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Villager |
I have stated to travel the road of recovery and guess I have already hit a few potholes.
With this thread I hope to share my feeling and get an exchange of information going which will aid me in growing old with the woman I do love.  I want to put this pain behind Tracie and I. Last night I started to understand no matter how I view things Tracie is hurting as well. It's hard to look at Tracie's pain when I am hurting so bad. I am worried about my kids,we have so much tension in the house right now and they don't know or understand why. Be back later! |
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SYMC Head Moderator Board of Advisors |
Is this going to be your own thread?.. or the one you share with Tracie?
Loui  "Everything's changed in a matter of minutes, nothing was saved in time. All of my old world and everything in it is hard to find, but they never...never were mine" "Before you knew me, an Angel came to me. I wrestled him down to the ground. He said he could cure me I said that don't worry me now." |
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Villager |
Yes this will be my thread! I hope that it give her understanding in what I am dealing with.
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Villager |
Ok I am back...
Today I took some me time, I watched a whole season Of Sanford and Son. I did do some crying but it was from laughing so hard. From 2-3, I took some time to think about what I want from my marriage in the future. I wish I knew what a great marriage was however the following is a goal that I feel would work for us. I want a marriage in which Tracie and I can feel safe with each other in every aspect of our life. In my opinion for years, Tracie has held back information that would have helped our marriage grow, because she did not feel comfortable with me. I want her to be able to tell me anything and everything as well as the ability to talk to her about my feeling. I don’t want any secrets between us. What i want the most is a sex life that is not just sex but love. Don't get me wrong our sex life is good however I want love not just sex . I want to feel close to her like I did when we 1st met. Our 1st experience was out of this world I knew that she was the woman I want to marry because i felt something that night. As long as I live I will noever for get that evening, night, late night, and earily morning. This was the 1st time I watched a sunraise with someone I was in love with. We don't have that in our marriage today, I want imitancy back in our bed room! This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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SYMC Head Moderator Board of Advisors |
So Wil..
When is your first counseling session? Did you look over what we spoke about on the other thread as to taking "space" and how to talk to each other? do you understand the concepts and exercises both J and I have talked about on the other thread. Are you willing to do them? By the way.. this is YOUR thread and has nothing to do with Tracie, per se. This has to do with your healing and your recovery. How to get you to a healthier place. She has her own recovery thread. We can leave the other thread you started up to be a place where you both can talk to each other here if you would like. We have had other couples to do that as well. Loui "Everything's changed in a matter of minutes, nothing was saved in time. All of my old world and everything in it is hard to find, but they never...never were mine" "Before you knew me, an Angel came to me. I wrestled him down to the ground. He said he could cure me I said that don't worry me now." |
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Villager |
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SYMC Head Moderator Board of Advisors |
So.. Wil..
I'm probably not going to be on the computer over the weekend. I think it would be a good idea for both you and Tracie to look over those guidelines about making the appt to talk to one another. Make sure you both understand fully the 'rules'. I also think it would be a good idea to let your counselor know you've been online with us and we've suggested a few things about easing some of the stress between the two of you. getting grounded BEFORE you get into a tizzy about things. Learning to step back and breathe and get calm. Writing in a journal your thoughts and your questions. Making that 1/2 hr appt to talk. And making time to be together that is not stressful, that is not talking about the A and that can build on good things about your marriage. So.. tell me.. what are your plans this weekend? Loui "Everything's changed in a matter of minutes, nothing was saved in time. All of my old world and everything in it is hard to find, but they never...never were mine" "Before you knew me, an Angel came to me. I wrestled him down to the ground. He said he could cure me I said that don't worry me now." |
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Villager |
Louie J,
I'm working all weekend from 6pm-6am. I was thinking about taken tomorrow off and spending sometimne with the family without any pressure. I want to taken the girls to the movie and give Tracie some time alone. I want to try to give Tracie some space it is not cool to be stuck up under each other all the time. Plus I need to learn to trust her again. I know in time I will trust her again, just want to start working on it now. Thank you again for all your help! Have a great weekend. |
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Villager |
I know the affair was a decision on her part but why do I feel guilty? When I check the cell phone log or ask her questions I feel like I am wrong. I am currently working from 6pm to 6am and my mind wonders what she is doing all night long, this is dangerous in law enforcement.
Can someone tell me where the guilt is coming from and how do I get over it?I feel awful right now! This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Villager |
Yesterday I took a mental health day from work and we had family fun day!
