I am really not sure what is going on. I thought I was in a place where people helped others. I thought I could count on some sort of support here.

For three days I have felt on the verge of a mental breakdown. I have talked to the people in my real life and gotten no where. I have come here and posted over and over the things that I am terrified about. I have asked for help...and mostly been ignored. Tiggy did offer me some advice about not believing that who I feel I am is who I really am. I appreciate the fact that she tried to help...but that is hard advice to put into practice right now.
I am desparate here. Please help me!!

I am sorry if all you guys ever hear from me is sad, angry, crappy stuff. But that is basically what my life is right now. If no body is interested or can help would somebody please just come out and say to get lost? Sorry for whatever I have done that warrants being left completely alone to deal with this.

I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. Please, please help me.

Hello Melissa. From your written words and the title of this thread, you sound scared. Are you feeling scared?

What do you want?

I am scared...I am terrified.

I don't know what to do anymore. J is spiraling out of control and he has my son half the time. When he has him I can do nothing to protect him from his father's chaos. He is just a baby. What if J does something really stupid or dangerous. DS can't use a phone to call me or 911 if necessary.

And now J is getting back at me by "choosing not to answer his phone or call me back" when he has DS. It scares me.

And there is nothing I can do about it. He hasn't done anything directly to hurt our son. But he is acting irresponsibly, there has been some erratic behavior that has worsened over the last several months and he recently was arrested. So I fear the he will feel that he has nothing left to lose and he will just keep getting worse.

All my compassion and trying to work with J instead of against him has enabled him to get to this point. I have tried so hard to do this the right way and preserve as much normalcy as possible for DS. And keep J in his life so that I am not the cause of DS not having a relationship with is father. Once again I did everything that you are supposed to do. I did everything that I thought was the right thing and all I get is screwed.

Hi -

I've been there. It was not a good place/feeling. I did get some help from here, from a few close friends. Family was there for me but tend to be hurt, angry with the wayward partner and that didn't help.

I found Tiggy's words very helpful, inspiring even.

quote:

Tiggy did offer me some advice about not believing that who I feel I am is who I really am.

I had been paralysed by fear. Not facing up to an unbearble, or decomposing situation is tacit approval. By choosing not to act we are signing up for the situation.

I'm not suggesting fault on your part. I haven't studied your situation.

By 'Facing up to it". I finally stopped responding to whatever external 'stuff' was thrown at me.

Instead I studied up on:

what was really going on.
What possibilities existed.
What was the probability of any given outcome.
What did I need to start/stop doing to increase the probability of the most possitive outcomes.

Then with considerable nudging, I reluctantly began to act. Small plans this day I'll do X, Tommorow I'll do Y, The next day Z...

I had to humble myself, and also accept that it might not work the way I wanted, but I was going to act in accordance with my values.

It still hurt. I slept better most nights. I had small accomplishments most weeks.

None of the things I feared most happened. I planned my days so there were little resting places. At least a little quiet time to read. I read the Bible though a couple times, also some leisure reading I can't ussually afford time-wise; but I needed the break in my day to rest. Faith also helped me not feel so alone.

I walked. I borrowed a nieghbor's dog fairly often to walk with. It's hard to stay down when walking a 'clowny' Dalmation. I cut and split mountains of firewood. I volenteered a lot of places.... It all helped me.

I'm also a mariner. I can't navigate the ship looking backwards. I need to remember mistakes only to learn to avoid them in the future if possible.

Focusing on today, even just laying down for 10 minutes, and breathing calmly, thinking of snow melting, spring comming can help me push my faulty thinking aside for a while.

You are more than you know. We can see some of you here,and believe easily.

What do you need to do today?, tommorow?

I'm sorry I'm not on the boards as often as I'd like right now.

SB

quote:

I am scared...I am terrified.

Yes, I can tell you are scared and terrified.

What I hear you saying is that you fear for your DS with his father? Because you believe his father to be mentally unstable?

If he was recently arrested, I think that gives you some solid grounds to ask for protection. Even if that means supervised visits for your DS and his father.

How can you be responsible for J losing his rights as a father because of his actions? How can you be the cause of the demise in their relationship if J is the one making all the decisions from all his different choices?

