I pop in and out of this wonderful place, symc, as time and energy permits. And today I was pondering the road behind me. It feels so incredibly long from this vantage point and I vaguely see what looks like me back then, but doesn't feel like me anymore.

When my first husband had his affair, left and the marriage blew up, I reacted big time. I mean I reacted with every fiber of my being that so many of us know all too well. I see the me I was then and wonder how on earth I became the me I am today! Back then I seemed trapped in my pain, warped by my anger and utterly unable to make many logical choices or decisions.

And I remember very clearly having the moment of calm in the middle of the storm for a couple of weeks. It's so strange to ponder it now because it's like watching someone else in some strange movie. Like a characture of me. So the calm, I didn't understand it at the time but it makes perfect sense now.

It came about a month after he filed for divorce and maybe a week after I found out he had married the other woman. (Yes, he married her while still legally married to me - a movie of the week story for another time ). I lost all hope and felt my life was completely out of control. After much angst about those feelings I realized I had no choice but to accept what was happening in my life. Certainly I didn't like it but fighting the reality of it absolutely did nothing to change it.

I was calm and sad.

Nothing remarkably dramatic happened while I was in the calm. It seemed like an emotional respite at the time. I just plugged through each day.

The calm did not last of because I chose to continue the drama with my ex. I called my district attorney friend and asked her to file bigamy charges against him. She said "that would be fun" and filed the charges. I reengaged myself in the struggle and I suffered for it.

Another calm came a few months later when I decided to fire my attorney. What was the point of paying for an attorney when we were being cival and agreeing on everything. In the beginning I most certainly needed an attorney when things were uncertain and we were fighting about who the kids would live with. He eventually conceded that.

So I let my attorney go, he let his attorney go. Our divorce was final within a few weeks after that. Nothing change around that but again I accepted my situation.

The day we filed our divorce at court, I thought I would fall apart when he brought the other woman. It felt so sad to me. Then he insisted that she stay out in the hallway - that felt at least like a shadow of respect or perhaps just trying to keep the drama down.

We filed with the goofiest judge. He didn't sign it. He gave me the file to carry through the court building, which was a big no-no. Then he went to lunch and we had to wait there for his return for his signature. That was a tense hour.

We filed and I remember how judgemental I got when the other woman whiped out her checkbook to pay for our divorce. How bizarre I thought. I would never pay for someone else's divorce.

I wept afterwards in my car. Five weeks later he would be dead at his own hand.

I have come so far from those days but the scar occasionally throbs just a little.

Two things I have learned that come to mind right now.

First, don't believe everything you think or feel!

Second, accept what is. I have done so much thrashing about over the years. It has taken so many forms, I have lost count.

I have been judgemental - I wouldn't do it that way, or how could, or can't you all see what he is doing TO me - it's all his fault (blame - another good one).

I have avoided the truth by thinking myself right into a justification of whatever. Well, he didn't really mean it when he told the other woman he loved her. Or it doesn't really hurt that much, I am responsible for my own happiness and this does NOT hurt (liar, liar pants on fire lol). I am responsible for my own happiness and feelings but if I feel hurt, denying that doesn't make it not hurt.

I have butted heads with people with no apparent reason except to vent some anger or superior feelings. I know I can have an opinion that is different than yours but I don't have to make you wrong in the process. That just makes opinions something more than they are and makes unnecesary opponents in life.

Life has so many twists and turns doesn't it?

Today is Easter and always feels like a time when I can celebrate new life. Spring is just busting and I feel on the verge of something new coming. I always get contemplative about new life coming out of pain and suffering at Easter. Probably my upbringing. But I am no longer stuck in the muck of infidelity or pain or suffering or regret. I am just stuck in grad school - ha ha ha. I graduate in June, so not that stuck.

Just thoughts about time gone by.

Thanks for this post Tiggy.
Happy Easter!

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First, don't believe everything you think or feel!

I remember seeing that in a signature line somewhere...

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Second, accept what is. I have done so much thrashing about over the years. It has taken so many forms, I have lost count.

Accepting what is is the first step. Accepting what you want to be is the second. Accepting whether or not there is anything you can do to turn the first into the second is the third step. After you've given the third step you're best shot, feeling good in what you've accomplished (no matter the outcome), and being happy that you did everything you could...well, that's acceptance not only of what is, but your own position in it.

I'm glad to see you.

Hey Mags, Nice to see you!

Antigone Rising - I knew I always liked you!!!! You know stealing a line from someone is a great compliment.....I hope.

Okay the paragraph on Accepting made me little head spin at first. See, I am a simple girl and need bulleted lists.

Here's another thing I have learned - Eating chocolate helps soothe the soul but not the hips! I have so much Easter candy right now it is just, well, too much.

PS - do you think it is good to avoid writing my thesis type paper by posting on symc? Who came up the idea of this thesis stuff anyway? Is the point to confound myself with the sheer about of typing involved? Or perhaps I can work on going blind with all the reading?

Whine, moan, complain. <talking to self here> Seriously there are really, really much worse things in life than researching and writing. Sigh, because it is true but I still want to whine just a little. lol

I think I need a drink.

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PS - do you think it is good to avoid writing my thesis type paper by posting on symc?

I dunno if it's a *good* idea but I could play too and avoid the reading, writing, and planning I need to do .......

P

Oh let's not play! I hate being too busy. My mother plays this game of how important she is because she is too busy and it drives me nuts!!! I want to be so important that I can pay people to be busy for me.

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Antigone Rising - I knew I always liked you!!!! You know stealing a line from someone is a great compliment.....I hope.

I stole it from a bumper sticker in a pagan shop.

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ay the paragraph on Accepting made me little head spin at first. See, I am a simple girl and need bulleted lists.

I tend to like the bullet-point summary, myself. Maybe it is my tendency to analyze and identify the trend line. Maybe it is my years in Software Development. I have a thing for flow-charts, too.

I like flow charts as long as they don't flow in too many directions.

I feel so stressed right now and figured I could just state that here. I am tired of writing. I am tired of thinking. But I have to press on because things are due in a couple of days, then again in a couple of weeks, then the big presentation. Sigh. I am pooped.

Grad school has without a doubt been the most intense period of my life. I am tired of taking 16 + graduate level credits each term. Nine credits is full time, I am almost double that.

I am scarred. Scarred that my capstone paper/presentation won't make the grade. And I won't graduate without passing it. Sigh. I am averaging about a B so far and don't want to slip up.

I love my clients/patients but feel some days I don't have the energy to participate fully in their treatment. And that is important right now, as I am treating people with swallowing impairments.

No troubles last for always. My grandmother used to say that and I am going to hang onto that right now. There is an end in sight.