So husband left after 28 years of marriage because he 'fell in love' with someone else. I waited and hoped that it would come to nothing but it hasn't and he divorced me after 2 years separation. How do I (and my children who are 26 and 20 and both in new but serious relationships) believe about love? Both my kids talk to me about intense feelings of insecurity and I feel that if I were to be in the situation of finding someone new, I would feel the same.

I have picked myself up and got on with life in a way that friends describe as couragous. I am still working on me. But how will I ever feel that love will last? Is what I have learnt from this site and all the reading I have done enough to give me the skill to make the next relationship last or is it all a gamble? Do we just have to take a leap of faith or never give our hearts again?

To the people out there who have loved and been left and then loved again ... how did you do it?

Jules, great question and I have no answers.

As one who was the BS, and who was asked by my ex for a divorce (which I finally gave to him), I can honestly say that I don't think that I personally will ever be able to fully trust again.

Sad to say, but I have made my peace with it.

I am nearly at retirement age (a few years away, but still close). My history includes a 13-year stint as a single mother when my first marriage failed. That was when I found my true inner strength. I married my second husband as a very strong person and to that person I remain true. My strength has persevered.

At this point in my life, I am truly content (and happy!) to be alone. I do not need a 'mate' to 'complete me' or to make me 'whole.' I am happy. Yes, I am. I actually have found that I enjoy living alone (ok, my cat just complained about that comment, so I have to say I am not alone). I am fulfilled. I have a great life with a fabulous job, volunteer activities and a social life.

I cannot respond to giving your heart again, Jules. What I can respond to, however, is that by becoming the best YOU that you can become, you will be able to reach that place where you find contentment and happiness.

quote:

But how will I ever feel that love will last? Is what I have learnt from this site and all the reading I have done enough to give me the skill to make the next relationship last or is it all a gamble? Do we just have to take a leap of faith or never give our hearts again?

To the people out there who have loved and been left and then loved again ... how did you do it?

My signature line includes lyrics from the song "Oh Love" by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GX7x_IdnVQ

Part of the song's lyrics are these words:

Oh love
Deep as the light from God's own breath
Endless even after death
Gone like the sunset
You can break a heart in pieces
Put it back together again
You can break down sweet forgiveness
You're the one that never ends

Gone like the sunset. Love does die. And yet it does not. And the realization of that death-and-life reality went with me into my new relationships. It accompanied me into a marriage that still takes my breath away with its power and strength and wholeness.

One thing I have to accept is that loving this man so utterly profoundly means that someday, sometime, that love will die. Perhaps an ugly divorce. Perhaps the slow fading of love over a long time. Perhaps in a fiery crash on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Perhaps after 50 wonderful years, in my sleep or in his sleep.

So then I have a choice. I can run from love, knowing that heartbreak is the seed in its seductive soul. Or I can embrace love, knowing that it will cut me more deeply than anything I have ever experienced before. There are no easy, simple solutions to this problem, I don't think. I have loved profoundly -- and profoundly optimistically.

I came across an e-mail I sent many years ago last night. In it, I reassured someone that even though things looked very dark just then, I had an unshakeable faith that everything would work out okay.

That was nearly ten years ago. I no longer have that solid faith that things will work out all right. I have learned that people really are awful sometimes, awful to the point where there is no recovering and there is only unending pain. I've learned a whole lot about human nature that I didn't know before, or didn't want to believe.

So how do I go on, knowing that ugliness resides in every heart, that every hurt caused by another person is possible in my life, in my relationships? Sigh.

And yet.

There was a night on a hilltop at Penny's house when I had the choice. Step away from love -- or step toward it. She told me she had seen how deeply I had loved before, and that wasn't so uncommon. And then she said what was rare was the chance to have that deep a love again. She thought I should take the chance.

Seeds of pain, seeds of joy. It's human life. I don't know how we manage to take the risks we do in order to love and live. Even as I keep taking them.

My ideas have changed radically since the affairs.

I just know now to enjoy every moment.

I believe most have experienced that deep love - not so sure I believe that is all that unique.

I think what is unique is living every day as if you meant it! Not just as a means to an end. I live much more deliberately now.

Beautiful JustJ.
Although I must say, awareness of that seed just makes me want to run away from love altogether. Some days I still kick myself for having a baby, which is really just a new, and possibly much more painful, avenue to be hurt from.
On the days I'm fully aware of that seed - that's when the song "I am a rock" is my theme song.

Thanks, as ever, for replies. This site is amazing for the depth of thought given to responses.

I don't think that I lack the courage to love - I loved my son and lost him, and would not have been without that love. Oh yes, Mags - from the moment that you get them, you are afraid of loosing them. But how they enrich your life!

I also think that I have the courage to fall in love again, but I feel sure that I will be insecure, and that that very insecurity might be destructive. However, I might just have a better, more committed relationship than I had before.

I can feel that I am healing and also developing. I was engaged at 19 to the only man I had ever had a relationship with. And now that he is gone, I am 19 again (in the body of a 53 year old!) and pretty inexperience. I am having interesting conversations with my kids, who seem to know more about love than me.

I'm not sure what life holds, but like Tiggy says I am living much more deliberately now. And enjoyment is coming too ...

Sharon's response is as always, very true to mine. I don't think I will ever fully trust again.

I'm not sure I will ever love anyone like that again, it makes me sad to think that, but it is what it is. I didn't want a divorce, I stayed true to my vows and I believed in him. The divorce is his want, his desire. I can do nothing about that.

I am not sure at all that I could ever put myself out there again for anyone the way I did for my husband, for he was the love of my life.

Will I be happy, I am sure of it. I am happy to some degree now, but I never see me really in a serious relationship again. I am learning that I truly do not need anyone to make me happy, it's all within me and the joy and I get from my kids, my friends and the peace I find when I can help those in the situation I never wanted, but found myself in.

If I can spare someone one terrified moment that infidelity causes, then for me that's what it is all about.

Plus I am in my late 40's and raising a child on my own now, along with being the mom of a 26 year old and someone's granny, so most people my age are dealing with looking to enjoying time alone and occasional visits with grandkids. Not rasing an 8 year old. But she is my proiority and actually what has gotten me through this. My little love.

It's another adventure for us Jules...I hope you do find love again. I hope we all do and that we can have the relationships that WE want.

I so know about that being one age in your mind, but another in your body... But I have a feeling life will be much kinder to us then it will be to those WS's who gave us up!

Peace and love and many hugs to you