he is wanting to stay at the house tonight, to see how it goes if there is arguing blah blah blah I dont know what i should do if i should stay there or not. Im really confused he says that he feels we should build on things and take it one day at a time is this possible. Ive wanted him to stay for so long and now i feel like im going to screw up, ive read the book and the articles. I feel like if i dont stay im rejecting him trying etc.

Where is the OW in the picture now?

he claims she is out of the picture but ive heard so many things i dont know, it doesnt matter now he left with the kids and says he has made up his mind that its over and he wants a divorce. i cant stop crying i feel like im begging him to listen if i even bring her up he says"she has nothing to do with it, your the one with the problem" i keep trying to convince him that im willing to give him all thetime he needs he says "He cant live with someone like me" he just wants an easy way out. he even told me to get a boyfriend

I am so sorry you are hurting. I don't know what to say to help you but a couple of observations.

quote:

he claims she is out of the picture but ive heard so many things i dont know,

I'm not buying it. It sounds to me like he is torn because she is still part of the picture. And I know this is hard to believe but what he says may not be true later. He isn't himself right now. He is in the middle of addictive thinking it sounds like to me. My husband said some pretty wacked things that he just looks at me now like I am crazy because he doesn't think he would have said things like that. He too suggested I date.

quote:

i keep trying to convince him that im willing to give him all thetime he needs

I do understand this thinking but it won't get you anywhere. You really can't convince him of much by words right now I don't think. I did this with my first husband big time. Told him I would do anything, told him I was willing to change. I found myself slipping into this thinking a little with my husband now when I suspected an affair.

I had to pull away from him a little to get a grip on myself and figure out my course of action. I was so hurt and so scarred, that I really had to remind myself that I was a gift to him, I was special. I had to come to grips with the fact that **I** had limits to what I would live with. I really had to tap some deep strength to face that I was NOT willing to be one of two women in his life. I was the one and only or I wasn't an option for him. I couldn't control him. But I could control my involvement with him, my part in the drama.

quote:

he says "He cant live with someone like me" he just wants an easy way out. he even told me to get a boyfriend

That must have hurt terribly. I can imagine. Instead of getting a boyfriend, get a plan of action. The first piece could be if you feel pressed like if you don't jump now you are dooming this forever, slow way down and sleep on whatever it is.

And I know, really I do, how scarry this is but some time to yourself will really help heal up some of these wounds, which will give you not only some peace but also some strength and clarity.

Hugs Kimmy. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Tiggy

thanks tiggy, i decided today because i cant do anything right im going to stay away from him not contact him and avoid his calls. I went to see my mom this morning and left my cell phone in the van, he called twice and left nasty messages like"what are you out with your boyfriend?" ive tried to talk to him and he seems so angry, everything is my fault i can only hope that it will end between them. my goal for now is just to get through this week. i dont know what else to do anyone from michigan? thanks

Hi -

Even on Halloween peace and grace are in style.

If you can't be compassionate then PP may be a blessing until you are ready. You may very well need some time to settle your thoughts, heal, etc.

I think you can leave a message to that effect and not go any further.

There is a process that works best. No Contact letter, etc...

Getting in contact while you are confused is scary for you and your children.

Hang in there, don't do anything against your interests.

ATB,
SB (A self portait for All Hallow's Eve)

Bump!!

Kimmy,

I would like for you to do one shift for me, ok? Just one (right now), promise.

Can you move from a place where you think YOU are responsible for demonstrating OW is still in the picture to a place where it is his responsibility to demonstrate to you that she is not?

The fact that OW is in the picture has already been proven. You need to hold until he can prove that she is not. The shift I've asked for from you will show you this. It isn't your responsibility to decide to believe his word. It is his responsibility to support his assertation.

quote:

he claims she is out of the picture but ive heard so many things i dont know, it doesnt matter now he left with the kids and says he has made up his mind that its over and he wants a divorce. i cant stop crying i feel like im begging him to listen if i even bring her up he says"she has nothing to do with it, your the one with the problem" i keep trying to convince him that im willing to give him all thetime he needs he says "He cant live with someone like me" he just wants an easy way out. he even told me to get a boyfriend

You can't talk to him, and you can't reason with him. Understanding, compassion, and reason have nothing to do with his actions or thought processes. They, therefore, cannot impact his actions or thought processes right now.

Kimmy, he is punishing you for not doing what he wanted you to do. You can't trust what he's saying. You need to stay protected until he can demonstrate to you that OW is out of the picture and he can protect you.

What are the steps he has to take to demonstrate those? Who does he contact when he has done that? Who is your accountability partner for not contacting him or responding to his contact?