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Villager |
A lot of you may know the story of my marriage by my wife’s post on the site. For those of you that don’t here is our story.
This story is all true and I did get into this relationship not completely over the last. One thing that was not covered is that I did and still do love my wife. Why am I posting today? My wife completed her Master’s degree in education on 12/16 and on 12/17 my life started to crumble in around me. Three weeks ago my wife located an old friend who she wanted a relationship with on a social networking website unknown to me. I just found out the true extent of her talking to him this past Monday. In the past my wife had spoken of a person she met while visiting Hawaii 12years ago. She told me this man changed her life and helped her to put her life on the right track. After spending a week with him on the island a relationship started to develop. My wife returned to California and made plans to return to the island to start a relationship with him. However when all was in order the man contacted her and told her not to, that he was trying work thing out with his child’s mother. From my understanding, my wife was hurt by this man but held on to feeling for him. On the day my wife picked up her diploma 12/16, I took the opportunity to talk to her about going to school full time and being a stay at home parent. Thee talk did not go over well and ended with hard feeling about the subject. On the 12/17 my wife located her male friend started talking with him on the phone without my knowledge. Between that Wednesday and Friday out relationship had fell apart to the point where she told me she need space to think and was going out of town for the weekend. I had a problem with her going out of town for the weekend since she is a home body that does not travel much. She went away the weekend before the holiday and returned worst off than she was when she left. She returned and stated that our marriage was over and she was moving in with a friend. I was taken back by this since things were not great but ok I could see that we were making some progress from where we were. From the point of her return home she started to cry uncontrollably and lash out at me for anything. In my heart I knew something was wrong but had no idea how big the problem was. Last week end after all the strange behavior I started to wander if something was going on when each time I used the laptop the history was deleted. Sunday night my law enforcement mind took over, I conducted a check of our cell phone record, found that she has been talking with him since 12/17, and made almost two hundred calls to him. I confronted her about what I had found and she explained who he was and told me a bit about him. When she told me who he was, it felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest. I was on fire and ****** off. On Monday I started to think about the events of the pass few weeks and to stories just did not add up to me. I stared to review credit card billings online and found a credit conducted in Knoxville the weekend she was away. I asked her what happen over the weekend and she told me that they only kissed and caught up on old time. I don’t really believe that with all the crap I have heard over the past few weeks. Now what do I do? I find myself checking the cell records daily and looking at credit cards statement. I feel sick when she visits the social network web site. Each time I see his photo I feel rage. My wife told me she is tried and don’t want too work on the marriage and more. She has also told me that she is confuse and don’t know what she wants to do. She has also been told getting help is ok but she will not take the lead on repairing our marriage. Now the tables have been turned and I can experience what I put her thru. I am so deeply in love with that I am willing to get over this incident just as she did my incident. This incident I made me to respect the openness that had developed. I just want my family back! This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Moderator |
Hello Will and welcome to SYMC.
 I hope you don't mind, I edited your post by putting what I assume are your wife words into a quote. It was really hard to understand what was going on otherwise. Please review and be sure I broke the post up in the correct locations. In the future if you copy and paste something you can click on the "..." button at the top of the reply page and paste between [ quote] and [ /quote] which will result in what you see above. Anything typed outside of those brackets will not show as a quote. Weekends are generally slow. More will be along for input soon. Sleepy  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life is Beautiful! |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager SYMC Moderator |
Hey Tracie
I WAS kinda curious as to who's husband Will1899 is. Thank you for the clarification hugs to you all Hypatia courage = fear + action |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Well, now you have some realistic perspective on what you put your wife through for years. Honestly, with everything Tracie typed that you admit is true, where did you expect that to lead?
Now, I'm not justifying or condoning what your W has done, but let's not compare apples and oranges. She's had a single incident that seems fairly recent. You had an ongoing tendency and habit that lasted years. You went around calling another woman your wife, and generally treating her as if she were.
