Hello everyone;

I am newly in PP. Tonight I gave WH PP letter (Earlier I had told him of decision over the phone while he was away on trip). Our facts:
married 8 years
have 2 year old son
WH moved out June 8

I am wondering what people think about the concept of the "exit" affair that I have seen identified on the web, in which the person has an affair simply as a way to get out of a marriage.

My WH is adamant that the marriage is over, we will never be getting back together. He even claimed tonight that he knew our marriage was a mistake as early as a few weeks after we were married.

Normally my husband is such a clear-headed, strategically-minded person, that I'm finding it difficult not to believe that this is the truth. Maybe he has been unhappy the whole time and it was a mistake, for him, to marry me. Maybe the affair is just a symptom of his massive dissatisfaction and his way of getting some happiness in his life.

I'm feeling right now that my life was a huge lie. Although I get the point that one should ignore this kind of talk, I am hard pressed to do so. How does a person know that there isn't some truth to what the WH is saying? What if he is actually telling me what is true for him in a very clear-headed way?

It's hard to be hopeful,
rlana

Hi rlana,
Welcome to SYMC, but I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. It's a little slow here on weekends, but bear with us.

Most waywards who are in affairs, revise the history of their marriage in their minds. It's part of the rationalization process for their affair. What was once a pretty solid marriage, can all of a sudden be something "they've always regretted," "they've never loved their spouse," etc. It's a way for him to feel that his affair really isn't his fault - and in fact, he'd like to make this kind of your fault. He probably isn't doing it on purpose - he probably really believes what he is saying. The mind is trying to find any way to stay with the affair partner.

The thing is - most marriages have issues - but the choice to have an affair rests solely on his shoulders. Not yours. Please do not take that on, even as much as he wants to give it to you.

You mention you are in PP. Do you have a counselor to help you through this? PP is very difficult and it's good to have some sound advice. There is a Protection Phase private board here at SYMC, that will keep your information closed off from the main boards. Penny can grant you access.

There are many things for newcomers to read here at SYMC - look towards the top of the main board. As you read, you'll probably see many familiar patterns in your H's behavior. Like revising the history of a marriage.

Take care and be strong. You know deep down what your marriage is/was.
GS

thanks, GS, for your kind words.

I have been reading avidly and am working with Penny. I have read about all the patterns, but somehow facing it yourself is so much harder, even when you know intellectually what might be going on.

I guess my own dissatisfactions with the marriage over time have lead me to question, now, as a result of my husband's comments, the marriage as well. I never would have undone my committment; I always wanted to be with him even though I was disappointed in the lack of time we spent together. I always felt that getting to spend time with him was the "best time in my life". Husband has been resisting spending adequate time for at least 2 years(and has been building his own business during same time). AP is his close assistant. I spent time helping him with business, but was conflicted about it and unhappy because I wanted to find my own vocational path after I got out of my original career path. Am mostly at home with my son now, going through a career counselling program, and would like to find part-time work so that I can remain with my son a little longer till he gets a bit older.

I know that ultimately this is a win-win situation for me (either get the marriage I desire with my husband--or--stop being cruelly neglected and betrayed, grow to be a better person, and find love with someone and do it right the next time around). Right now, a big part of me needs affair to end and have WH "wake up" and realize what a mistake he made. I don't want to pin my hopes on that and get attached to the idea.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Just because someone is concerned about their marriage is not a reason to have an affair. That makes about as much sense as figuring out that your house needs a new roof -- and then setting fire to it instead of getting a new roof.

Sadly, when one is in the midst of an affair, one is not usually using the part of the brain most suited to rational thought. So things start to make sense in odd ways. Best bet is, indeed, to stay in Protection Phase until you can determine whether this is a long-term pattern or a short-term aberration. Tough time, absolutely, and we'd love to help you through it.

Hi -

Hang in there. PP: It's time to heal and re-focus. Take a look here for Protection Phase material
Articles threads

Take some time to settle, acheive some peace, envision some personal goals of yours, take a class, visit loved ones... Decompress if you will. Post here. help others... It's about taking time to get right yourself. You'll be more attractive to yourself and others.

Keep posting!
SB

am switching over to private PP board to be more secure. Thanks for your kind comments---I feel surrounded by love.

rlana

quote:

That makes about as much sense as figuring out that your house needs a new roof -- and then setting fire to it instead of getting a new roof.

Ha! That is soooo utterly perfect. I borrowed it to share with a client

P

I once said 2 my W that trying 2 recover our marriage while she was still in contact with her OM would be like trying 2 rebuild our house while it was still on fire.

But the message was ignored at the time.

-ol' 2long

2Long!!!!