I need your help, I confronted my wife tonight of 3 1/2 years about an affair she had about 6 months ago she says it has ended when he moved 6 hours away to a new job, but what got me to this point was I found love note he had sent to her as recent as 2 months ago and love letters and an explicit story of one of there encounters my wife had written. I found your web site in my darkest hour last night,THANK YOU!!!! I used the techniques on how to handle confronting her and I know it helped me gain some control of the emotions I was feeling. What I need to know is my wife thinks we should separate for a while and I do not want to go down this road. I know she loves me and do believe she is sorry. I know I have to get over it so we can move on but is separating the best option? Also how can I help her forgive herself? When I talked with her tonight she blamed herself for everything and could not understand how I could love her so much, I told her that there is a reason this happened, that there was problems in our marriage before this happened for her to end up having an affair. Also do you think marriage counseling is our best option? What I'm afraid of is we separate and only talk through a marriage counselor it will be to easy for her to that to think this is too tough and walk, I just don't want lose her!!

Fightin4Her-

Welcome. I am sorry to read about your experiences but do know that your marriage can recover.

I encourage you to read some more articles about steps to recovery and other actions necessary to repair the marriage. These are found at:
http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/pages/2/index.htm

Sounds like you did a good job talking with you wife. Getting control of your emotions is good. Your emotions are very raw right now and they can deceive you.

I do not believe it will help your marriage at this point if your W moves out. However, you can't stop her. What you can do is talk about options and plans for recovery. One of those steps to for her to write a no-contact letter to the former lover. If you need more advice about writing this after you've read some of the SYMC articles, post what you've started back here and we'll give you some advice.

Right now you guys need honesty, good communication and time together. Time together is really cruical. Start practicing your negotiation skills. Start practicing using the 'feeling' words.

I have my own personal opinions and experiences with the traditional marriage counselors and they are not necessarily favorable. Look over the coaching vs. therapy articles on this website. Sounds like you need someone to help guide you through recovery and to act as an advocate for your marriage, not someone that is going to analyze and take apart the past.

Do check back in frequently. Expect a roller coaster ride for a bit. I'm confident you can find the help you need here. Don't be afraid to encourage your W to also register and post here. She will also find the support she needs here and respect.

HoFS

Thanks HoFS
I've been reading that web site the last couple of day (didn't sleep much when I found out) I also sent a letter yesterday to the XL the stattement from the website and sent his wife the letters I found with a letter telling her I'm sorry to have to send this to her but that she also needed to know what was going on. My wife asked me if I would not talk to her XL, I told her that I had sent a letter to him but I did not tell her about the letter I sent to XLW. Do you think I should? Do you think I should show my wife what I sent to XL?

F4H-

I understand the sleep deprevation. Have you tried the infidelity/discovery diet as well? I'm joking but I know it's real. Take care of yourself.

Ok, at SYMC we talk about 'transparent' honesty and how important that is to saving marriages and restoring love. If you expect your W to be honest with you, you must show the same respect. In fact, even if she is not honest with you, you must still show respect and be honest. Yes, I think it is best that you to tell your W about the letters you mailed.

You can send the OM all the letters you want, but that won't do much for your marriage. In fact, it could drive your W into a protective mode. She needs to send him a letter that states she wants to save the marriage and to do she must never have contact with OM again. There are other guidelines on this site to follow. Remember though, don't force your W to do this. No, don't go into teacher mode too fast. You can respectfully discuss what you need to feel better and offer to provide guidance (like direct her to the SYMC web site) on how to write a concise and effective NC letter.

HoFS

HoFS
I will sit down with W tonight after she is home from work and tell her about both letters, but afraid she will call him and try stop the OMW from getting it, I do belive OMW needs to know. Also on web site it suggests I tell the first 3 people who I don't want to tell, which would be her parents, my parent,and her older brother. Should I give us more time before taking that step or is it best to do right away? We both have people we have talked to, myself it is my older brother whom I know I can trust to keep it between us. My wife has a very close friend that she talked to last night which also a god friend of mine, I call WF to say that I did not want her to tell me anything about there talk last night and I was glad she was their for her, but I also know WF had an affair about 2 yrs ago and her husband does know about it and they worked through it but he does not know all of the details{i.e. who with, which was another friend in our group) I don't know if I should talk to WF husband about how he got through it or if it would be a bad idea.
thanks again

F4H-

Good questions. Please keep the discussion with your W pleasant and respectful. If you can't do that, stop and take a break and ask to resume another time.

Do not contact your W's friend. She is just that, your W's friend, not yours. I did that and it blew up in my face.

Yes, unfortunately, your attempt to communicate your intentions with OM and OMW could cause your W to move into a protection mode. But you know what, it's your marriage you've got to worry about, not OM and OMW. What's done is done. You guys never need to know what happens to them again. That being said, please remember, it will likely take your W a long time to get over OM.

Focus on what's needed now for recovery. From what you've said, I'm not so sure you really need to expose the OM to friends and family at this time. Talk about what is important to you, trust, honesty, accountability, etc. At this point, it sounds like a No Contact letter is still very important. You need to see this letter and probably must be able to drop it in the mail to OM.

