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Moderator |
I'm not sure where you got that impression. Nobody here will support an affair, least of all the people replying on your thread. We all have the same goal - save the marriage. Yep, a long road ahead but if you're willing to do the work we are here to support and help you (both of you) through it to the end. Sleepy  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life is Beautiful! |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
She's doing the work and thinking it takes to wrap her head around what is going on and what she needs to do. I suggest that you stop focusing on what she's doing, and start wrapping your head around what is going on and what you need to do. You need to get yourself to a place where you can begin to analyze and come up with a plan from a healthy place. You've been given good advice on where to start with that.
I bet that does hurt to hear. This, then, is your place to start. You cannot move forward without both partners feeling (and being) safe: physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Don't believe everything you think. |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Will,
That is a really good attitude. It's going to be hard work, really hard work. But I know you can do it. I used to have anger issues, and occasionally, they still rise up. But the work is so important, and WORTH IT! I know counseling seems unpleasant in thought to a lot of people, but it can be a really good experience. Get one that will tell you the truth, not tell you only what you want to hear. You will probably hear good and negative things. We all do. Just know that the negative doesn't mean you're a bad person, just a person with some work to do.  I apologize that I may not be able to participate in this journey very much. I'm normally extremely busy and am actually procrastinating right now. Before I go, I just wanted to outline a couple of things for you, through questions: 1. Can you guarantee that you won't do whatever it is that is making Tracie feel unsafe? (ie. posting her private information, demanding to know things that she doesn't want to share, etc.) If you can't right now, that's okay, being truthful is the most important thing. But then, you need to get that way. That would be your first step in counseling and in practice. 2. Can you allow her time to determine her safety level? Whether she is safe to be around you or you are safe around her? You will always have my support, even if I am not here to make suggestions and stuff, but through prayer and thoughts, in making yourself the man we know you can be. You're on a continuing journey, I know, and you've made some improvements regarding your affairs, which is to be commended. Please continue, and know that you're not the only one on a journey of self-improvement. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
Regina, I loved my wife she is safe! I have worked in law enforcemrnt for some time know and have seen to effects of domestice violence. I don't want to put my family thru that. I seen women beat to the point that you could not pick out a photo of how thay once looked. I don't want my kids growing up scare and moving from place to place due to violence. I know my wife and I know that she has not told me everything. By the way thing are in this house I know in my heart of hearts that she and the OM slept together. I can deal with it as long as I hear from her. I am fearfrul that we will work on our marriage and i will find out when she tells me she is a few months along. We both have fallen short I just want to move on for me girls. Tracie forced me to tell her the truth of the matter with my ex and I did! Just want her to be real with me about it sooner than later. Not trying to be nasty ! A man know when someone else has been with his wife. I know ! I want my wife back will to work at it like I did in the past when I was out there. I feel like I caused this to happen.I love my wife and family I don't want it to end this way. You can get a word to live by from almost anywhere!!!!!!! This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899, |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Will,
I have no doubt that you have seen women beaten, but Domestic Violence is more than just beating. It is any tactic used to dominate another. I'm not saying you've done that, but I am saying that it's good to be aware. I'm not passing judgment, but just informing so that you can either use the information in any way that is helpful to you and your marriage, or ignore what is not helpful. Okay? I see you claiming responsibility on one hand, then it appears you're blaming Tracie on the other. Let me say this: Tracie is a grown woman and has made her own decisions. That is not your fault. She should take responsibility for those decisions. Admit them, know it was her decision, and avoid the bad ones next time. Same for you. Don't blame her for your decisions, and do the good ones again, and avoid the bad ones. Will, I advocate truth in relationships, at every step. I tell everyone that they need to tell the truth to their partners. At the point when you two recommit to your relationship, as, in my view and like any relationship that has been disrupted, your former relationship is over and you need a newer and better one (which would come when you complete the steps I outlined and Tracie has completed the work she needs to do). Do you see what I'm saying? It's like fixing a house. Sometimes, a house needs minor repair, and sometimes, it needs an Extreme Makeover. Any sort of harmful extramarital relationship or even lack of safety requires the Extreme Makeover. If you don't do the Makeover, your new relationship WILL NOT survive. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager Adjunct Coach Village Butterfly |
I'm going to disagree somewhat, here. There is a complex and difficult dynamic in marriages where one person claims to feel "unsafe," particularly when there is an affair involved, and particularly when there are lots of emotions. So, for example, my ex claimed that I was pressuring her and she didn't feel safe. Why? Because I asked her to end her affair and keep her promises to me and our daughter. Instead, I would say that both of you, Will and Tracie, have an important job to do, here. Each of you separately has a choice. You can either comfort yourselves, or you can look to others to soothe you. If you look to others, you will never feel safe no matter how rock-solid the other person is -- and no matter who that other person is, for that matter. Instead, I would suggest that soothing yourselves, remembering what compassion and ethics looks like, and then making choices based in being an adult who has integrity and courage and ethics and strength.... I would suggest that's a mighty fine way to go. But it's your choice. You can also choose to try to get the other person (affair partner or spouse) to soothe you, to make you feel better. It won't work, of course. What it will do is give you even more opportunities to choose to soothe yourselves as things get steadily worse. Getting calm and connected to yourself is a lot of work. If you'd like ideas on how to do that, though, there are lots of them 'round here. --------------------------------------- Oh love Oh love Oh the many colors that you're made of You heal You bleed You're the simple truth And you're the biggest mystery Oh love Oh love http://www.symcinc.com/about/compassion.html |
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Villager |
I am so sorry baby!
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager Adjunct Coach Village Butterfly |
Tracie, you and I had the conversation about fearing for your physical safety three or four years ago. I'm sorry you're still in that place. And I'm wondering when you and Will are going to get some real help, 'cause y'all have a pile of problems to deal with and I would really like to see you deal with them.
