Tiggy,

Thank you for responding to my post. I will try to keep my head up but it is difficult when all you are told is work on you and give her space.

Bottom line I want to save my family but working on me and giving her space makes me feel like I am doing nothing. Hard work bring forward rewards, working on me and giving her space will not save my marriage in my eyesight.

I would hope that you guys can prove me wrong!

Again Wil.. we're not telling you to not interact with her. Or leave or anything like that.

We're advising you to FOCUS and concentrate more on your work than on hers. She has her stuff she has to do to recover and you have yours.

That is the work and the stuff that you can do to help save your family. There are no guarantees that it will work and there are no guarantees that Tracie will not choose something different than you do.

What it is DOES do is make sure that you do everything that you can do within YOUR control. You can only change, work and fix you... You can't do her. She has to.

And if for some reason the marriage is not saved, at least you know you did everything you could on your end to save it. And you can take all that good stuff you've learned with you where ever you go.

Loui

quote:

Originally posted by LouiEJ*SYMC:
Again Wil.. we're not telling you to not interact with her. Or leave or anything like that.

We're advising you to FOCUS and concentrate more on your work than on hers. She has her stuff she has to do to recover and you have yours.

That is the work and the stuff that you can do to help save your family. There are no guarantees that it will work and there are no guarantees that Tracie will not choose something different than you do.

What it is DOES do is make sure that you do everything that you can do within YOUR control. You can only change, work and fix you... You can't do her. She has to.

And if for some reason the marriage is not saved, at least you know you did everything you could on your end to save it. And you can take all that good stuff you've learned with you where ever you go.

Loui

I see what you are saying but why put in the work when you don't know where you stand! Where do I stand is the question? I can work daily on me but why should I work on something she wants change if she has no plans of staying in this relationship. What I have changed may not be something that will work in my next relationship. You can't fix a clock that is not broken.

I will keep working on me, you know if i was a mushroom I would not mind being in the dark!

Well lets put it more in terms that have nothing to do with Tracie per se...

What are the things that you feel still should be looked at in regards to how you behave in a relationship. Or about yourself in general.

Such as communication skills. Compassion skills. Control issues. Passive Aggressiveness. Individualness/self.

Its not a matter of whether you are 'broke' or not .. which I don't think you are!

Everyone has areas to improve on. Everyone has things about themselves that take some work to move out of either learned behaviors or comfort zones. And in doing so help us in relationships.

So.. what about you do you think needs work?
And it has nothing to do with what Tracie thinks or wants or what you believe will help the marriage.

Loui

Cool!

My new friend I am already out of my comfort zone. When I told her I forgave her I was out of my comforts zone. Her affairs did not make me change I was already changing I want more than what I have. On my birthday I wanted a marriage that was more about love than a business agreement. I had planned to wait until she had time to relax before talking to her about it all.

I am over the affair I just want her to be over it. If it was just physical I can deal with it. If it is emotional I just want to know where it is? I don't want I am confused i want to know how and what she is feeling so I can see what action I want or need to take. Her confusion puts my life on hold to some point, confusion is a small state about the size of a jail cell.

Working on me:

school- is what it is..soon to be done!

weight lost- stress

me time - daily now

all the above is done.

Things not done..

Having a real marriage not a business agreement!

Getting the job I always wanted but have to wait until i complete school!

Working to day for a better tomorrow!

very cool list Wil...

So..

Tell me what you are doing presently to create this:

weight lost- stress
me time - daily now

lets start with those two things..

(though its almost 5:00 pm here and I am outta here after that.. but I'll be back in the morning.. I promise )

Weight loss- along with the stress I use the gym at work daily now. On I change over to day shift I will be hitting the Y about 3 times a week is my goal. My gym buddy say i need to be there 5 days a week. I think he failed his last drug test! I am willing to try it last time time i went to the gym with my buddy he almost killed me I could not move for a few days.

Me time - I love old sitcom like Sanford and Son, The Jeffersons and Good Times so i spend some time enjoying them. Tonight I plan on going to the range and put some rounds down range.

I need to find something that will get me moving to aid in the weight lost and stress.

Working today for a better tomorrow!

Will,

I am also a student, finishing up my last two terms of grad school. Thought school would KILL me last year, but that is a topic for another day. What are you in school for? I will soon be a Speech therapist.

quote:

I will try to keep my head up but it is difficult when all you are told is work on you and give her space.

I really do understand this. I am just coming to understand that really, it is better to work from a grounded or at least calm place. Any work, any decision will be more powerful and that includes work on your marriage relationship.

quote:

I need to find something that will get me moving to aid in the weight lost and stress.

