Yesterday, Tracie asked me was I thinking about leave or walking away from our marriage. I told her she did not have nothing to worry about until I stop talking...I have no plans to stop talking cuz i want to save my marriage. I hope that we can plan a time to talk, I know it is hard because I work from 6P-6A when i am off i am up late and she is in bed early time is not something we have alot of ...........

quote:

Originally posted by Tiggy:
You know, during the first several months after I found out about the affair I was haunted by questions, images and what-ifs.

I don't know that it was particularly helpful but I do believe that reaction is rather typical.

Just want to validate those feelings Will.

My situation may have been different in that I was rather insane (and I say that with the utmost self-affection ). I was madly in love with him one minute and then terrified the next.

What a strange and bizarre ride that was.

I think it is excellent advice to put a time limit on the questions. I know some people have written them down. We got to a point where I would email them to him and then he could have some space to answer them. Sometimes I would type the questions, save them, then review the next day and eliminate the ones that were just rants, didn't make sense or didn't need to be asked anymore.

And something I think is very fun and important - save time to just enjoy each other, have fun, reconnect.

This evening was wonderful! We had family time that was enjoyable. I only had them on my mind not OM/affair just spending time with my girls.
After putting the kids to bed we sat and watched a movie until Tracie fell a sleep on me. I did not like the fact that she went to sleep on me but it was still a nice evening. I hope she saw everything the same way I did !

I am so glad you guys had a good night!!!!


Tracie sounds like me. I swear movies put me to sleep!

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Tiggy:
....After putting the kids to bed we sat and watched a movie until Tracie fell a sleep on me. I did not like the fact that she went to sleep on me but it was still a nice evening. I hope she saw everything the same way I did!

Did you think about the kind of trust and security it required for her to fall asleep on you? Sounds like it was a great evening.

HoFS

Wil..

One thing you might consider is that there doesn't have to be anything sexual happening between you for it to be a 'good' night.

The comfort level for Tracie to fall asleep in your lap is a huge step in the recovery of your marriage. And you letting her without pushing for anything more is a huge step on your part.

btw.. I luv falling asleep with my head on Joe's lap.. 'specially when he's rubbing my back or my head.. delicious.

I'm glad it was a good evening for you both!

Loui

quote:

One thing you might consider is that there doesn't have to be anything sexual happening between you for it to be a 'good' night.

Not so much about sex it was that she was sleep by 930.... she did not finish the movie....lol Our life is so busy that we really don't spend time together, I am thinking about changing jobs so we can have a real family life.

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Originally posted by will1899:I am thinking about changing jobs so we can have a real family life.

Good for you Will!!!!

Now, I don't know if thats actually a good idea or not. I think only you and Tracie can answer that...but I'm encouraged that you aren't afraid consider making huge life changes to better your family life. Just wow!

And I agree, Tracie falling asleep on you....Huge!

You're doing well Will. Keep it up!

quote:

You're doing well Will. Keep it up! Big Grin

Thank you! I am trying but it is difficult to know if i am on the right track. We still don't talk much, it good and bad, but life is better without me asking questions.

I wish that she will sit me down and talk to me instead of me questioning her. Just want her to look at the events of the past and come talk to me about them with me asking any questions.

That's my wish and pray!!!

This week has been hard for me, but I am happy with how well we are getting along. I still worry but day by day it is getting better.

How doing I build trust so that i am comfortable with Tracie going out? Action that my wife normally do which did not bother me now does.
I don't want Tracie to feel that I am up her butt all the time but it is difficult for me to trust her.

I know over time she will gain my trust. Can I do anything for her to gain my trust faster?

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
How doing I build trust so that i am comfortable with Tracie going out? Action that my wife normally do which did not bother me now does.
I don't want Tracie to feel that I am up her butt all the time but it is difficult for me to trust her.

I know over time she will gain my trust. Can I do anything for her to gain my trust faster?

Trust is a funny thing. The only way for her to regain it is for you to extend it. Find ways to extend trust that you are comfortable with. Allow her the chance to keep small promises. The more open she is the easier this will be. I can't imagine how "under the magnifying glass" a WS would feel. It must be exhausting. It was certainly her actions that put her there, but that doesn't mean that it can't be sympathized with. Look for chances to let her feel like she's stepping away from that feeling without damaging your own sense of security. I think you'll find both of you benefit.

