I am feeling a little hurt today...and it's over something completely silly...

There was this guy in high school (yes, I know...it was high school) that I was completely head over heels for. He is the only guy that was ever truly honest with me about his feeligs...and that was an issue cause even though he liked me he didn't like me "that way".

Stick with me...there is a point.

So even though he didn't want to date me, since I was totally "in love" with him, I decided that I would take what I could get and I would be his friend. We became really close and I am one of the few people from back in the day that he kept in touch with when he went into the Army and overseas for his 3 tours of duty.

He is married now...to a great girl. The only one of his girlfriends ever in the 10 years I have known him to get my approval. All the rest were...questionable at best. But his wife is a great lady. And I have considered him one of my best friends for years. There is no longer any romantic interest at all...just a strong shared history and lots of platonic love...or so I thought.

The problem is that he is also friends with J. This came about when J and I started dating. They are both into cars and racing and I introduced them once J and I were together. This friend of mine has been the one that J has gone to since we separated and cried to about how I left and I am sure has said all manner of untrue and crappy things about me. I finally told him a couple of weeks ago what happened....why I left J.
When I left J this guy was in town on R&R from overseas and J called him falling apart the night I moved out. He never called me to see how I was...but his wife did and since he had to leave the next day or two to go back to Iraq he told his wife to check up on me and make sure I was okay. Great, right?

Yeah until he gets back a couple of weeks ago. I tell him why I left J and he immediately tells me "Oh, well he never did that kind of thing when I was around." First this statement is questionable...cause he probably wouldn't have told me anyway...but whatever. Then he tells me that J is an idiot.

Now I never expected him to choose between us. I didn't plan to make him pick me or J. I figured that we could still both be friends with this guy and his wife. Apparently not.

He is talking to J on a regular basis...I have talked to him once. He is helping J move...I haven't even actually seen him since he has been back. I sent him and his wife an email on Myspace...no reply.

How much does it suck that my "best friend" from high school is now my STBX's best friend and I am not even important enough to talk to?

Today I am in a strange, poinant, pondery, nostalgic type mood.

I went to a funeral over the weekend. For a young man that I has been in around and on the edges of my life for over 14 years. He was a friend of my brother's..he was an 18 year old kid...and now he's gone.

His parents of course are devastated. He held such a bright light...and now that light is gone, back to heaven with his Holy Father. He was getting ready to go to college, wanted to enter the ministry. His earthly body was weak with CP, and the disease he lived with everyday erroded his ability to fight off illness. It is absolutely heartbreaking that he is gone.

His funeral was packed, easily 700 people there whose lives were touched by this remarkable, amazing, wonderful young man.

I just keep thinking about his parents. They adopted him, and he was theirs as if his mother had given birth to him. They were told that they didn't have to take him home, once they knew he had CP...but they never gave not taking him a thought. He was their son. I cannot imagine the pain they must being going through.

I have thought about how hard it must be to lose a child. I have only to give mine up for a few days at a time. What would I do if I were to lose him for good? What if he passed away? Just thinking about it twists my stomach into knots. I pray so hard for the safety of my child. And I pray for the parents of this boy, for the pain that they and his younger sister must be feeling.

Hey Melissa,

That is one of the things that stays with you pretty much on a constant basis.. worrying about your children and the underlying fear of loss. There is nothing more devastating, in my mind. I lost my cousin many long years ago and it can still bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. There are people here on SYMC who have dealt with it too.

Its one of the few things I can honestly say that reminds me to treasure their presence every day.

Loui

I am having a really hard time getting over the guilt of ending my marriage. I have owned the decision. I feel that this is the best answer to a bad situation. I know in my gut that continuing would only give J more and more opportunities to lie to me, rather than him taking the same opportunities to be honest and work on our relationship.

But my biggest source of guilt is my religion. I am a Christian. By my faith I believe that the Bible is the inerrant, infallible word of God. And in the Bible it says that God HATES divorce. No qualifiers, no ifs, ands or buts...He hates it. And I am not exactly a big fan. But staying and having my trust and my emotions abused by J just couldn't be an option for me any longer.