I found a very cool website several months ago called Sparkpeople. They have a reasonble weight loss plan, forums, even exercises online.

Yesterday, afternoon I sent Tracie a flower arrangement at work since her week did not start so well. I know she loved them since they were a few dozen pink,white and yellow daisies. I also added one red rose.

Tracie texted me when she got the flowers and thank me but I started to wonder how she took getting them. I just want her to know that I was thinking about her and her feeling other than the situation around our marriage.

I don't think I asked any questions or said anything about the OM or the affair. I told her about a dream I had and went on with the evening.

Being up her butt is difficult right now! Our oldest child is home sick until Friday and I can't do anything during my off time. By evening, I don't have the time to do what I want to do (do me). Plus crap is so far away from the house, the range is 22 miles from house and closes at 2030. So now I feel like i am up her butt even when I am not.

I try to give her distance,time and space but what she is doing with the distance,time and space starts to get at me. I am happy to say I have not check the Sprint call log since Saturday when she was in the funk.

I am moving alone better than I expected! I see the biggest hump right now is how she really feels about the OM and our relationship. This is something I need to know. A month ago I was a mushroom and loved to be in the dark but today I want as much sun a possible,it keeps u warm...lol!

If she could answers these question with more than I am confused than I would be batten a thousands.

1. How do you feel about him? ( In detail so that i can understand what to expect and what actions I need or want to take.)

2. Are you over what ever it was that you and the OM had?

3.Are you committed to our marriage?

I know those are some hard questions and she will need time but I know I will be lost until i know these answers.

Working today for a better tomorrow!

And those questions will ultimately have to be answered by Tracie.

Just so you know though? Asking them constantly will not provide you an answer any sooner. If I may suggest. Stop asking them for now.

Thinking about it.. I would ask your counselor their opinion about it. I would be inclined to suggest that you ONLY ask them when you are at the counselors office and not at home any other time. And I'd be curious what the counselor's suggestion is too.

I realize that your level of frustration is very high without the answers.. but I think part of what you need to learn is how to soothe yourself and how to look inside yourself for validation.

Sorta like this:

I am a good person. I have good qualities that people admire. Then list those good qualities. And reaffirm to yourself that no matter what, you believe that you have alot to offer this marriage, your wife and your family.

I AM committed to my marriage 100%.

So when you're wondering about what Tracie is thinking about concerning you or the marriage, for the time being.. answer that question in your head with a statement like that. A little positive reinforcement never hurt anyone. Especially when the ego has been damaged.

As for forgiving Tracie fully for the affair. I would look at that really carefully and make sure that is 100% so. Thats not to say you'll forget, or that lets her off the hook in her end of what she has to do. That just means that you won't be coming from an ungrounded place of punishing or passive aggressive anger when talking to her about it.

So.. what were some of the things the counselor suggested you do until the next time you meet?

Loui

I don't have time to properly post right now but wanted to ask you a question.

If your current situation never changed, what would you have to do to be grounded?

Now hopefully and likely your situation will change - the point of the question is what do you need to do to be more centered right now in the middle of limbo.

And Will I think it is completely reasonable to want to know where you stand. However, I have seen several couples over the years that seem to push the other one away in their desire to reconnect. It seems that when one redirects their attention off the other spouse that then that same spouse becomes interested. Doesn't quite make sense but humans don't always make sense. Going slowly is just the best pace sometimes.

I am off to my externship for the day but will try to check in tonight.

Oh, a final thought that someone had to point out to me a long time ago. There tend to be 3 to heal when a marriage breakdown: each individual spouse and the marriage relationship. Working on healing yourself is most definately part of the whole process.

Take care.

I see Louie has posted. I hope I didn't contradict you!!! LOL Because I don't have time now to read what you wrote or change what I wrote. Internet communication is so different!

LouiEJ&Tiggy



I don't think there is enough self soothing in the world that would keep my cool until I get answers. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did all I could to save my marriage after my EA. I guess have soothed myself because I know I was doing right by my wife.

Yes, I am still learning about short coming in me and our marriage but as Tracie said in the session our marriage was in a good condition when she contacted the OM. Our marriage is a business arrangement because of my EA. Tracie feels if she gives me the love I want she will be hurt again. I know that it is difficult for her to forgive me completely, she feel if you will do it once you will do it twice. I’ve been trying to prove that Tracie is the only woman I want in my life, since the EA.

