quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
I today was step and tomorrow will be a bigger step! I am looking forward to working with Tracie to rebuild our family. I am in contact with the EAp program to seek help for myself and we have plans to go to counseling on Monday.

I marriage is not fix and this is not the but the start. i got on my knees about this marriage and he answered my prays. i have to show Tracie and myself that our marraige is worth saving.

I hope that you guys will stay and run this race with me. I know there will be some hard days ahead.

Will,

BH, my (legal) husband and I have been in a similar spot. That we are still able to live together is a testament that significant changes can be made, and my own healing and changes are also a testament that these things can occur, although you all have not seen all of these things. I'm telling you that they have occurred.

My own healing isn't always noticeable to him or others, but *I* know it, and it is changing everything in my life, including my children, for the better.

That you are both willing is a GREAT sign. That you know it will take a long time is also good.

All the best,

Regina

I know most of the story but I want to know the details that lead to this mess, want to know what actions of mine lead to this. I want to know her reasoning behind this so that I may be able to prevent any further affairs. I know I have no control of Tracie’s actions but I need to know where I fell short in our relationship.
I spoke with Tracie a bit ago and she appears to be down. I know that she is getting over being sick for the past few days but I am concern about her. I don't know if she is down due to feeling she has for him or if she is beating up herself. I told her, I would be her for her when she needed me. The affair was a mistaken on her part and everyone makes mistakes, when we fall down we must get back up or we began to roll in pity.

I know to day we have to start over to build a strong family. I am worried that she has feeling for him that she may not be able to let go so easy. I am kind of kinky from time to time but I don't think I want a threesome with him. I saw that she deleted his profile from her social networking site and she told me that she deleted his number from her cell. I am just wondering can she delete him from her heart.

Knowing the truth made my life better but did it help or hurt my wife?

1450 hours, I am sitting her think about the OM! I am P***ed that he can walk away from all this without feeling the pain that he aide in causing my family. He has a girlfriend who knows noting about the events that have taken place over the past month. If he did not know that Tracie was marriage I would not feel the way that I do today. The OM's ex wife walked out with his children while he was deployed to Afghanistan. So in my mind he should know want to put someone else thru that. I’m normally easy going however if I could get in a room with the OM there would be some furniture moving in the room!

I look forward to getting my family unit back together!

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
1450 hours, I am sitting her think about the OM! I am P***ed that he can walk away from all this without feeling the pain that he aide in causing my family. He has a girlfriend who knows noting about the events that have taken place over the past month. If he did not know that Tracie was marriage I would not feel the way that I do today. The OM's ex wife walked out with his children while he was deployed to Afghanistan. So in my mind he should know want to put someone else thru that. I’m normally easy going however if I could get in a room with the OM there would be some furniture moving in the room!

Actually, I suspect OM did feel pain and grieve. And what a sad story about his family.

Let's back off the threats a bit. I've been around the OM(s) my ex were involved with and while I thought I would act similarly, I did not. I just didn't feel it the same way in person.

Getting over an affair partner is not easy. There are attachments....strong attachments. There is bound to be grieving. But look at your wife's actions. She's trying to cut off all contact with OM. She's back with you, hoping to rekindle those emotional feelings and attachments that were once there. It's not going to be like turning on a light switch though.

Now if past history is any indication, the biggest obstacle there may be to you guys falling in love again may be you. Are you going to treat her with care and compassion? Are you going to do your own healing work? How can we help you with that?

Your enthusiasm is fantastic. Just remember, take things slow. As a wonderful person told me once, pretend like you are running in molasses.

HoFS

Hi Will!

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
I know most of the story but I want to know the details that lead to this mess, want to know what actions of mine lead to this. I want to know her reasoning behind this so that I may be able to prevent any further affairs. I know I have no control of Tracie’s actions but I need to know where I fell short in our relationship.

You know, many, many times, the affair is not the cause of anything the other spouse did or did not do. So asking for details of what led to it may only leave you both frustrated and searching for answers. And as far as Tracie's "reasoning" is concerned, affairs are not based in reason.

quote:

I spoke with Tracie a bit ago and she appears to be down.