I tried, I worked, I went to counseling, I forgave, I talked, I asked him what he needed from me, I extended trust before it was earned...knowing that trust has to be given before he can prove himself. And everytime he broke his promises, he lied, he proved only that he was becoming more inventive in his stories to cover his butt. I did everything I could do for this man and our marriage. And still the fact that our marriage fell apart is still laid at my feet. It was "my fault" according to J. And I still sometimes feel that it was. I know intellectually it wasn't...but I am the one that bailed out. I am the one that went to see an attorney, I am the one that filed the papers...and I am the one that refuses to go back.

But everytime that I think about going back I feel as if I might honestly die emotionally. I would be there physically...but other than that I would simply be a shell of who I really am. I can't raise my son that way.

Knowing all of this...feeling as if I made the only decision I had to make...why can't I just let the guilt go? It is almost as painful to carry around this guilt as it is to carry around the feelings of failure as a wife each time you find new facts of his infidelity. This is torture...what do I do?

Melissa,

I too had problems with thinking it was wrong. After a while of searching I found scripture where God says it's ok in case of infidelity after you've done everything you could do.

Melissa, It's Matthew chapter 19.

The thing about that verse is that there is another way to interpret that.

He could be saying that divorce causes the spouses to commit adultery...unless they were already commiting that sin. The sin of adultery can't be caused by a divorce if it is also the reason for the divorce. I am not sure if that made sense the way I wrote it...I heard this interpretation today from a preacher that I have alot of respect for. And it just hit me hard I guess.

I don't know which interpretation is correct. All I know is I feel this overwhelming guilt pressing down on me. I feel sick to my stomach everytime that I hear preaching on this subject...becuase I feel like people and God look at me with disgust because I left a marriage that was never going to get better. I feel judged...though no one has ever shown me judgement.

I still feel what I did was the only thing I could do...but I hate to think that my relationship with God will be endangered by this. I know my sins are forgiven...God even knew that this was going to happen in my life...so it's not like he didn't know what was coming...and he gave me the choice to make anyway. But I feel like I am unable to ask Him for anything...because I didn't live up to what I promised to Him and to J. I feel like I shouldn't even pray for peace in this decision or comfort when DS is not with me.

I feel unworthy of the love my Father in heaven has for me.

IMHO You did not break your vows. He did. You did what you could to help him fix it but he didn't. God will not hold you accountable for others sins.
AND...With your child, at your angriest moment, do you love your child any less?? Is your child any less worthy of your love. Does he even have to be worthy of love for you to give/feel love? I'll bet you don't even consider worthiness and neither does God. The love simply is there for you to receive and give...or not. I suggest you take it and wrap yourself way up in it!

First of all thanks LGO and TJ for your kind words and encouragement.

I have been spending the last few weeks just working on me...and I feel pretty good about it.

Mediation is in less than a week. Hoping for a good outcome and to resolve issues so that this can all be over. Wish me luck!

Good luck!

Good luck!

i found praying for patience, peace, willingness to be open to the'process', etc.. help me.

I had similar feelings, sorrow. The above posts are great IMHO.

Sometimes I just pray for peace, peace of mind (even a little piece!).

All the best,
SB

I did it! I did it!

I stood up for myself, didn't let J convince me to take the easy way, the non-confrontational way, the way that is less momentarily uncomfortable...also known as the way that he gets what he wants and I get guilted, lied to and cheated out of what I need for me.

We are supposed to go to mediation tomorrow. He called me last night and proposed that we should just sit down one on one and try to work this out on our own. Funny, isn't that what I suggested when this started...and several times since? And isn't he the one that said we would handle this situation solely through our attorneys and he would not discuss this with me outside of contact with attorneys.

So I told him no. Told him that he asked for it to go this way, that I had offered to handle it another way, that he had missed his chance and we would be going to mediation tomorrow.

