Original list:

Integrity, honesty, self-awareness, awareness of Other, concentration, right action, openness.

First question - are there any obvious contradictions? (doesn't look like it to me -- anyone see any?)

Not that I can see.

Next - are there duplicates or things I could combine? (ditto but I'm open to suggestions if you see any)

Hmmm. From Google define: integrity: "Adherence to a code of values; utter sincerity, honesty, candor; completeness" or "steadfast adherence to a code of moral or ethical values, incorruptibility, and the quality or state of being complete or undivided."

So integrity encompasses honesty and some portion of self-awareness. I'll keep the self-awareness, though, since it only addresses the wholeness part self-awareness.

And openness is the converse of awareness, and is part of honesty. I'll let that one go.

Third - are there things I really want to have that I didn't put in there? (Mmmmmm ....yesssss.... I think hospitality, kindness, and courtesy could be added.)

Yes. Compassion got removed somewhere along the way, but it needs to go back in. It's part of "right action," but it doesn't describe well enough what "right" is. And I need to add to the things to be aware of -- be aware of the intimate connection of all things. "Self" and "Other" are squishy and not nearly so distinct as we think, but they also -are-, hmmm, distinguishable.

And I want to expand concentration. There's a better word that I want. Understanding the meanings of things. The intellectual and emotional process of coming to the fullest possible understanding of a situation or thing. Perception, concentration, "getting it," grokking.... something like that.

Fourth - are the additions essential or are they inherent in what's already there?

Integrity, self-awareness, awareness of Other, right action, openness. Compassion, awareness of connections, comprehension.

I think they're essential additions. But I'm not done yet.

Fifth - Are there items on your which need balancing?

Hmmm. There's not much lightness in mine so far. It needs joy.

If you want to get really difficult and distill closer to the point of True Self ... remove all that require balancing and see what's left.

Intead, let's just distill it, and then put it in an order that makes outward linear sense...

Awareness, comprehension, integrity, compassion, action, joy.


Observe, think, love, act, enjoy.

Look at it all. Comprehend as much as you can. Act as close to right as you can get. Relish in the profound joy of existing.

Yup, there's a universal statement there.

quote:

J - I wasn't thinking so much of the class clown as I was of ..... say .... Hermione ...

I know. That's why I majored in physics. It was the only area where I -wasn't- like that.

Excellent ... really well done.

(side note -- the trees and the buildings say hi and they miss you. AND they think you should come and teach.)

Returning now to our regularly scheduled program...

If you're struggling with distilling all this ... as we move to boundaries it will become easier to see what things are essential and what things can be part of boundaries but are not at the level of
True Self values.

I'll teach there when they give PhDs for things like skinned knees and appreciating daffodils.

And really, by that time, there will be others much more qualified. That place is in my bones so deep that it owns me rather than the other way 'round -- and I know that I don't have what it takes to teach there. That's a publish or perish world, combined with stringent standards of teaching that I would never, ever reach. I'm too cold, too arrogant-seeming, too reclusive. The profs there have a warmth that I could never hope to match.

Ooookaaaay. You'll need to take that up with the trees and the buildings. I'm just telling you what they told me.

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
If you're struggling with distilling all this ... as we move to boundaries it will become easier to see what things are essential and what things can be part of boundaries but are not at the level of
True Self values.

Good thing, 'cause "I'm struggling with distilling all this"....

Recapping:

Exercise One - ValuABLES (priorites)

Exercise Two - Traits and Aspects (beginning Values)

Exercise Three - Navigation

Exercise Four - Add, Subtract, Distill, Expand

A Definition of Boundaries

Next up -- boundaries around our own choices/actions.

Exercise Five - Final Distillation toward True Self - Personal Statement of Integrity

So now that we have a list we're pretty satisfied with we'll run it through a final rinse cycle to see if we have universal statements about how we navigate our lives. Our deepest values -- the values which define our most essential and authentic selves will remain constant and will have no need of qualifiers or balancing statements.

Values are solid. They are the foundation upon which we build a life of fulfillment and joy. Values are not dependent on external events or situations. Kind of like the earth -- solid and supportive -- underlying our existence.

