Will

I have no doubt whatsoever that you are hurting very badly. I would be surprised if anyone here thought differently. What I see in the words you type out are the things you are using to cover up your feelings with. Specifically, anger, blame and posturing (i.e. she did X to me; before I was X; she took me to this place; look what she did to me...etc).

Now I have most definitely been there done that with blame, fuming anger, self-righteous posturing...and more I am sure. Thing is this - it wasn't good for me and it probably isn't good for you either.

Now maybe I could argue that I *had* to go through those things to heal. I suppose I could make that argument. Thing is again, it is likely a much better argument to work at minimizing reactivity - in other words anger, blaming and the like.

Hard to do? Maybe.

Worth working at? Very likely.

In my opinion, when people here don't respond with sympathy to statements about blame it isn't because there isn't someone at fault. It's because in many ways blame is ultimately doesn't matter. I mean my ex had an affair, left, then died. Heck, he was still much to blame but that did not help me heal one little bit.

I also feel that anger is dealt with directly because again it is not helpful. I suppose as a wounded spouse you have a right to be angry. But do you want to be angry and right or be healthy?

Will, I know, as I am sure many here do, that you are hurting. I think we have tried to steer you towards healthier ways of dealing with it.

I encourage you to read the things that are uncomfortable here as it may be just the right medicine.

Take care.

When will this stuff end?

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When will this stuff end?

When you find your own inner compass and navigate by that seeking integrity, compassion, honor, diginity, and grace .... no matter what anyone else does or does not do.

In the end, that's always the lesson.

P

Thinking about jumping ship this weekend! Tracie will graduate this weekend and I really don’t feel like celebrating. I also don’t want to be around all these people coming to visit….

We are being force to have a BBQ because Tracie’s father and friend are coming from out of town. My mother-in-law kept her mouth close to the last min now we got to jump thru hoops.

Tracie wants me to be the happy husband and I am not…… My mother in law has done nothing to help with the party she planned…..Her failure to plan should not be our emergency. My truth is I feel like I am celebrating Tracie's affair I really don’t want anything to do with any of this ……Just want to get in my car and leave after volunteer at the kid’s school on Friday.

Talked to her about it and she thinks I am going to visit one of my female friends she don’t like… all in all I really don’t have any where to go. I just don’t want to play the happy proud husband because I am not. The girls and I busted our butts to ensure that she had time for school so she add coaching into the mix, no problem we still support her. she said short term sacrifices for long term goals…So to thank me for all I had done, she picks up her diploma on Monday and had an affair that following weekend (Saturday, Sunday and Monday ),and on top of all that she makes the family’s Christmas vacation hell on earth.

Now why would I want to celebrate her graduation… the girls and I made all the sacrifices and she get all the rewards.

Why all the double standards…… I had a EA and she beat me up every chance she could get , now she has had an all out EA and physical affair and whenever I talk about my feeling I am wrong. I am here working on me but everything I do for me I am wrong. If I go out and don’t answer her calls I am wrong because in her mind I am cheating. How can you hear a phone ring if you are on a shooting range wearing hearing protection and shooting? I leave and go to the store and I am wrong because I don’t answer her ever call. I was home that weekend, why is she putting me under house arrest. I would think that I should be the victim here.

Last night, as I start to look over all that need to be done before Saturday I got mad. This weekend was to be a happy event but it is not now. All it does is pull dark memories from the back of the closet back to the front.

Now I guess the all you will tell me that I am wrong just as she has …….. It is what it is…. I will never be right in the mess. I have accepted responsibility for my past action but her actions are telling me that I can’t hold her to the same accountability that she held me. Will someone explain why…..

Wow, Will. You're still in so much pain. And it's been long enough that you shouldn't be.

I really, really strongly recommend that you get yourself to a doctor and get some anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant medication. It's been long enough that you should be coming back out of that state, and the fact that you're not means that you need help.

I say this having been where you are. If you can't get hold of yourself, you must get help. Otherwise, your world is going to fly apart no matter what you do to try to stop it. Please. Get some help. I understand that you're terrified. Totally. I have so been there. You're freaking out, terribly angry, and unable to find solid ground. I know how scary that is -- you don't have a stable, familiar world anymore.

The thing is, your wife is not going to help you create that stable familiar world. You're just now realizing it, but that has always been true -- of all wives in all marriages. So please. Take the time to get yourself some counseling. Please look into anti-depressants to help you stabilize your moods, because you should not still be reacting this way after four months.

Will I am so sorry you are in so much pain. And have to agree with J about gettin anti-depressants. That was what I ended up doing and it helped me cope.

I know it probably has felt like we here are telling you are wrong. Really though, we are just offering opinions on how to deal with this situation. If you can reframe it that way, maybe it would feel less like blame and more like support, because that is how I intend it.

I do think giving up figuring out who is to blame for what will help you Will.

On a different topic - don't want to stir up trouble but...