And I'm going to stand by what I said. If you don't feel safe, then I really want you to take the steps, both internal and external, that are required for you to feel that way. I know you love Will. I know you want your marriage to improve. And I know that the only way you can do any of these things is to soothe and comfort yourself. For example, if you have concerns about being abused, there is a compassionate solution. "I love you so much that I will not allow you to harm yourself by harming me or anyone else." Like I said. There is a complex and difficult dynamic when one person claims to feel unsafe. I would love to see you take compassionate action here. Both of you. --------------------------------------- Oh love Oh love Oh the many colors that you're made of You heal You bleed You're the simple truth And you're the biggest mystery Oh love Oh love http://www.symcinc.com/about/compassion.html |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
J,
You and I both know that feeling unsafe isn't just a claim, it's a state of being and there is REAL physiology behind that claim. I'm sorry, but I am going to have to call you on this one. I see no good coming from undermining someone's feelings of unsafety. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager Adjunct Coach Village Butterfly |
Regina, I think you're missing the point. I completely support Tracie's desire to feel safe in her marriage. That requires compassionate internal and external action. [edit]
And Tracie, for your work on safety and all that stuff, please go look at www.compassionpower.com. Did you ever read You Don't Have To Take It Anymore? I can't recall. It's written for women who are in abusive/angry/resentful/blaming relationships -- and their husbands. If you're seriously looking for ways to make sure there is no abuse in your marriage, I'd look there before anywhere else. Best of all, it cannot harm your relationship if there is no danger of violence. Stosny's work can help even the calmest and most stable people. It's genuinely wonderful. This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just J_SYMC, --------------------------------------- Oh love Oh love Oh the many colors that you're made of You heal You bleed You're the simple truth And you're the biggest mystery Oh love Oh love http://www.symcinc.com/about/compassion.html |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
I sincerely hope so, Tracie. Trust your instincts. If you feel safe enough with him to try again, you have my support. You already know that. Will and Tracie, I trust that you both will do everything you can to ensure each others' safety and make a GREAT marriage. Here's another suggestion, which I seem to be full of, lately: Do not depend on each other to "take care" of you. Take care of yourself (with support for each other at appropriate times and in appropriate quantities) and offer each other YOUR BEST. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
J, I think you are on the verge of breaking TOS when you bring stuff from a private forum to a public one. And I never said she should run screaming into the night. Please provide supportable accusations in future. Regina This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just J_SYMC, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager Adjunct Coach Village Butterfly |
Hm. Regina, I'm not aware that I'm bringing up anything from a private board. I was directly addressing what you and Tracie have been discussing on this thread. I'm sorry if you feel that that's not the case, and will happily edit whatever leads you to believe otherwise. How about e-mailing me at jbare@comcast.net to give me details?
Tracie, I'm glad you've read it, and yes, I think it's a good idea to start another thread about compassion. You pick the spot! --------------------------------------- Oh love Oh love Oh the many colors that you're made of You heal You bleed You're the simple truth And you're the biggest mystery Oh love Oh love http://www.symcinc.com/about/compassion.html |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Tracie, Again, you know this relationship better than anyone, but Will. It's weird to read this from you, because while I can believe that you have lashed out, I just...I wonder about the dynamics of your relationship. I think that you are in an abusive relationship and I think you BOTH need help in addressing that and sorting it out. My question is why you would want to continue in this relationship, as is, picking up where you left off and trying to work backward to fix it if you have ever felt the need to lash out? How do you know that you won't lash out again? How can you ensure his safety? And vice versa. Until there is that guarantee, should you two really be under the same roof? You do need more help that this board can provide, I'm sure. And I know I could not be much help to you. Please do address these issues in a SAFE way. Regina ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
This:
...sounds like it came from another conversation. [edit]. This thread has been about safety. Regina This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just J_SYMC, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
Well, I hope you will take all of my posts together. I'm glad there was a treatable source of that sort of strife. I have not read any of that stuff. But I do know that there is a cycle. And I certainly think that you would do well not to feel undue amounts of guilt over what was determined to be a medical condition, although I know I would feel at least some guilt over it, which I think is probably normal. I do hope, very greatly, that your relationship will be devoid of the past issues. *hugs* As for guarantees, I know there are some, as I have made them and received them. All the best, Regina PS. Please do not hesitate to keep in touch. I will also try to do better.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager Adjunct Coach Village Butterfly |
Huh. It certainly wasn't intentionally taken from another conversation, Regina. Nonetheless, I see your point and will remove each instance of it from all our posts, just to make sure it's clean.
--------------------------------------- Oh love Oh love Oh the many colors that you're made of You heal You bleed You're the simple truth And you're the biggest mystery Oh love Oh love http://www.symcinc.com/about/compassion.html |
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Founding Member / Pioneer Villager |
You saw my point? *jawdrop* I was getting ready to toss some serious feathers, here, J. j/k. Thank you for editing mine, too...er, unless you'd like me to do that. edit--> I see you've done it. Thanks. Okay, sorry for the threadjack. And thanks for understanding. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When life gets hairy, it's time to shave. ~RG |
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Villager |
I today was step and tomorrow will be a bigger step! I am looking forward to working with Tracie to rebuild our family. I am in contact with the EAp program to seek help for myself and we have plans to go to counseling on Monday.
I marriage is not fix and this is not the but the start. i got on my knees about this marriage and he answered my prays. i have to show Tracie and myself that our marraige is worth saving. I hope that you guys will stay and run this race with me. I know there will be some hard days ahead. |
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Need a good rate unless someone will co-sign. I want to dream home I started with before I stop taken care of my place.