Okay I agree with all of this! What is space? Normally space means I don't want to be with a person any more. My father need space when I was growing up. He would not come home on payday and spend the weekend out partying or he would just disappear for months at a time. The last time he disappeared i was in hight school, my family got evicted from our home and my mother went and lived in a shelter for 2 months. I becaome very bitter during this time and lost respect for my father. This is how I see space. It took alot for me to agree allow(lack of a better word) Tracie to take that weekend for her to have some space. I had to deal with a great deal of bad memories over her time away. I was hurting over the weekend and been hurting since. I saw myself as that kids who father kept walking out on the family. During my EA I saw myself becoming my father that is why I complied with all Tracie's request of me. I don't want to be him I want my kids to have a happy childhood.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: will1899,

Will,

I'm an introvert. Space, for me, means a little time to myself. Unfortunately, the need is sometimes so strong that it leads me to doing somewhat irresponsible things, such as staying up all night reading a book.

These things are fairly benign, although I could certainly choose to do more damaging things. Also, the degree of irresponsibility can, over time, degrade my relationships.

It's better if I can get my space in small quantities, which, if you two are hanging through this tough time together, both of you will probably need.

You mentioned taking up some other hobbies and not focusing quite so much on your family. Well, I think that's a great idea, as long as you handle those things responsibly. This will allow you time to yourself or creating other important relationships, and give Tracie the opportunity to do the same.

Regina

quote:

Originally posted by LouiEJ*SYMC:
Tracie,

As I posted to Wil.. I'm posting to you some things for you to agree to.

1. Do you agree to answer all of Wil's questions at the set down agreed time of day.
2. Do you agree to calmly answer any texts that Wil may send you with a calm reminder that you will answer his question at the agreed time of day.
3. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to simply 'BE' with Will to enjoy each other's company.
4. Do you agree to set aside some time each day to reassure Wil that you love him and want to work on your marriage.

Does that sound fair & good to you?
If so.. we can go onto the next step.

{{{{HUGE HUGS to you both}}}}

Loui

I can do that. I have no problem with it. Although, I would like to know from him what reassuring him that I love him and want to work on the marriage looks like to him. I believe it looks different to me and thats ok, I just don't want to be doing one thing if it's not giving him the reassurance that he needs.

He asked what does space mean. To give you an example, last night when we were sittin on the couch next to each other and I was reading, that was actually space for me. It was peaceful. It was quiet. In my mind I thought it was working well for both of us. I was there with you, but I was able to relax and read. Right now, space does not mean literally away from you, I understand and respect that space is a sensitive topic for you. Now, of course, I may go get my pedicure, nails done etc. but that's it. I may even go lay in the room and read, but that's it.

Only Tracie can tell you what "space" means to her.

quote:

He asked what does space mean. To give you an example, last night when we were sittin on the couch next to each other and I was reading, that was actually space for me. It was peaceful.

And there it is.

Tracie and I have the same definition. I rarely.....actually I never feel a desire to be away from my wife but I do like the freedom to do the things I like. Let me be me and if she wants to join me it's still space to me.

So..... you're both here, you're both posting, and there's a whole lot of emotions.

Various people have given you various guidelines. Some of them conflict. Some of them don't.

What I don't see is anything either of you has done to actually calm your own selves down. Without that, it might as well be dad going out and partying on payday and whatever Tracie's worst fears from her childhood are.

So. What the heck are you guys doing to calm and ground and comfort yourselves?

You can continue to do the drama and chaos and hysterics and rage thing, absolutely. It'll just turn up the heat on you, put more pressure on you to learn and grow. I'm just suggesting that it might be a good idea to sit and calmly listen to yourselves for a while.

And I am also going to suggest that that is the only "space" either of you really needs.

quote:

Originally posted by Just J_SYMC:
So..... you're both here, you're both posting, and there's a whole lot of emotions.

Various people have given you various guidelines. Some of them conflict. Some of them don't.

What I don't see is anything either of you has done to actually calm your own selves down. Without that, it might as well be dad going out and partying on payday and whatever Tracie's worst fears from her childhood are.

So. What the heck are you guys doing to calm and ground and comfort yourselves?

