I can go days feeling just great, even weeks, then WHAM...it hits me right in the face. During the feel good times I can even think of the infidelities by my H and think "no big deal, I can handle it all and I forgive him and love him etc."

There are no triggers like seeing the OP or places that bring back bad memories yet it will hit me all of a sudden. I start to think what he has done and it kills me and I feel like dying to rid myself of the pain.

So, why can I sometimes think of all he has done and feel fine and other times think of what he has done and it destroys me? I can't find a reason for this. Is something wrong inside of me? I wish I knew. Maxlo

Maxlo,

Nothing is wrong inside you. What you are feeling is completely normal and "to be expected." When I first found out about my exH's infidelity, I became a puddle and cried for 3 days and nites straight. Then, some time went on and I cried for days only. Then, some time when on and I cried every OTHER day all day. Then, some time went on and I cried off and all every other day.

You get the drift.

There are a number of factors that can affect you such as: monthly cycle/hormone stuff, seeing a movie, stress in another area of your life, lack of sleep, poor nutrition (yep--twinkies do not cut it for dinner), absence of exercise, and any number of other things,

The point to remember is this: the days when it WHAMS you in the face get fewer and farther between as time goes by (just trust me on this), and that during this time it is ESPECIALLY necessary for you to care for you. Make sure you get rest (and if you can't sleep, lay there and pray or meditate). Eat well (and if you can't swallow, buy chunky soups--they are nutritious and easier to swallow). Exercise (I found long walks to be therapeutic). Be aware of your monthly cycle and your natural rhythms--maybe track the bams in the face and see if there's a pattern.

Maxlo, give yourself a break. You've had a major shock to your system, and it's like recovering from surgery. It takes time...and just when it seems to be going well, a stitch pops.



Selene

"Approach love and cooking with wild abandon..." --Dahlai Lama

selene_symc@yahoo.com

Yes I can see I am better. This time last year I could not think of planting my garden and in fact I didn't. H did all the planting. This year I can do it and enjoy it.

I felt so down because my Dday 12-18-02....16 moths ago, I felt I should be so much further along.

Even though my Dday was 16th months ago, what I found out was only a pinhole in the Titantic. There was sooo much more to come. It wasn't till May sometime that I had everything. So, maybe my actual Dday is somewhere in May ONLY 10 months ago. What I learned on Dday was nothing, absolutely nothing when compared to the whole truth.

All in all I am so better. As for PMS, I past that. I just could not understand why sometimes I could think and not feel upset, that is too much, about H's infidelities even when I examined them closely in my mind. But why sometimes it kills me. You would think if I am past all of this stuff and can look at it calmly without hurt, why can't I do it all the time???????????

Thanks for your response. Day by day I will get stronger. Cleo = (Max)

Oh my heavens, Cleo!

My exH's big A was in 1999. For the next two years, I kept finding out more and more and more--and more A's. We have been divorced for a year now, and I hate to tell you, sweetie, but there are STILL days when it carves up my heart and it has been five years! I loved the man and he was the husband of my youth, ya know?

I think one thing I've discovered is that at first, I did not know how to deal with those "Wham Bam" days. I felt so blindsided and unprepared for them. As time went on and I educated myself (both in learning about A's and in learning about me) I figured out some things that would help me deal with them better...some tools. I bet as you move through your journey you will find helpful tools too.

One of my very best tools is helping other (like here on this forum). When I am thinking of and praying for others, it's hard to keep my focus on myself and my hurt. Another very favorite tool of mine is W-T-F-S, which stands for "When you___, I Think___, I Feel___, So will you___." A lot of times some particular thing about the A or the lies or something is bothering me--and since I am a big, emotional, feeling kinda gal, I tend to get swirled up. Well, I wait a bit for the swirling to die down and then I figure out exactly what it was that got to me.

Here's an example:

"When you tell me (3 years later) that you totally underestimated me as a business partner and did not know how good you had it, I think "WHY NOW?? After all these years and after all that has happened, why now??" and I feel angry because I waited for you to love me for so many years and it seemed to me that your actions proved you didn't care. Soooo...I'm glad you realized I am one smart cookie when it comes to business, but I'm going to ask you to not tell me because it upsets me."

(That's an example out of my real life.)

No, you do not have to say all of your WTFS's out loud--but it helps you to zero in on what the problem is and what you can do to fix yourself. At times, it can also be said out loud and you've gotten it figured out in nice, concise, short words.



Selene