will,

Your last couple of posts include disrespect towards yourself. SYMC does not support name calling of others or self. It is important to respect your value as well as others. You also seem to be inserting profanity that is being editted out. Please edit your posts to eliminate the name calling and profanity.

HoFS

quote:

Yes, all those things are normal. I'm really sorry for the pain you experience. But you need more than Tracie to help your marriage heal. You need to heal yourself. There is something more powerful even deeper than all those afflicted emotions you mentioned but it's going to take you to find those. Tracie can't do that work for you. She can't help you find that. You're the only one that can do that. Until you do, you can't heal and the marriage can't heal. Tracie will have her own work to do as well.

I understand that I need more than Tracie help to heal our marriage..... I have come a long was since the finding out about the affair. I have changed my behavior with my children and worked on me. I am working on me daily but there is a wall between us from time to time. If the wall was always there I could deal with it better, it seem like she is pushing me away from time to time. By her actions one moment she want to work on the marriage the other she does not. I don't know feel like I am getting mixed messages.

Daily I take time to work on me, if I did not I would be in a mental wards somewhere. I am dealing with the emotions listed in the thread some day better than others but we do have progress. I write daily it helps at the end of the week I trash in a hope that some of the hurt and will go with it. I am also in the gym which helps to slow me down a bit. I am also reading anything I can get my hands on about recovering my marriage. My work is being done...

In one of our texting session she told me that the kids control our life..... this is true. I find that both of us want to be there for the kids but we take it to the point to where we are not there for each other. Tracie feels that she is spending time with me if I am watching WWE and she is sitting beside me reading a book. I don't see this as she is spending time with me or me spending time with her I see that as neither of us trying to interact with each other. I want to interact with my wife in area other kids, bills, the house, and family. She tells me that we have nothing in common, but how can we find something in common if she does her thing and I do mines.

I can put a post on the break room wall for a roommate! I know that we have a long road ahead of us be can we try to develop a friendship while we see if we can travel the road. I know that at anytime either of us can say I don't want to do this anymore , I feel much closer to that point than marriage, but let make our travel together as fun as possible.

All in all I my dream was to we have the opportunity to do it all over again, but right this time. I want a "do over" lol I want us to have the chance to correct all the wrong that was in this marriage and start over with the renewing our vow on a new marriage without all the third party and drama.

I guess that I am in a la la land! Let's end the business agree and move towards friendship, with a hope of recovering my marriage. Will to wait around for years if I can see us moving towards that target.

Just want you guys to know I do see changes in me and most of the changes are a direct result of the hard hitting advice that you guys have given me. The advice which helps me most is the advice I don't like. My ears, eyes and my heart are open and I'm working to save my marriage.

Working today for a better tomorrow!

Hi Will

quote:

Tracie feels that she is spending time with me if I am watching WWE and she is sitting beside me reading a book. I don't see this as she is spending time with me or me spending time with her I see that as neither of us trying to interact with each other.

As a person who connects via yakking, I understand how you feel. But Will there are others who do feel that side by side is spending time together. Can you let this be time together AND ask for the kind of together-time you need?

quote:

I want to interact with my wife in area other kids, bills, the house, and family. She tells me that we have nothing in common, but how can we find something in common if she does her thing and I do mines.

What does together-time look like to you? What would you and Tracie being doing if you felt you were spending quality time together?

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I want a "do over" lol

Don't we all want that!!! I swear if we could see just a 10 second blip of what our poor choices will bring us - I wonder if it would stop us or not?

quote:

Just want you guys to know I do see changes in me and most of the changes are a direct result of the hard hitting advice that you guys have given me. The advice which helps me most is the advice I don't like.

Changing is your doing Will. People can tell us to do something until pigs fly but we are the ones that have to make it happen.

Hello everyone,
It’ has been about 1.5 months since my last post, during this time I’ve followed the advice of the member and worked on me! What have I’ve done kept off 40 lbs and set goals to lose even more weight. Besides weight lost I start working on thing that needed to change in me, I changed the way I look at work, life and family. Work has come to be a bit more relaxing now that I keep to myself and keep my mouth close. I think of it as just 12 hours away from home to make some money. Life is what it is life!!! I think the biggest change is I started to make choice in my life for me, not doing what my wife wants or not doing something because she may disagree.