You can continue to do the drama and chaos and hysterics and rage thing, absolutely. It'll just turn up the heat on you, put more pressure on you to learn and grow. I'm just suggesting that it might be a good idea to sit and calmly listen to yourselves for a while.

And I am also going to suggest that that is the only "space" either of you really needs.

Sorry about all the drama and chaos. I was under the impression that an affairs causes all the emotions you are talking about.

I really can't just sit and think. Yesterday, when I saw myself out of control I did come home and taken a nap. When I got up I felt much better, just concerned about slipping into depression.

Last night I only asked two questions of my wife dealing with the OM. I am doing better! I will have some good days and some bad! I've complete a great deal of the reading around the site and I've some of it confusing, however I am not in the right frame of mind to process anything.

I plan on finding a great deal of me time during next week to help get deal with somethings that area going on in my head.

Thank you for all the help you have and will give us!

I hope that things can slow down over the weekend that I can read over the links given to me once more. I also need to take time to complete some school work.

quote:

Sorry about all the drama and chaos. I was under the impression that an affairs causes all the emotions you are talking about.

They're normal, absolutely. That doesn't make them useful, helpful, or easy to deal with, though.

A nap seems like a great idea. Good way of taking care of yourself and getting your body to "reset."

What happens when you take 30 seconds and just breathe in and out? Really. Try it. Right now, here, right where you are. Three breaths is all you really need.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

If you want, you can visualize all the drama and chaos coming in -- and then you sending out compassion and kindness in its place.

Wil..

J is giving you some great advice about self soothiing and comfort. About grounding yourself BEFORE you get yourself into a tizzy about all the things that feel like they are out of your control.

I'm going to suggest that for a little while.. maybe the both of you keep seperate threads to help each of you individually deal with how to do this.

We can create a new thread for the two of you to talk here if you feel that would be helpful or necessary. But I believe that each of you also needs a seperate space to process your own recovery.

How does that sound?

As for 'space' issue... I did not mean space 'away' as in gone from you. I meant space such as in what Tracie mentioned. Alone time in the house.. togther. Quiet time where there is no speaking or arguing or stressing.

I would like to suggest to the two of you a safer way of talking about these questions and emotions that you are going thru as well.

Let me post it here to you.. and I will post it to Tracie as well... if you are starting with a counselor also I would suggest that you let him/her know that this strategy for talking has been suggested to you and see if it meets their approval.

here are the guidelines:

Any questions you have concerning the A or Tracie's feelings during the day. Write them down. Keep a journal. Take it with you where ever you go. When your head starts to spin.. write. Sometimes just the act of writing is soothing and an outlet for the anxiety.

I'd like you and Tracie to sit down for 1/2 hr each day and schedule a time to talk about the A. To talk about your feelings and your plans for your marriage to survive. Keep in mind the things you need in order to feel trust again. To feel safe. Write those in your journal when it comes to you as well.

During that 1/2 hr. Take 10 mins, each has a turn. One of you talks and the other listens. The listener CANNOT interrupt. CANNOT interject or object. You just.... listen. Then the other person takes a turn talking and listening.

After that.. the last 10 mins...
every day one of you alternates a turn to ask questions and have them answered. If you don't get thru all the questions you've written, just check off the ones you did and hold onto the rest for your next turn.

Now the physical guidelines:
1. You set a timer for each 10 min period
2. You sit either next to each other or facing each other
3. You hold hands during the talking and listening part. If possible during the question and answer period. If you let go.. remember to go back to holding hands

Now.. the other guideline..the most difficult one.

If you find yourselves starting to talk about the A or fighting about it or even stressing...you MUST both take a break. Even if it is a 2 minute break.. and do those self soothing exercises that J is talking about.
Go in a seperate room. Or just breathe slowly in and out. Find something to think about that is calming.

Then write those things in the journal and bring them up at your next 1/2 hr session with each other.

What this does is create some safe time that you both aren't walking around on eggshells wondering about each others feelings, wondering when the next question is coming.

It gives you both the 'space' to begin to live a bit more normally and not so hypervigilant.

Does this sound like something you'd like to do?

Loui