What friends and family need to know is that you guys need support right now. They supported you when you said your wedding vows, now they need to be there to support your marriage. It would be important to convey these sorts of things to your friends. If the relationship with OM starts up again, then full exposure is called for.

Check back in later.

HoFS

Disclaimer: don't underestimate the value of using a professional marriage coach to help guide you through marital recovery.

Well had a talk with my wife when she came home, told her about both letters that went ok but when I tried to talk to her about what I need to know about the affair (when first started, last meeting, If conferences where B.S., if ever in our home, if trips to visit friends where B.S.,) she said she would not answer any of my questions and maybe I shouldn't have asked them, I feel I need to know ˜cuz right know I imagine the worse, my head knows better but the heart doesn't. I also asked her to send a No Contact letter
to OM, but things broke down and she would not talk anymore. Also she was upset that I left her a voice mail telling her I love her and that I hoped she was doing ok. I love my wife and want to let her know that I love her, I almost sent flowers but thought I better not. How can I show affection without her thinking I'm pushing to hard. I know part of my problem is I had surgery a month ago from a fall I took at work (broken wrist & shoulder) and am at home all day stewing,( I do get out & bout, but Not back to work) it's the reason I started snooping and found those terrible letters. I know she needs to be able to function, she works very hard as Social worker and is going to school for her masters. I know my wife well enough to know if I push too hard she'll only push back harder. It feels hopeless

Had a good cry & talk with wife , I feel hope

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Originally posted by Fightin4Her:
Had a good cry & talk with wife , I feel hope

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I'm happy to read this F4H. You're right not to push. You are not to be the teacher. You can tell your wife how you feel and what you need to feel better. No demands. Don't focus on her. Focus on you. You should be gentle and respectful to her. Don't smother. Right now, she doesn't need flowers, fancy gifts or lingre. You do need to learn what was missing from the marriage or what was there that pushed her away. You can respectfully ask her for those things. One way to do that is to sit down together and go throught the quetions at the end of the chapters in Harley's HisNeedsHerNeeds book.

I understand your desire to get all the details. I was there too. But, you also need to move forward. Trying to drag the details out of my WW was the wrong approach. Eventually, when your wife feels safe, these things may come out. Honesty and communication are crucial to recovery but these memories are just as painful for her right now as your need to know them.

Sorry to read about your accident. I hope you're well on your way to recovery and returning to work. Your wife sounds pretty amazing with the commitments she has to her job and education. Do try to work out schedules so you guys can spend time together. She's busy so I hope you are able to help out with work around the house and fixing meals.

Try to learn what was missing from your wife's live F4H. If you're home, watch Oprah. Watch AND listen to how she talks with guests. Listen to how she can help them talk. And, if nothing else, maybe you'll also pick up some topic that you and your wife can talk about. Make yourself attractive to your wife. Believe it or not, experience shows that men in your situation can make or break recovery. How big are your shoulders?

Good luck.

HoFS

Hi F4H,

Let me add my welcome to those previously posted. Like others, I am sorry your circumstances brought you here, but rest assured you will find strength, hope and support on this board.

Now, something I may have overlooked in reading your story, but (I'm sorry, I have to ask) are you sure the affair is over? I recall reading that you found something that indicated contact "as recent as 2 months ago." But are you certain that was the last contact?

What concerns me is your wife saying she wanted to separate. Unfortunately, what that often means is that the wayward spouse is looking for a way to have total freedom to see their affair partner. It happened in my case, a number of times. The WS will tell you they want time to "find themselves," to be alone, to read, to concentrate on healing, etc. Just be aware that this may be a sign. I am not saying it definitely is in your case, but just be cautious.

Now let me add my comment about asking your wife about the details. I share your need to know. However, I don't think that right after discovery or confrontation is the correct time to ask for the details. This is the time that, assuming the WS has given up contact, he or she is most vulnerable about relapsing. If you push for details, what does that do? It stirs memories. Memories that make the WS wonder if working on the marriage is the right thing, or...gee, maybe things really WERE better with the affair partner.

On the other hand, if you allow your wife to end the relationship, go through the withdrawal process, and be somewhat more positively focused on your marriage, the time will arrive when it is "safer" to ask those questions. This will be the time when remembering those things won't trigger positive memories for her and she will be, hopefully, more open to answering your questions.

The best of luck to you F4H. Keep posting. We are here for you.

This a letter I have written for my wife to read, I was going to give it to her in a sealed enveople and tell her that these are the questions I need answers to to heal but do not want her to read them or give me any answers until she feels she can give me the truth.
Do you think there is better way to bring these questions up than this with out being to pushy?

Questions I will only ask once, but are the questions I need answered to heal

#1 When affair first started

#2 Last meeting of the affair

#3 Where you ever together in our home

#4 Which of these needs are not being meet by me
Affection
Conversation
Honesty & Openness
Financial Support
Family Comment
Attraction
Domestic Support
Admiration
Recreational Companionship
Sexual Fulfillment

#5 How do I show my love for you

#6 Can you promise me you'll never have contact with OM again & If he contacts you, you will tell me

W, I've done a lot of soul searching and know that I can change to fulfill your needs, your wants & your dreams. I love you so very much and want to have babies with you & grow old in each others arms. I love you W and believe we can have a marriage & a love that's stronger than it has ever been.
F4H

quote:

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I was going to give it to her in a sealed enveople and tell her that these are the questions I need answers to to heal but do not want her to read them or give me any answers until she feels she can give me the truth.