I would say the biggest thing is not to expect it too quick and not feel bad when you're not ready to extend it. It took years for my wife to trust me anywhere close to 100% again. That's okay, it's the price I paid for my mistakes and a small inconvenience to help keep my family intact.

Tracie needs to get to a place where she is compassionate while you lick your wounds. She needs to understand that your lack of trust is not a reflection of her CURRENT actions. Only she can do that work.

Form time to time my wife still has insecurities 5 years later. I'm so okay with that. It's my job to eliminate the situation or make her as comfortable as I can.

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
How doing I build trust so that i am comfortable with Tracie going out?

Transparent honest is a good place to start. What sort of accountability do you need? Calls? Access to phone and expense records?

quote:

I know over time she will gain my trust. Can I do anything for her to gain my trust faster?

What do you mean? Do you think she doesn't trust you? Or is the fact that she doesn't seem to be talking as much as you want?

As far as yourself, you still need to work on your own healing. It takes time as well. I know right now you don't feel like you have time but you do. Slow down a little. Breathe.

HoFS

I have always liked the phrase around here "trust is like a paycheck". It is something that Tracie needs to do. Getting clear on what you need is a very good place for you to start.

From what I can see Tracie is doing all she can to make our marriage work! I really see that she is trying. What must I do to deal with the hurt? Over the weekend I've been dreaming a great deal and when I get that alone time my mind wonders off.

The other day Tracie told me that now that she has committed to the marriage that I may still findout that i can't deal with the fact of the matter that she had an affair and walk away.

I don't see that but I do see that I am ****** off that she would do this to me and not have a good reason. I guess that there really is not a good reason. i feel better about the situation but at the same time I hurt. It is not so much of her sleeping with someone else but the way she did it all. Tell me she needed space and my willingness to try to give her what she told me she needed. I have always been about taken care of her needs and giving her some of her wants but I had to go out past my comfort zone to give her the need for space and she lied to me!

I feel that both of us have not told the truth all the time but it feels like this untruth and the statement made by her while she was in the fog hurt to the core or my being.

Tonight I asked myself if I would not have found out so soon how far would it had gone. She told me that she did not know him and it was just a weekend, but she also told me that she had feeling towards him...If I would not have found out until next month would she still be will to stay in the marriage. Would she have gotten to know him once again and walked away from me?

I know we are on the road to recovery but I need to still deal with a great deal of pain. In the past Tracie told me that she felt like second best due to my ex, today I feel like second best to a love affair that started 12 years ago.

I love her so but somuch is going thru my mind.......

Please pray for me and my family, while I go and take care of my wounds.

Working today for a better tomorrow.

quote:

The other day Tracie told me that now that she has committed to the marriage that I may still findout that i can't deal with the fact of the matter that she had an affair and walk away.

Anne told me almost the exact same thing a week ago. She'd been going through every day expecting me to have left when she got home. I had to ask myself, how can she focus on anything positive when she's dominated by this fear. Fear is what almost killed us. We were afraid to tell each other what we needed and wanted. We were afraid to even tell the other that we were afraid. I buried my fears and focused on doing things that did nothing to meet her needs, and she took all the things she was afraid to tell me to an old friend who was more than happy to put the information to work. It's the fear that will derail you if you let it. The pain will go as you heal. Focus your efforts on getting rid of anything that stands between you and the one you love. Don't let fear keep you from talking to each other, and learning to trust each other again.

Great post Don!

Read that a few times Will.

quote:

Don't let fear keep you from talking to each other, and learning to trust each other again.

I see that Tracie is doing a lot to get thing going on the right track. Today, Tracie and I texted back and forward about my post and the fact that I was in a funk. Again she told me that she did not want me to walk away from our marriage.

Tonight once we finished Justice’s appointment we went out to dinner to celebrate Kyra (my oldest) making all-county orchestra. Well Kyra wanted to go to O’Charley’s for dinner. O’Charley’s was a problem for me since Tracie had dinner with the OM at the Knoxville location. Well long story short we had dinner at O’Charley’s and it was very difficult for me. I did not finish my meal and did not talk very much during dinner. Tracie tried to have small talk with me but I could only focus on the girls because the hurt and pain started rushing back. At the end of dinner I was happy that I made it thru the meal without getting into it with Tracie. I guess after dinner I should have asked Tracie how she was doing but I did not.