You can be the best mother possible to DS and protect him (and yourself) from J's chaos. He doesn't have to take the whole ship down with him.

quote:

I am sorry if all you guys ever hear from me is sad, angry, crappy stuff. But that is basically what my life is right now. If no body is interested or can help would somebody please just come out and say to get lost? Sorry for whatever I have done that warrants being left completely alone to deal with this.

Melissa...

first you sound like you could use a few of these:


next.. let me say that the people here at symc do their best to be here as often as possible to help.

The moderators and our fearless leader Penny all volunteer their time, their hearts and their experiences with everyone here. Sometimes we have other personal things that need to be handled, or there are other people here who's lives are pressing too. I believe that all of us here are working full time jobs as well. So, sometimes.. not everyone's threads get looked at. I apologize if you felt ignored.

I realize that right now you are scared and feeling alone...please try not to take things so personally.

Your choices concerning your son are limited in what you can and cannot control. You can choose to see if there is something you can do thru the courts to ensure that contact is made with your son everyday he is with your H. If you are truly concerned that there is a danger to his welfare and safety when he is with your H, then you will have to work thru the courts to get awarded 100% custody.

Now if, this is more about your fears, your worries, your lack of control while he is in his fathers care, then you have to look at that.
If.. his welfare is being looked after (even if its not to your standards or liking) and if he is not in any physical danger, then you have no choice but to accept the situation as it is. You cannot control anything while your son is in his fathers care. That is something that you have to learn to live with.

Now I realize that he is too little to take care of himself and cannot reach out to you if there truly is an issue. That is why if you believe that his welfare and safety are at risk when he's with your H, you HAVE no choice but to go thru the courts. If you have an atty, call him and discuss what options you have.

Do you understand? What happens between you and J is between you and him. Your son is a seperate issue entirely... and unless you can prove that J is an unfit father, then you really have to let go.

Now as for enabling J. He got himself to this point. You got yourself to this point. You are NOT the 'cause' of DS having or not having a relationship with his father. His father will be the determining factor of that. If it turns out that there is a real need for you to have 100% custody, that would not be your 'fault'. Though I'm sure J might blame you for it. The fault lies with J not being a responsible parent.

So... what do you think you'd like to do about that?

and I'll reiterate Tiggy's question as well.. What do you want?

Loui

I don't know that J would hurt our son. But I don't know this person that he has become.

This is not the man that J presented himself as when I married him. He has threatened suicide twice since I moved out. He was never the most attentive father...because I was there to take care of DS. But now there is no one there.

The only reason I don't have a full scale panic attack everytime that J comes to pick DS up is because I know that the majority of the time J's mom will be there. DS stays with her during the day and they stay over there almost until DS's bedtime each night. But when he refuses to answer the phone I wonder what is going on that he won't tell me how my son is.

Like I said he has never actually hurt our child...but I don't trust that he couldn't or wouldn't. But in court that would be an unfounded accusation and slander to say that i think J could put DS in a bad situation.

His arrest was for hot checks...so not something dangerous, just stupid. But my concern is how bad is this going to get? How many more stupid things is J going to do before I can do something. I don't know what kind of people J is bringing into our son's life.

At one point he was paying no bills and still going through all his paycheck each month plus another $500-$600 by overdrafting his account. What was he buying? Where was the money going? Was it alcohol, drugs, prostitutes or just reckless spending? Either way he isn't putting our son first and taking care of his needs.

When he was arrested, if DS had been with him instead of with me, CPS would have been called in. My baby would have been with people he didn't know, in a place he had never been for who knows how long. Hours probably...possibly overnight. What kind of trauma would that have caused? And it could still happen if DS is with J the next time something like this happens. Because I am pretty sure there will be a next time...there always is with J.

So Melissa..

If I was telling you what you told me..

what would you say?

I think you should call an atty and talk to them about the situation. If you are worried that J isn't being responsible when your son is there. If you are worried about his welfare..then see what can be done.

Now.. do you have a problem in working towards 100% custody? Is there something about that that is upsetting?

Loui

Sorry if I sounded like a jerk..I know people are busy. But when I just wait my turn and keep being nice and letting stuff go and never get heard that is when I end up where I am today.

I try to put other's first always. When I ask for help for myself I don't always get it and that is alright. But...once again I am invisible.