You have both been through an emotional upheaval recently and your feelings are raw. It is perfectly normal for Tracie to be down. She just needs some time to get her emotions back in a healthy place.

I would encourage you to try to look forward rather than back. Work first on you, on becoming the best possible Will you can be - first for yourself, and next for Tracie and the girls. Only then will you be in a position to even begin to work on your marriage and family.

And, as far as your anger toward the OM is concerned, while it is natural to have those feelings, I would like to see you channel all that negative energy away from him - he is nothing to you - and focus it in a positive, peaceful place to improve yourself.

quote:

Knowing the truth made my life better but did it help or hurt my wife?

It allowed her to make some choices, and while they were not easy ones, she could make them and not have them made for her.

In every way, I can see how truth is always a benefit. Cruelty with truth is not always, however. It should be delivered carefully, in kindness and with good intent.

Should the OM's wife or girlfriend know about the affair? If not why?

Is OM married?

quote:

Originally posted by will1899:
Should the OM's wife or girlfriend know about the affair? If not why?

You'll get different answers. Here are mine...It's important to note that as far as I know Tracie has ended contact. If she had not my answer would be yes.

If your doing it to get even - no.

If you're doing it because she deserves to know and it because it's healthier for their marriage - yes.

I would say don't put a lot of energy into it. Focus on your marriage.

Well gosh Sleepy, put most of the possibilities in one post. Now I have almost nothing to say.

What I did Will, in considering telling ow's possible boyfriend (it was never clear whether or not she actually had a current boyfriend) was ask myself this - is this my responsibility? I decided for a variety of reasons it wasn't. I was having enough trouble sleeping through the night, not crying every few minutes, going to my classes... ect. to consider taking on someone else's marriage.

Another thing to consider is right now, in my humble opinion, telling the wife/girlfriend right now could have the affect of contact for your wife.

I think your best bet is what Sleepy said

quote:

Focus on your marriage.

My minds tells me to leave it along and work things out with my wife. My pride tell me to go have a talk with the other man. My mind tells me all the pain should not be centered around my family. This *edit* man has a 3 night roll in the hay with my wife she leaves than he goes back to being with his girlfriend like nothing is wrong. I don't think she has a clue to what he has done.

I really never cared about my pride and manhood because i was always secure in it but today I question all the above? My wife has taken me somewhere that i have never been before. I forgive her and want to work thing out but I did not think the road ahead was going to be this haed. it feel like I'm trying to walk up the side of a building.

I am reading other post hoping they help.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sleepy~SYMC,

Will, you really don't know what the OM is experiencing, feeling, dealing with. You are assuming. And you're devoting way too much time to thinking about him.

To quote Sleepy: Focus on your marriage.

Will, this may be obvious already but those feelings of pride are a lot of pain from all of this. I certainly had similar feelings. My very sore feelings wanted to find somewhere to put all that energy quickly.

Trouble is that those urgent feelings that want to be dealt with NOW, tend to be almost the exact opposite of what needs to happen to heal.

May I suggest the next time you feel your pride bubbling up to just sit with it for a minute or two and see if you can feel what is underneath it. Then maybe write some down or even just name what you feel. Try to go deeper than anger.

Some of the feelings I had were: scarred, hurt, sad, unloveable, unworthy, alone, and deeply betrayed.

I am working to rebuild my marriage. I have thousands of questions. I want answers and I want to feel loved. Last night I want to make love to my wife and it ended up just being sex.

I want her to tell me that she is back and ready to be my wife and not feel like she is on the other side of the world. In my heart I feel that she is in love with the other man and I need to see that she is not.

Prior to this clown coming into our lives life was ok, Tracie had told me things were getting better and she loved me. Days before she left for her weekend she started telling me she was not happy and spit out a few reasons for her unhappiness. Once she return she spit more reasons why she was not happy. Now that it is out in the open and she has told me she wants to work on the marriage with me, which part of the two stories am I to believe.

I am sitting here thinking about last weekend we were trying to plan to go out of town together to have some time. I suggest we go to Jacksonville FL which is about 4 hours from the house. She told me it was too far away, but just weeks prior she drove 6 hours to see another man. This was painful to me.