I didn't do this to get back at him, I didn't let him make me feel bad when he insinuated that he didn't really have the money to pay for the mediator. I simply remembered that if we were to meet one on one he would manipulate, guilt, take advantage and try to convince me to give him what he wants. It would disolve into an argument and when we finally come to a conclusion it would have no real legal weight.

So I told him no. I told him that he is the one that wanted to handle it this way and I was not going to change the plan now. I informed him that I would still be at the mediators office with my attorney, just as he has been pushing for since the very beginning. I wasn't hateful or rude. I didn't do it from a place of spite or fear. I simply thought through the situation, felt that the best outcome for me and my son would be better served to handle it through mediation and told J that.

I am so PROUD of myself!! Yay me!

yay for you sweetie.. good job.

sigh.. its so hard when you are not one for confrontation. I'm sorta in a similar situation with my exH right now and I know the anxiety I've been going thru!

Now.. don't let him (or his atty) walk all over you tomorrow. Go in with a bottom line number and remember that this is about you and your baby!

Loui

Well done!!!
How'd it go???

I can't believe it...but it's done. We settled.

I never thought that J would agree to anything. I get the impression that his atty didn't know as much about the situation as he should have. And he knew that going before the judge could work out worse for J than if he just settled, because the judge that we would have gone before tends to not take kindly to irresponsible parents.

I won't go into the details, but I feel that it worked out in such a way that it will allow me to provide consistency and stability and keep DS a bit removed from J's chaos.

You sound like you were grounded, thoughtful, and calm all the way through, Melissa. That's absolutely fantastic. I am so glad that you have a solution that protects you and your son, even though it's not a solution that anyone would have wanted at the beginning of all this.

When do the new "rules" go into effect, or have they already?

Melissa-

It's great that you were able to focus on the outcome and it worked out well.

I'm glad you were able to stay focussed on keeping DS protected from most of the chaos.

ATB,
SB

quote:

When do the new "rules" go into effect, or have they already?

Well technically they will go into effect once the decree is signed by the judge. But it is going to constitute a pretty large change for DS. And I don't want to do anything that big all in one jump, ya know? So hopefully J can get over acting like a child that has had his toy taken away and sit down to talk with me about the best way to make this transition as smooth as possible for DS.

He won't speak to me at all at this point.

He asked to speak with me privately after we had come to an agreement after mediation. I sat down with him while the attys were writing it all up. He threw all sorts of things at me, how I was ripping his heart out, why did I want money for things that I had done...like support him while he was out wasting his money and getting himself in trouble, why was I "taking his son away". I stayed calm and told him that I wasn't take DS away...I was just trying to provide a stable and healthy environment for him. And as far as the money went I had asked for it not expecting that I would get a dime. He agreed to it, NOBODY forced him. I even told him that if he didn't think it was fair or that he shouldn't have to agree to what I asked he should tell he atty that he changed his mind.

What was most upsetting to me was that he then told me that I was making him look bad and acting like I never did anything wrong. I told him that I wasn't doing anything of the sort, that I was more than willing to take responsibility for my part of this...but I was NEVER going to let him put his bad choices on my shoulder ever again. I was really proud of myself that I managed to make my point and say what needed to be said to each of his complaints without losing my temper or becoming emotially overwrought. I think I handled it well.


It really hacks me off that he spent probably 15 mins on how he couldn't believe how I was asking for so much money...which in fact was really not that much in the grand scheme...but spent one sentence on DS.

Makes me very sad that in every interaction with him I can always see where his priorities lie. I hope that DS never understand that he isn't J's top priority...but I know someday that is exactly what will happen. And I will be the one that gets to pick up the peices of my baby's broken heart.

Well Melissa... you did great really. And he is upset at the turn his life has taken. Even if its ultimately his own fault things have gone the way they have... remember addicts rarely are able to look at their choices and take responsibility for them. In their mind things always seem to happen 'to' them rather than because of them.

And his blaming you for seemingly making him look bad is more about what he is feeling about himself than what you are doing.

No matter how much it may be hard to do, protecting yourself and your son should always be your first priority. Your son will learn over the coming years who will be there for him. Hopefully it will be 2 parents, rather than 1.

Loui