my last topic is under "Affair not over" (Affai no over) bad spelling that night.

I did the protection letter yesterday and got the response I hoped for today. We have talked on the phone since her reply and I believe she is willing and committed to working on us. We have discussed that honesty will be the one thing that will make or break us.
She moved several weeks ago and is 2 hours from OM and about 9 hours from me, she offered to come to me tomarrow but I'm wondering if I shouldnt go to her. I feel we need to discuss things in person and if all goes well we need to move her back.
Who should go to who and when should we consider move?

Hi Bill,
I hope this works out the way you want. Be very, very careful about letting her come back into your life though.

Maybe think not "how do we do this and get back together?"...but rather "what do I (Bill) need in a relationship to feel safe...to feel that she is truly committed to me and not OM?"

Cuz that isn't about where you live. It isn't about sharing finances or carpooling or forwarding the mail to a new address.

Take your time. And maybe instead of moving, look to her and ask, "what are you ready to do to repair our marriage?" "How will things be different?" "What steps will you take to remove OM from your life?" "What will you do to ensure transparency?" "Will you send No Contact letter to him?"

...and then watch her actions. Let her take the reigns to prove to you her sincerity and that she really is ready to do some hard work ahead.

...and I would hold off on moving. Go slow. Take some breaths and think about what you need in a relationship to feel safe again.

Hope that helps get you started in your thinking.

Good luck!
GS

Bill,

You sound really excited. I'm happy for you.

Would you mind posting what you put in your PP letter? I'm curious what boundaries you set.

What sort of accountability would you like to have? What sort of accountability of yourself are you offering?

I think this is a great opportunity but don't rush too fast.

HoFS

Dear -----

I want you to be perfectly clear on where I stand.

I love you. When I married you it was for life & I meant it. I still want to be together and I still want to be married to you, you are and always will be a part of me that I do not want to live with out. I am willing and committed to doing whatever it takes to heal our marriage and to create a life that brings us joy, happiness and everything we desire.

Your relationship with ------- is so painful for me that it is destroying the love I have for you. It has broken our family and the foundation of our marriage. You know how I can how I can get totally absorbed into something and for the last few years it has been us. So in order for me to protect myself from futher misery I must end all contact with you.
I will no longer be the ex husband or the other men that keeps holding on to hope and hanging on to your words with no action. I want you to be happy and if ------ is what you want then please let me go.

If you tell me your relationship is over with ----- and you are willing to end all contact with him I would love to talk about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact.

A relationship is built from honesty and trustwortiness and this truly hurts me but I cannot continue on like we have.

Love,
Bill

You see the protection letter I sent, she replied she will do whatever it takes. It feels strange in some way, i dont know if it's because we will have some hard times ahead or what. We have talked and she seems to be open and honest but I know she hasnt ended conversation with OM. We talked 2 times yesterday and the first time I ask about ending contact with him and she said she will call him today, I said know lets do a letter together but we didnt have time on that call and the second call we didnt make time because we talked about other things. She did talk to him between our conversations and she told him my protection letter so she says he knows it is coming.

G S - you say to take it slow but after seeing the protection letter I am curious of how you think I should proceed?


B

Bill,

If you stick to the boundaries in your letter, you should have no contact with your ex until she ends contact with the OM. Talking with the OM is not ending contact. What sort of accountability will you need to help you know if she is maintaining no contact?

HoFS

I told her I wanted to do a NC letter together. Should I let her type one up and send to me to review and when satisfied have her send to me and him? Should I send a following email to OM stating what I expect?
I would expect openess to pnone records, phone, computor, travel or anything else I can think of.


B

You are divorced, correct? I think everything about proof, transparency, accountability and sending NC letter rests with her.

And HoFS is right - if she's in contact with OM, it really hasn't met your primary boundary of NC.

You see, as you've witnessed over the last couple years, it's very difficult for affair partners to truly establish No Contact. Withdrawls from contact are very painful.

And that's kind of where I'm coming from in taking it slow. Let her prove to you she is ready...and let her get through this difficult period of time.

Protection is about you. And the most difficult thing you will witness is her waffling between you and her affair partner. So, please stay out of the chaos if you can, until NC is truly in place and she's has provided solid actions OVER TIME that she is ready to commit.

Make sense?

TROUBLED!!!