If you know the facts in her post and had no idea how big the problem is, you have a serious disconnect with reality. Your biggest problem isn't what Tracie has recently done. That's a symptom of the real problems. The real problems have been infecting this marriage since the beginning. I just hope that your post out here is a serious appeal for help in an honest effort, and not a post made for your wife to read. Yes, after years of that you are going to have to take the first steps. What do you think you can do to show your W that you do care for her and are committed to her? What can you do to focus on yourself, your reactions, and getting to a place where you can handle this safely and effectively? This message has been edited. Last edited by: *Antigone Rising*, Don't believe everything you think. |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Thanks for clarifying, Tracie. I'm going to change that part, then. You are right.
I'm trying to establish some contact with you, and had Regina post my email address. This message has been edited. Last edited by: *Antigone Rising*, Don't believe everything you think. |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Thank you for sharing that with us, Will. It's good to own those emotions. I know it's not always feasible, but do you think you could go to a counselor where you live? In the meantime, maybe you could go play basketball or do some sports that will help you deal with that anger.
Perhaps it's the most difficult thing in the world for you, right now, but maybe you can focus on your own stuff. Feeling rage is not good. A little anger can help you to ask for the things in your marriage that are healthy for you, but rage is a different ballgame and needs to be handled so that no one gets hurt. If a person hurts someone with their rage, how can they expect to have a future relationship with the person they hurt? Whatever Tracie has done to hurt you can be worked on, in time. But for now, it needs to be put on the back burner, so that you can handle your anger in a productive manner.
Will, I think it's highly probable that you can make changes that will help you get your family back. Whether you actually do or not is not in your or my hands. You can't make Tracie want a marriage with you again. I can't make her develop feelings for you. Just as she can't MAKE you make the changes that are necessary. We each have things we CHOOSE to do. Your only choice at this point is: whether or not to become the man Tracie has wanted you to be, all along. With highest hopes, Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
I hear what everyone is telling me. i am working on myself but I am confused to waht is going on around me. I feel like my wife is hiding so much from me.
on my birthday my wife posted something that I just saw tonight: "With grad school that is!!! Last Thursday was my last class. Everything is done, done, done. My professor told me I passed Capstone which is our equivalent to a thesis. I have two other classes I am waiting for grades on. There really is no way I failed either of them. I am so excited to be done. I think I finished with a 3.8, but I did it in a year and a half while working full time and coaching softball. Considering my undergrad G.P.A. was 2.6, I'll take the 3.8. My marriage is doing well. We have our moments but communication between us has improved so much that we can pretty much talk our way through everything. The girls are doing wonderful. My oldest, dd9 had her first violin recital tonight <proud mommy>. My youngest, the one with lots of issues is improving. We have our moments though. She is back seeing a child psychologist and we found a wonderful pediatric occupational therapist that specializes in sensory processing disorders. We are still early on in the visits with her, but for the first time I have hope and felt heard. She wants her to see a pediatric neurologist. Seems to think that all of her problems could stem from an issue in her central nervous system. I guess that's about it. I hope this finds everyone well. " I felt like we were making progress before the incident. Now as i look and read about he this site i find the following "I really need to talk, but can't do it out here. Waiting for access to reclamation. Dh has started posting on here. I'm glad, but I have so many thoughts going through my mind...." Why is she keeping me in the dark? Is she really in love with the other man ? I am so confused not sure what to do or who to turn to. She is not talking to me! This message has been edited. Last edited by: Regina, |
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Villager |
I am so confused not sure what to do or who to turn to. She is not talking to me!
This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Why would you post this, Will? Isn't it Tracie's to post? I think it's fine to refer to it in general, but to quote it? I think that goes beyond the pale a bit. Why isn't she talking to you? Maybe she has some things that she just needs to work out on her own before she can devote her full attention to the relationship. That is NORMAL! Maybe she is trying to understand you, but wants to not hurt your feelings. That is also normal. I will have to let her speak for herself on that one, but I want to ask you something: Does it really have to mean that she is in love with OM or could there be other answers? You see, you seem to jump to the only "bad" solution, after basically brushing off the other posts to you. Are you really here to make yourself the man Tracie would love to be married to, or here to cast aspersions on her, trying to separate her from anyone who wants to help her to heal? If the first thing is true, focus on YOURSELF. Give her some room and time to heal. That will show her CLEARLY that you have her interests at heart. If it's the latter, why would you do that? Regina PS. DANG! I still have mod privileges. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Village Elder |
Will, what kind of man do you want to be? What are your feelings about it?