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Why start making these demands for knowledge and information now? It seems to me that the first thing we need to determine is if the affair is indeed over. If it is indeed over, then you need to create a place where she feels safe. These questions, particularly in writing, at this point in the transition, will not make her feel safe at all.

I understand youur need to know. But it is extremely important that the timing on this be appropriate. The last thing you want is to drive her away.

quote:

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Do you think there is better way to bring these questions up than this with out being to pushy?

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When the timing is right, here are my comments:

quote:

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#1 When affair first started

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OK, a valid question. You need to know the length of the affair.

quote:

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#2 Last meeting of the affair

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This is the only question that I think you should ask NOW. You need to know if she and he are still in contact. I would be careful about wording. Just ask when they were last in contact - of any kind.

quote:

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#3 Where you ever together in our home

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Now, F4H, what will this information gain you, other than more pain?

quote:

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#4 Which of these needs are not being meet by me
Affection
Conversation
Honesty & Openness
Financial Support
Family Comment
Attraction
Domestic Support
Admiration
Recreational Companionship
Sexual Fulfillment

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She probably would not be able to answer these questions, not posed like this. Rather, read His Needs/Her Needs and take the tests for Emotional Needs - each of you needs to do this.

quote:

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##5 How do I show my love for you

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Again, she probably is incapable of answering this. But filling in the Emotional Needs questionnaires will give you some direction.

quote:

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##6 Can you promise me you'll never have contact with OM again & If he contacts you, you will tell me

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First let's determine that there is no contact presently. Then, if needed, ask her to send a no contact letter.


Baby steps, F4H, but they have to be taken in the right sequence.

just went and bought His Needs/Her Needs reading it tonight

F4H-

I'm really glad to see you're not logged in and on here this time of evening. I'm hoping you're spending the time with your wife.

I really like the things Sharon had to say about your ideas for a letter. Some of your thoughts are just too much too soon.

You need to re-read in particular #6. This is a demand. Sounds bad. You are forcing something here. Rather, you need to let her know that the only chance the marriage has for recovery is to know that there is no contact and the first step is a letter to that effect to OM from your wife.

As far as informatin about the 'details', I'm sure your wife is afraid of two things: 1) dredging up the memories and 2) fear of your reaction. No matter how much you reassure her, she's got to be afraid of telling you if their affair extended to your house, your bed. If she answered "Yes" to these questions, what would you do? What would you say?

Yes, you and your W have homework to do but don't be too pushy about it. The Harley books can be a great resource but don't push them on her. Let her know what they've meant to you in helping you understand what she's been through and your contributions to the marital problems. Also, something about the hope for a healthy and happy marriage possible if the concepts are followed.

Don't put all of the focus on your wife. Some of the focus needs to be on you. See where you need to make changes. Chances are, you won't have to tell her you are making changes A, B, C, etc. She'll see the changes.

Oh, and one more thing about the EN. She's not going to know what the heck you are talking about in most of the cases. She's not going to know what her top needs are without a lot of thought. But if she reads the concepts, she start to thinking about it and start being able to put them in terms that relate to who she is.

HoFS

Hofs
Sorry to say I am logged on, my wife is school this weekend (talk about bad timing) I've talk to her on the phone, I did not ask any questions just told her what I did today and that I love her and that I talked to Penny today on the phone. I know my greatest challange is patience, to let her come to me, not to force & I'm stuggling with it. I'm going to redo my questions after I read the book. Also do you know where I can find a NoContactletter on the web site?
F4H

quote:

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Originally posted by Fightin4Her:
Hofs
.....Also do you know where I can find a NoContactletter on the web site?
F4H

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F4H-

There is a sample letter on the Infidelity board, right at the top, that Tak posted. You might be surprised how simple, short, and to the point the letter is.

Also, I highly encourage you to print off and read this article on recovery,
http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/images/Recovery_A_Story_art..doc

It describes many of the same things that I've been posting to you. It also mentions the points that need to be covered in the no contact letter. This article will be a very good guide for you. I'm glad to read you've also spoken with Penny. Nothing like going to the top!

HoFS

THis will be my last entery for awhile, I read the book HerNeeds/His Needs and can it truly changed my life, I unstand how my wife could end up in affair because I failed to meet her needs. I also rrelized how close I had come to having an affair myself. We are going to seek counseling still and we know we are not out of woods yet but have taken a HUGE step in the right direction
F4H

Woo-hooo!

I'm glad things are looking up F4H. Isn't it amazing to read about the experiences of so many other people and to learn from that research? This stuff really makes sense even though it goes against our natural instincts. What you are learning is clearly very powerful stuff. Hopefully you'll have superpowers very soon that will help you repair your marriage!

You know where to find us if you need any more tips or fine tuning of your plan.

HoFS