We have marriage counseling scheduled on Fridays. Today happens to be an off day due to the counselor's schedule, but looking ahead, what are your thoughts on counseling if I'm still in PP?

This is the followup note I received (with names edited) after receiving one that indicated she was ready for NC. I have not responded. I'm pretty sure this indicates that the fog is still very thick. I guess I need some more reassurance I'm doing the right thing.

"I want to be on good, loving terms with you so very much. But I want to have **** (OM) as a friend also. You say that this is not possible. I think it is possible, or I wouldn't keep trying to maintain that it is. I do not plan to hook up with him as a partner. I never will. It's just too risky. Plus, we don't see relationships the same way. And I'm starting to think that I don't think of relationships the same as you either. I don't want to divorce, but I do want space. I can live alone if you like, but I'd rather we could be together. I suspect that these terms are unacceptable to you, so I hesitate to bring it up, for fear that you will become angry again. Please don't repeat again to me all the same theories. I am not able to buy into them. That's not where I'm at. Despite what you think, I am currently NOT brainwashed, nor do I wish to be. I want to rekindle with the old, easy-going, fun-loving husband. Not the tense, jealous, panicky husband. You scare me. When you dash off to your parents and refuse to discuss the issue, based on your reading of that confounded white-slavery After-the-Affair book, you make me hesitate to reach out. That book frightened me incredibly. And made me angry. It empowered you to make ultimatums for my behavior. I am too stuborn an individual to submit to that. I don't want to re-enter a relationship with you when you are so convinced that you are right and I am wrong. That is completely intolerant. And my reaction to your intolerance is that I think I may still need some time on my own to develop/rethink my opinion and perhaps you do too."

dsmusic
I just want to offer you yet another supportive hand. You are doing the right thing and yes, she does sound very fog-bound still. I think comparing the after-the-affair book to white slavery really demonstrates that! My goodness.

I will leave the answers to your very important questions for others more skilled than me to answer.

I will say thought, that I absolutely believe you are on the right course!! Keep taking care of yourself. That's the best medicine right now.

quote:

I do not plan to hook up with him as a partner. I never will. It's just too risky. Plus, we don't see relationships the same way.

This line can be interpreted alot of ways but I read it as I would hook up with him if if weren't risky. And the other line...if he wanted a relationship and not a booty call I would hook up with him!!!

What you are asking her is really simple...drop the guy you are friends with because he screwed you and is a threat to your marriage. The way you have been acting with him suggests that you still are very emotionially attached too him.

I wonder if roles were reversed how she would handle women who you had an affair with, but stopped it, continue to be friends with, hide your relationship with, and still have a emotional attachment too.

My first thought is to stop reading her e-mails to you. You can spend all day trying to interpret them, but in the end it's all about negotiating to keep both you and her affair partner in her life. There is even some veiled references that you are the cause of the problem...HA! The reference to white slavery has a flair for the dramatic, but asking her to end her affair isn't slavery.

You've sent your letter and stated that her relationship with OM is too hurtful for you to bear. Has that changed?

If not.....delete and stay out of touch. Stop taking her calls and e-mails.

She's testing you....twisting and manipulating....trying to keep you in contact.

You are doing the right thing by separating for now.

And I would encourage you to take this conversation into the Protection board where it is safer.

Hang in there. Stay frosty.
GS

quote:

Originally posted by dsmusic:
We have marriage counseling scheduled on Fridays. Today happens to be an off day due to the counselor's schedule, but looking ahead, what are your thoughts on counseling if I'm still in PP?

I'm not an expert either, but if she is still in contact with her affair partner, she isn't committed to recovery of your marriage.

And if she isn't whole-heartedly committed to recovery...then marriage counseling will be a complete waste of time. Just one more chance to hear her tell you why she wants to keep OM in her life.

This is the hill you are fighting for, yes? This one issue - contact with affair partner - is a deal breaker. It's a fair request if your marriage has any chance to heal.

And yes, it will be EXTREMELY hard for her if she makes that NC commitment. So, it's time for some hard thinking as she says.

No better way to think than to have peace and quiet.