I just wanted someone to care. Someone to tell me that I am not crazy and overprotective. To tell me that it is okay to be scared and I am not wrong for worrying about my baby boy.

Sorry for being the sqeaky wheel. It won't happen again.

Melissa..

oy.. baby.. [[[hugs]]]

we're having a huge pity party today..

So... stop worrying about being a 'squeaky wheel'...

and its not about being over protective and crazy. If you are genuinely worried about DS's safety then you must do what you must do.

even if its not what you want to do.

so.. this feeling invisible thing...
what is that about eh?
I'm wondering if its about the same thing going on with DS?

feeling unloved? or unvalued?

or out of control?

So sweetie.. tell me..
What do you want?

Loui

Hi -

You sound like a compasionate mom that is in an icky, and uncertain situation... quite human.

FWIW I think it's great your reaching out. For support, For ideas, for other perspectives.

I think we all benitit from slowing down, considering others ideas, and then organizing to do what is needed.

{{{{MK24}}}

SB

________________________________

I had to leave for a while to calm myself down. I was not getting anywhere running on fear and being upset.

I had to struggle not to feel that the comment about having a pity party was a bit condescending. It made me feel that my feelings and emotions were being completely invalidated. I felt as though I were being seen as unworthy of concern...true concern instead of a pat on the head and condecencion.

I have talked with my attorney about my concerns and he agrees that this is a situation that needs to be addressed. Unfortunately there is no proof that J would cause harm to our son. As I said before it would be slander to say that he poses a danger to DS.

I don't know if J would hurt our son...but obviously I am not a good judge of what J will or will not do...because I didn't think he would lie to me or cheat on me or be so irresponsible in so many ways.

I feel as if I am putting my son in the hands of a stranger because that is who J is to me now. He is not the man I thought he was, the man I trusted and loved. He is a stranger and I am required to entrust my child's life and safety to a person that for all intents and purposes I DO NOT KNOW.

So I had a bit of an anxiety attack. And in the midst of it (it has been building for 3 days) I tried to get help for what felt like the millionth time. No one responded so I freaked out. And here I am having to explain myself as if I did something wrong.

Like I said sorry for imposing.
I don't think that I am overreacting, but it seems that others believe that I am.

Melissa..

I'm sorry you thought it was condescending..that was not my intention. You are worthy of concern.

It just sounds to me that you are really wayyyyy stuck in core hurts. That you're really just sitting in this big puddle of internal hurt.
so here's some more hugs


Now.. if I read this correctly here is the truth of your situation.

Your atty says the situation needs to be addressed. And you can't do anything without proof.

So.. what would it take to get the proof you need in order to prove in a court of law that your son's father poses a danger to DS.

On the other hand about how you are feeling in response to what is your perception about no one caring here....
You are walking around with this huge core hurt hanging over you.

This is not about you, per se. Its about what happened here and how you percieve it.

Melissa...
I know that its upsetting when your son is not with you. I know that you really expect your H to behave in a more compassionate manner and I know that you feel things are completely out of your control.

So..

what do you want to do about the situation as it stands and how can we help you accomplish that?

Loui

oh and sweetie.. I'm leaving for the day so I won't be back till tomorrow.

do yourself a favor.
Tonight.. sit down and watch a movie or read a book.
Make hot chocolate or tea or something soothing to drink.

And just relax and get absorbed... forget things for a little while.

okay? Do something that makes you feel good.

promise me that you will.

Loui

((((((((((Melissa))))))))))))

I am just now catching up on your last posts.

I just want you to know that I care.

And if your son is in immediate danger, please just call the authorities and go to court later.

There is something about the sense of your posts that feels so similar to some of my experiences Melissa.

For years and years and even now sometimes....I feel invisible. I was the oldest of 6 girls who would protect my sisters by picking fights with my stepdad so he would beat me instead of them.
So invisible as an adult felt surprisingly good at first.

Sometimes I make myself invisible by helping others at my own expense. I am working on bring Tiggy's health into the equation too.

Sometimes I make myself invisible by being silly and trying to make others laugh. I am just aware of that one because, well, I enjoy play acting sometimes.

I felt invisible because I became my roles in other people's lives - mom, wife, student....especially mom and wife. I felt like I almost got lost in the roles and forgot who I am without those roles.