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Wow, Will. You're still in so much pain. And it's been long enough that you shouldn't be.

I know you mean well J but I am not surprised at all that Will is in so much pain. First, everything is still quite up in the air it seems and nothing has stablized yet. I personally was in quite extreme, debilibately pain at 6 months post-infidelity. My husband was not fully honest with me and I could sense it. Second, Will appears to be in a situation where his wife is not taking full responsibility for her infidelity and even casting suspicion his way. That, in my opinion, sounds crazy makinig. Third, it takes a LOT to heal under such conditions in my opinion. I think it can be done but I don't believe I could have done it very well. Fourth, I am reminded that protection phase is a way to remove yourself from the insanity of it all in order to make healing easier. I know it is for an active affair but seems like a good point - that it is tough to heal with continued chaos in your life.

One other thought on healing/grieving the losses from an affair. In my humble opinion "long enough" is an abitrary term in healing from emotional trauma. I believe there is a believe in western culture that says "you have X amount of time to heal". I honestly grieved over my first husband intensely for close to a year and less intensely for a few years after that. In other words, I continued to grieve long after everyone thought my time to grieve was up.

While I completely agree that Will would probably be able to cope better with anti-depressants, I think it is also okay to process painful feelings. Maybe though, what you are sensing is that we are recycling feelings, in a sense picking at a scab.

I just don't think you, Will have had a chance (or taken the chance) to let things heal over yet.

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Maybe though, what you are sensing is that we are recycling feelings, in a sense picking at a scab.

Yes, exactly! Thank you, Tiggy, for clearly articulating what has me so worried. After four months, we were all still in terrible pain, absolutely. But when it doesn't seem to have shifted at all, then I start to worry about the grieving and pain giving way to depression. I'm NOT saying Will should have healed by now (lordy, were it only so simple!) and I'm sorry if I implied that. It's just that I think there ought to be some progress in that direction and I'm worried that there doesn't seem to be.

Bless you J for finding that nugget in my long-windedness! Some days are better than others at being concise.

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I'm NOT saying Will should have healed by now (lordy, were it only so simple!) and I'm sorry if I implied that.

Thank you for clearing that up because that is how I read it. Sometimes in forums it is hard to convey exactly what we mean.

Will, what your thoughts are on checking out anti-depressants?

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Sometimes in forums it is hard to convey exactly what we mean.

Heh. Honestly, I'm amazed that we humans can communicate at all sometimes.

But anyway, yes, back to you, Will. What're you thinking?

Not sure what to think..... The weekend is now over...it was very difficult but she was supportive. I could not have asked for anything more.

Well it has been a few months life is getting better, but I am having a problem with trusting her.

I feel like I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall. Summer is now over and Tracie and the kids have return back to the classroom. Tracie is back to working and coaching and the distance between us has started to grow. When Tracie is out and about I wonder if she is talking to the OM or someone else.

What can I do to help myself along the road to recovery? Can we have a marriage if I am having such a problem with trusting Tracie? I just want to relax..... I am always thinking that the next thing is right around the corner.

So Will, what kind of accountability do you have in place? Do you check cell phone records? Have access to her computer and email address passwords? That dang myspace/facebook still up? Have access to it?

When you ask for these things or use the right to look into them are you met with defensiveness on her part?

Well >>>>HE IS STILL TRYING TO CONTACT HER AND i DON"T KNOW WHAT TO THINK! sHE TELLING ME THAT SHE WANT ME THERE TO HELP HER DECIDE WHAT TO DO... LAST NIGHT I TOOK HER TO BUY NE WEDDING RINGS AND NOW THIS .......i AM NOT IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW!

will,

Breathe. Take a deep breath. You can't make good decisions in such a conflicted state. Listen to what you are saying. You need to comfort yourself. Your wife can't do that for you. How can we help you relax? And, alcohol is not a good idea right now.

HoFS

Ok.....This is so stressful. I have access to all Tracie’s stuff but I don't feel I need to look. When you seek for something you will always find something.

Tracie has been very supportive but the OM keeps trying to contact her. I have my problem with this due to my lack of trust in her. I really did not know how much trust played in a marriage.

I really want to make a drive to Knoxville and handle this face to face...lol more like fist to face.

Funny thing, I was so stressed out about work before all this happen and now my duty days are more like a stress relief. I still don't like my job but I am starting to enjoy it more.

Love is a strange thing..... I don't understand why I want her in my life after all this pain she has caused me. When I look at Tracie I see the woman I want to spend my life with but it is difficult for me to give her all of me when I am fearful to trust her.....Will this ever get better?

Right now I am venting here since I would normally turn to a female friend to vent.

will,

Glad you made the choice to come here to vent. What exactly is your wife doing to set you off? So far all I can see is that the OM is trying to contact her.

BTW, glad you are not seriously considering the fist to face approach. Your problems could get so much bigger.

HoFS