I asked my wife if I fell on her mind while she was visiting the other man and she told me no. I guess you should not ask a question you don't want the answer to, her answer crushed me.

I asked her why did she go see the OM and she told me she was selfish. She tells me she has feeling for him as a friend but friends don't sleep together. She force feed me SYMC and marriage builders concepts for years until I accepted them and today I am using it to try to deal with the hurt and pain.

How funny is this! I went to the bank and withdrew the money she used on her trip to see the other man. I even went to look for my GPS system to aid her during her trip. I feel like a jackass. I go the extra mile for my wife and it seems she falls short for me.

In the past, birthdays, holidays and those special days out of the year I go out and take care of her putting time into what I do to show love and respect. Looking back I really don't see that she did the same for me. After my EA I treated her like a queen and this is what I get in return.

She makes me feel like I am bothering her!
I feel used.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899,

Good morning Will.

I'm sensong a much different tone to you posts this morning. You need to ground yourself buddy. It's really important to your progress with Tracie.

Sex was probably a bad idea right now. I know how important that aspect of a relationship is to a man, it's how we show love for our spouses, but you need to wait until it can be fullfilling to both of you, until then it won't be to either and may have a large role in how you are feeling today.

Now, as a moderator of this forum - I need to ask you to edit out the name calling to OM. If you don't know how to edit - click on the little pencil eraser looking thingy in the bottom right of your posts. If you can;t figure it out just say so and myself or one of the other mods will clean it up.

Will someone please try to talk to him. HE has called OM at work on his cell and now e-mailing his girlfriend.

Tracie..

You do know that we do advocate exposure.
Though I will say we do that more in the case where there is still contact with the AP and that threat to the M still exists.

Wil... I will ask you if this was done because you are angry and want revenge. If so, remember there are consequences to any action. And sometimes they are not what you think will happen.

So..

I understand completely your upset and anger and frustration in your marriage. Right now both you and Tracie are in an extremely vulnerable state of mind.

NO ACTIONS SHOULD BE TAKEN when you are not grounded. When you are immersed in hurt and pain. That is usually a recipe for disaster.

Wil.. I know you have questions. I know you feel unloveable and disregarded. I know that must feel really, really awful.

if you don't mind, I'm going to work thru your post and give you some suggestions? ask a few questions?

quote:

I am working to rebuild my marriage. I have thousands of questions. I want answers and I want to feel loved. Last night I want to make love to my wife and it ended up just being sex.

You are both working to rebuild the marriage. I understand it may not feel that way right now. Both of you are hyper vigilant, hyper sensitive and hyper emotional. What you need and what she needs are two seperate issues right now and many times they seem to clash.

You need answers. She needs a little bit of space. You need the physicalness of her to make you feel like she still 'wants' you. She needs the emotional space to heal from her guilt.

Its like your recovery right now comes from opposite ends of the planet.

quote:

I want her to tell me that she is back and ready to be my wife and not feel like she is on the other side of the world. In my heart I feel that she is in love with the other man and I need to see that she is not.

I believe you both need to have some sort of structured plan in order to get to that place where you believe all those things you want. Its hard sometimes to differentiate between what is real and what you feel is real. Fear, uncertainty, lack of trust and the general panic that you are experiencing can wreak havoc with your thoughts.

So in order to reach the point where you trust she is in the marriage, you need to specify to her what it is you need for her to do. Transparancy is one of them. Being able to check on her whereabouts is another.

She, on the other hand, needs to know that you aren't going to pounce on her with questions 24/7.

I have suggested in the past a method to deal with that. If you are interested let me know and I'll lay it out for you.

quote:

Prior to [edit] coming into our lives life was ok, Tracie had told me things were getting better and she loved me. Days before she left for her weekend she started telling me she was not happy and spit out a few reasons for her unhappiness. Once she return she spit more reasons why she was not happy. Now that it is out in the open and she has told me she wants to work on the marriage with me, which part of the two stories am I to believe.

First as another moderator asked.. I am editing out in my copy here the namecalling. It is something we do not advocate here.. if you could go in and change that I would appreciate it. If you don't know how, I can gladly do it for you.

