I discovered that my wife has cheated on me with 2 different men and was going to cheat on me with a third. She came from a somewhat promiscuous past, but I was confident that she would be faithful to me in our marriage. I confronted her on the issues of the cheating and the fact that she has said that she no longer loves me and is no longer attracted to me. After a fair amount of arguing and a lot of rational discussion, we have made the decision to get help from counselors, individually and together. She does sincerely seem as though she wants to work things out.

The problem that I am having is that I am still madly in love with her. It has only been a few days since I found out about her infidelity, but when I look at her I still see the woman I fell in love with. I feel as though I should be filled with anger and disgust towards her for what she has done to me, but I am not. I am hurt and I spend a lot of time thinking about her cheating on me and "not being in love" with me any more. The pain that I feel is beyond what I ever could have imagined, but for some reason, I still want her in my life - I still need her in my life. She still tells me that she loves me and we are sleeping in the same bed and doing all the same sorts of things we did before I found all of this out, but should we not be? I do not know how to proceed. I don't know how to act around her.

I guess what I want to know most is if there really is a way for her to ever fall back in love with me and for her to be sexually attracted to me again. If she has not been sexually attracted to me for quite some time, is there any way for her to feel that way again? Not to sound conceited, but I am not unattractive, neither is she. Is there any way that counseling can help us in this regard? I am worried that if/when we do decide to have sex again, that maybe I will then be hit by a feeling of disgust and it will cause us even more problems. Is it really possible for her to regain feelings of being sexually attracted to me when she has admitted that she has not been attracted to me for quite some time?

I know that she and I both have problems to work on and hopefully the counseling that we are seeking will help. I just really need for her to find the feelings that she once felt for me again. I am really confused and I am in need of help in figuring out how to proceed.

Thanks in advance for any and all help I may receive here.

Welcome Nick. Sorry about the circumstances that brought you to SYMC, but you are in an excellent place of support for all peoples whose lives have been touched by infidelity.

Weekends here are slow, so I know many others will reply to you this next week. ;-) I wanted you to know that someone was out here reading, even if she (I) has nothing much to add beyond that.

I'll start off with the basics: How long have you been married? Do you have children? Does your W work with or have daily contact with either of her first two affair partners, or this possible third? Because, her R with the third, while not going physical (a PA), there is a chance it could have been and/or still is an emotional affair (EA).

How have you been holding up? Are you getting enough food and rest?

We do not have children and we have only been married for a little over 2 years. My wife does not work with or regularly see any of the 2 men she had affairs with. I have spoken rationally with her about them and one of the men was a friend and the other was someone she was starting a friendship with, but due to a falling out seems to be more of a one night stand. The third man she had been talking to and had made plans to have an affair with, but yes, it does seem that she had become somewhat emotionally involved with.

I have told her flat out that if we are going to make an effort to save our marriage that she is not to have any contact with any of the 3 men whatsoever. I think she understands that, but it does see as though she is a bit hesitant to break off her dealings with the third man she had been talking to.

I am holding up better than I think I should be actually. I am eating and sleeping just fine. The thing that worries me is that I am not as upset about all of this as I feel like I should be. I feel like I should be angry and upset and not even want to look at her. Yet, I am so in love with her and I still feel like things are good with us. We are still carrying on in our daily lives as we had before and sleeping in the same bed and kissing one another good night. But since I knew one of the men she had a PA with, I just keep picturing the affair in my head and that is the only thing really upsetting me.

Thanks for the help and any additional help I may find here. This seems like it will be a great resource for me.

Hello Nick.. Welcome to SYMC!... though the issue that brought you here is a painful one.

You know.. I'm really thinking hard on this one cause it is a difficult situation... For you it may be that you are still processing the information and because of your disposition this is how you deal with it. Some people get angry, some people retreat from that. You both do need to be in counseling.. IC & MC for sure to deal with that.

You know the first thing that popped into my head about your wife is she may not percieve where the boundaries of "talking" are in terms of her marriage to you. And in the crossing that line she goes too far in her feelings. And many people don't understand the differentiation between love and sex.

I'm also going to just throw this out there as a possibility... since you've said she was promiscuous before your marriage and we're talking about affair #3 in 2 yrs.

I'd like you to go to a website called Recovery Nation and read alittle bit there. See if your wife fits any of the description they talk about there.

Let us know what you find and what you think.

Loui

quote:

I'm also going to just throw this out there as a possibility... since you've said she was promiscuous before your marriage and we're talking about affair #3 in 2 yrs.

I'd like you to go to a website called Recovery Nation and read alittle bit there. See if your wife fits any of the description they talk about there.

I am not sure whether she would fall into the category of having a sexual addiction. I am embarrassed to say so, but our love life has always been a bit on the slow side - sex maybe twice a month. It seems like it has always been easy for her to get into a situation that leads to sex in the past, but with us, it has always been a bit awkward. I have always been a little shy and I think to a point, when she actually cares about a person (me in this case), she is a bit shy when it comes to sex. I suppose it is possible that she has a sex addiction. I don't really know though.

I know that she keeps looking for a counselor for us to go to together and on our own, but she is never actually able to make the call. I had an appointment set up, but we decided to cancel the appointment to find a therapist in our insurance network. I feel like I need for us to get in and see someone ASAP and it seems like she just keeps taking her time. Supposedly, she had even started looking for a therapist before we got into this mess, but never set anything up.

I know that she is trying not to talk to the man that she has been communicating with whom she was planning to sleep with, but she keeps slipping up. I want to be able to start to trust her again, but her actions just won't let me. She recognizes that she is hurting me and I do believe that she wants to make the effort to fix our problems, she is just having a lot of trouble getting over that initial hump.

Well Nick..

I tell you what then. If she is not willing to start or take that first step how about you do.

Make the call to a counselor (one that is marriage friendly and understands the dynamics of affairs).. and YOU start the process. How about you call Penny? She does telephone sessions and certainly would fit the bill.. whether its affairs, addictions, whatever.

Give her a call. Her info is here

And maybe you might want to consider getting her ebook as well? Overcoming Infidelity

Loui