I am talking a lot about me I guess. I'm sorry. I relate to some of what I have read of yours.

Melissa, take care of yourself.

I don't mind you talking about yourself Tiggy. It helps me realize that I am not alone. I am not the only one that has felt invisible.

I hope that you didn't take it that I didn't appreciate you advice yesterday. I do need to remember that my feelings aren't always a tru reflection of who I am. I guess I was just past the point of being able to differentiate between feelings and reality.

Thank you for trying to help me. I really am sorry to everyone for the way I behaved earlier. This is why I really hate letting emotions take over. Anyway...thanks for putting up with me and for continuing to try to help.

And Tiggy thanks again for letting me know that you can relate. I don't feel so invisible now.

quote:

I hope that you didn't take it that I didn't appreciate you advice yesterday.

Oh my gosh - don't even worry about it!!! Didn't take it wrong at all. Take what works and leave the rest is always a good policy.

quote:

This is why I really hate letting emotions take over.

It hurts when that happens.

So, Melissa.....I'll put up with you if you'll put up with me Be careful to what you agree to though...I am coming up on that PMS time of the month.

Seriously, though, we humans are always growing and bumping around. And I am glad you are here!!!

Hi Melissa

I don't usually reply to your thread because I don't have any advice to give. But I always read it, and I'm sorry for the situation you're in.

It would be terrifying to have your vulnerable little boy in the care of somebody you don't feel you know or trust for so many days. I'm looking at my little bubbus now and... well it would just be terrifying.

I presume any remedy you'd have for this would be legal in nature? Can it be specified that you have to be able to check up on him every day? Or can you go for having more custody than you currently have? If you think J is up to destructive things, is it possible to get proof of this to use to get more custody? Or can it be specified that your son has to be under the supervision of J's mum all the time? Stuff like that? I don't know what the legal rules are there, but is it worth looking at what options would make you feel more secure about DS's safety, and find out whether they can be enforced?

Good luck with the job btw.

Sorry again for yesterday...the four days without DS and no contact with him for most of the time just pushed me over the edge.

I think I have figured out why it is such a trigger for me...other than my control issues (which I never thought I had until J). For a while before I left I didn't feel "safe" with J. I don't necessarily mean physically safe because he wouldn't have hit me. And I am not saying that because I think he is too noble for that, he is just aware that I would not have stood for it...I would have left much faster over physical abuse than cheating. Plus the number of people that would have signed up to do him physical damage for hitting me is pretty enormous.

Anyway...sorry rambling. I never really knew what he was going to do though, even during the last few months before I left. He had become completely unpredictable. Would he come home, if he did would he be in a good mood, bad mood, ignoring everything including me and the baby mood??

And he has a low frustration threshold so I was never real sure that he could handle DS alone...as sometimes he can be frustrating to deal with, as all small children can be. Then add in the fact that he has anger management issues...the day I moved out he went out in the yard and punched the fence several times, hard enough to break about 6 pickets. And he did it in full view of my parents, DS and myself. It scared DS.

I guess I was projecting my feelings knowing way more about J and the situation than DS would know on to DS.

I don't know if DS is in any real danger with J. But I don't trust him especially when he refuses to answer his phone or call me back. It makes me wonder what he is hiding. He used to always do that when he didn't want me to know about something that shouldn't be happening. Which is bad enough when it involves your marriage, but so much worse when it involves your child.

It just triggered so much of the junk from during our marriage with the extra issues associated with involving our son...who can't tell me if he is freaked out by something.

So mix all that up add a dash of self importance and major control problems...and voila. your basic crazy screaming woman panic attack.

Have I mentioned that I feel really, really, really bad about that??

Melissa, you don't need to apologize for anything. We've all had those kind of days, and probably no one understands more than this community. We're always here for you and so don't feel bad, k?

I sense in your posts that you're learning from the experience, which is really what your body is trying to tell you. It's pushing you to change the paradigm and grow.

And that is scary and honestly, I can understand why you would feel the way you do.

If we can help with the panic though, that's where I would focus if I were you. Emotional regulation is very difficult but rewarding work.

Hang in there. It's all hard.

And I'm really sorry you felt alone. That feeling is awful. I'm glad you reached out and asked for help.
GS