The statements we make about values, then, are also solid and unchanging. They do not need situational qualifiers or balancers .... they stand as elegant testimony to our True Self. If one of our listed values doesn't have quite the .... mmmmm .... steadiness (I'm seeing pretty pictures of granite) to sustain that level of elegance and simplicity we'll set it aside for now and consider it again in a bit.

Here's my list again -
cooperation, curiosity, compassion, engagement, committment, courage, kindness, responsibility

And here's the statement I'm going to use to test them:

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use [value from list] as a foundation for my actions.

*Harm defined as depriving self or another of the ability to seek inner peace and serenity. NOT as discomfort or even pain. Let me know if you have difficulty sorting this out.

Now take each value listed and drop it into that sentence. (Cutting and pasting works well.)

Then read each one and see how it feels. Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm? If it needs even a teensy bit of qualifying or balancing or "as long as I keep in mind ..." then remove it from the list.

Keep in mind, too, that we'll all define words a bit differently. Compassion and curiosity are two that might mean very different things to different people. I encourage you, if there are things on your list that you aren't sure about define the word. Brain dump what it means to you. When you get it clear in your head what it's all about for you then decide if it stays or goes. For example -- curiosity stays for me because it's about actively caring and wanting to know more about a person or situation in order to make a well informed, thoughtful, engaged choice. For someone else the word might feel more like ...nosy ... which could be self centered and manipulative and therefore would not belong on the list. Make sense?

~~~~~

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on cooperation as a foundation for my actions.

Stand alone? Yep.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on curiosity as a foundation for my actions.

Using what this word means to me ... yes this works.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on compassion as a foundation for my actions.

Ditto. (Compassion, in my use, is not about being nice or negating my own essential needs.)

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on engagement as a foundation for my actions.

Yes.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on commitment as a foundation for my actions.

Yes.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on courage as a foundation for my actions.

I had to think about this one too in terms of how I define courage. For me it's about facing inner fears and angst and healing or soothing those rather than about brandishing a sword (or pen) ... although I'm perfectly happy to do that as well but it doesn't come up to the level of Values.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on kindness as a foundation for my actions.

Absolutely. I'm surprised at how this has become something that resonates so deeply with me over the course of doing this exercise.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on responsibility as a foundation for my actions.

Yep.

Ok - cool. When you can do that take them all and put them into the same sentence - rearranging the order if you like:

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I rely on curiosity, compassion, cooperation, engagement, committment, courage, kindness, and, responsibility as a foundation for my actions.

Do they all work together? Does it capture you at your very best, most authentic, clear, calm, grounded, Self?

If so ... then what you have in front of you is your Personal Statement of Integrity.

Integrity defined as: A robust,internally consistent, an cohesive framework.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Penny_SYMC,

My distilled list:
Honour, cooperation, communication, tenacity, hope, commitment, faith, creativity

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use HONOUR as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, it's real and yes, it stands alone. I think it could potentially cause harm because when someone's idea of honour does not align with mine there could be an unwanted result. For example, a whistle-blower could be fired from their job. In the end, it might have been the best thing to happen to all, but as it's going on, it could get very uncomfortable. So, remove it? I can't imagine needing to remove it.


Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use COOPERATION as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, yes, and once again, I see the potential for harm. I could cooperate to the point of enabling someone. Interesting how my mind works.


Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use COMMUNICATION as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, yes, and it's a keeper.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use TENACITY as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, yes, and <insert broken record here> I see that this could really cause some potential harm. Let's say I was on a jury and 11 of them said not guilty and I truly believed the person was guilty and refused to budge. I am being tenatious, but also causing some big problems for many people, possibly including myself.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use HOPE as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, yes, and <whew!> another keeper.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use COMMITMENT as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, yes, and <no more pithy comments about broken records, but, uh, yeah, here I go again> I see the potential for harm. I probably don't need to explain... see above... I'm committed, I'm tenacious, I'm not budging...

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use FAITH as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Honestly, this just feels wrong. I'm taking it off my list. I liked it there, but it doesn't feel authentic at the moment.

Every choice I make and every action I take reflects my best, most essential, most authentic self - without contradiction or harm* - when I use CREATIVITY as a foundation for my actions.

Is it real? Can it stand alone? Can you really base your decisions on this value and not cause harm?

Yes, yes, and maybe. The fact that I may have to qualify this means it's going off the list.

So, did I do this right? I'm confuzzled - seriously.

All I have to keep is communication and hope. Is that right?

Soooo ... how about thinking about the definition of harm. Discomfort or pain is not harm. They are often absolutely essential parts of positive action. Not taking action with a kid who is in trouble (grades, drugs, sex, poor choice of friends, etc.) because you don't want to cause discomfort or pain is utterly harmful. Doing the parent thing and grounding his butt or taking some other action will cause a whole lot of upset AND it's what needs to be done.

I'm also wondering about the "not budging" thing. At what point is that out of balance?

(I don't think you're confuzzled at all -- I think you're processing and working through stuff really well. )

P

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
Soooo ... how about thinking about the definition of harm.

I mentioned a whistle-blower and enabling...

I agree that a whistle-blower might be uncomfortable (losing job, being shunned) but do it anyway, so I understand what you mean. So, honour goes back on my list.

The enabler is a little more difficult, but again, *my* quest is for cooperation (not enabling) and as long as I am keeping my eyes open to the truth I should be able to avoid enabling. So, back on my list it goes.

Tenacity and committment... more to the second question you asked...

quote:

I'm also wondering about the "not budging" thing. At what point is that out of balance?

Awesome question... and my lack of balance has been very noticeable within my body lately. I have had two significant panic attacks that were about a lot of issues surrounding the episodes... in fact, some of the issues were *about* honor (truth, integrity) and what I believe to be ""right""... I was placed in a precarious position by others in authority... and felt out of control and scared... and then cracked/crashed or whatever else you might call it.

How did my tenacity and committment serve me then?

Tenacity kept the energy going, even negative energy. Committment was divided and that made ME very uncomfortable. In fact, it caused harm all over the place - but - can it stand alone in the statement? In thinking deeply about this over the last few days (I saw your question on Monday before our Holiday Tuesday - Canada Day - Yay!)... I realize that I have allowed harm in all directions in my desire to remain committed. This has been a lifelong struggle.

Okay, they're gone.

My amended list is now: Honour, cooperation, communication and hope.

I have gotten behind the rest of you. Here I will post my Exercise Two:

Marriage - devotion, honesty, nurturing, understanding, empathy, unselfishness, trust, respect, humor

Spirituality - honor, trust, growth, student, servant

Humanitarian - empathy, unselfishness, patience, tolerance

Father - Same as above, mentor, openness, truth, pride

Friendships - same as above, concern, sharing

Health - respect, honor, pride

Rewarding career - reward, time, commitment

Environmental steward - time, action, commitment, concern

CONSOLIDATED LIST:
devotion, honesty, nurturing, understanding, empathy, unselfishness, trust, respect, humor, honor, growth, student, servant, patience, tolerance, mentor, openness, truth, pride, concern, sharing, reward, time, commitment, concern

I will take time to reflect on all these and edit/amend as appropriate. I struggle with some of these values, but that is a good thing, since all are my ideals and virtues to strive for at all times.

Alrighty! Now that we have the wedding and the camping/festival/prison project out of the way it's time to get back to this!

Let's review and then I want to move on to creating boundary statements.

Exercise I - making a list of priorities or valuABLES.

Exercise II - list the character traits or aspects necessary to sustain your priorites or valuABLES. These are your values.

Exercise III - Check to see how you're doing by inserting those aspects/traits into this sentence: I navigate my life with [value] as my guide. If it doesn't make sense either tweak it or lose it.