Once all of us were home I told the girl that it was bedtime. Justice went into meltdown mood soon after, cried and yelling etc… While I was getting them to bed, Tracie changed and started reading one of the books we got from the bookstore tonight. We picked up Love Dare and Fireproof. Love Dare is a Christian base marriage recovery self help book. Fireproof is a novel about a couple’s relationship and the uses of the Love Dare concepts.

Tracie started the book, while Justice melted down, about an hour later we got to in bed. Tracie was stressed at this point but still enjoying Fireproof. She read for a moment more and than asked if I had recorded any of our weekly TV shows. We watched a show and she was ready for bed. We went to bed, I tried to talk to her, and sugar went to ****! She did not want to talk I pushed for a moment and only made thing worst. I asked her if we could talk tomorrow when she got off and she told me no wait until we go to counseling next Wednesday.

I want to reconnect with my wife. How can we reconnect if we are not talking? I don’t want to talk about our problems just want to talk in general. At one point we could laugh and talk together all night. Now a phone call is no more than 5 mins. I remember when we would talk on the phone until one of us fell asleep. When I found the she was talking to the OM on the phone I was jealous because it has been years since we have spent 194 mins on the phone.

I need to know that we can reconnect and build a new marriage. Tracie feels that our marriage is based on a lies, because she did not know how I felt about my ex. She also told me that we have nothing in common any more. If we are not talking, will we ever find that we do have something in common?

I don’t want to go back to the business agreement; I want a marriage with love and respect. Since she feels that our marriage was a lie we should try to build a new marriage or walk away from all this. As I told her tonight I feel like she is pushing me away. When she is pushing me away I feel like just walking away from my marriage. I am committed to working on my marriage but I can’t do it alone. We need to talk about our feeling not text one another about out feeling.

I want her to open up with me, it has been years since we have had an open heart to heart about our feeling and past, present and future. I want to know new and old fears and more about what makes my wife tic…. I see that we have lost contact with each other.


Is it normal to feel the following emotions after an affair: jealousy, guilt, shame, regret, remorse, uneasiness, apprehension, worry, distress, neglected, loneliness, rejection, insecurity, embarrassment, humiliation, resentment, and frustration?

Tonight I went and reviewed my marriage history by looking at Tracie's past post. I really did not know that she was feeling the way she was. I was a [edited name calling] .... if i knew than what I know now. The only good thing that happen was moving here, it seem that I started to see what I was doing and life got better.

I am so sorry that some of my action appeared to be so bad. Some of the events I could have explained and shown her that it was not what she was thinking and others I guess she does have a right not to talk to me ..if you get crapped on for that long I guess u would stop talking!

I am starting to think that we are at the end of the road. Not due to the affair but due to my past actions I don't think that I could ever get her to feel loved by me. With what I have read I would not be surprised if she hated me....

Tracie I see why you name your post trying to recover, you have alot to over come. My eyes and ears are open and I am ready to try!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Penny_SYMC,

Will..you so obviously love Tracie with all your heart. That's why it hurts so bad. This is a hard thing to get through. I just hope and pray that you and Tracie can continue to take steps towards each other. Don't give up on something so true. Remember...Love trumps pain

will,

I'm sorry about the difficult experience related to the restaurant.

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
Tracie I see why you name your post trying to recover, you have alot to over come. My eyes and ears are open and I am ready to try!

Do you see where you are back to depending on Tracie to save your marriage? You seem to be back to waiting on her. What are you ready to try? Are you willing to try something different because what you are doing isn't working very well. Go back and read what others have posted. You need to work on your own healing. Look within.

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
Is it normal to feel the following emotions after an affair: jealousy, guilt, shame, regret, remorse, uneasiness, apprehension, worry, distress, neglected, loneliness, rejection, insecurity, embarrassment, humiliation, resentment, and frustration?

Yes, all those things are normal. I'm really sorry for the pain you experience. But you need more than Tracie to help your marriage heal. You need to heal yourself. There is something more powerful even deeper than all those afflicted emotions you mentioned but it's going to take you to find those. Tracie can't do that work for you. She can't help you find that. You're the only one that can do that. Until you do, you can't heal and the marriage can't heal. Tracie will have her own work to do as well.

Don't try, do.

HoFS