Today, is the first day I really told my wife that I did not agree with a decision she made about my life. For those of you who follow Tracie’s post you know that I have a female Battle buddy that I serviced with in the military and we’ve been friends since Basic Training. Tracie does not feel that this friend is good for our marriage, due to a disagreement they had about 7 years ago. Since Tracie’s affair she had monitored my cell phone calls and online activities. In February, Tracie told me that I was talking to my friend too much for her comfort and asked me to stop talking to her. Today, Tracie told me that talking to my Battle Buddy was disrespectful. This really sent me thru the roof. My battle buddy is married and lives about 10 hours away from me. I see her as a sister.

I was also mad, Tracie is the one who broke trust not me but I have to give up my friend. Tracie has male classmates that call the house all times of the day and send adult humor texts to her that I have never met. I have spoken to her about this and it was not a big deal to her since I was the one with the past. Prior to her affair I would have just let it go but we can’t we have a double standard in this house. When my Tracie found out about my EA she dropped the MB and SYMC principle on me and directed me to learn know and understand them. During the period of recovery I gave Tracie too much control over my life because I wanted her to feel comfortable.


I love my wife but now I want some of my control back! I don’t mind open email accounts and cell logs but I refuse to be questioned about my cell usage when it is in front of you in black in white. My cell long has the same numbers on them monthly coworker, a few friends and a few family members. I don’t have anything to hide nor do I want to hide who I am speaking to on my cell.

As of mid Feb I added an ex girlfriend onto my FB account and her husband is in the process of becoming a police office and they both contact me to see information about the process. Since the 1st contact I think they have contacted me about 4 times. I don’t think I have ever talked to her without her husband around from my knowledge. I fought to save my marriage not to have her destroy it.

Will you guys give me input on this subject…… it feels like there is a double standard on everything these day.

One question: At last posting, you both had filed for an uncontested divorce. Where are you with this?

Hey Will...see that light at the end of the tunnel???? ...it's an oncoming train buddy.

How about putting half the energy of FB and your "battle buddy" into your marriage. Opposite sex friendships are inappropriate at best, especially when you wife is telling you she is uncomfortable with it. And yes. continuing it in spite of her feelings is disrespectful. You're harming your M and your family.

And just because your wife broke your trust in her does not exclude her from justly setting boundaries.

Will, I posted this on Tracie's thread as well, but what I see is both of you spiraling out of control, and yet trying to keep control.

You're on a very dangerous course. And you need help.

Please, please get Penny involved.

quote:

Originally posted by Sleepy~SYMC:
Hey Will...see that light at the end of the tunnel???? ...it's an oncoming train buddy.

How about putting half the energy of FB and your "battle buddy" into your marriage. Opposite sex friendships are inappropriate at best, especially when you wife is telling you she is uncomfortable with it. And yes. continuing it in spite of her feelings is disrespectful. You're harming your M and your family.

And just because your wife broke your trust in her does not exclude her from justly setting boundaries.

I feel this fight is an excuse for something else that is going on in our marriage. I am not the perfect husband however where I lack did not grant my wife the pass to go out an cheat on me.

My battle buddy , more like sister, has been in my life since 1998 when I joined the military. She is the only person other than my wife who has been there for me thru thick and thin. I don't understand why my wife has a problem with our friendship. My battle buddy and I both work in law enforcement and work work 12 hour shifts so doing down time we discuss work, family and old times on the phone.

For some time, I have allowed Tracie to run the house and not spoke up about things I don't agree with. It is time for me to speak up! Sometime ago, I asked my wife why I had not met one of her classmates who calls and texts her cell phone often. She told me that we are never at the same place. Now this person is no longer a classmate but he still call and text her. Why? Disrespect is a two way street but if the accident is on my side of the street it is a major incident, but if on her side it is a minor fender bender.

I also have a problem because the men Tracie talk to on the phone are local people. My battle buddy live 10 hours away from me I have not seen her in 5 years and may never see her in person since her and my wife don't get along. Who has the better chance at cheating in this situation?

Yes, there is a line in the sand. I let the emotional/ physical affair go but will not allow myself to fall into that place ever again. I was willing to attend MC but she will not go! From information she has told me i feel that other kinds of help may be in order,however I can not make her seek it. I refuse to keep running after someone who is pushing me away.

Over the years, I have seen her post her truth on this site and did not fight with her about it. Now, when I post my truth I get a great deal of feedback, or she tells me she is done and is leaving. Just want the same respect she get from me. Not to question my every action unless I have give you reason to.....