Ex and I just ended a phone conversation that was supposed to let us decide on a plan of action.
She had apt. with her councilor today and she sharred it with me, I agree on several things but her councilor told her that she shouldnt give me all the details I want. That I know what happend and I should not live in the past but look to the future. I agree but I dont feel I have the answers to, to many things. I am justifying this as a betrayed spouse who found out a month ago the last year or longer was filled with deception. So I may be guilty of to much suspicion and assuming to many things. Maybe I am not being fair to her and /or maybe I just cant past the lies, I dont know.
She admit's the A was wrong but holds on to the issue that we had grown apart and she was not getting attention at home, I agree and I wish I would have done several things differently but it does not jusify what she did. I understand that I need to be considerate of of the guilt and shame she is dealing with but should I not stay focused on me? I am the one who was cheated on and didnt trust my gut instinct for the past 12-18 months.

I feel I am making a stand that say's this is what I need for us to have a chance to move forward and I will not bend for anything less.
Am I be unfair, inconsiderate or to demanding???



B

quote:

I feel I am making a stand that say's this is what I need for us to have a chance to move forward and I will not bend for anything less.Am I be unfair, inconsiderate or to demanding???

It's not her counselors place to decide what YOU need to move forward. You have every right to know exactly the damage you are healing from.

Don't trust a counselor, just because they are a counselor. The world is full of very poor counselors...and many wayward spouses choose counselors that agree with their point of view.

And don't trust that counselor got the correct story from your wife, and don't trust your wife's interpretation of the counselor's opinion.

Trust you. Trust your judgement about what you need.

Sharing all the details is important for you, but a bit down the list. Start with No Contact and transparency...getting through withdrawls. Has she agreed to the boundaries in your letter?

Yes she agreed and we talked a few times but as we would get deeper into the issues it would take a turn south after she talked to counselor.
I sent a second email attached to the first NC email stating I would except nothing less.
She sent a short text a few days later and I caved and called her. We talked for several hours and she said she has the email typed and ready to send to OM but was waiting a few days like her counselor suggested she should have done when she replyed to my first email.

This was labor day weekend and a lake trip was planned at OM boat/dock with several peopleI ask if she went and she said yes on Sunday and didnt stay over. I said I am glad you were not alone but I dont like that you went there.

I am questioning if it can work out or if I even want it to anymore. I am starting to get more angry and less carring with the situation than I have been. Dont get me wrong I have been angry, hurt, sorry etc. but my focus has been on if we could survive the A and now I am starting to think or relize that she may not be willing to give him up.
It seems like she has two poker hands and doesnt want to fold one untill she see's if the other one will win. I dont think she is purposefully leading me on but it seems like she wants to know how tough its gona be or maybe try and resolve most issues before she leaves OM.


Are these familair signs in this situation? Am I blind to the fact that we probably wont get back together?



B

quote:

I am starting to get more angry and less carring with the situation than I have been.

Bill, you really need to take GS' advise and get yourself (back) into PP until she breaks contact with OM...and not for a hour or a day or even a week. She needs to maintain it for a long time. She needs to get HERSELF out of the situation she is in ans single and stable again before you even consider trying again.

You need to put the ball in her court. She needs to do the very hard work of rebuilding herself before she comes home.

What you're seeing is that she can infact NOT end contact. Don't walk.....RUN into PP.

I dont if my problem is that I cant let go or if there is still a chance?????

When we talk I still feel the passion on both sides, so it has me hanging on to the chance of possibility but when I read the these post that tell me I back away I question if I am would missing an oportunity.

let me know if you see enough signs that it will not work out or is it just a matter of time(if i can last that long)


B

I recieved a copy of the NC letter my ex has for OM. It is hard to read because it reminds me of how attached she is to him. She say the important things like "she has made a decision to try to work her relationship out with me" and she will "need to totally cut off communication with him" but reading the other parts are kinda hard like "I hope you will understand" and "i know you have heard this before and I appreciated how you have been there for me" and "This time will have to be different"

I dont know if I have been so caught up in the chase or if I will find out that I have more resentment that I cant let go of that I will damage the chance.
I would like to try and see what happens but I dont want to be unfair to her.

Are these common feelings and we might get past them with time or are these signs that I cant get past the issues and I just havent let go????



B

Hi Bill, Nobody here is saying mending your marriage can't/won't work. What IS being said is that it has the best chance if you choose the right road to get there.