I feel that I have my answers to my question from what I know of my wife however, not sure if I know what I know. This is my over view of it all: Tracie found and old love and contacted him. While on the phone, feeling can back and she fell short by visiting him. During the visit emotions and hormones took over and they ended up in bed. She came home and started to see that she had made a mistake. She saw that she hurt me, and if the truth comes out she will hurt her family (girls). On top of all this she is still dealing with the emotions of finding a lost love and wants to know what if……we could be together. I wanted to know if my ex and I could make it as well. She also knows if the Om will cheat with her while dating someone else she can’t trust him not to do the same again to her. Also he has a trait that will not work with Tracie, which is he shuts down when he encounter a problem. He will not answer phone calls or talk.

How do I fit into all this now, I don’t know.

If I am looking at this right, Tracie is confused because she does not know if we can make it after my EA and her affair. All in all I think we both want to same thing, I think she love me and is still in love with me to a point. However, I understand that we do not have the love that both of us are looking for. I know I will wait but I don’t want to wait forever, I want her to deal with this so that we can move on. Both of us are at a fork in the road I just hope that we can travel the road not normally taken. Just as the post state I am on the road to recovery, I hope with wife and I hand and hand. If the marriage has to end, I hope that we could be great friends so that we can raise our children together.

I want to talk about forgiveness I forgave my wife because I love her. I set in bed the other night and watched Tracie sleep. While watching her I started to think about why I was staying in this relationship and the reason was love. I am grounded when I say I forgave she will never hear about this from me in anger. I am more grounded than I was expecting. I did not deal with this well at 1st but I started reading and look at me from many prospective. From all the reading forgiveness is the true road to recovery from an affair. I forgive her and ready to crawl, walk, run , bike ,drive or ride the bus of the road of recovery.

Trust me I am working on me and working at given my wife to space to make her choice. I am working today for a better tomorrow.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899,

quote:

I don't think there is enough self soothing in the world that would keep my cool until I get answers

Okay.. so what if that is the one thing you DO have to do in order to save your marriage?
How will you handle it? What will you do in order to get thru those bad moments?

Loui

During the bad times I have to put myself into work, school or the girls. I want my life go back to normal. I know I will worry and I will have some hard days.

Tracie can't be my source of comfort,I have to move on in this area hoping that she can catch up with me.

I have looked at so much and know that I will be tested in the near future. I also have my new friends from SYMC!

I have broke this down and built it back up. I have look at it from all points. I have a 50/50 chance even odds.

Tracie knows the person she married that is who I am I can't change that person but i can change some traits. If she decision that is not what she wants it will hurt but I can't stop living. I am licking my wounds now so when she make up her mind I am ready to shake it off or go and make love to my wife.

The last two post are pretty much what I have to do so I can get me together. I hope it does not seem cold but I have to take care of me.

I saw photo from some of my classmates wedding and felt that I was missing out because we never had a wedding. We went to the JP. I told her how i felt and told her i wanted a wedding if we could get thing together. Maybe that statement took thing to far. I was for real but joking all at the same time.

If sugar goes to crap I think it would be years before I look at a new relationship.

Working today for a better tomorrow!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899,

Everyone tells me to work on me. I am doing that in myown way and I see some changes. The biggest change is with the kids,I am proud of that change they really want to spend time with me.

now I can change much in my life but it does not good if I am not changing the right things.

The most important question is ::: What does Tracie want changed? When I have that answers We are cooking with lord!

Tracie I know you read her so tell me here or in am email what you want me to change?

quote:

The most important question is ::: What does Tracie want changed? When I have that answers We are cooking with lord!

Just my two bits but I think that is one of the important questions. I think another important question could be: What does Will want changed?

I agree with that! I have changed and willing to change a lot but she need to tell me what she wants. I did not cuased this and it appear that i doing all the jumping throught hoop. I just want her to do what ever it is she needs to do!

I think i am will to accpet anything she has to put out now!

This need to end not with i am committed to you but i am going to do all I can to work on the marriage.
These pitty party have to stop!

Let me ask you - What are you hoping to get here, from symc?

quote:

Originally posted by Tiggy:
Let me ask you - What are you hoping to get here, from symc?

I want to save my marriage. I looked at my wife actions and see her pushing me away. I think it will be a great lost when i walk away from this marriage. I see that I am very near that point. I can only give my wife forgiveness I can not make her take it.

I see her losing her family over a mistake. She really needs to get over all this it was a mistake. By Tracie holding on the mistake forgiveness mean nothing let go and move on!

I can not make thing right for the action Tracie took! Only she can fix this mess I want to talk so that I understand but all talking does is dig a deeper hole. I will say just as you guys tell me trying to talk to her push her further away not talking to me does the same. We need to close some of the distance we are making between each other.

Confusion is a very small state about the size of a jail cell; in this case it will be about the size of Tracie’s heart. I don’t want this but she is pushing me further away from her.

True love suffer long, endures, the test of time.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899,