Exercise IV - Distillation and Expansion (what's redundant and what's missing?)

When you've done those you're ready to move on to boundaries!

I posted a definition of boundaries a while back let's dig that out.

quote:

something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line

A boundary, for this conversation, is a statement of limits.

So for this exercise we'll need that and our Statement of Personal Integrity ... the final distillation of our values lists.

Ready?

I ran through Exercise 5 just to make sure I hadn't missed anything, and remain satisfied with the simpler version I came up with. I'm a Bare of very little brain right now. Short words are better. And yes, it's all real, stands alone, and yes, you can base decisions on 'em and not cause harm.

Awareness, comprehension, integrity, compassion, action, joy.

Observe, think, love, act, enjoy.

Look at it all. Comprehend as much as you can. Act as close to right as you can get. Relish the profound joy of existing.

So. I'm waiting for the boundary part!

Ready!

Hi Penny and all,

I am posting this here for feedback as I develop it.

My values list
Passion, commitment, concern, tolerance, service (nurturing is included in service), respect, humor, trust, devotion, honesty, empathy (understanding is an element of empathy), awareness and (by virtue of Nyneve) optimism

Now I need to develop the boundaries piece.

I need help and direction.

Talk to me about tolerance. Define what it means for you. What do you tolerate? Everything? Only some things?

How about passion? Define it. Spew words until there are no more.

And humor. Do you navigate 100% of the time using humor as your guide?

What does awareness mean to you?

P

M-k. So we took a little break there ....

Back to boundaries .....

Here's our working definition of Boundaries:

quote:

something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line

A boundary, for this conversation, is a statement of limits.

We switch directions here to some extent. In identifying and defining our values we used a statement about how we navigate our lives to get to our Personal Statement of Integrity.

If you'll remember from one of my first posts our Values are about us. They are internal and cannot be taken from us. No one can violate our values except we ourselves. The violation of our integrity is always a choice we make. Sooo .... no one but I can choose to disregard my values of curiosity, compassion, cooperation, engagement, committment, courage, kindness, and, responsibility.

Boundaries, otoh, are about what allow in our lives in congruency with our values. Boundaries, then, are about others.

To differentiate - if we do things contrary to our integrity we violate our values. If someone else steps over our statements about what is and is not acceptable they violate our boundaries. Got it?

Primary boundaries are those directly related to our Personal Statement of Integrity. But, really, we have lots more boundaries than just that .... we'll have boundaries about what's acceptable in terms of housekeeping and pet care and clothing and the indoor temperature ... you name it. Those are secondary and tertiary boundaries. You can probably name ten off the top of your head.

In fact ... to get the hang of it ... let's start there. How long will it take you to come up with ten?

Some mundane boundaries at my house:
Shoes come off at the door
You must bring your own laundry to the laundry room
Daily jobs before screen time
We don't kill things in my house (e.g. bugs)
Eat at the table (not wandering around the house)
If you eat elsewhere - take care of trash and dishes properly
Pets do not get fed at the table
Say please and thank you (extra points for foreign language)
Use an indoor voice when indoors
Bedtime is when I say

5 minutes

P

quote:

Those are secondary and tertiary boundaries. You can probably name ten off the top of your head.

You stumped me at "tertiary" and I had to look it up (Tertiary ter·ti·ar·y [tur-shee-er-ee, tur-shuh-ree] adjective, noun, plural -ar·ies. –adjective 1. of the third order, rank, stage, formation, etc.; third.).

Ahem. Okay.

Here's my list:

Love us, love our cat. She is as important as the humans in our home - except in her mind, where she's more important!

No throwing jackets, shoes or purses on the floor

Make the bed daily

Laundry goes to the basket

Whoever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes

Unplug small appliances when not in use - can opener, toaster, coffee maker, etc.

Leave the night light on in the kitchen, landing and bathroom at all times - er, especially at night.

Keep temperature in house consistent and comfortable.

Keep house as peaceful as possible, which doesn't necessary mean quiet. Husband playing guitar is absolutely encouraged.

Tea before bed is a necessary luxery!

- No toys in the living room.
- Get dressed before having breakfast.
- Be respectful in meetings.
- Never tell a client that he or she is an idiot (even if it's true).
- WALK when you're near a swimming pool.
- The A/C runs only when the house temperature goes above 82 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Clean up right after eating and/or cooking.
- Don't mess with the money. Just don't.
- Be honest.