I would guess that Tracie's state of mind before she left was in turmoil. Anyone contemplating an affair is definitely NOT grounded and NOT in a good state of mind. My guess is she was very conflicted about herself and about the marriage.

What you believe is up to you. If she says she wants to stay in the marriage than it is up to her to prove that is so with concrete steps. And the same goes for you too. If you want to stay in the marriage then it is up to you to prove to her that it is so as well...with your own set of concrete steps.

quote:

In the past, birthdays, holidays and those special days out of the year I go out and take care of her putting time into what I do to show love and respect. Looking back I really don't see that she did the same for me. After my EA I treated her like a queen and this is what I get in return.

Wil... {sigh}.. many times when we are in pain we tend to rewrite history and only remember bad things. I would be willing to bet that Tracie could turn around and dispute the points here. That really doesn't matter at all.

What matters is that parts of your past need to be left in the past. Consider this a starting point in which to work forward. The past is dead. That marriage is dead. You have the opportunity, both of you, to form a completely new and fulfilling marriage. One that does not look like the old one.

If you are willing to look at how to get there, let us know and we'll help you as best we can.

You have to take the first step though and not do further damage on your end to the marriage. Tracie also has to not do further damage on her end.

Its either together or nowhere.
Whats it gonna be?

Loui

I need help. I have looked over the link that were sent to me. If you have anything further let me know. I am at a lost.

I did not email the girlfriend (Amy). I contacted Tracie while in route to pick up the information. I want to contact her to inform her about the affairs and for revenge.

I want him to feel the was I do right now!I feel like I have no control of my life. My self esteen has always been good but now my self esteen, pride, self worth and all the things i once like about me has been crushed.


Today she started talking about what she can't deal with and how this will not work. I have never gotten anything easy and never gave up after my EA but now she wants to run away. her running away is how all this mess got started.

Loui I have no problem with him exposing if I was still in contact with OM and/or refused to end the A. This was not a long term A. (not that that makes it hurt any less for him), But I have ended it and I am trying to rebuild my marriage. I feel as if I have to be this happy go luck person all the time or else dh automatically thinks I am thinking about OM. It's not true.

When he said I started talking about what I can't deal with, it was like this, this is the last thing we talked about before bed last night, the first thing we talked about this morning, he texted me about it at work all day, he was very nice and brought me lunch at work, I thought we could enjoy lunch together, we talked about it again. That's what I can't deal with. I know it's still new and fresh. I am hurting also, as much as dh, probably not, but I hurt.

Yes, my instinct is to run away. The hardest part is the things he needs from me to feel reassured are things I've never done. I am not a touchy feely, affectionate person. So it's hard. I understand it's all my fault. So, I need to deal with it.

So.. Wil...

One of the things about recovering from an A has everything to do with space and time.
A space and time to talk about the A. To ask questions and have them answers
A space and time to NOT talk about the A. To relax and enjoy each others company

That is where you both are right now. You are in turmoil and want everything to be answered for as soon as you think of it. She wants to not be barraged all day long.
You are insecure about where she is and are obsessing about what Tracie is thinking and wanting (or not wanting).
Tracie needs a little bit of space so she actually CAN think about what she wants (and not wants).

So first...let me ask you if you will agree to a couple of things first.

1. Do you agree that you will stop texting Tracie at all hours of the day with questions.
2. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to quietly and calmly ask the questions that you have
3. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to simply 'BE' with Tracie and enjoy each others company.
4. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to let Tracie just think alone...(and that may mean her coming here to symc to post her thoughts in a safe 'alone' space)

If you agree to all that I will help you set up a way in which you can do that. Does that sound fair and good to you?

I will post to Tracie some things she needs to agree to as well.

Loui

Tracie,

As I posted to Wil.. I'm posting to you some things for you to agree to.

1. Do you agree to answer all of Wil's questions at the set down agreed time of day.
2. Do you agree to calmly answer any texts that Wil may send you with a calm reminder that you will answer his question at the agreed time of day.
3. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to simply 'BE' with Will to enjoy each other's company.
4. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to reassure Wil that you love him and want to work on your marriage.

Does that sound fair & good to you?
If so.. we can go onto the next step.

{{{{HUGE HUGS to you both}}}}

Loui