I don't know why I feel like I have to do something. Maybe because I see my mother really struggling to deal with it. It's causing so many problems for them and I don't want to see either of them unhappy or making the other unhappy. I also don't want his drinking to affect my son, but I also don't want to keepy my son from his grand parents either. I guess I just feel like I should be able to make it better, to help my dad see how bad his drinking has gotten and help my mom work with him to manage his addiction. I want to make it right again.

And on the other hand I know that's not my job. I know the best thing I can do is to be ready to set boundaries of what is acceptable behavior toward me and my son and what is not. But still...I have this gut deep urge to fix it. Only I don't know how.

Hi Melissa

Have I told you how much I appreciate you? You're so thoughtful.

Yes, I understand better now when you talk about wanting to protect your son. Does your father drink when he's around? Or are there fights or other traumatic events he's witnessing?

And your mother -- what kind of problems is it causing for her?

You might consider ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics. Great program with lots of insight in sorting out what is your job and what's not. Obviously protecting your son is -- but I can understand not knowing where that line is. I wouldn't want to deprive a child of his grandparents either unless it was absolutely necessary.

P

quote:

Have I told you how much I appreciate you? You're so thoughtful.

Well thank you. That is not at all the response I expected...but it is most appreciated that you would say it.

quote:

Does your father drink when he's around? Or are there fights or other traumatic events he's witnessing?

Since my son and I moved out to our own place his contact is limited. And there is not much actual "fighting", more like an underlying tension. My mother makes comments about dad going on "another beer run" and I feel like this is one of the major points of contention. He has generally already had 2-4 beers when he gets in his car and drives to a near-by convienence store to purchase more beer. She has made her feelings known, but dad simply will not listen. I think he knows what he is doing, but isn't yet willing to stop.

My major concern is that my parenting ideals differ from my dads on his best sober day...and are in different worlds when he has been drinking. I am reluctant to leave my son with them when overnight or for a few hours in the evening because my dad will be drinking, without fail. And if I ask him to please not drink while DS is there his response will be an angry "are you trying to tell me what to do in my OWN house?" On the one hand...he is making the choice to prevent himself from spending extra time with DS...but he is also excluding my mom from lots of fun things like sleep overs at Nanny and Pops house and keeping him for me when I am working late so she can spoil him.

I just don't know what to do. My dad is a really good man and he loves my son. I just don't ever want DS to feel like no matter how much he is loved he is still second in line...becuase I know how that feels and it's horrible.

I know I am possibly projecting, but I just want to give my son everything I can and I know how my father has always been a huge influence on my life and I want him to be that important influence for DS too...but not like this.

Heee .... so I'm dying to know what kind of response you did expect?

I think most of us with children would say our parenting styles are verrry different from our own parents'. That's not unusual. The question is whether or not it's dangerous for your son? Is there verbal abuse? Physical? Obviously drinking and driving with your son in the car would be completely unacceptable.

And then of course weighing that against what he loses if he doesn't have time with his grandparents. I'm not sure there's a cut and dried answer -- or that what you decide today will be the same in a week of a month or a year.

What I do know is that the modeling you give him is one of the most important things he can have. So when you talk to him, in age appropriate language, about the differences between his grandparents' home and yours and when you are compassionate in doing so, you teach him many important things about interacting in a healthy way with the rest of the world and with people you love. That's true regardless of what you decide about how much contact he has.

It's also important to remember that no decision is set in stone. If you decide to back off now and then change your mind you can do that. Or if you decide to keep up a fair level of interaction and then decide it's not working you can back off. There's a whole lot to be said for trial and error! (Errr .... kinda what life is all about )



P

So it's been a while...

Things with my dad are good right now. My mom and he have been in a class at our church and he is drinking less.

On the personal front...well i have been trying online dating. Not going so well. There have been a couple of guys that seem great and then disappear or just start acting like jerks. The back and forth is very unsetteling. It very much triggers me...reminds me of the way that J used to be. As much as anything it is helping me learn how to react to the head games and crap that are associated with men and dating.

I have been getting myself into a bit of a mess with an old friend i think. He has been hitting on me lately and I have been trying to respond kindly and not lead him on as I am not interested in that type of relationshp. When I told him this he then informed me how he suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts...and of course being me I get involved. I don't want him to hurt himself so I talk with him about it...he is making vague comments that sound like maybe he wants to hurt himself so I go to him and try to help...and my sister and one of the guys I am talking to online (from the dating website) tell me that his is completely manipulating me. I think they are right, which sucks. I just wanted to help him. Then while I am dealing with the emotional crap of being manipulated I make an A** of myself with the guy that I have been chatting with. I really like him and he now swears that he isn't mad about my "b*tchy" moment...but we'll see if he ever talks to me again, lol. I suck at this and i really hate it sometimes.

So some things are better, some things are the same...nothing is worse though so that's good, right.