Here's a thread that Sleepy posted a long time ago that are tips for husbands to reconnect with their wives. It has a lot of great suggestions. Here's another thread I created awhile back that is loaded with tons of great threadson this board. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your life is an occasion, rise to it. Mr Magorium |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Really? It sounds a lot like you want to pry into what she's planning to do, rather than respect her right to make a decision, on her own.
I completely understand being a betrayed spouse. I can understand that you feel hurt, betrayed, left out. I have felt those feelings and I hate that you are feeling them now. Sincerely. What you are missing has to start with Will1899, not with his wife. I am sure Tracie has told you the things that she would like to see in her relationship with you, along with having a baseline of respect, which your ranting here, and revealing her personal posts, that she has chosen not to post here, along with her own indiscretions and pointing the finger and blaming her, does not reveal goes on in your marriage. I know it's difficult to back away from your marriage just a little, but it may be the only way for you to understand what she needs and what she wants from you. Think back: how did you behave when you were dating? How did you treat other women? How do other men treat their wives? That is a start. How have you acted when she's told you stuff in the past? Have you made a safe environment for her? If not, it will take time for her to feel safe in telling you the things you need to build a relationship. Even if you have her trust and she feels safe, it will take a while to repair your relationship. Even if she told you everything she thinks and feels right now, you would not have a repaired relationship. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
I was under the impression that our marriage was doing better a few weeks ago. On Wednesday 12/17 my wife told me she need time and space to think. I was told that she was going to Charlotte to shop for the holidays but she went to visit another man. She could have told me what her plan were,I may not of liked it but i would have understood. My wife can have what ever she likes, I will take the sun out of the sky to give it to her if she ask. I've been work for the past 5 years to fix the pain that I caused my wife.
When Tracie told me how she felt about this person i gave her the opporunity to go back and visit him again to seek out her true feeling. I don't want her her with me if her mind is with another man.My children has seen a change in Tracie in the past few week and ask my why is she upset all the time. I can't explain it to me nor them. I understand that I must work on me and I have started the process of working on me. I found area in my life that needed changing over the past few week. 1. My life centers around my family and work. I have not true outside hobby. 2. After my EA I closed myself from friends and family because I was fearful of losing my wife. Have a few good friends now. 3.I seek my happiness in my wife and family being happy instead of finding happiness in myself. 4. My weight has been a problem for sometime now, it is somethingI need to work on. 5 When my wife refuse to have sex with me due to problem after the birth of my child I felt rejected and stop caring about my appearance. 6. Finish my education. I have a list of thing I am working on to improve me! I hear what you guys are telling me but i still feel asif i am in the dark or she is not telling me the whole story. I understand that things change but things don't change over night. i just want her to be real with me. I am working to to let my action speak for me not my words. Tracie is my best friend and i really don't want to lose her, however if leaving will bring her happiness than i wish her well. I am will to fight to keep my marriage but she tell me marriage counseling will not change her mind and she is only doing this to tell the kids she has done all she can. I am a fighter but if the other person has already gave up why fight. Tonight i saw the post and asked her about it and now i wish i would have not said a word. I was really upbeat about trying to save my marriage but not i have lost a bit of steam. I have notice that she can make an error in our marriage and it is just a mistake. However if I do the same error I have sinned. Years ago my wife slapped me in the face with an open hand and pushed me. I took it that she was upset and she lash out at me. Never to bring it up again. Let me do the samething and I have crossed lines that i can't recover from. What can I do beside fixing me and counseling to fix my marriage. This is were the rubber meets the road. I am will to let my action speak for me not my words. I love my wife and have seen the error of my past actions, I was working to make our lives together better but the events of the past three weeks has confused the hell out of me. All I ask is that one day she will tell me what happen so I can have closure in the relation. |
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Villager |
Regina,
So just walk away and see what happens? What about the OM she kept his number in her phone and his profile on her facebook. Just forget about it? The last thing I want to do is push her away but i really don't know how to fight for my marriage either. So i am confuse and in the dark! |
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Moderator |
