. But if I put it into that sentence, "I navigate my life with time as my guide," it doesn't really make sense. So I'll take that one off my list.

All the rest seem to work so my amended list looks like this:

openness, cooperation, curiosity, compassion, engagement,committment, courage, tenacity, creativity

Do that and then we'll move onto the next step.

P

Amended list:

Honour, care, cooperation, communication, tenacity, patience, hope, commitment, respect, faith, creativity, humour, and optimism.

I keep thinking I need to set aside a few minutes to think about this before I do it.

Obviously that isn't actually going to happen this year, sooo.... here we go, without the benefit of deep thought.

- Connecting with people
- Connection to the physical space around me
- Connection to God or the Universe or whatever that is
- Achieving deeper understanding -- both intellectual and emotional of the above

I had more specifics, but every time I wrote one, I realized it fell into one of the categories above. For example, the work I do here is a subset of connecting with people, both in terms of the friendships I've made and in terms of the connection that comes with paying forward the gifts I've received. It's also a subset of achieving a deeper understanding as I struggle to understand concepts like differentiation and how people really work.

So, okay. Character traits necessary to sustain and nourish these things:

- Connecting with people: Integrity, honesty, emotional self-awareness, compassion, time to spend with them, time to recharge and care for myself

- Connection to the physical space around me: Physical activity (cleaning, caring for, and just getting exercise), physical awareness of space, spiritual awareness of space.

- Connection to God or the Universe or whatever that is: Openness, physical awareness, spiritual awareness, concentration

- Achieving deeper understanding -- both intellectual and emotional of the above: Intellectual and emotional focus, intellectual and emotional honesty, integrity.

Back later for the next part!

quote:

Take all the aspects/character traits you listed as necessary to support and sustain your ValuABLES and list them all together.

Integrity, honesty, self-awareness, spiritual awareness, surroundings awareness, focus, concentration, right action (self care, space care, exercise, etc.), openness.

quote:

I navigate my life with [value] as my guide.

Integrity, honesty, self-awareness, awareness of Other (other people, the space around me, etc.), concentration, right action (self care, space care, care for others, exercise, etc.), openness.


Interesting how the process, for me, moves more and more towards universal statements about living life. Each aspect that was important has a common underlying theme that comes out more strongly as I filter them.

Let's see, my values...in no particular order

Honesty - both to myself and to others.

Reality - living a life that is congruent with what is really going on.

Compassion - remembering that everyone has feelings and those feelings are important.

Positive decision making - not making situations worse by giving in to negative, punitive, or vengeful behaviors.

Safety - getting to a place where I feel safe.

Healing - from past abuse and current abuse (my H's many affairs that were recently revealed)

Teaching/Inspiring - others to the best of my ability. Passing on what I've learned in a way that demonstrates the wonder of discovery. (I'm a teacher (college level))

Building community - getting others to work together and form strong teams to do amazing things.

Love - trying through counseling to learn to love (ok, like, even) myself so that I may better love or like others.

Mys