Sleepy~SYMC

quote:

How about putting half the energy of FB and your "battle buddy" into your marriage.

I live in a house with four walls and two doors, when you are inside those doors and walls u can make a statement like the one above.Please get bot side of the story.
There are three side to every story side 1, side 2 and the truth. After listening to sides 1 and 2 a person can normally come up with the truth.

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
[quote]...where I lack did not grant my wife the pass to go out an cheat on me.

Yes she did. But when are you going to stop throwing this around? It's not an excuse.

quote:

Who has the better chance at cheating in this situation?

Right now, you both have equal chance.

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I was willing to attend MC but she will not go! From information she has told me i feel that other kinds of help may be in order,however I can not make her seek it.

Have you suggested telephone coaching with Penny? You are right that you can't make your wife do something that she doesn't want to do. Can you help her see it from another direction?

quote:

I refuse to keep running after someone who is pushing me away.

I don't see anyone suggesting that you 'run' after your wife. What I see being written is that you need to heal yourselves and that you need to have the strength to see that each of you is hurting.

HoFS

I feel as though I am gettng a bad wrap and I havent NEVER done anything wrong!! Wil and I have known each other since basic training. When he and his wife first got married everything was fine! We lived approximately 30 minutes away from each other during that time they would visit and bring their daughter to my house so that I could do her hair. In one of the visits, it was posed to me, would I tell Wil if I knew that T was cheating I answered yes. Then I was asked if I would tell T if he was cheating I answered no because my loyalties lie with Wil. However at the same time I would not excuse the behavior either! Mine and T's relationship has never been the same since then. Wil and I havent seen each other since 2002! There is a 10 hour drive between us. Yes granted we do talk on the phone but that is not an everyday thing. About a year ago, I was told that T had a problem with our friendship because her daughters father's best friend was a female and they had an affair! Excuse me for being insensitive BUT I feel like until we give her a reason to think that our friendship is something other than PLATONIC dont blame or punish us for what another male did to you. Her biggest argument was that we always talked on his cell phone and that I never called the house! My thinking was that I didnt want to disturb their family time! Majority of the time Wil and I speak is when we are both on midnights and there isnt anything going on.

Recently through this patch that they have been going through, I have been his shoulder to lean on. During this time, I have been pro marriage, counseling, make it work!! I have NEVER spoke against T or their marriage but the bad wrap that I have been receiving one would think that I have been telling him to divorce her, leave her, and take everything when that is far from the truth. During this time, I have also been having marital issues, and I think that it is selfish of T to think that we are talking about her the whole time that we are on the phone. I call Wil and bounce things off of him and to seek his advice. We are friends that is what friends do! I have recently started calling the house now T has a problem with that! Even though she said she wanted me to call the house more often. I dont understand!! WIL AND I ARE FRIENDS NEVER MORE!! IF THERE WAS ANYTHING ELSE OR WOULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING ELSE I THINK IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW!! I DONT SEE HIM NOR WILL I EVER SEE HIM AS SOMEONE WHO I WOULD CONSIDER HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH!

I am not going to get into this argument. I just wanted to point out that I didn't even recall that conversation until he brought it up the other day. He lied to you about my daughters fathers best friend being female and him cheating on me.

This is between my husband and I. He has brought someone else into our problems. Yes, I have a problem with that. And in March, you have talked every single day, sometimes multiple times a day.

I do not see a point in arguing it solves NOTHING!! I am also having marital issues and my 15 y/o brother is in the hospital with congestive heart failure so if our conversations have been everyday that would indicate that something is going on in our lives! March just started! I am not a threat to your marriage nor will I ever be! He is my friend and nothing else! I am sorry if everyone is having a hard time accepting that!!!!!

Armymp, you seem to have taken our posts personally as if we are attacking your character. That's a shame because we don't judge and if we did - we don't even even know you to make any kind of judgement.

The fact is I would advise ANY man or women not to have a close "friendship" with the opposite sex period. Let alone when both parties are having M problems. Thats a volitile situation even if you can't see it.

And remember, nearly EVERY affair starts as a platonic friedship.

I suggest picking up and reading Not "just friends" by shirley glass.


oh and the distance between you thing. It's not a valid aguement. Lots of affairs happen long distance. My affair partner was 400 miles away.