Nope, not at all. But don't try and control what you can't. Try calm over anger. Love over rage. Give her a little space right now. Give her time to make an ethical choice on her own. Also, lots of great info and stategy in Penny's e-book. http://www.booklocker.com/books/2116.html This will download to your computer immediately and will give you something to focus on. So work on calm and don't push. Be sure to eat and drink and take a walk to reduce stress. Sleepy ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life is Beautiful! |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
No, I am certain that walking away is not the right answer. But you don't have to "fight" for your marriage, either, unless you mean wrestling with yourself. Your list is fantastic! I didn't expect you to write all that out, because many don't. But like you said, this is where the rubber meets the road. You have to do everything whether Tracie is seeing it or not! Be the best you can be ALL THE TIME, whether others see you or don't. This is change for YOURSELF. Let family be the icing on your cake and let you be the cake. Does that make sense? I'm not suggesting that you be selfish and do what you want when you want without regard to Tracie or your kids. But be gentle and consistent, regardless of what Tracie's doing or not doing. Try to be understanding. I know it may seem like Tracie's deeds are being brushed under the rug, but that is not the case, here. There are hurts in you both that have to be healed, perhaps even before those are healed. The things you have mentioned that you're working on seem to speak to self-esteem. Are you a good man because you have a good wife, or are you a good man because you do good things? I think it's the latter. Whether you are or not a good man does not depend on Tracie. Remember, she is just icing on the cake. Work on respecting her, because you know that her decisions reflect well or poorly on her, and that your decisions reflect well or poorly on you. I think counseling that is solid and not too much blaming of you or her, but definitely holds you accountable is a good idea. I think that if you give Tracie the time to heal, you will have the closure you need. And if you continue to make efforts toward your betterment, as we all are continuing to do, you will convince your family that you are a stand-up gentleman. But remember that it takes time, and small steps. I know five years seems like a long time. Sometimes, it takes much longer to gain back the trust and feelings of safety. And on this point, I'd like to suggest you edit your initial post to make it look like the second or delete it, altogether. That might be a good way to demonstrate your good will and intent to make Tracie feel safe. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
I don't understand but I am will to try. I know i will have problems with this becuase I have no patients...lol i will give it a try!
I am scared that if I don' tfight sh e will walk away. She always told me that i fought for my ex but would not fight for her. Now I see that my ex was not worth fighting for but Tracie is! |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
I think we're both confused when you say "fight." Do you mean, "hang in there, come whatever may?" If so, I agree. But if you mean smother Tracie and eat up all of her time and energy, I think that is where you need to back away. I didn't mean back away from your marriage, but let her have her time. I'm afraid that if you don't, you'll lose Tracie, forever. I am tired, right now, Will. I think you've been given a good starting point. Look at your list, think of ways to help Tracie feel safe, don't demand that she tell you everything, read the posts that Tiggy linked, and check out Penny's book. This stuff will take up your time and give Tracie the space and time she needs for a little while. I think it would also help you to deal with the feelings you're feeling, too. Please take care, and get that reading and thinking done, okay? Have a good night, Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
Thanks for all your help i have some readiing to do.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Village Elder |
Will
Hang in there. For what it's worth I have never posted to your wife - not that I wouldn't, just haven't, so you are my first contact with your marriage. You and your wife both have our support - truely! Patience. I say that and you should have seen me 5 years ago after my husband's affair lol. There's a thread on the big list that I posted earlier that would be really good reading for you. It's titled Getting grounded when you are in chaos.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your life is an occasion, rise to it. Mr Magorium |
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Villager |
After reading the post and thinking I had alot on my mind. I think along with family counseling I need to seek some help of me. In dealing with this mess i have seen a few thing that I don't like. I want my wife to love me not fear me. Last night when she told me she was scared of me it felt like I woke up out of a dream. To have her tell me once more today hurt me.
I guess I am not handling this really well. I am going to contact the my EAP at work to get me some help. Family counseling starts on Monday. I hope I can save my marriage. I am going to need a great deal of support I hope that you guys will travel this raod with me! I wish for the best, in time I hope I can change her mind and aid her in falling in love with me once more. Wil1899 This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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