Since I filed for D against WH, my feelings about my entire situation have changed.

I have begun to feel something like pity for him.

Financially, a D would be devastating for him. My atty is confident that I will get a very good settlement.

Emotionally, the effect on him is a little harder to predict (I am in PP). If the D becomes final, WH will have the children every other weekend, and for two weeks during the summer break. This isn't what he wanted - he wanted dual custody - the girls living with him (and OW) 50% of the time.

He's lost his chance to be the kind of father he wanted to be (unless we reconcile), because I don't think this kind of contact is really enough for him to be a real father.

So, I think I am beginning to feel compassion. He has wrecked his life, although it's too early for him to know that yet, I think. He's still deep in the fog, still thinks that everything will be OK, that he and I will be friends, that the kids will still love and respect him just as they used to.

I know it's not true. It will break his heart when he finally realises it. So, yes - I pity him indeed.

Peace.

Can you see.... can you feel.... that he did all of this from a place of disconnect from himself? That more than the things you mention he's lost - he's lost, and continues to lose, his sense of self worth? And that little by little his spirit sinks into that sad, dark, place? Seeing this, from your own place of groundedness, is indeed, the seat of compassion.

This is what makes your healing possible. Many BP's come to this place eventually and it's what allows them to move on without rancor and bitterness. You'll be fine, Solar. You're beautiful, funny, talented, caring. You'll rebuild. It's so much sadder for him - the likelihood that he will heal is slight and the work involved is so much harder.

P

solar,

Yes chere....and one of the strangest dynamics is that compassion is often allowing someone else to experience their losses without trying to either rescue, fix or interfere in that process. It is the recognition that they are where they need to be and that you may not have the power to change it....but you can find your own peace independently from their chaos. Those BP who end up the healthiest and happiest are the ones the follow the path you are on.