Well the day start with the girls not wanting to do as they were told and Tracie being in a funk however it ended up pretty good. I don't think either of us ended our day stressed. In the end spending the day with the family was the best thing I could have done! Worth ever bit of the butt chewing I may get at work! |
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Villager |
Over the weekend I reviewed a post on love vs, fog love. Is it safe for me to assume that Tracie was or is in some type of fog for the OM.
How will I know when she is no longer in this fog? Can we have effective counseling if she is still in this fog? We talked for a brief moment yesterday and she told me that our marriage was more like a business agreement and she did not feel that counseling would change that. If she feel this way why even go to counseling? We talk about doing the 30 min talks but it seem they never get done I am trying not to be pushy but I want to try to save our relationship. __________________________________________________ Well the working on me part: Weight lost is taken place but I don't think it is so healthy. I am still having problems eating. Either I"m not eating or I can't keep it down. School so far so good having problem staying on task but in time I guess i will be ok! EAP program at work was not what as I had expected. I don't know if I want to use it. Will look for counseling somewhere and soon. I working today for a better tomorrow. This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Villager |
This afternoon is our 1st counseling session. I don't know what to expect since my wife has no goals or expectations for the marriage.
We really have not talk like suggested but the weekend went pretty well I guess. I have tried to be supportive of her needs but I really don't know what they are. She will text me comment like I tell her that I am there for her and it seem like she pushes me away. For some time in our marriage it appears that she pushes me away when we start to get close to one another. I am kept at an arms distance most of the time. I have reviewed almost all the lesson in the SYMC Class forum. Tonight I looked at Broken Heart Healing....well ...I do agree with her that some of this stuff is a bit touchy feely... Working today for a better tomorrow! |
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Village Elder |
Just stopping in to give you a hug.
 What you are going through is tough stuff indeed. I am glad to hear you are reading. I don't remember the Broken Heart Healing class. What did you get out of it? Tiggy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your life is an occasion, rise to it. Mr Magorium |
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SYMC Head Moderator Board of Advisors |
You know Wil.. I might suggest that you take a step back from trying so hard.
How about we talk about what you can do to help you? Rather than helping the marriage? In the long run working on you and your issues will in turn help the marriage. And help Tracie see that you are serious about long term changes. Especially here on your thread...what are the things you would like to do to become a better you? Loui "Everything's changed in a matter of minutes, nothing was saved in time. All of my old world and everything in it is hard to find, but they never...never were mine" "Before you knew me, an Angel came to me. I wrestled him down to the ground. He said he could cure me I said that don't worry me now." |
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Villager |
I think he means my thread. H leaves for OW, H comes back to recommit to marriage, H leaves again because there is no "spark" Wife and child devastated once again and back in PP. I guess it could be a class, come to think about it. Or a novel  Best to you and your wife Wil...I wish you both success. Sandy  |
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Villager |
I am really tried of people telling me I am trying so hard! I tried of having a wife that i feel is not telling me everything. To be real and stright forward I had do what I can to love my wife but I feel like there is much more to all this than I am being told.
I asked her how she feels but she tell me that she is confused. To explain this from my heart she is in love with him and because his life is not as good as the one she has she does not know what to do. I feel like I am fighting for someone that I have already lost. I do not want to expperience the events of the the above post for me nor my children. I think that I am wasting my time. I am going to couseling but I think she need to let me know when she is ready. I am hurting more know than I ever was becuase this fact is just like the fact that she slept with another man I am just waiting on her to comfirm the truth. I know my wife and the person I am with is not my wife!! She called and wanted me to change to today appointment. This bothers me because I feel she not really in to going. This is some thing that she can say that she tried and it did not work. I had the dream this after noon, in the dream Tracie told me that I did not measure up to him and she had to follow heart in this matter. I woke up from the dream to her calling me and was freaked out. When I told her about the the dream she told me that I have been reading her post! I have not I am working to get my life together. I do wish I could read her post but maybe I would have some insight in what is going on around me, instead of going by my dreams and what my heart is telling me. I am wrong to want to know what she is posting in the private area? I want the truth no matter how painful it may be...... This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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SYMC Head Moderator Board of Advisors |
Sigh... Wil...