I respect everything that everyone had to say. It is kinda hard not to take things that have been said on his board personally because a lot of things have been said about me that I chose not to say anything about. I have heard the argument that females and males should not be close friends! I can't stress it enough!! WIL AND I ARE NOT NOR WILL WE NEVER BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN FRIENDS!! I am not interested in having an affair on my husband with anyone. I respect my marriage and fear GOD too much!! I see Wil as a brother,sleeping with him would be like incest and that isnt cool! I will pick up the book and thanks for the advice!

ArmyMP, this site is safe for everyone. You don't need to "shout" by using all caps and lots of exclamation points. You can speak calmly about these issues, though I'm sure they're upsetting for you.

Please re-read these parts of the Terms of Service:

quote:

1. All members are to be treated with the utmost dignity and respect regardless of their marital status, race, creed, color, age, ethnicity, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices.

2. Differences of opinion are normal and natural. Respectful exploration and conversation regarding those differences is encouraged. No flaming or disrespect will be tolerated. Moderators have the responsibility and authority to take action as they see fit in the event of violations of the board rules.

4. No matter what our position on a member's personal choices we will continue to treat them with respect and dignity and to remove ourselves from the situation if our own opinions make doing so impossible.

5. We understand that the dynamics of infidelity and marital pain will bring strong feelings and opinions to the surface. It is the policy of SYMC that safety is guaranteed for everyone who reads or posts to our site. Name calling, judging, disrespect or virtual violence of any sort is strictly disallowed.

That applies to you as well as to everyone else. Please remember that.



What I would like to see if you going back and posting on your own thread where you were talking about your own marriage difficulties and subsequent separation. I'd really like to see you spend all this energy defending your marriage instead of defending your friendship with Will.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just J_SYMC,

Working on me still.....Knew this road would be rough, love is not a simple thing. I feel like running away! Lost friends and family......the true things I care about!

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This is between my husband and I. He has brought someone else into our problems. Yes, I have a problem with that. And in March, you have talked every single day, sometimes multiple times a day.

Exactly. Will1899, wake up and smell the roses. You are walking on dangerous ground here. You are having difficulties, your friend is having difficulties. If you need someone to talk to, talk to a male friend, or a therapist if you aren't already. I don't care if this friend is like your sister. What's more important at this point, your friend or your marriage?

Hey Wil..

I'm thinking also that since the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was recommended for Armyup.. it also might be a good recommendation for both you and T to read as well.

Please understand no one is accusing you or your battlefriend of anything untoward in your relationship. What we would really like to see in both of you is rather than confiding and using each others shoulders to lean on about the things in your marriages that are troublesome and difficult... that you re-learn how to lean on your spouses for that support.

There is a fine line between just 'friends' and 'intimacy' with friends. And by intimacy it doesn't mean physical. It means emotional. It means that by discussing all the intimate details of your marriage with someone else you are exposing yourselves to losing intimacy with your partners and gaining it with each other.

I really would suggest you all read this book to understand where the dangers lie in this kind of friendship, where the boundaries lay to protect your marriage and where the fine line is in terms of friendship with the opposite sex. It is not the same as friendship with the same sex. That doesn't mean it isn't good, or can't be done...it just means its different.

Loui

THis road to recovery is crazy! I;ve been told to work on me....and i the process of doing this I have upset my wife.. I have seen all the comment about my battle buddy and understand some of them. I do have a problem with the idea of an affair, i see this person as my sister nothing more or less.

I've asked my wife to meet me in the middle by talking to me on the phone when I am board at work or nothing is going on. She tells me that we have nothing to talk about or she needs to sleep.

I"ve asked my wife to go to MC with me.. She has told me "No".....

I have asked my wife to talk to me about the problem and not let the situation be one sided ...Howeve conversation become one sided and that is her point of view always...

We can't use the power of joint agreement because if I don't see it her way I am wrong!

I love Tracie but for years it has been what she wants and needs. I want her to meet my wants and needs. I am here to work on the marriage but this has to be a joint effort. I can't do it alone.

Also over the years, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. In the process I have cut off friends and family alike to make my wife happy.

I just want to know the root of the problems and i will try to fix or deal with them. I don't feel that my battle buddy is the problem, it is much more to it.

Hey Will..

Your battle buddy isn't the problem.. she is more the symptom of another problem.

Have you bought the book we suggested earlier? Have you and Tracie read it yet?

Loui