I know you are hurting... and it just feels awful to be in so much doubt. If more than one person is telling you the same thing.. ya may want to look at it? Think about it? So.. Wil. a few things crossed my mind in reading your post. They may not seem important but they are. First and foremost is this will not be a quick fix. This will NOT be an easy road. It took you guys a long time to get to this point, the road to marriage recovery is a long road back. With LOTS of pain, fear, ups and downs, highs and lows. Alot, alot. One day you may feel like everything is lost and the next day filled with hope. It is normal and everyone who goes thru the recovery process has them. Second... by trying I mean this. You keep asking about her. Wondering about her. Focusing on her. Stop doing that. Even if it for one day. Just stop. Don't ask her any questions. Don't wonder about what she's thinking. For one day.. try and just think about you. What you want. What you are going to do to work on you. The things you would like to see in your marriage. The things you need in your marriage and the things that you don't necessarily need, but it would be nice to have. And think about how YOU are going to work towards achieving it. Take a step back from Tracie and take a step towards YOU. Thats what I mean by not trying so hard. Develop a relationship with you...FIRST. This part of recovery is about each of you working on your own issues. After those are being handled and worked on.. THEN we can talk about the marriage issues. One step at a time. One Day at a time. Sometimes one Minute at a time. I understand you want what you want.. but you can't just jump from square one to the finish line. You have to go thru each square.. do that work and then move forward. How about you consider changing this to. I am going to counseling and I am ready. Loui "Everything's changed in a matter of minutes, nothing was saved in time. All of my old world and everything in it is hard to find, but they never...never were mine" "Before you knew me, an Angel came to me. I wrestled him down to the ground. He said he could cure me I said that don't worry me now." |
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Villager |
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Villager |
 I understand that it will not be a quick fix and the road ahead will be very difficult to travel. I am will to accept the pain, fear, up and down, highs, and lows. As you reminded me, from day to day my views of my marriage will change and I do understand that this is normal. What have I done for me? Everything! I looked my marriage over and started working on me the weekend Tracie went on her trip. My heart started hurting that weekend and I did not know why. I have complete completed all the tasks that Tracie put to me except find a new job or find happiness in my employment. Yesterday we went to our 1st marriage counseling session and it went well, I guess! The session was very emotional for me and there was a nice exchange of information. During the exchange I heard two pieces of information that bothered me. Point one, Tracie told me, it was not our marriage but the person that caused her to cheat. I could understand if our marriage was what pushed her to cheat but she said it was the person. I my mind that was deep! Hearing that come out of her mouth caused me to think back to the dream I had the other night. In the dream, Tracie told me, her feeling for me will never amount to what she feels for him. My dreams have directed me to the truth during this time of pain. I want her to tell me how she feels about him but all I get is that I am confused. Can anyone explain to me what the confusion is? Right now, Tracie has to make a simple but not easy decision OM or her family. In my heart if feel, the decision is difficult due love or some other emotional state she may be in. Out of everything this hurt me to the core. Why come back to the marriage if you are not sure of what you want? How can we work on our marriage if she has feeling for someone other than me? Why is she here if her heart is not into it? She also told me that I was up her butt all the time. I am up her butt all the time because after my EA that was the only way to live with out being given the 19th degree of interrogation. I have never stopped her from going or doing anything with out me. To be clear and up front about it I only get upset when she does not have time for me or the marriage. Last year she coached softball and obtained a Master’s degree I did not get a great deal of time and was okay with that. I want to go out but I don’t want going out with friends to causes more problem in my marriage. From time to time the green monster can and will pop up.  Since the start of this drama, I have been at a disadvantage. Each time I post I am at a disadvantage since Tracie has insight into how I feel but I have nothing on how she feels. After reading over the posts that has been sent to me I see everyone telling me to give her space. I believe that is is due to posts that she has posted in areas that I don’t have access to. Nothing can be fix if all the contact and understanding is one sided Tracie knows everything but I know nothing. I don’t think a situation such as this is good for our marriage. I feel like she is still hiding things from me when I am being as open as possible. I hear all of you but I think it is more her than it is me. I will keep working on me but my fear is that we will start to travel in different directions in life. I don't want this to happen. Wil1899 Working today to ensure a better tomorrow! This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Village Elder |
I don't want to throw fire on the flame here but are we all sure that no contact is firmly in place? Was a no contact letter sent by you and Tracie?
I tend to agree that long time posting by spouses on private boards isn't healthy to any relationship. Especially when one spouse has access to all and the other has limited access. Fosters inequality in a relationship in my humble opinion. However, in the short term it can serve as an ICU. That said, I believe that those on this board (including the private boards here) are capable and caring. I also have every faith that they will do their absolute best to mentor Tracie.
That feeling is horrible. My husband had the misguided belief that he was sparing me by not telling me details I asked for. Instead it served to ripping open the wounds all over again everytime there were new details.
Of course you don't want that to happen. The thing is you don't want that fear to guide your every move, your every decision either. Take care Will! Tiggy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your life is an occasion, rise to it. Mr Magorium |
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